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Pulled an all nighter.
Topic Started: Aug 30 2009, 05:05 AM (1,558 Views)
Telosan
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The Foremost Intellectual Badass
Yeah, so, I can't sleep. I always seem to do this. When I have something I have to do on a certain day, like school, I won't wake up unless someone gets me up. When I have absolutely nothing to do, I'll wake up really freaking early. Now that the summer is here, I have nothing to do, nothing to do, nothing to do, nothing to do. So... I can't sleep.

I haven't slept in 4 days. My 8 year old cousin is staying over for a week. I'm in charge of taking care of her. She's like me, in almost every way. Everyone I've talked to, family or not, says she's like a smaller, female version of me. I hope they're wrong, because after spending this past day hanging out with her for 14 hours straight (she woke up at 5:30 this morning. Actually, yesterday morning, seeing as it's already 1:30.), I feel like I just survived having my skull pecked by a thousand angry chickens on steroids, crack, and every energy drink known to man, and possibly 3 known to monkeys. If I was ever like this when I was 8; dear god, I need to apologize to everyone I know. Then thank them for not killing me.

Ah, so anyway I haven't slept in 4 days, for some reason I can't fathom. Problem is, there's nothing for me to do. The Xbox is boring after a while and there's only so much to do on the computer. So mostly I just think. Stare at the wall and think. I have this problem every so often, but it always happens at the end of the school year, every year. It's really a depressing time. I sit and think about everything. What I did this past year, what I didn't do, what I should've done, what I could've done, what I wanted to do.

Another year... I let another year go by. Another year that I did nothing. I just existed, one day at a time. I talked to almost no one, again, like I always do. I don't know why I do that. I should talk to more people. I always criticize society, but who am I to say such things? I'm not part of society. I have no authority to say such things, but I do. Maybe I'm just bitter, but at what?

I'm useless. I really am. I do nothing. I go to school, come home, sit on the computer until bed, and repeat. In the summer, this happens. I think. I regret. I always say my strength lies in intellect, not athletics and whatever else there is, but really that's just a hollow shell. I always think I'm smarter than those around me, but how can I know? Whenever I do talk to people, like at CTY, I realize how far behind I am. I'm nothing in comparison.

"But I needn't dwell on the past! There's always tomorrow!" That's what you'll tell me. That's what everyone always tells me. Fuck "tomorrow". "Tomorrow" is just another "today" and "yesterday" that hasn't happened yet. What's different about "tomorrow" besides the fact that we're one day closer to death? One day farther from birth? Is this another of those half full, half empty things?

"How do you know tomorrow will be like yesterday or today, Telo? It doesn't have to be, it all depends on what you do!" That's what you'll say next. 'Tis always what comes next. How do I know? Because I won't do anything to change it. I know I won't. I'll tell myself I will, I plan what I'll do, but it never happens. And it doesn't all depend on what I do. Contrary to popular belief, every day is not a new day. Yesterday still affects it. There's no clean slate. Your past actions have doomed your future. If I were to go around and say hi to people, be friendly, and just chat, people would think I'm crazy. Maybe I already am. Most of them already think that anyway.

"You need to stop thinking like this, Telo."

That'll be the resigned sigh you say at the end of the conversation, when you've given up. It always comes next and last.

I need to stop thinking. I'm driving myself crazy. I was already crazy to start with. I talk to myself inside my head because no one else is going to listen. That's the definition right? Of mentally insane? I have actually gotten pissed at myself during a few of my self-conversations. Scary right? Actually, I'm pissed at myself at the end of most of my self-conversations now. I can't stand to even talk to myself.

I need to fix things. I need to fix things. How do I fix things? How do I fix things?

I don't even know what to fix. How can I fix it if I don't know what it is? Where's the misspelled word? The loose wire? The wrong line of code?

Do I want to fix it? Can't I be happy if everyone left me alone? If I left myself alone?

I don't know anything anymore. I'm not tired, but I need to sleep. I can't sleep. I need to sleep. I can't sleep. 4 days so far. I've spent 4 nights in a row talking to myself and I don't want to listen anymore.

I'm not sure why I'm typing this all here. I've said it all before; to friends, to family. No one listens. I've said it to myself. I'm tired of hearing myself say the same thing. My thoughts are barely coherent when I say them, but only make sense when I'm talking to myself.

