The Rest of My Life

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The Rest of My Life; Let the Self-Loathing Commence
Topic Started: Jan 24 2012, 06:44 AM (392 Views)
Al Araam	Jan 24 2012, 06:44 AM Post #1
Demigod of Death & Inactivity Posts: 3,486 Group: Global Mods Member #102 Joined: February 19, 2005	The following is a very` long and rambling account of where my life has lead me. If you don't care to read it, I won't be at all offended. Although the subjects of politics and religion may be touched on, please don't take this as encouragement to post your personal views. Imagine what you'd say if you were apolitical and agnostic, then post those comments. To start things off, I hate the melodramatic bullshit most of these personal threads entail. I apologize, because I'm preparing to frame my life in life-or-death terms that most people will disregard. Here's how it is: I'm a terribly flawed person. As offensive as it is, I don't believe in a higher power of any sort, and I've just come to terms with what exactly that means in the past week or so. For the record, I'm not anti-religious. I believe faith is a wonderful thing. I wish I had it, but that's not who I am. Maybe I'm going to hell, but if not I'm going to be dust in the wind anyways. So we have that covered. I don't intend for this discussion to be about faith. I mean for this discussion to be about life. My childhood was rough. I was yelled at a lot, and when I say that, I mean I learned that eye contact was taken as an assertive action, and people tend not to feel sorry for assertive people. Consequently, I still have a hell of a time looking someone I don't trust quite a lot in the eye. I don't understand why people don't think I'm lying to them. After all, my childhood also taught me that lying is quite often better than telling the truth. If you tell someone that's already mad how you fucked up, it only makes them more likely to verbally abuse you. If you lie to them, and they believe you, then you dodge a bullet for the moment. People who aren't mad already generally take the news of your failures much better. That's not to say I bear no responsibility for where I find myself. I do. My life is mine. I am currently fucking up rather hard. A little history: After high school, I strongly considered joining the Marines. My high school career was unimpressive at best. I'm surprised I was accepted to the exchange program after a mediocre, at best, freshman and sophomore year in high school. Regardless, I was, and that was probably the greatest year of my life to date. I realized that there's a lot more to life than what you can do in school. I loved it. I had a hell of a time learning Turkish, but then again, it's not Spanish/Italian/French/Romanian, so I challenge you to do better. It's tough. You have no background. It's like learning Arabic, except the characters are Latin or modified Latin. This is my problem: I really, really love learning, but I want to learn about things I'm interested in. I know a lot of you have been to college, so I expect some of you know how I feel, and then there's this RP. I'm absolutely fascinated by a lot of things: history, politics, literature. Hell, my roommate is a computer science major and I'm fascinated by most of what he does. Computers are amazing things. The problem is they're rooted in math and I'm absolutely terrible at anything related to math. People say that math is related to logic, but I don't see it. Logic has served me well my entire life, and I can barely do basic math. Logic isn't logic once numbers come into it, as far as I can tell. Then again, I was diagnosed with a learning disability in grade school, but I don't quite understand what's wrong with me. I have an acceptably high IQ, so I feel like the genetic blessings I received were essentially guaranteed to come with their fair share of curses. I can't tell you exactly what is wrong with me, but as far as I'm concerned someone can find something wrong with every individual. I am only human. If you think you're not flawed, then you cannot see yourself for everything you are. Maybe I have more flaws that most, but what am I going to do about it. I am what I am. As for the religious aspects of my post, I've been wandering somewhere between Atheist and Agnostic since I could think for myself. If religion is about faith, and faith is about feeling with all your being that something is true without knowing that it's so, then I suppose I am a religious man. The difference between me and most is that I don't see any higher power watching over us. In a way, it's strangely liberating. We have only ourselves and the invisible forces of cause and effect to blame for anything that happens to anyone. That's not so say I see the world as a less mysterious place. On the contrary, I imagine it would be comforting to feel that one was part of some god's plan. The way I see the world is almost mind-rending. Cause and effect seems neat and tidy: every action has an equal and opposite reaction, right? Except that our actions do not exist in a vacuum. Our actions aren't the sole cause of anything. Our actions are only a part of the cause end of the equation, how large a part, I cannot say. The world around us affects us, and therefore every decision we make, from the day we're born. Don't believe my worldview overly simplistic. If anything, it's the opposite. It would be a relief to know there is an overarching plan for me, and for the rest of humanity and the universe. I see the world as a million million causes interweaving to result in a single effect that lasts only a moment. The next moment, additional threads are added and the pattern changes. I suppose, like any other human being, all I want is the truth. This is my truth. I apologize if it offends. If that's the case, my head is an offensive place. Regardless, that's the background of my life. I'm four years into my college career, and for the vast majority of the time, I feel like I've barely been able to keep my head above water. I suppose the problem is that I feel like I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm the progeny of two professionals. My mom is a doctor, and my dad is a (licensed but non-practicing) lawyer. I've seen where that path leads, and I really don't want anything to do with it. I don't want to be a manager, a banker, an accountant, etc, either. I have no idea what I want, and that's certainly not helping. But then, how does one come to know what they want to do with the rest of their life? It seems like a rather important decision to make without any outside input, but then that's what the majority of individuals do. For the moment, I find myself more and more inclined to enlist in some branch of the US Armed Forces, take my significant signing bonus, as an Eagle Scout with three years of college under my belt, and repay my parents for their significant investment in my education. They don't deserve to pay for my lack of motivation, and self-observation indicates that treading water here indefinitely is not doing good things for my overall mental health. If it improves their lives, then I have done my duty as a son. Otherwise, they can will it back to me when they die. At that point, maybe I'll have some use for it. In short, my problem is this: my worldview indicates that the world is ruled by powers more complex than we can fathom. I have only this stretch of year to live; this life that could end for reasons as inconsequential as where I choose to stand on a bus (indelible personal experience.) Is it worth putting my life on hold for any longer for negligible gain? That's what I feel this is. I may never get a degree, and if I do I likely will never use it. I suppose to simplify things as much as possible: what am I doing here? I salute anyone who took the time to read all the way through my post, and I would be happy to receive your input.



