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| Some Of My *cough* Poems; Please tell me what you think of them. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 25 2005, 01:37 PM (141 Views) | |
| Lain-Chan | May 25 2005, 01:37 PM Post #1 |
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.::[[Molkoid]]::.
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Ok, basically, I made this topic because I'm a pretty bad poem writer, so I would appreciate it if everyone could read my poems and tell me what i need to improve on. Here is the first one: Blood red tears soak my pillow I am drowning in my sorrow No one can help me now I may as well just drown The things that reminded me To keep living happily Have disappeared without a trace Never to return again. I have no voice I have no power I have stopped living Like an unwatered flower The people around me Fill my life with pain They have hurt me time and time again. I stopped believing The day my life went into a coma Unlike most sad stories There is no knight-in-shining-armour. My sadness is almost enough to kill me But I have to finish the job. I fall to the floor I’ve tried it once more. But then I wake up And it was all just a dream with one bad flaw. I wrote that one because i just had a fight with my mum. This next one is dedicated to my friend Kim (yes, I changed it, kind of personal), who has been there for me a lot, but sometimes has her own problems. She is always there when I am sad, but sometimes I can't comfort her enough. This one is pretty bad, but it has a lot of meaning: There is no light No shining hope Glistening on my tear-drenched coat. I look up Towards the sky But I can see nothing through my sore, red eyes. I cannot breathe Not anymore My tears have washed away Onto the shore. The wish I made Was for you to be happy I didn’t know how sad this could make me. You didn’t have courage You didn’t have faith. Now I’m losing my trust in fate. You worked so hard Just to live your life. Now you’re shining In a negative light. Please, Kimmy, get better Otherwise my life will shatter. Ok, go ahead, be honest |
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| bleu blizzard | Jun 12 2005, 11:32 AM Post #2 |
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[Een en Alleen]
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I like the first one a lot the second one have some nice parts nice work |
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| Lain-Chan | Jun 12 2005, 11:38 AM Post #3 |
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.::[[Molkoid]]::.
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Ok, thanks. Well I think I might keep working on the second one, thanks for being honest ^^ |
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| Tva | Jun 12 2005, 10:03 PM Post #4 |
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Shadow of a Dream.
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Hummm intresting, I like them in a way.... bit sad and down but then given the ones I've done somewhere on here (dreams and darkness I think =P forget my own head next...... ) it's just basicly, something I can relate to. The content is good, its maybe the way its deliverd that makes it feal sort of michanical. ^^;;; If it was me I'd just not try and put it in a traditinal poem form, but thats just me =P Good work ^__^ |
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| Lain-Chan | Jun 20 2005, 06:54 AM Post #5 |
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.::[[Molkoid]]::.
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Well thanks! ^^...Thanks for being honest...I did ask for it. Well, like I said, those are the first two proper poems that I've ever written, so yeah, I'll keep working, thanks everyone for the comments, I really appreciate them. Edit: Ok, this is one of my new...kind of c**p poems, it's called hidden Hidden There’s no way to describe How I feel inside Only one person knows And she dares to show What makes her cry I wish I was strong Like my friend who’s suffering has gone on for so long But I hide in my shell Of pretend happiness Wishing one day someone would help They say I’m faking, they should look at themselves It seems to me That all I’ll know Is sadness, depression and emptiness I’ll mess up my life I’ll leave my home Disgrace my family and be all alone In this world of cruelty, shallow judgment and racism I will always know how it feels For my entire life to be one big lie mechanism My life is slipping out of my hands As quickly as a slippery eel I hope one day Someone might care enough To glance my way And smile. Um...*cough* So I kind of did that in about 5 seconds....um...please feedback, although I already know that's it's pretty much terrible XD |
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2:39 PM Jul 11