I still can't sleep. I figured writing it would help. I've nothing else to do. It's now 2:15 or so. I still can't sleep, so I'll just have to think some more. What else can I do?
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Have you ever heard of NyQuil?
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Sedulius
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Telo, next time something like this happens, pray for peace of mind and body. Calm yourself. Think about what is right. Think about good things. Lay in bed and try to sleep. Force yourself to. If you absolutely cannot sleep, watch some good TV for a while, maybe drink a little, and then go to sleep.

I described what I had to do last night.

I was hit very hard by a realization that I am completely unwilling to talk about with anyone save the person it involves. Don't worry. It's nothing truly serious or life threatening. But it was something that hit me hard, down to my very core. And usually when that sort of thing happens, I give into the darkness. I give into my anger and hatred and become a cold and bitter individual. But not this time.

This time I resisted with all my strength. This time I ensured that I will do right, and only right. My oath to do so stands stronger than ever due to my loss.

Telo, keep yourself at peace. Endure this time with patience, and it will go by in the blink of an eye, though it may not seem that way at times, and you will be better for it.
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Sedulius
Jun 29 2010, 11:04 AM
Telo, next time something like this happens, pray for peace of mind and body. Calm yourself. Think about what is right. Think about good things. Lay in bed and try to sleep. Force yourself to. If you absolutely cannot sleep, watch some good TV for a while, maybe drink a little, and then go to sleep.

I described what I had to do last night.

I was hit very hard by a realization that I am completely unwilling to talk about with anyone save the person it involves. Don't worry. It's nothing truly serious or life threatening. But it was something that hit me hard, down to my very core. And usually when that sort of thing happens, I give into the darkness. I give into my anger and hatred and become a cold and bitter individual. But not this time.

This time I resisted with all my strength. This time I ensured that I will do right, and only right. My oath to do so stands stronger than ever due to my loss.

Telo, keep yourself at peace. Endure this time with patience, and it will go by in the blink of an eye, though it may not seem that way at times, and you will be better for it.
My advice was much better :P
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Nag Ehgoeg
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The Devil's Advocate

Telo, you've described my life perfectly. Kudos.

You know what? "There's always tomorrow!" is a great cop out. Ever wonder why people say that to you? It's because they have nothing else to say. It's because every human being on the face of the Earth feels the same way you do my friend. Some people are too brain dead to acknowledge it. Some people throw themselves to the bottom of a bottle to forget it. Some people become obsessed with some trivial thing or another to take their mind of it. Some people see it as a failing and turn to god or the barrel of a gun.

When people say "you need to stop thinking like this" what they mean is "you expressing how I feel every day of my life makes me depressed and I'm doing my best not to think about it".

Seriously. What is there to accomplish?

Every human accomplishment is trivial. We are a brief flicker of light on a mote of dust in the vast emptiness of eternity.

Nihilism takes this fundamental truth and glorifies self pity into an obsession. But ultimately, the nihilist is as fixated on the trivial as the career woman or the family man.

What would you like to accomplish? What would take your mind off the way you feel?

Maybe you should get off the internet and learn a foreign language. Or an instrument. Write a book. Write articles for your local paper. Read New Scientist or the Financial Times and catch up to those CTY kids in intelligence.

You sound simply unhappy because you're not popular. Well my friend, that's what going away to college is for: it's not a "clean slate" but it's clean enough. Already at college? Move away when you graduate and smile at the people in your work place.

Don't know what you should change in your life? I think you do. You talk to yourself. You get annoyed when talking to yourself. Change the thing that annoys you.

Now, undoubtedly the people focused on their pet obsessions will tell you I'm wrong and will encourage you to change and be like them. Ultimately, that's what I'm telling you too. Change. Pick an obsession and focus on it. But you are not odd, strange, weak, insane or what-have-you for feeling the way you do. You are not alone. If you were, then we wouldn't have teen guidance councillors, self help books or Baz Luhrmann.



****

[Edit]

But yeah, NyQuil.
Edited by Nag Ehgoeg, Jun 29 2010, 12:56 PM.
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Rhadamanthus
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Nag Ehgoeg
Jun 29 2010, 12:54 PM
You know what? "There's always tomorrow!" is a great cop out. Ever wonder why people say that to you? It's because they have nothing else to say. It's because every human being on the face of the Earth feels the same way you do my friend. Some people are too brain dead to acknowledge it. Some people throw themselves to the bottom of a bottle to forget it. Some people become obsessed with some trivial thing or another to take their mind of it. Some people see it as a failing and turn to god or the barrel of a gun.
"There's always tomorrow" may be a cop-out in some circumstances but the rest of your post explains why it is actually legitimate, good, practical advice. Because you can change, you can move, you can do something new, i.e., all the things in the rest of your post.