Rhadamanthus	Jan 24 2012, 08:39 AM Post #2
Legitimist Posts: 12,945 Group: Admin Member #19 Joined: January 13, 2004	I read it. I don't have much to say right now - but I just wanted you to know that I read it. Also, I don't think anything you've said is particularly offensive. You don't have to apologize for your views, and in any case, they are not really hostile to anyone, as far as I can tell.



Tristan da Cunha	Jan 24 2012, 10:33 AM Post #3
Science and Industry Posts: 6,792 Group: Veterans Member #86 Joined: November 1, 2004	Barring an early death we will have 50-plus years of living to do ahead of us. When things get heavy I remind myself that my perspective is based on the silly inexperience of a 25 year old. I suppose my faith is that by that time 50 years from now I'll have gained a sort of wisdom, if not magisterial and indulgent, then at least of the devilish sort so that I can look back on my youth with the proper nostalgia and humor. Btw I'm ready to pen my own fever-dream/manifesto sometime in March or April so I do appreciate reading about these topics.



New Harumf	Jan 24 2012, 11:22 AM Post #4
Bloodthirsty Unicorn Posts: 9,638 Group: Forum Mods Member #177 Joined: October 8, 2005	I read your post carefully. I, too, found nothing even remotely offensive, except, perhaps, for your personal self-image - you have worth much higher than becoming cannon fodder for some agressive foreign policy. Aside from that, there is little else I can add at this time (well, math is logic, not calculation - computers have very, very, very litttle to do with calculations. I use inner products in my programming almost every day but I have no idea what they mean mathematically, I just like the outcome). One thing I can say - you write very well. Perhaps cranking out a novel every year or so to make a living might not be a bad career choice!



flumes	Jan 24 2012, 02:48 PM Post #5
CLEVELAND ROCKS! Posts: 2,429 Group: Veterans Member #142 Joined: May 22, 2005	I read it. Nothing offensive. Not many people know what they are going to do in their life, even deep into college. I can't tell you how many older folks I've talked to who did nothing with their majors, but it still all worked out. Even I have doubts that the plan it my head won't come remotely close to the life I actually live, and I truly believe I've studied something I love. That's life for ya.



Catholic Europe	Jan 24 2012, 03:39 PM Post #6
Spammer Posts: 9,612 Group: Members Member #4 Joined: December 24, 2003	flumes Jan 24 2012, 02:48 PM I read it. Nothing offensive. Not many people know what they are going to do in their life, even deep into college. I can't tell you how many older folks I've talked to who did nothing with their majors, but it still all worked out. Even I have doubts that the plan it my head won't come remotely close to the life I actually live, and I truly believe I've studied something I love. That's life for ya. I have done absolutely nothing with my degree. And, even at nearing 25, I still have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life...I don't think I will ever know to be honest with you.



meh	Jan 24 2012, 06:32 PM Post #7
1st Lieutenant Posts: 618 Group: Members Member #695 Joined: August 17, 2011	I can tell you you're not alone. I'm not here to hijack your post, but I can relate. I'm only in my second semester of college, and I'm already worrying about where I'll be in 4 years. I love both of my majors, but I am no genius. My resume is completely bare, I have no real foreign language experience or job experience for that matter. The people who do end up getting jobs within my field are geniuses. It doesn't help that the people are me are extremely successful. My parents keep pushing me to get a minor in Business so I have some practicality after college, but I dislike the subject and have no interest in it what so ever. I refuse to believe that college is just a training for a job in the future. I wish I had answers to give you, but I can only agree with what you have said. Relevant quote: "Is it we that light up the sun, that pour down the rain, and fill the earth with abundance? Whether we sleep or wake, the vast machinery of the universe still goes on."



Abnar	Jan 24 2012, 07:43 PM Post #8
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the lurkiest of them all? Posts: 1,369 Group: Veterans Member #303 Joined: December 4, 2006	I'll add to the chorus of "I'm not offended." This is a very special little corner of the internet, where a whole lot of the population is wise, non-judgemental, and slow to anger. Why do you think I still lurk around here? I know where you're coming from, faith-wise. I was raised Catholic, and about halfway through (Catholic) high school, I realized I didn't agree with a whole lot of what the guys in the fancy robes were saying. Since then I've flirted with deism, agnosticism, and atheism, and never really settled on one. What faith (or lack thereof) I identify with changes pretty much day-to-day.



