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| Ramza Stromblade; Wolfkin Gaiden | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 6 2009, 01:33 PM (96 Views) | |
| Rowul Stromblade | Aug 6 2009, 01:33 PM Post #1 |
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Name: Ramza Stromblade Nationality: Shienar Hair color: Black Eye Color: Yellow Height: 6'1 Weight: 200 Age: 27 Path Followed: Gaiden,,,Wolfkin Appearance: Ramza is almost always wearing his plate. His plate is laquored black, His ax is Black with silvery runes. Personality: Ramza Has a strong sense of honor and has nothing but distain for the southern kingdoms, and will vocalize it when he is given a chance, Ramza sees THE GAME as nothing but a southern ideal that proves men's incompatance and stupidity, Ramza has yet to decide hwo to address Aes Sedia for doing such, but as a border man he will follow them and help them to destoy any dark spawn Talents Major: Wolfkin, Ax Mastery (Must be learned, the ax being Ramza’s primary weapon) Medium: no idea atm Minor: no clue as of now Strengths: Has an extreme grasp on tactics, Ability to SEE in the dark, Improved Hearing, Improved scent Flaws: Unable to deal with people as well as he can deal with wolves; Unable to deal with younglings, and recruits, due to his strict spartan nature; Blunt and honest about what he feels and how he fells it, even to aes sadie; Uneducated, can barely read and write History: Ramza grew up in Shienar, in the kings own castle, to most this would have been a boring time seeing as how the blight was on the move and all one did was study tactics, But to ramza it felt as if he were in heaven. From an early age he would sit in a corner during lessons on tactics of every time and would cradle his wooden sword and listen in rapture, The king was his uncle, not in the sense of blood but in the sense that Ramza stayed in his sight and brought joy to the king by being a child and doing childish things. Once ramza captured several frogs and had sstrings attachted to them and called them his army, the king laughed for days at that. One day he asked a question that changed his view this was at the age of 14, "Why do you wear that braided peice of leather on your head uncle?" King "This symbolizes the pledge to destroy the blight in the name of Malkier]." Ramza "But uncle The Seven Towers have been broken for so long is that not a lost cause, you send people out there to destroy Trollock camps but really what is the importance of that piece of land." The king looked out his window in the recieving room, "Our ancestors were too late to save our sister nation, the Lances were late all we were able to do was cover the retreat of the civilians, A few of thier Horseman companies made it to the point where we could reach them," my uncles eyes misted over and he seemed to be reliving a moment of great pain and agony, "The Standard still flew on top of the Towers, men were still shouting for the Golden Crane, they forced thier way forward only to see the towers on Fire, and saw them topple, to this day i feel shame and sadness that we were not able to help save malkier. Please leave me for a bit i need to think for a time" Ramza left the room with his head spinning, his father, older brothers, and the man he called Uncle were men of Honor, If they were shamed by such things then he should help them redeem themselves somehow. Ramza's early teen years were filled with journeying to find the Malkeiri (sp?) Men that were left alive and questioning them on the flight and other such things. His Eldest brother Rakma followed him out of a sense of duty and because ramza was the baby, and it would have killed his mother, Having his fathers blessing to search was an increadible boon, but also was some what of a hardship for Ramza should have been learning war studies and read and writing and arthimatic. Ramza was full of questions that had no answers, his brother was full of home sickness and ramza could see that being away form home for 7 years was taking a toll on his brother, the south was not a place that ramza liked either, but he had to deal with it when he was searching for the last one the Crowned Prince of Malkier, the mans name was lan, but when he found out where he could be found ramza stuttered and gripped his brothers arm tight. "One last trip Rakie one last trip" Rakmar sighed but smiled at the fear he was seeing in his younger brother at the thought of having to meet warders "We should go home first and see mother and see how she is doing then we can make one last trip" Ramza smiled at the thought of seeing his mother and nodded, "Only if you promise to come back with me, thats the only way i will leave." Rakmar smiled and tossled Ramza's hair, then said, "This will be my last trip away from teh blight i have