So I'd say the take away from Nag's post is that, there is always tomorrow. Telo, you are not doomed by the past.

Unless Pythia has said otherwise. In such case, you are doomed.
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Nag Ehgoeg
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The Devil's Advocate

A great battle will be won and a mighty empire will fall.

But trust me, about the NyQuil.
Edited by Nag Ehgoeg, Jun 29 2010, 01:12 PM.
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Menhad
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My advice Telo is to see if your parents will send you on one of these. Although I will admit they are expensive, and the time to try and get a scholarship has passed. And they also are too touchy-feely for me (Its like a hippie boot camp in my opinion), but you will feel proud of your accomplishments.
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New Harumf
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Bloodthirsty Unicorn
Nag: Great video!

Telo - how in the name of all that is holy can you feel the way you do when you not even 18 yet? Stop it, or I will kick your ass - I know you are in NJ, and can find you.

As for there always being a tomorrow - big whoop. Tomorrow will be the same as today UNLESS YOU CHANGE IT. Change it NOW.

Build something. I don't care if you need to fetch some wood and a hammer, don't be useless. Build a chair. Build a raft. Build a birdhouse. Build a garden. Build a friendship. Build a closer relationship with your parents; brother; sister; God.

Never mope and feel sorry for yourself - it it is raining outside, go gaze at the sky. If it is a clear day, scan the ground for mushrooms. READ A BOOK. Read an encyclopedia. Spend the entire day at the library looking through artbooks. Go to a museum - by yourself, and study something. Anything, while you are there.

Make a rocket, and really fly it!

Please.
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Nag Ehgoeg
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The Devil's Advocate

New Harumf
Jun 29 2010, 03:01 PM
Make a rocket, and really fly it!
Or, sit in a cardboard box and pretend to fly it!

...

What?

What?

So you're honestly telling me you've never done that? :dry:
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Toussaint
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Nag Ehgoeg
Jun 29 2010, 12:54 PM
Maybe you should get off the internet and learn a foreign language.
Or learn a foreign language using the internet as a tool.

It's an awesome hobby. ^^
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Nag Ehgoeg
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I'm actually resuming my study of Latin. Mostly because I needed something to do offline, but all my materials have come from online.

Mostly because I've just acquired a Vulgate and have a pressing desire to read the bible in yet another language.
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Telosan
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The Foremost Intellectual Badass
NyQuil sucks. I'm apparently immune to all drugs that cause drowsiness (to the dismay of my parents when they couldn't sedate their hyperactive 7 year old) or intended to induce sleep. Anesthesia is the only thing that has managed to put me out thus far, and several doctors have commented on how long it takes for the anesthesia to take effect in comparison to everyone else.

Quote:
 
Telo, keep yourself at peace. Endure this time with patience, and it will go by in the blink of an eye, though it may not seem that way at times, and you will be better for it.
I don't want to endure with patience. I've been patient for years. I know it will go by in a blink of an eye; the past 4 years have done that, though at times it seemed the opposite. Looking forward, I have so little time. So very, very little time. I don't want the time to just pass by. I need to take initiative. I don't know what's holding me back. I freeze or shy away at the last second so many times.

Quote:
 
You sound simply unhappy because you're not popular. Well my friend, that's what going away to college is for: it's not a "clean slate" but it's clean enough. Already at college? Move away when you graduate and smile at the people in your work place.
I don't want to be popular. I'd say that I don't give a fuck about high school social statuses and such, but I can't say that. In truth, it infuriates me, but I don't want to be a part of it.

Languages! Learning languages are fun, but I need the resources. Those resources cost money, though, and that's all that prevents me from pursuing such things. Regardless, I'm doing my best with Italian in school, learning Sicilian from my grandpa, grabbing bits of Venetian from translators and dictionaries, and a few words here and there of Japanese from multiple sources. Unfortunately, none of those will let me be fluent, both in reading/writing and speaking/hearing.

But that's part of my problem. Though I don't want to be a part of the high school social bullshit, I do want a social life. I want to be able to walk into a classroom and see someone I enjoy seeing. I want to be able to talk to someone that I can talk to outside school as well. There are 2 people at school I talk to, but never outside school. My social skills are on a fourth grade level. I'm serious. That's the last time I had a friend I could talk to.