NRE	Jan 24 2012, 09:02 PM Post #9
Map Tsar and Southern Gentleman Posts: 9,266 Group: Admin Member #120 Joined: April 21, 2005	Read it in its entirety: Not offended. I have to concur that there's not much I could rightly say about much of it at the moment. I can tell you that I'm probably as lost at mathematics in general as you are (I too was diagnosed with a learning disability in Elementary school, something to do with the way I understand numbers) so you're certainly not alone. Beyond that I can't say I've lived long enough or know nearly enough about anything to have any great input to give you.



Hastine	Jan 24 2012, 09:22 PM Post #10
Universi enim hic sumus. Posts: 586 Group: Members Member #438 Joined: May 11, 2008	Your post didn't come even close to a tl;dr level, and I completely emphasize with your plight. I'm in my first of three years of college, and I have yet to find what I want to do. I'm also completely incompetent at math, which leaves opportunities for jobs at a bare minimum. And finally, while I am a Christian, I'm still struggling to figure out my worldview and how I fit into the utter complexity of the cosmos. Basically, you're not at all alone. New Harumf is right; write. You've already been doing it on this forum, so why not bring those sills into the real world? It's only been since last year that I began to appreciate writing as an art form, and not solely as a way to fantasize and role-play nation states. Now, my dream is to become, either on the side or as a full-time career, an author. Whether my skills are up to that challenge, I don't know. But I know that yours are, even if you don't want to follow that particular path. Edited by Hastine, Jan 24 2012, 09:23 PM.