seen the southerners and find that i can't stand them just as much as you, yes one last trip, we should even visit the Amyrlin, she saw you when you were but a babe in swadling clothes, plus we can send greeting from shienar, though you will need to be on your best behavior, and will have to dress to impress her." Ramza smiled "Deal" When Ramza and Rakmars got home it was his only a month till his 18th birthday and he came home to ill news, his father Deathor meet them both at the gate, "You mother has been welcomed to the final embrace not 3 months gone, Both of you are forbbiden to leave while I live, it broke her heart that her baby was so far away. You have not been training or reading have you ramza?" Ramza had tears flowing from his face, "No sir, i have not been training to read, write or fight, though i have been working my body to keep healthy sir." Deathor shook his head, "That will change you must catch up, it is good that you have kept healthy, go now, i have much to speak with Drakmar with" As ramza was walking away he heard a cry of pain and looked back to see that his father was holding up his eldest brother an dwas speaking quietly to him. Ramza Vowed to not fail again, that he would make his father proud no matter what it would take. Ramza studied everyday with an ax master, everyday after turning the age of 18 Ramza was up 3 hours before sunrise until 10 bells. Ramza was addicted it seemed to practice and never felt good enough, always striving to be better, always striving to keep his Vow, and to be worthy of his uncles praise and his wisdom. Till the day he he heard howls, never before hearing a wolf he was kind of scared and yet he knew that it was going to be fine the wolf had just lost his....that wasn't right he shouldn't know what was going on in a wolfs mind. Ramza tried to hide the fact that he could hear the wolves. Ramza kept practicing his ax skill and did so unitl the day he was allowed to go on a raid to malkier, he had just turned 26.... The wolves could hear where he was going and decided to follow him, Ramza lost his mind during a the raid when he was near the broken tower. The reason that Ramza lost his mind had nothing to do with the loss of his father, or his 3 brothers; it had nothing to do with watching them dragged off still kicking and screaming as the trollocks pulled them deeper into the horde.... No the reason that Ramza lost his mind was the smell, and the new clarity he saw. The smell alone should drive men insane and men should smell those beasts for miles, he never realized just how bad they really smelled until he was inches from some of them fighting for his life..... That’s when the howls came, the howls of wolves came from every direction, and even from Ramza himself. A image appeared in his head, A slivery light reflected a scarred wolf, (Silver Scar) We come young one, we come to help you fight the Never born and twisted ones Another image appeared in his head of a black wolf pup scrambling from under a pile of bodies, and from a still twitching Eyeless. (Night of Black Death) I would come no matter if others refused if only to kill the never born More images flowed through his head. A blue butterfly on a red flower (Pretty Sight), a noble elk that learned to not fear a grey wolf with a black hind leg (Strange Friends), A sea of green grass moving in the wind (Green Wave), a grasshopper jumping around while trying to flee (Jumps Good)..More were coming but all he was able to do was glimpse names ,Wild Fire, Heavens Wrath, Burnt Tree, Loves to Hide, and so many more. They were all coming to help the two legger that could hear them and could speak, the two legger who raged like an injured bear. A bear who's color was midnight blue, and whose claws were silver, then a picture appeared and all agreed with it. Angered Bear, that was a good name for this two legger. The killing began then, with what was left of the Shienars trying to kill a fade, they to great sadness, failed to completely kill the Soulless, they did however manage to remove its left arm and its right hand. Ramza and Pretty Sight soon began to kill trollocks letting Night rush a fade where the hole had opened, Ramza lost an ax head when he struck a trollock that looked like a bear, but that only hardened his resolve to slay them all. When the fade fell there was only 10 trollocks left and the pack of 20 was now a pack of 13, but the wolves thought it was a small price to pay if it meant that they killed 3 Never Born. Dark was coming and Ramza smelled something similar to home and bashed open the door to one of the Broken tower. The wolves hurried inside as they smelled things that were far worse than trollocks, moving deeper into the castle Ramza noticed a sense of peace fall over him when he entered a rather large courtyard, he