I left my elementary school and went to a Catholic school for 5th grade. No big deal, except I wasn't able to force my way in to those well established friend circles. They were together since Pre-K, I just showed up in 5th grade. Fortunately, that didn't last long. The Catholic school shut down after 6th grade and I went back to public school... right after moving to a new town. My middle school went from 6th to 8th grade, but I arrived at the beginning of 7th. The two years of middle school were the worst of my life. Terrible. I was the target. Everyone's target, it seemed. And an easy one at that. I had no friends or contacts at the middle school and the social interactive experience of a 4th grader. Then by the end of 8th grade, I decided I didn't care. I honestly just stopped caring what anyone thought. When high school started, I was in a larger group of people, so I hoped to find intelligent life that differed from the small sample of the population that was my middle school. Unfortunately, I discovered they were all similarly annoying and stupid, and gave up again by Christmas. Actually, I gave up on my birthday, the 22nd, when I came to school to find a *wonderful* birthday present. 'Cause ripping the door off my locker, taking everything in the locker, photocopying every personal writing with the library copier and distributing all of it throughout the entire school is just the best present I ever had. So I gave up. I stopped caring. I ignored everyone that had ridiculed me. Everyone that never said anything to me was allowed a chance, but they continually proved to be no better.

So that's where I was at the beginning of this past school year. I did nothing. I existed, day after day. The only thing that interrupted the monotony was the occasional fight, not necessarily with fists. There was the one time in February that I saw two people arguing, the larger so obviously insulting and pushing around the smaller, who just as obviously was not enjoying it and was in a similar disposition as I. I intervened and that kid and I beat the shit out of each other. My thanks? The kid I helped out was pissed at me and joined the ranks of those I had just saved him from. He used my unpopularity to boost his own and get on everyone's good side. I mean, really? Really?

I so don't care anymore. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. These past 6 years since 4th grade have gone so quickly. I find that I care just as much now as I did when it all started and as it happened. I don't want a social life, I just want someone to call a friend.

There's only two years of high school left. After that, college will be just as long as high school. Then I will have lost. I will have lost the game. I'll be kicked out into the actual world, with no contacts. I'll have no friend to talk to years and years later about all the fun we had. Even if I do get a friend, what fun is there for me to talk about? I can't even just promise to go all out and talk to people and make a friend next year. I've said that time and time and time and time again. It never happens.

It just never happens.

I need to sleep. I think way to much. But sleep won't even help me. That's just the pause button, because my thoughts will just pick right up from the last line that ran through my head. I need to stop torturing myself and do something, but I've said that for years.
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Tristan da Cunha
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Dark thoughts Telo and your school sounds like it really sucks. But you are 16, you have your entire life in front of you. Contrary to your belief, the past will weigh on you only as much as you let it. Therefore let it have the weight of a desert mirage.

Can you ask the 2 people you talk to at school to hang out with you after school? Ask them to go watch a movie with you. Coordinate a get-together. Do something kinetic, like play golf. Are they into D&D? Surely you can find some commonality to bond over.

Can you join all the extracurricular clubs in your school and make friends there? You mentioned earlier that if you just started talking to people out of the blue, they'll think you're weird since you've never been a talker in your life before. But it does not matter what they think. Other people's opinions are irrelevant. The universe begins with you, and you need not justify yourself to the universe. Introduce the new, crazy, talkative, discursive Telosan to the world and if they don't like it then they can fuck off but those who stay to listen will be the ones worth keeping. Don't get discouraged if you've talked to 100 new people and you still don't "click" with anyone; in this world a person will be lucky to find even 1 true and genuine friend after talking to 1,000 people, but sooner or later you will find people you can truly open up to and who will stand by you and make your journey in this life easier.

You describe yourself as being at the bottom of the "social ladder." Therefore there is nothing to lose, and everything to gain, if you just start extroverting like some madman. The advantage of being on the bottom of the social ladder is that you can't fall any lower, and you can only go higher.

You say your classmates are "all similarly annoying and stupid"...have you actually talked to every last one of them? Have you talked to the people in the other grades? Start talking to the most popular jock in school. Ask him what he did last weekend and see how the conversation goes from there.

Also don't view yourself as this frigid, self-superior intellectual. What is wrong with athletics? Why can't you try to be an ubermensch who is good at everything, both intellectual and physical?

