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Some Of My *cough* Poems; Please tell me what you think of them.
Topic Started: May 25 2005, 01:37 PM (141 Views)
Lain-Chan
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.::[[Molkoid]]::.
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Ok, basically, I made this topic because I'm a pretty bad poem writer, so I would appreciate it if everyone could read my poems and tell me what i need to improve on. Here is the first one:

Blood red tears soak my pillow
I am drowning in my sorrow
No one can help me now
I may as well just drown
The things that reminded me
To keep living happily
Have disappeared without a trace
Never to return again.

I have no voice
I have no power
I have stopped living
Like an unwatered flower
The people around me
Fill my life with pain
They have hurt me time and time again.
I stopped believing
The day my life went into a coma
Unlike most sad stories
There is no knight-in-shining-armour.

My sadness is almost enough to kill me
But I have to finish the job.
I fall to the floor
I’ve tried it once more.
But then I wake up
And it was all just a dream with one bad flaw.

I wrote that one because i just had a fight with my mum. :sweatdrop:
This next one is dedicated to my friend Kim (yes, I changed it, kind of personal), who has been there for me a lot, but sometimes has her own problems. She is always there when I am sad, but sometimes I can't comfort her enough. This one is pretty bad, but it has a lot of meaning:

There is no light
No shining hope
Glistening on my tear-drenched coat.
I look up
Towards the sky
But I can see nothing through my sore, red eyes.
I cannot breathe
Not anymore
My tears have washed away
Onto the shore.

The wish I made
Was for you to be happy
I didn’t know how sad this could make me.
You didn’t have courage
You didn’t have faith.
Now I’m losing my trust in fate.

You worked so hard
Just to live your life.
Now you’re shining
In a negative light.
Please, Kimmy, get better
Otherwise my life will shatter.

Ok, go ahead, be honest
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bleu blizzard
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[Een en Alleen]
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I like the first one a lot
the second one have some nice parts
nice work
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Lain-Chan
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Ok, thanks. Well I think I might keep working on the second one, thanks for being honest ^^
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Tva
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Shadow of a Dream.
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Hummm intresting, I like them in a way.... bit sad and down but then given the ones I've done somewhere on here (dreams and darkness I think =P forget my own head next...... ) it's just basicly, something I can relate to.

The content is good, its maybe the way its deliverd that makes it feal sort of michanical. ^^;;;
If it was me I'd just not try and put it in a traditinal poem form, but thats just me =P Good work ^__^
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Lain-Chan
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Well thanks! ^^...Thanks for being honest...I did ask for it. Well, like I said, those are the first two proper poems that I've ever written, so yeah, I'll keep working, thanks everyone for the comments, I really appreciate them.

Edit: Ok, this is one of my new...kind of c**p poems, it's called hidden :sweatdrop:

Hidden

There’s no way to describe
How I feel inside
Only one person knows
And she dares to show
What makes her cry

I wish I was strong
Like my friend who’s suffering has gone on for so long
But I hide in my shell
Of pretend happiness
Wishing one day someone would help
They say I’m faking, they should look at themselves

It seems to me
That all I’ll know
Is sadness, depression and emptiness
I’ll mess up my life
I’ll leave my home
Disgrace my family and be all alone

In this world of cruelty, shallow judgment and racism
I will always know how it feels
For my entire life to be one big lie mechanism
My life is slipping out of my hands
As quickly as a slippery eel
I hope one day
Someone might care enough
To glance my way
And smile.

Um...*cough* So I kind of did that in about 5 seconds....um...please feedback, although I already know that's it's pretty much terrible XD
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