Sedulius	Jan 25 2012, 02:12 AM Post #11
Field Marshal Posts: 4,727 Group: Members Member #427 Joined: March 29, 2008	Al Araam Jan 24 2012, 06:44 AM Spoiler: click to toggle The following is a very` long and rambling account of where my life has lead me. If you don't care to read it, I won't be at all offended. Although the subjects of politics and religion may be touched on, please don't take this as encouragement to post your personal views. Imagine what you'd say if you were apolitical and agnostic, then post those comments. To start things off, I hate the melodramatic bullshit most of these personal threads entail. I apologize, because I'm preparing to frame my life in life-or-death terms that most people will disregard. Here's how it is: I'm a terribly flawed person. As offensive as it is, I don't believe in a higher power of any sort, and I've just come to terms with what exactly that means in the past week or so. For the record, I'm not anti-religious. I believe faith is a wonderful thing. I wish I had it, but that's not who I am. Maybe I'm going to hell, but if not I'm going to be dust in the wind anyways. So we have that covered. I don't intend for this discussion to be about faith. I mean for this discussion to be about life. My childhood was rough. I was yelled at a lot, and when I say that, I mean I learned that eye contact was taken as an assertive action, and people tend not to feel sorry for assertive people. Consequently, I still have a hell of a time looking someone I don't trust quite a lot in the eye. I don't understand why people don't think I'm lying to them. After all, my childhood also taught me that lying is quite often better than telling the truth. If you tell someone that's already mad how you fucked up, it only makes them more likely to verbally abuse you. If you lie to them, and they believe you, then you dodge a bullet for the moment. People who aren't mad already generally take the news of your failures much better. That's not to say I bear no responsibility for where I find myself. I do. My life is mine. I am currently fucking up rather hard. A little history: After high school, I strongly considered joining the Marines. My high school career was unimpressive at best. I'm surprised I was accepted to the exchange program after a mediocre, at best, freshman and sophomore year in high school. Regardless, I was, and that was probably the greatest year of my life to date. I realized that there's a lot more to life than what you can do in school. I loved it. I had a hell of a time learning Turkish, but then again, it's not Spanish/Italian/French/Romanian, so I challenge you to do better. It's tough. You have no background. It's like learning Arabic, except the characters are Latin or modified Latin. This is my problem: I really, really love learning, but I want to learn about things I'm interested in. I know a lot of you have been to college, so I expect some of you know how I feel, and then there's this RP. I'm absolutely fascinated by a lot of things: history, politics, literature. Hell, my roommate is a computer science major and I'm fascinated by most of what he does. Computers are amazing things. The problem is they're rooted in math and I'm absolutely terrible at anything related to math. People say that math is related to logic, but I don't see it. Logic has served me well my entire life, and I can barely do basic math. Logic isn't logic once numbers come into it, as far as I can tell. Then again, I was diagnosed with a learning disability in grade school, but I don't quite understand what's wrong with me. I have an acceptably high IQ, so I feel like the genetic blessings I received were essentially guaranteed to come with their fair share of curses. I can't tell you exactly what is wrong with me, but as far as I'm concerned someone can find something wrong with every individual. I am only human. If you think you're not flawed, then you cannot see yourself for everything you are. Maybe I have more flaws that most, but what am I going to do about it. I am what I am. As for the religious aspects of my post, I've been wandering somewhere between Atheist and Agnostic since I could think for myself. If religion is about faith, and faith is about feeling with all your being that something is true without knowing that it's so, then I suppose I am a religious man. The difference between me and most is that I don't see any higher power watching over us. In a way, it's strangely liberating. We have only ourselves and the invisible forces of cause and effect to blame for anything that happens to anyone. That's not so say I see the world as a less mysterious place. On the contrary, I imagine it would be comforting to feel that one was part of some god's plan. The way I see the world is almost mind-rending. Cause and effect seems neat and tidy: every action has an equal and opposite reaction, right? Except that our actions do not exist in a vacuum. Our actions aren't the sole cause of anything. Our actions are only a part of the cause end of the equation, how large a part, I cannot say. The world around us affects us, and therefore every decision we make, from the day we're born. Don't believe my worldview overly simplistic. If anything, it's the opposite. It would be a relief to know there is an overarching plan for me, and for the rest of humanity and the universe. I see the world as a million million causes interweaving to result in a single effect that lasts only a moment. The next moment, additional threads are added and the pattern changes. I suppose, like any other human being, all I want is the truth. This is my truth. I apologize if it offends. If that's the case, my head is an offensive place. Regardless, that's the background of my life. I'm four years into my college career, and for the vast majority of the time, I feel like I've barely been able to keep my head above water. I suppose the problem is that I feel like I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm the progeny of two professionals. My mom is a doctor, and my dad is a (licensed but non-practicing) lawyer. I've seen where that path leads, and I really don't want anything to do with it. I don't want to be a manager, a banker, an accountant, etc, either. I have no idea what I want, and that's certainly not helping. But then, how does one come to know what they want to do with the rest of their life? It seems like a rather important decision to make without any outside input, but then that's what the majority of individuals do. For the moment, I find myself more and more inclined to enlist in some branch of the US Armed Forces, take my significant signing bonus, as an Eagle Scout with three years of college under my belt, and repay my parents for their significant investment in my education. They don't deserve to pay for my lack of motivation, and self-observation indicates that treading water here indefinitely is not doing good things for my overall mental health. If it improves their lives, then I have done my duty as a son. Otherwise, they can will it back to me when they die. At that point, maybe I'll have some use for it. In short, my problem is this: my worldview indicates that the world is ruled by powers more complex than we can fathom. I have only this stretch of year to live; this life that could end for reasons as inconsequential as where I choose to stand on a bus (indelible personal experience.) Is it worth putting my life on hold for any longer for negligible gain? That's what I feel this is. I may never get a degree, and if I do I likely will never use it. I suppose to simplify things as much as possible: what am I doing here? I salute anyone who took the time to read all the way through my post, and I would be happy to receive your input. I can't sleep, and you look like you're actually looking for answers. So I'll bite. Just keep in mind, unlike you, when I write it does many times seem to offend. I am not one to go with the view of the masses, and I am not one to sugar-coats things. I'm going to answer your post step by step so as to make this thorough. You seem like a very reasonable person, so I think I should give you answers from a reasonable point-of-view. First of all, I don't see how sharing your problems is melodramatic in any way. You have problems, and you trust the community of this forum enough to share them. I find this forum to be a powerful tool for venting and finding good advice. Unless you've committed some sort of heinous crime (which even then might not matter), I think you should always feel free to come to us if you feel a need to talk to someone. Moving right along, you call yourself a terribly flawed person. Why? I ask this question more for you yourself to dwell on rather than to answer. You need to identify all of your flaws and deal with them, but also consider the fact that you probably aren't all that much worse than the rest of us. I have looked at myself as a terribly flawed person in the past, but when I really analyze it, I am not a criminal, I am not some kleptomaniac, I have never murdered, I have never committed adultery, and I have never hurt someone so much as to destroy their life (that was done by their own choices). I may be harsh on myself for my sins, and I even sometimes blame myself for the actions of others, but when I take a step back and logically analyze the entirety of my actions, I have done far more good than bad, and the bad is like child's play compared to what many I know are guilty of. In the end, I can with all certainty find that I really am not that bad. In fact, I'm pretty damn good. You need to do the same logical analysis of your own actions. Purge emotion from this process, or else it won't work. If I had to guess, I'd think your just being too hard on yourself. Your childhood sounds somewhat regular. Almost no one I know has great parents, and while I look at my own as great when I was young, and better than most, they still really managed to screw things up (adultery can do that). But if all you got was yelling, then you had it easy compared to many of us. I'm not saying yelling can't be traumatizing, I'm just saying it's nothing compared to beatings. You lie out of practicality. Most people do. Even I do sometimes, though overwhelmingly I tell the truth to a fault (which makes figuring out if I'm lying almost impossible because I have such a reputation for telling the truth). I lie to avoid unnecessary conflict as you do. If nothing is gained by the truth, if in fact more damage than good is done by telling the truth, then why tell it? Even from a moral perspective, when you tell the truth and it results in damage, you're not being moral, you're just being selfish because you want to keep some squeaky clean image of yourself in your own head. I think here you've revealed a flaw, you lie, but so do we all. Cut down on it. But lie if a situation really does come up where you're just going to do more damage by telling the truth. Conversely, you should tell the truth if a lie would do more damage. I have found more often this is the case. As a rule, if you can't figure the better way, tell the truth. You are more likely to screw things up with lies. Lies, much of the time, are told out of irrational fear of consequences. So here, perhaps we identify another flaw, fear, which again, we all have. And again, cut down it. Living life in fear is no way to live at all. Train yourself to be fearless, but recognize you'll always be afraid of something. The less fear you have, the more freely you can live. Religion. Faith. I'm going to put this one in a spoiler. You may want to read this one last, as I know you said you didn't want to make this thread about faith. Spoiler: click to toggle I am curious as to how you were raised in regards to this. I find this interesting in anyone. There's big problems with the words religion and faith. Atheists don't seem to understand that by calling themselves atheists, they are saying they do not believe in deities. Then they just turn around and put all