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Debate Speeches
Topic Started: Nov 22 2009, 04:56 PM (1,112 Views)
Telosan
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The Foremost Intellectual Badass
Here's the rough draft of my thesis paper. Can anyone offer any suggestions to improve it?

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Al Araam
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Demigod of Death & Inactivity

Where do you draw these "conditions" from? If they're someone else's ideas, you should cite them. If they're your own, you should provide more justification.
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New Harumf
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Bloodthirsty Unicorn
Technical - never start a sentence with a connective - and, or, however, but, etc.

Develop your opening paragraph more to reveal your thesis, then start the second paragraph with the definition of terrorism. That should not be in your thesis paragraph.

Everything that is written as fact must be sourced. Any opinions should be supported by sources.

Get yourself out of your conclusion. Do not include the phrase "I have laid out" or anything referring to you. You are not an expert, ergo, your opinion does not count.


Just a few things spotted from a quick look.
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Telosan
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The Foremost Intellectual Badass
The first paragraph ended after the third line originally, but I needed to close up a few spaces to fit it on two pages.

I'll edit it eventually and post the revised version.
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Aelius
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Norman Warlord
What you should do:

Offer a rebuttal to your opponent's argument. As that rebuttal, throw him into a creek. :P
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Quaon
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A Prince Amoung Men-Shoot First and Ask Questions Later
Okay, to begin:

The Revolution wasn't about democracy; the ideal that the founders looked to was the Roman Republic. They despised the Athenian system.

Don't capitalize "insurgency".

Cite.

All three words of "New York City" are capitalized, always.

Just for the record, not being allowed to use "but" at the beginning of a sentence isn't actually a real rule of English (granted, most rules of English are arbitrary and aren't really rules, more the invention of grammaticians trying to emulate Romance languages; nonetheless, the but thing isn't even that).
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New Harumf
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Bloodthirsty Unicorn
Quaon
May 2 2010, 09:40 PM
Okay, to begin:

The Revolution wasn't about democracy; the ideal that the founders looked to was the Roman Republic. They despised the Athenian system.

Don't capitalize "insurgency".

Cite.

All three words of "New York City" are capitalized, always.

Just for the record, not being allowed to use "but" at the beginning of a sentence isn't actually a real rule of English (granted, most rules of English are arbitrary and aren't really rules, more the invention of grammaticians trying to emulate Romance languages; nonetheless, the but thing isn't even that).
Use it in my class - massive fail.
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Quaon
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A Prince Amoung Men-Shoot First and Ask Questions Later
Quote:
 
Use it in my class - massive fail.
Which still does not make it a rule of English. In fact, "but" at the beginning of a sentence can sometimes be aesthetically superior to its alternative.
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Tristan da Cunha
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Science and Industry
I gotta be with Harumf on this one. Those entire passages in which "but" are used at the beginning of sentences are generally unaesthetic, and the but-at-the-beginning-of-a-sentence is applied as a sort of duct tape holding together an unsubtle argument. The best way to go about it is to reform the passage as a whole to make it more intuitive.
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Rhadamanthus
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Legitimist

But for the fact that inversion can produce a dramatic beauty, I would have agreed as well.
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New Harumf
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Bloodthirsty Unicorn
Rhadamanthus
May 3 2010, 07:29 PM
But for the fact that inversion can produce a dramatic beauty, I would have agreed as well.
You are not using "but" as a connective to a statement or idea out of your sentence; you are using it as an inversion and connecting to the main clause of the sentence. Also, you must admit that uninverting the sentence, "I would have agreed as well, but for the fact that inversion can produce a dramatic beauty." does not sound as good, and that, "I would have agreed as well, except (or but, or though, or however) inversion can produce dramatic beauty." is more compact, concise, and a better use of the language as a whole.

I teach the MLA style, not creative writing, there are other classes for that. My class is for the best practices of RHETORIC. Write my way, or the highway!

Again, massive fail.
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Rhadamanthus
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Legitimist

New Harumf
May 4 2010, 08:04 AM
Again, massive fail.
Can I get points for trying? :love:
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New Harumf
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Bloodthirsty Unicorn
Rhadamanthus
May 4 2010, 10:28 AM
New Harumf
May 4 2010, 08:04 AM
Again, massive fail.
Can I get points for trying? :love:
Well, the truth is, since it is a speech, no one will know what his punctuation is!!! :lol:
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Telosan
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The Foremost Intellectual Badass
Interesting little debate here.

The thesis paper is due Thursday. I made the changes you've suggested. Any other last minute thoughts?
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Rhadamanthus
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Legitimist

New Harumf
May 4 2010, 10:38 AM
Rhadamanthus
May 4 2010, 10:28 AM
New Harumf
May 4 2010, 08:04 AM
Again, massive fail.
Can I get points for trying? :love:
Well, the truth is, since it is a speech, no one will know what his punctuation is!!! :lol:
Yes indeed :lol:
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Quaon
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A Prince Amoung Men-Shoot First and Ask Questions Later
Not to kick a dead horse, but I liked to cite a quote from Mark Twain, from the essay, "Whenever I am About to Publish a Book" from the "Who is Mark Twain?" collection:
Quote:
 
...I seem to be intimating that he is not a part of the public, but a class by himself. But that is not my idea.
Edited by Quaon, Jun 6 2010, 12:12 PM.
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Telosan
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The Foremost Intellectual Badass
Thanks for bringing this back up Q, I forgot to tell everyone what the grade was. I got a 96 because my thesis only came out to two or three pages instead of the required six plus works cited page. Normally, that'd've been a 20 point reduction, but I was awarded 16 total bonus points on several other categories.