also noticed a hadori hanging on a peg, and written out was this: Who ever finds this know that I was too late that I was out in the blight afraid that the One Power would lead to the destruction of the ones I loved, I was caught by one Aes Sadie, well not caught but cornered, that’s when I balefired, she called it that it was only a shiny white light to me, I told her I would hit her with that next unless she would tell me the way to save my people, but alas for her she told me there was no way to save the dead. And there would be no saving my soul unless i was gentled. I laughed as she burned alive, I think that’s when I lost a small bit of my mind, I arrived too late all i knew were dead, but still i burned alive trollocks fades and other much darker creatures. This place keeps the one power away, I can't stand it any more, I leave my Hadori to whomever finds it, I must leave now so that I can destroy those who killed my king and family Ramza didn't know what half the words meant but he picked up the Hadori tied it on and prayed aloud, "Light bless the man who died in the cause, may the dark one not have his soul and may he be reborn with no pain and only happiness thank you whoever you are for the lesson i take from here and I swear to use it to destroy the blight" Ramza waited till morning and then the pack left with him, there were 2 alpha males, and Ramza followed were they lead back out and they started moving away from their hunting lands, but ramza asked to be allowed to see his king and pay his respects to the dead before they left Ramza marched first to the king of Shienar and told him of what had happened to the company that he had been in and requested a letter of reconmadation to the warder program, the king sighed but agreed for Ramza's eyes could bring nothing but trouble to the poor boy and his final parting words still echoed in ramza's head,"Though you may not be of my flesh and blood know that always will you have a spot in my guard should you need it, here is a note to give to the first warder you encounter, it will explain that i believe that you are not shadow cursed or one with the shadow, if you must leave then leave now, and may the light bless you." Dark "The Never Born will follow us we must seek the 2 legs that throw fire" Ramza shook his head not knowing what was meant, the traveling continued for several months with a few fights. Once they found one of the females, Ramza suddenly felt something pull him, love? Ramza wasn't sure but it seemed as if it was Ramza couldn’t be sure. Ramza thought it might be the one power dragging him along and asked the wolves to leave that it could be very dangerous. Most of the wolves left but a few decided to stay and accompany him and stay with and make their own pack, Silver Scar; Too long have I hunted and killed the twisted ones it would nice to lie down and rest in my old age, i am thinking of setting up a territory not to far, but not to close to that place of many 2 leggers, it will be within 4 days of running from sun high to sun set, if you have need of any of us please feel free to come and talk. With that the Old wolf started to sprint away at an angle of where Ramza was supposed to be going. Ramza nodded and didn’t' disagree with the Leader for he had much yet to learn form the wolves. And hoped he would get days off to go adn visit the Wolves new territory Loves to Hide pounced on Ramza from a tree, Ramza never could figure out how the wolf could do such things ,but the wolf spoke up ; I want to go find new places to jump, hide, and look at, and Silver scar has Always lead me to new places, i will be following him, don't worry I think he would welcome you back if you decide that you don't like the other two leggers. The last wolf that traveled with Ramza looked him in the eyes and spoke softly ;There will be many things pup, that you will need, the one I think you will need the most is friends; Never forget that we will be around and will always help you if we can, but teh females that throw fire are too dangerous. We will stay in touch The wolves were now all gone from sight and Ramza felt a tear well up, pushing away such trivail things he saluted them with his ax, and kept marching to the White tower. Serveral years past from that day, Ramza fought many mock battles and learned much of the Way of The Ax, he bested many men that were better than him and ones that were not. After being given his shifting cloak he was asked by the Head Warder how he was able to beat some of the men that he did. "Sir those that were not as good as me i did my best to disarm or render unable to fight. Those that were as good as i am i sadly had to kill. But there have been 3 men in my time studying here that were infinitly better than me,;: the first died from arrogance, he thought himself unbeatable by someone that used an ax;, the second died because of fear, for you see hearing of my exploits he was beside himself and made greivous errors because of my percieved ablility." The Old man looked at Ramza and raised an eye brow, "And the Third man?" Ramza's smile grew cold, "The third man died beacuse i refused to quit, refused to not kill the man thatran away from teh battle that my brothers adn father never had a chance to run from." |