Train all summer, and join the cross country team come fall. Cross country is the ideal sport for the athletically untalented; all you need to do is run; easy, right? Exercise will improve your sleep, improve your mental state, and participating in the organized sport will give you yet another opportunity to meet people and socialize. Seriously, join cross country next year. Don't plead laziness or inaction, just go for it. Start running tomorrow morning so that when school starts up again you'll be in a competitive shape for the Junior Varsity team. In terms of curing your sleep problems exercising in your cross country team is better than Nyquill and better than anesthesia.

For some people HS is better, socially, than college. For the rest of the people college is better than high school. Rarely, almost never, are there people who are social misfits in both HS and college. You are just 16 years old, and you haven't even experienced college yet. It's therefore foolhardy to completely write off college. Most definitely don't view college as another 4-year social death sentence. There is none, zero, zilch realistic basis for that notion. Always keep an open mind.

In any case we are all your pals here on old NSWR so feel free to sound off whenever you like and keep us updated on your relentless trajectory of success for the rest of your life.
Edited by Tristan da Cunha, Jun 29 2010, 11:02 PM.
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Quaon
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A Prince Amoung Men-Shoot First and Ask Questions Later
What TC says is wise.
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Toussaint
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Telosan
Jun 29 2010, 07:59 PM
Languages! Learning languages are fun, but I need the resources. Those resources cost money, though, and that's all that prevents me from pursuing such things. Regardless, I'm doing my best with Italian in school, learning Sicilian from my grandpa, grabbing bits of Venetian from translators and dictionaries, and a few words here and there of Japanese from multiple sources. Unfortunately, none of those will let me be fluent, both in reading/writing and speaking/hearing.
A $20.00 Teach Yourself book with audio will get you to an upper-intermediate level. The Pimsleur Language program is an all audio program that will get your speaking and comprehension abilities up to basic fluency if you go through all 90-100 lessons. ((Yes, this is costly. Though, I totally don't recomment (( ;) )) you torrent it.))

Also, this forum here:

http://how-to-learn-any-language.com/forum/default.asp

is full of very wise people who have mastered a multitude of techniques to learn languages. With Italian, there are enough materials out there to get you pretty far. Fuck classes. Teaching yourself is the way to go.
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Toussaint
Jun 29 2010, 11:20 PM
Telosan
Jun 29 2010, 07:59 PM
Languages! Learning languages are fun, but I need the resources. Those resources cost money, though, and that's all that prevents me from pursuing such things. Regardless, I'm doing my best with Italian in school, learning Sicilian from my grandpa, grabbing bits of Venetian from translators and dictionaries, and a few words here and there of Japanese from multiple sources. Unfortunately, none of those will let me be fluent, both in reading/writing and speaking/hearing.
A $20.00 Teach Yourself book with audio will get you to an upper-intermediate level. The Pimsleur Language program is an all audio program that will get your speaking and comprehension abilities up to basic fluency if you go through all 90-100 lessons. ((Yes, this is costly. Though, I totally don't recomment (( ;) )) you torrent it.))

Also, this forum here:

http://how-to-learn-any-language.com/forum/default.asp

is full of very wise people who have mastered a multitude of techniques to learn languages. With Italian, there are enough materials out there to get you pretty far. Fuck classes. Teaching yourself is the way to go.
Disclaimer: I will not post prohibited materials in the future and will abide by the Terms of Use.
Edited by Rhadamanthus, Jun 30 2010, 07:39 AM.
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Hastine
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Universi enim hic sumus.
 *  *  *  *  *  *
Quote:
 
Start talking to the most popular jock in school. Ask him what he did last weekend and see how the conversation goes from there.


Considering that the people at his school ripped his fucking locker door off its hinges and photocopied his personal writings for everyone to see, I doubt that this is a wise idea, TC. Everything else you said though, is excellent advice.

I don't want to pity you Telo, since pity is a confidence-shattering way of acting towards someone in need, but I definately feel for you man, since I was in a somewhat similar situation. I had problems with making friends again when I had a mental breakdown almost four years ago when I was 16, although the problem stemmed from the end of middle school itself thanks to puberty. I thought that I was an unapproachable, ugly loser who was being punished by God for not being cool enough. I slowly realised that this was bullshit and that I was in fact God himself.