religion, theist or not, into the same frying pan as they do Christianity. But then, rather than focus on dealing with religion in general, they put almost their whole focus on Christianity, which they are usually uneducated about (almost none of them know what Orthodoxy is), because it is the main religion within nations where atheism has taken major holds. At the same time, I understand why they do what they do, because these Bible "nuts" going around telling everybody they need to "find Jesus" (even to fellow Christians) is just as annoying. These people are just as uneducated about their own religion. When considering where one stands on religion and faith, education is key. Don't listen to the masses. Don't read some article. Research the facts. Then logically think for yourself. Religions can be pretty simple. We have some that are as simple as a philosophy on the way to live life. We have some that are as crazy as involving aliens (though at that point I think it loses its legitimacy as religion and becomes a cult). Religion is too broad a term to be criticized. I hear some people criticize organized religion, but once again, it is still too broad. Usually when they do this, they have the Judeo-Christian-Islamic religions in mind. But still their arguments have flaw. They don't understand that an organized religion exists to keep that religion consistent (look at how ridiculously Christianity changes when outside the Church). They exist to guide the masses of people who have a hard time figuring out or understanding these things themselves. We intelligent are the lucky few that can figure things out for ourselves, thus we have no need of organized religion. But we shouldn't knock it because we don't need it. 80% of the people out there really are not that bright, and do need some sort of guidance. It's the same reason why we have leaders in communities, to guide the community to what is best for it. Am I saying the religion always knows what is best? No. But I am saying they provide a needed force of stability for society. Moving on to faith, it is just a word. I heard many different interpretations. Most people will tell you faith, in most religions, is believing in a higher power and its abilities without knowledge of it. I have heard the opposite, that in religion, faith is the knowledge that your beliefs are the true ones. But to me,when it comes down to it, faith is just another word for trust or confidence. You can have faith in your friends (which is a weakness according to Emperor Palpatine), you can have faith in a deity, you can have faith in your automobile. But when it comes to your friends, you probably have faith in them because you have the knowledge that they have helped you time and again. It can be very foolish to have faith in a stranger. So, I submit to you, Al Araam, that you have no faith because you have never met a higher power. You haven not yet even found evidence of its existence. Perhaps faith really is knowledge in this case. Perhaps not. But I would say you need to really logically analyze this. You do not know what is beyond this Earth, not really. You don't even know what is at its core, or what is going on over in some small town in China, or some neighborhood in Washington, D.C. for that matter. We human beings have a very limited scope of view. You should not take it upon yourself to decide whether or not a god exists, or what higher power if any is running things, even if that higher power is the infinite working of physics, because the simple truth of the matter is you cannot ever truly understand what is running the universe. It is simply beyond our limited minds. I suppose it sounds like I'm telling you to support agnosticism, but not quite. I say you need to research religions, including atheism (because they fall within the definition of religion whether they like it or not), all religions, and see what strikes a cord with you. But don't just go for the first one that strikes your fancy. Look into it as much as you can (with the exception of truly minor ones or truly cultish ones, because you do need exclusion criteria unless you really intend to read into the thousands you can find). You may find more than one you like, more than one you find yourself agreeing with. If you truly like none, then go with none. Create your philosophy to live by. But don't go along with something just because it is a trend in society, just because you feel pressure from others. I am a nondenominational Christian with strongly Eastern Orthodox beliefs. I do not join the Church because I don't need it (they themselves say that they are not the only path to Heaven, that salvation can be found outside of their church). I might live a cleaner life if I did join (which is the another reason why organized religion can be a good thing), but I do disagree with some things (in particular their decision in the 7th Ecumenical Council to ban sculpture of Christ, saints, and the like, which was only put in under great political pressure from iconoclasts. Bastard iconoclasts. We could have had 1400 more years of beautiful Greek sculptures if it weren't for them. Yeah, I'm an art lover. Of course, they did end the violence with a practical enough compromise. I just think it should have nothing to do with Church law. It should have been an Imperial decision.). But, as you might already be able to tell, I came to their way of thinking because I researched them. That said, I was initially Protestant Christian since I was raised that way. However, I only stayed a Christian after many lapses of faith, each time having faith restored only because of evidence of God's existence. I believe because of knowledge, not because of "faith". I know God exists. Most Christians "know" God exists because the Bible tells them He exists and they are raised to think that way. But that is not knowledge, that is "faith". When I say I know, it is because of evidence I have seen with my own eyes that makes His existence undeniable. If I did not have this evidence, I really would have become an atheist only a few years ago. I myself have since struggled with the matter of faith until recently, thinking my own faith was weak since I only worship because I have the knowledge of His existence. But, recently, I realized my faith was stronger than ever, because of what I believed God would do for me in given situations, that I fully believed that He would protect me from harm and ensure my path to success, as well as ensuring the destiny I am intended for will be completed (and take note that I do not everyone has some ultimate destiny in life, only a few. Most of life really is free will.). I just know, for some reason. I just know. (Maybe faith really is knowledge? I still haven't quite figured that one out.) At that, some of you may think I'm crazy. Well, to that, I say, if you had the same experiences I had, then you would either think the same or get yourself mentally evaluated. And unfortunately, I really don't have the luxury of just chalking this up to insanity. My life is fast improving, most things are going as I have forseen, and I do more good for society than I do harm. I may seem crazy, but there's a bit too much evidence to the contrary for me to think so. Sorry for focusing so long on religion, but it is a complex subject. I may have said too much. You'll have to tell me. On the the next issue, the issue of uncertainty for the future... Al Araam, you are feeling exactly the same as I am, as Aelius is, as some of my friends are, as many college students out there are. You've realized the job market out there is tough, you're uncertain what you really want to do for the rest of your life (because really, most of it sounds pretty crappy), and you're uncertain what exactly you can do when you graduate. You even sound to me as if you're contemplating dropping out all together. The first thing I must say is, don't drop out. Absolutely do not. You've come to far. Get your degree and be done with it. You can start higher with a degree than without one, just not much higher. But somewhat higher is better than nothing at all. I would say the best thing you could do after graduating is to continue your education. Either go for a master's degree or go for something that can guarantee you a good high paying job (my friend is possibly going for a respiratory therapy program, which takes barely any qualification to get into (like you need Gen Ed courses, Anatomy, and MAYBE Physics I), takes two years to complete, cost $5400 altogether, and the starting salary is usually over $40,000, and you can get into near or over $60,000 quickly enough). But of course, continuing education could be a problem money wise, which is why many people consider the military. And you know what, I won't discourage you from going into the military if that is what you want to do. You get a lot of money for a single guy, and afterwards you get all that money for education. Damn good deal if you ask me. If you do go that route, try to get into OCS (Officer Candidate School), because the pay is way higher and the job experience way better both for you and on a resume, and limit yourself to a four year contract. Get out as soon as you can. Don't get married. Don't get stuck in the military. Save your money, and continue your education afterwards. Another thing I must ask is, are you good with languages? You mentioned Turkish, and if you are good at learning languages, as I am, these can be an invaluable resource for whatever field you may pursue. I enjoy learning them, and if you do too, you should play to that strength. As to what you want to for the rest of your life, you really do have to decide that for yourself. But I will tell you right now, I really don't think most people decide. This society is a rat race for survival and advancement. People do what it takes to survive and advance, and they will take the best jobs they can get to do that. It's a not a matter of what they want to do. It's a matter of what is necessary. Most people, I think, lead a life they did not choose. They were forced into it by their own rational thinking. If you want to truly have a good life, ask yourself, what is your dream? Go for that dream, make everything an end to fulfill it, and perhaps you will find happiness. I think the sooner the dream is fulfilled, the better. For me, I just want a wife who I can love fully and fully loves me back that I can raise children with, for whom I can ensure the best chance at a happy life. Moving to Ireland is a dream for me as well, but it is more motivated by the fact that I can get free education and healthcare for my children if they are born there, whereas I more or less have to become relatively wealthy to ensure that for them here in the US. Happiness, for me, is in having a loving family and ensuring they are cared for. But that entails a whole hell of a lot. For the most part, I don't care what I do for the rest of my life if I have them, though. But, I do know, deep down inside of me, there is a dark ambition, hungering for power, longing to go ever upwards. It is this that is my greatest fear, and it is this that makes me realize that despite my happiness, I would never be fully satisfied with just the family. I will, perhaps, in the future, have to fight this. But I am unsure that I will actually have a choice in the matter. One final thing. This is more important than anything else I have said. I don't care if you disregard everything else. Listen to this. You must evaluate yourself. You must identify your flaws. You must deal with them. You must attempt to eradicate them. Realize that you will never reach perfection, but you must always strive for perfection. There is no excuse to not attempt to always improve yourself. You should not accept that this is just how you are. People change if they make themselves change. And even if you don't find yourself changing, don't give up. Always strive to improve yourself. Always continue to make yourself a better person. Never give up.