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| Rowan Trakand | Aug 6 2009, 07:02 PM Post #2 |
Goddess Admin
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Well the history is certainly lengthy enough! However your spelling is a bit rushed, most of the mistakes look like they were just typos that you didn't check over and correct. As for the content of the bio itself, while the history is very interesting it does not coincide with our site's basis. In our world, which is set over 300 years AFTER Tarmon Gaidon, Malkier has been returned from the Blight and is a healthy and thriving Borderland country. This will likely effect quite a bit of your history so I'd just ask you to look over it carefully and rewrite where you need to. Also, pay special attention to your typos and other spelling and grammar issues. Usually a quick run through spell check will catch most of them but it always helps to give it a final read through even after that. Please let me know when the appropriate edits have been made, thanks! |
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| Rowul Stromblade | Aug 7 2009, 01:49 AM Post #3 |
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Name: Ramza Stromblade Nationality: Shienar Hair color: Black Eye Color: Yellow Height: 6'1 Weight: 200 Age: 27 Path Followed: Gaiden,,,Wolfkin Appearance: Ramza is almost always wearing his plate. His plate is laquored black, His ax is Black with silvery runes. Personality: Ramza Has a strong sense of honor and has nothing but distain for the southern kingdoms, and will vocalize it when he is given a chance, Ramza sees THE GAME as nothing but a southern ideal that proves men's incompatance and stupidity, Ramza has yet to decide hwo to address Aes Sedia for doing such, but as a border man he will follow them and help them to destoy any dark spawn Talents Major: Wolfkin, Ax Mastery Medium: no idea atm Minor: no clue as of now Strengths: Has an extreme grasp on tactics, Ability to SEE in the dark, Improved Hearing, Improved scent Flaws: Unable to deal with people as well as he can deal with wolves; Unable to deal with younglings, and recruits, due to his strict spartan nature; Blunt and honest about what he feels and how he fells it, even to aes sadie; Uneducated, can barely read and write History: Ramza grew up in Shienar, in the kings own castle, to most this would have been a boring time seeing as how the blight was on the move and all one did was study tactics, But to ramza it felt as if he were in heaven. From an early age he would sit in a corner during lessons on tactics of every time and would cradle his wooden sword and listen in rapture, The king was his uncle, not in the sense of blood but in the sense that Ramza stayed in his sight and brought joy to the king by being a child and doing childish things. Once ramza captured several frogs and had sstrings attachted to them and called them his army, the king laughed for days at that. One day he asked a question that changed his view this was at the age of 14, "Why do you wear that braided peice of leather on your head uncle?" King "This symbolizes the pledge to destroy the blight in the name of the Light." Ramza "But uncle The Seven Towers have been fixed, you send people out there to destroy Trollock camps but really what is the importance of that piece of land." The king looked out his window in the receiving room, "Our ancestors were too late to save our sister nation, the Lances were late all we were able to do was cover the retreat of the civilians, A few of their Horseman companies made it to the point where we could reach them," my uncles eyes misted over and he seemed to be reliving a moment of great pain and agony, "The Standard still flew on top of the Towers, men were still shouting for the Golden Crane, they forced their way forward only to see the towers on Fire, and saw them topple, to this day all of our warriors feel shame and sadness that we were not able to help save Malkier, in her time of need. Please leave me for a bit i need to think for a time" Ramza left the room with his head spinning, his father, older brothers, and the man he called Uncle were men of Honor, If they were shamed by such things then he should help them redeem themselves somehow. Ramza's early teen years were filled with journeying to find the Malkeiri and to discover if