But to be serious, what I did to get started again, was that I got talking with people who seemed genuinely friendly and likeable and were all-around decent people, and I was right. I still can't stand some "popular" people (although many would probably say I'm "popular"...), and I'd hardly blame you if you never do either. Many of them are full of shit and always will be. But finding a nice one is a great asset, as it will lead to you being accepted, or at least tolerated, by the cool crowd. I realize that there are many asshats at your school, but remember that alot of these people may have laughed or ignored your suffering because they were afraid of helping you out or because they wanted to keep their reputation due to peer pressure, and not because they genuinely loathed you. Selfish, yes, but not pure evil. Deep down, many of the people at your school, both popular, unpopular and in the middle, are probably decent at least, and nice and friendly at best.

Also, try and find people that bring you out of your shell. I'm quiet too, but when I'm with talkative people I become just as talkative, if not more. :lol: This probably isn't the same case for you, but it'll still help. Ask these talkative people questions (though not constantly); it allows them to do alot of the talking for you and they'll appreciate that you're interested in their daily life. Plus, it allows you to brush up on your "social skills" (I fucking hate that word) without embarassing yourself fully. That can come later, and will be greatly lessened by simply being a good listener and observing others in conversation and lifestyle.
Edited by Hastine, Jun 30 2010, 12:46 AM.
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Tristan da Cunha
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Hesperia
Jun 30 2010, 12:40 AM
Quote:
 
Start talking to the most popular jock in school. Ask him what he did last weekend and see how the conversation goes from there.


Considering that the people at his school ripped his fucking locker door off its hinges and photocopied his personal writings for everyone to see, I doubt that this is a wise idea, TC.
Just throwing it out there in case "the most popular jock in school" was not part of the gang who ripped out his locker. The biggest jock might even turn out to have a heart of gold. Or not. As with anything the final call will be made depending on the situation on the ground :)
Edited by Tristan da Cunha, Jun 30 2010, 01:02 AM.
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Menhad
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One of the best social skills to have is to know how to make people laugh (But not at you, with you).
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Rhadamanthus
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Tristan da Cunha
Jun 30 2010, 12:56 AM
Hesperia
Jun 30 2010, 12:40 AM
Quote:
 
Start talking to the most popular jock in school. Ask him what he did last weekend and see how the conversation goes from there.


Considering that the people at his school ripped his fucking locker door off its hinges and photocopied his personal writings for everyone to see, I doubt that this is a wise idea, TC.
Just throwing it out there in case "the most popular jock in school" was not part of the gang who ripped out his locker. The biggest jock might even turn out to have a heart of gold. Or not. As with anything the final call will be made depending on the situation on the ground :)
Yeah, there were lots of cool jocks at my school. But Telo's school doesn't sound like my school. Noone went around ripping off locker doors in my school. But when I went to school I was kind of shy and socially somewhat awkward but after a year or two, I got a bit better and found that most people were pretty nice and friendly. I actually miss high school.

I guesss my problem is that I can't tell if its just Telo's perspective or if his school really is that different. In any case, Telo could always just look for someone who looks vulnerable and build his social status by going after that person... Or maybe not. I don't want to encourage that dynamic.
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New Harumf
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Bloodthirsty Unicorn
Telo, about friends. Those people that seem to have a lot of friends have, actually, a lot of aquantances. I am 59 years old. I have two close friends. One, I live with as a partner, the other I met when I was a senior in High School, and he was a freshman. I have a "circle" of aquantances, that maybe numbers 8 or 10 that I met at various stages of my life, but none of them would lay down their lives for me, and visa versa. I have a brother, who will be the person with which I will have the longest relationship with in my life, and we are friends.

You are still forming your brain, at 16 - you are still not clicking on all cylinders, but will be soon. You will meet people with whom you will become friendly, and if you are lucky, you will meet a few that will become close friends. I can honestly tell you when you get to college it will be much easier to avoid the asshats, and much easier to get to know people who think like you and who will appreciate you for who you are.

When I was in High School (many years ago) I knew I was gay, but could not tell any one. I was different than everyone, and there was absolutely no one like me in my high school. I compensated by becoming an asshat, and hanging with asshats. That made high school the worst four years of my life, because I hated myself. I contemplated suicide, but, thankfully, was too much of a coward. Thyen I got to college and a whole world of things opened up - people I met started being concerned about ME - what I knew, what I thought, not with who I hung with. I started associating with people that I found interesting, instead of worrying what others would think about me hanging with these wierdos. This was all possible because I was now at a university where no one really knew anyone. My first year, I joined a fraternity so I would "fit in". My second year I quit the fraternity and told them to go to hell because I realized how "exclusive" they tried to be, and I couldn't do that any more.