Al Araam	Jan 25 2012, 06:58 AM Post #12
Demigod of Death & Inactivity Posts: 3,486 Group: Global Mods Member #102 Joined: February 19, 2005	Thanks everyone. I'll respond in greater depth later. At the very least, it's nice to know that I can fall back on some Hemingway-esque lifestyle. That's not to say that I'll be writing literature that will stand the test of time. I just mean that I tend to use the English language relatively well under the influence of large amounts of alcohol.



Rhadamanthus	Jan 25 2012, 08:04 AM Post #13
Legitimist Posts: 12,945 Group: Admin Member #19 Joined: January 13, 2004	Al Araam Jan 25 2012, 06:58 AM That's not to say that I'll be writing literature that will stand the test of time. shrugs If you have some free time and nothing else to do, why not?



Al Araam	Jan 25 2012, 08:17 AM Post #14
Demigod of Death & Inactivity Posts: 3,486 Group: Global Mods Member #102 Joined: February 19, 2005	I'm not really intimidated by the idea of writing hundreds of pages. I'm just not excited about the idea of filling hundreds of pages with nothing of substance. I'd be happy to write something if I knew what I wanted to write about. Guess I'll continue sifting through the various ideas that pop into my head and hope I find something I like. I don't know how else to go about it, unfortunately.