My friend also thinks that I'm the only one in our school who could pick this topic and successfully convince him and our classmates that the Sons of Liberty were terrorists.
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Deleted User
Deleted User

New Harumf
May 4 2010, 08:04 AM
Rhadamanthus
May 3 2010, 07:29 PM
But for the fact that inversion can produce a dramatic beauty, I would have agreed as well.
You are not using "but" as a connective to a statement or idea out of your sentence; you are using it as an inversion and connecting to the main clause of the sentence. Also, you must admit that uninverting the sentence, "I would have agreed as well, but for the fact that inversion can produce a dramatic beauty." does not sound as good, and that, "I would have agreed as well, except (or but, or though, or however) inversion can produce dramatic beauty." is more compact, concise, and a better use of the language as a whole.

I teach the MLA style, not creative writing, there are other classes for that. My class is for the best practices of RHETORIC. Write my way, or the highway!

Again, massive fail.
I want to take this class.
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Quaon
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A Prince Amoung Men-Shoot First and Ask Questions Later
Quote:
 
Thanks for bringing this back up Q, I forgot to tell everyone what the grade was. I got a 96 because my thesis only came out to two or three pages instead of the required six plus works cited page. Normally, that'd've been a 20 point reduction, but I was awarded 16 total bonus points on several other categories.
Way to kick ass, Telo.

Also, one thing about the earlier discussion about the word "retarded". While I'm not going to claim it's a good thing, essentially every noun that means "a stupid person" in English comes from a word invented in the late 19th-early 20th centuries to describe developmentally disabled people. "Moron" and "idiot" both used to be medical terms; they have become integrated into English common parlance. They aren't even slang, they are standard English. The word "retarded" is simply going through a natural metamorphosis - it will eventually cease to have a medical meaning (in fact, medically, the word "retardation" is no longer used) and simply be a synonym for idiot. I am not saying that that is, in of itself, a good thing, but acting like "retarded" is equivalent to the n-word is pretty moronic.
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Rhadamanthus
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Legitimist

Quaon
Jun 6 2010, 02:06 PM
Quote:
 
Thanks for bringing this back up Q, I forgot to tell everyone what the grade was. I got a 96 because my thesis only came out to two or three pages instead of the required six plus works cited page. Normally, that'd've been a 20 point reduction, but I was awarded 16 total bonus points on several other categories.
Way to kick ass, Telo.

Also, one thing about the earlier discussion about the word "retarded". While I'm not going to claim it's a good thing, essentially every noun that means "a stupid person" in English comes from a word invented in the late 19th-early 20th centuries to describe developmentally disabled people. "Moron" and "idiot" both used to be medical terms; they have become integrated into English common parlance. They aren't even slang, they are standard English. The word "retarded" is simply going through a natural metamorphosis - it will eventually cease to have a medical meaning (in fact, medically, the word "retardation" is no longer used) and simply be a synonym for idiot. I am not saying that that is, in of itself, a good thing, but acting like "retarded" is equivalent to the n-word is pretty moronic.
True. Its annoying though because as terms for mental disabilities become standard English words, the medical profession might end up continually phasing out those words and creating new ones. Its so unstable...
Edited by Rhadamanthus, Jun 6 2010, 03:19 PM.
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Tristan da Cunha
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Science and Industry
The more syllables there are the less offensive it is. When presenting an unpleasant truth to a sensitive audience, maximize syllables.
Edited by Tristan da Cunha, Jun 6 2010, 04:10 PM.
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Hastine
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Universi enim hic sumus.
 *  *  *  *  *  *
Tristan da Cunha
Jun 6 2010, 03:58 PM
The more syllables there are the less offensive it is. When presenting an unpleasant truth to a sensitive audience, maximize syllables.
So fucking true. Sigg'd. :lol:
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New Harumf
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Bloodthirsty Unicorn
Atticus
Jun 6 2010, 01:55 PM
New Harumf
May 4 2010, 08:04 AM
Rhadamanthus
May 3 2010, 07:29 PM
But for the fact that inversion can produce a dramatic beauty, I would have agreed as well.
You are not using "but" as a connective to a statement or idea out of your sentence; you are using it as an inversion and connecting to the main clause of the sentence. Also, you must admit that uninverting the sentence, "I would have agreed as well, but for the fact that inversion can produce a dramatic beauty." does not sound as good, and that, "I would have agreed as well, except (or but, or though, or however) inversion can produce dramatic beauty." is more compact, concise, and a better use of the language as a whole.

I teach the MLA style, not creative writing, there are other classes for that. My class is for the best practices of RHETORIC. Write my way, or the highway!

Again, massive fail.
I want to take this class.
You'd have to come to Michigan!
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