Being "popular" is for insecure people, as I was in high school. Fuck it. Get good grades, associate with people who appreciate you, and fuck off to the rest. The locker deal was wrong - criminal in fact - an act of bullying. I am shocked your school administration did nothing about that, but I shouldn't be, considering teachers are even impressed by the "popular" students. You'll be happy to know that when I get that type of "popular" kid in my class, I treat him like trash, and when I get the geeks and nerds and quiet ones, I try to draw them out and get them involved, and if I ever see one of those idiots in the back row of the class (the "popular" kids always sit in the back row of the class) roll their eyes after one of my "unpopular" students make a comment, I am all over them like white on rice. I will not put up with it, because everyone's opinion in my class counts.

Don't get down. Things will improve, even if you do nothing to try to improve them. That is just the nature of life. Get confidence, and, as I said before, build things! It really does help the spirit to create.
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Menhad
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ET2(IDW)
The Eldest had spoken!
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Al Araam
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Demigod of Death & Inactivity

I know the feeling, Telo. Sometimes I feel like I "lost the game" a long time ago, but I know that given enough time I will find someone who understands me and who I genuinely have a desire to spend time with. Until then, I'm just focusing on continuing to breathe and put one foot in front of the other while I'm at school. I feel like everybody has to experience the feeling that their getting nowhere in life at least once. Maybe getting it out of the way while you're at school so that you can be on to bigger and better things when you're done is truly the way to go. Keep working on finding two or three people you actually want to be around. That's all you really need. As Harumf said, most of the rest are really acquaintances. They're nice to have, but you can take them or leave them without any real change in your quality of life.
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Deleted User
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New Harumf
Jun 30 2010, 08:57 AM
Telo, about friends. Those people that seem to have a lot of friends have, actually, a lot of aquantances. I am 59 years old. I have two close friends. One, I live with as a partner, the other I met when I was a senior in High School, and he was a freshman. I have a "circle" of aquantances, that maybe numbers 8 or 10 that I met at various stages of my life, but none of them would lay down their lives for me, and visa versa. I have a brother, who will be the person with which I will have the longest relationship with in my life, and we are friends.

You are still forming your brain, at 16 - you are still not clicking on all cylinders, but will be soon. You will meet people with whom you will become friendly, and if you are lucky, you will meet a few that will become close friends. I can honestly tell you when you get to college it will be much easier to avoid the asshats, and much easier to get to know people who think like you and who will appreciate you for who you are.

When I was in High School (many years ago) I knew I was gay, but could not tell any one. I was different than everyone, and there was absolutely no one like me in my high school. I compensated by becoming an asshat, and hanging with asshats. That made high school the worst four years of my life, because I hated myself. I contemplated suicide, but, thankfully, was too much of a coward. Thyen I got to college and a whole world of things opened up - people I met started being concerned about ME - what I knew, what I thought, not with who I hung with. I started associating with people that I found interesting, instead of worrying what others would think about me hanging with these wierdos. This was all possible because I was now at a university where no one really knew anyone. My first year, I joined a fraternity so I would "fit in". My second year I quit the fraternity and told them to go to hell because I realized how "exclusive" they tried to be, and I couldn't do that any more.

Being "popular" is for insecure people, as I was in high school. Fuck it. Get good grades, associate with people who appreciate you, and fuck off to the rest. The locker deal was wrong - criminal in fact - an act of bullying. I am shocked your school administration did nothing about that, but I shouldn't be, considering teachers are even impressed by the "popular" students. You'll be happy to know that when I get that type of "popular" kid in my class, I treat him like trash, and when I get the geeks and nerds and quiet ones, I try to draw them out and get them involved, and if I ever see one of those idiots in the back row of the class (the "popular" kids always sit in the back row of the class) roll their eyes after one of my "unpopular" students make a comment, I am all over them like white on rice. I will not put up with it, because everyone's opinion in my class counts.

Don't get down. Things will improve, even if you do nothing to try to improve them. That is just the nature of life. Get confidence, and, as I said before, build things! It really does help the spirit to create.
NH, this forum would fall to pieces without you and your advice. I wouldn't be surprised if it is the primary reason why people stay active.
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