New Harumf	Jan 25 2012, 10:22 AM Post #15
Bloodthirsty Unicorn Posts: 9,638 Group: Forum Mods Member #177 Joined: October 8, 2005	Al Araam Jan 25 2012, 08:17 AM I'm not really intimidated by the idea of writing hundreds of pages. I'm just not excited about the idea of filling hundreds of pages with nothing of substance. I'd be happy to write something if I knew what I wanted to write about. Guess I'll continue sifting through the various ideas that pop into my head and hope I find something I like. I don't know how else to go about it, unfortunately. I have several friends making a living writing - one writes non-fiction (Look up M. Johyn Fayhee on Amazon, kinda journalism, but not) and one writes fiction (look up Laura Caldwell on Amazon, she has created a character, and writes books around her, kinda like Alex Cross). None of this is great literature (whatever that is) but it makes money, they enjoy writing it, and people enjoy reading it - do you need a better reason to write? Finally, I agree with most above - do not quit on your education just yet - a good Liberal Arts degree is worth way more than you can imagine (contrary to popular belief) and will serve you in mysterious ways down the road; trust me.



Catholic Europe	Jan 25 2012, 12:30 PM Post #16
Spammer Posts: 9,612 Group: Members Member #4 Joined: December 24, 2003	New Harumf Jan 25 2012, 10:22 AM Al Araam Jan 25 2012, 08:17 AM I'm not really intimidated by the idea of writing hundreds of pages. I'm just not excited about the idea of filling hundreds of pages with nothing of substance. I'd be happy to write something if I knew what I wanted to write about. Guess I'll continue sifting through the various ideas that pop into my head and hope I find something I like. I don't know how else to go about it, unfortunately. I have several friends making a living writing - one writes non-fiction (Look up M. Johyn Fayhee on Amazon, kinda journalism, but not) and one writes fiction (look up Laura Caldwell on Amazon, she has created a character, and writes books around her, kinda like Alex Cross). None of this is great literature (whatever that is) but it makes money, they enjoy writing it, and people enjoy reading it - do you need a better reason to write? Finally, I agree with most above - do not quit on your education just yet - a good Liberal Arts degree is worth way more than you can imagine (contrary to popular belief) and will serve you in mysterious ways down the road; trust me. I want to write a book but I don't know how....any websites that give tips etc, that you know of?



New Harumf	Jan 25 2012, 03:38 PM Post #17
Bloodthirsty Unicorn Posts: 9,638 Group: Forum Mods Member #177 Joined: October 8, 2005	Catholic Europe Jan 25 2012, 12:30 PM New Harumf Jan 25 2012, 10:22 AM Al Araam Jan 25 2012, 08:17 AM I'm not really intimidated by the idea of writing hundreds of pages. I'm just not excited about the idea of filling hundreds of pages with nothing of substance. I'd be happy to write something if I knew what I wanted to write about. Guess I'll continue sifting through the various ideas that pop into my head and hope I find something I like. I don't know how else to go about it, unfortunately. I have several friends making a living writing - one writes non-fiction (Look up M. Johyn Fayhee on Amazon, kinda journalism, but not) and one writes fiction (look up Laura Caldwell on Amazon, she has created a character, and writes books around her, kinda like Alex Cross). None of this is great literature (whatever that is) but it makes money, they enjoy writing it, and people enjoy reading it - do you need a better reason to write? Finally, I agree with most above - do not quit on your education just yet - a good Liberal Arts degree is worth way more than you can imagine (contrary to popular belief) and will serve you in mysterious ways down the road; trust me. I want to write a book but I don't know how....any websites that give tips etc, that you know of? I could point you to a few, but my suggestion is - just start writing. If you get stuck, start a different scene. Put up postit notes of minor characters and plots so you don't loose track.



Catholic Europe	Jan 25 2012, 05:32 PM Post #18
Spammer Posts: 9,612 Group: Members Member #4 Joined: December 24, 2003	New Harumf Jan 25 2012, 03:38 PM Catholic Europe Jan 25 2012, 12:30 PM New Harumf Jan 25 2012, 10:22 AM Al Araam Jan 25 2012, 08:17 AM I'm not really intimidated by the idea of writing hundreds of pages. I'm just not excited about the idea of filling hundreds of pages with nothing of substance. I'd be happy to write something if I knew what I wanted to write about. Guess I'll continue sifting through the various ideas that pop into my head and hope I find something I like. I don't know how else to go about it, unfortunately. I have several friends making a living writing - one writes non-fiction (Look up M. Johyn Fayhee on Amazon, kinda journalism, but not) and one writes fiction (look up Laura Caldwell on Amazon, she has created a character, and writes books around her, kinda like Alex Cross). None of this is great literature (whatever that is) but it makes money, they enjoy writing it, and people enjoy reading it - do you need a better reason to write? Finally, I agree with most above - do not quit on your education just yet - a good Liberal Arts degree is worth way more than you can imagine (contrary to popular belief) and will serve you in mysterious ways down the road; trust me. I want to write a book but I don't know how....any websites that give tips etc, that you know of? I could point you to a few, but my suggestion is - just start writing. If you get stuck, start a different scene. Put up postit notes of minor characters and plots so you don't loose track. I tried to start and wrote about 200 words. I got bored however. I'm not the type of person who could write all different chapters. I start the beginning and work my way to the end. And it's the beginning I find difficult. I'm quite linear like that.



Rhadamanthus	Jan 25 2012, 05:48 PM Post #19
Legitimist Posts: 12,945 Group: Admin Member #19 Joined: January 13, 2004	Al Araam Jan 25 2012, 08:17 AM I'm not really intimidated by the idea of writing hundreds of pages. I'm just not excited about the idea of filling hundreds of pages with nothing of substance. I'd be happy to write something if I knew what I wanted to write about. Guess I'll continue sifting through the various ideas that pop into my head and hope I find something I like. I don't know how else to go about it, unfortunately. Write down anything and everything that comes to mind and let the literary critics decide what it means! :evil:



Rhadamanthus	Jan 25 2012, 05:50 PM Post #20
Legitimist Posts: 12,945 Group: Admin Member #19 Joined: January 13, 2004	New Harumf Jan 25 2012, 10:22 AM Al Araam Jan 25 2012, 08:17 AM I'm not really intimidated by the idea of writing hundreds of pages. I'm just not excited about the idea of filling hundreds of pages with nothing of substance. I'd be happy to write something if I knew what I wanted to write about. Guess I'll continue sifting through the various ideas that pop into my head and hope I find something I like. I don't know how else to go about it, unfortunately. I have several friends making a living writing - one writes non-fiction (Look up M. Johyn Fayhee on Amazon, kinda journalism, but not) and one writes fiction (look up Laura Caldwell on Amazon, she has created a character, and writes books around her, kinda like Alex Cross). None of this is great literature (whatever that is) but it makes money, they enjoy writing it, and people enjoy reading it - do you need a better reason to write? Finally, I agree with most above - do not quit on your education just yet - a good Liberal Arts degree is worth way more than you can imagine (contrary to popular belief) and will serve you in mysterious ways down the road; trust me. Harumf: How long did it take your friends to get to the point where they could make money off of their writing? Does it make them enough off of which to live, or does it supplement another job?



New Harumf	Jan 25 2012, 06:14 PM Post #21
Bloodthirsty Unicorn Posts: 9,638 Group: Forum Mods Member #177 Joined: October 8, 2005	Rhadamanthus Jan 25 2012, 05:50 PM New Harumf Jan 25 2012, 10:22 AM Al Araam Jan 25 2012, 08:17 AM I'm not really intimidated by the idea of writing hundreds of pages. I'm just not excited about the idea of filling hundreds of pages with nothing of substance. I'd be happy to write something if I knew what I wanted to write about. Guess I'll continue sifting through the various ideas that pop into my head and hope I find something I like. I don't know how else to go about it, unfortunately. I have several friends making a living writing - one writes non-fiction (Look up M. Johyn Fayhee on Amazon, kinda journalism, but not) and one writes fiction (look up Laura Caldwell on Amazon, she has created a character, and writes books around her, kinda like Alex Cross). None of this is great literature (whatever that is) but it makes money, they enjoy writing it, and people enjoy reading it - do you need a better reason to write? Finally, I agree with most above - do not quit on your education just yet - a good Liberal Arts degree is worth way more than you can imagine (contrary to popular belief) and will serve you in mysterious ways down the road; trust me. Harumf: How long did it take your friends to get to the point where they could make money off of their writing? Does it make them enough off of which to live, or does it supplement another job? Fayhee has been making a living off of writing since we were college roommates in 1976-78. Laura is a lawyer, but now makes all of her money off of her writing, for, like, the last 10 years. She is in her early 40's.



Rhadamanthus	Jan 25 2012, 09:22 PM Post #22
Legitimist Posts: 12,945 Group: Admin Member #19 Joined: January 13, 2004	Cool! That is pretty awesome.



Hastine	Jan 27 2012, 01:00 AM Post #23
Universi enim hic sumus. Posts: 586 Group: Members Member #438 Joined: May 11, 2008	AA, I suggest getting "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Creative Writing". I'm halfway through it and it's provided for me -- and will no doubt for you -- a plethora of good tips and inspiration.



Al Araam	Jan 27 2012, 04:19 AM Post #24
Demigod of Death & Inactivity Posts: 3,486 Group: Global Mods Member #102 Joined: February 19, 2005	Thank, everyone. As with everyone even considering writing something for the consumption of others, I'd rather write something worth reading, but the last several works of fiction I've read attest to the fact that you don't have to have either characters that are going to be talked about for decades to come or the ability to write much better than the average literate individual to have a book published. I might have to give it a shot. Even if it takes me five years to write something, it's better than what I'll probably be doing for the next five years anyway. If one can sell the run-of-the-mill crap they sell as fantasy nowadays, I'm sure I can come up with something that hasn't been done a hundred times already. The trick with my writing will be not to make it so heavy-handed or depressing that nobody will read it. I'll have to work on that. Edited by Al Araam, Jan 27 2012, 04:20 AM.


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