there was anything that any of the Shienarians could have done. His Eldest brother Rakma followed him out of a sense of duty and because Ramza was the baby, and it would have killed his mother, Having his fathers blessing to search was an incredible boon, but also was some what of a hardship for Ramza should have been learning war studies and read and writing and arithmetic. Ramza was full of questions that had no answers, his brother was full of home sickness and Ramza could see that being away form home for 7 years was taking a toll on his brother, the south was not a place that Ramza liked either, but he had to deal with it when he was searching for the records of the Last Crowned Battle King, the mans name was Lan, but when he found out where he would be forced to travel in order to find out more of the secret histories Ramza stuttered and gripped his brothers arm tight. "One last trip Rakie, one last trip" Rakmar sighed but smiled at the fear he was seeing in his younger brother at the thought of having to meet warders "We should go home first and see mother and see how she is doing then we can make one last trip" Ramza smiled at the thought of seeing his mother and nodded, "Only if you promise to come back with me, that’s the only way I will leave." Rakmar smiled and tosseled Ramza's hair, then said, "This will be my last trip away from the blight I have seen the southerners and find that i can't stand them just as much as you, yes one last trip, we should even visit the Amyrlin, she saw you when you were but a babe in swaddling clothes, plus we can send greeting from Shienar, though you will need to be on your best behavior, and will have to dress to impress her." Ramza smiled "Deal" When Ramza and Rakmars got home it was his only a month till his 18th birthday and he came home to ill news, his father Deathor meet them both at the gate, "Your mother has been welcomed to the final embrace not 3 months gone, Both of you are forbidden to leave while I live, it broke her heart that her baby was so far away. You have not been training or reading have you Ramza?" Ramza had tears flowing from his face, "No sir, I have not been training to read, write or fight, though I have been working my body to keep healthy sir." Deathor shook his head, "That will change you must catch up, it is good that you have kept healthy, go now, i have much to speak with Drakmar with" As ramza was walking away he heard a cry of pain and looked back to see that his father was holding up his eldest brother and was speaking quietly to him. Ramza Vowed to not fail again, that he would make his father proud no matter what it would take. Ramza studied everyday with an ax master, everyday after turning the age of 18 Ramza was up 3 hours before sunrise until 10 bells. Ramza was addicted it seemed to practice and never felt good enough, always striving to be better, always striving to keep his Vow, and to be worthy of his uncles praise and his wisdom. Till the day he heard howls, never before hearing a wolf he was kind of scared and yet he knew that it was going to be fine the wolf had just lost his....that wasn't right he shouldn't know what was going on in a wolfs mind. Ramza tried to hide the fact that he could hear the wolves. Ramza kept practicing his ax skill and did so unitl the day he was allowed to go on a raid to malkier, he had just turned 26.... The wolves could hear where he was going and decided to follow him, Ramza lost his mind during a the raid when he was near the broken tower. The reason that Ramza lost his mind had nothing to do with the loss of his father, or his 3 brothers; it had nothing to do with watching them dragged off still kicking and screaming as the trollocks pulled them deeper into the horde.... No the reason that Ramza lost his mind was the smell, and the new clarity he saw. The smell alone should drive men insane and men should smell those beasts for miles, he never realized just how bad they really smelled until he was inches from some of them fighting for his life..... That’s when the howls came, the howls of wolves came from every direction, and even from Ramza himself. A image appeared in his head, A slivery light reflected a scarred wolf, (Silver Scar) We come young one, we come to help you fight the Never born and twisted ones Another image appeared in his head of a black wolf pup scrambling from under a pile of bodies, and from a still twitching Eyeless. (Night of Black Death) I would come no matter if others refused if only to kill the never born More images flowed through his head. A blue butterfly on a red flower (Pretty Sight), a noble elk that learned to not fear a grey wolf with a black hind leg (Strange Friends), A sea of green grass moving in the wind (Green Wave), a grasshopper jumping around while trying to flee (Jumps Good)..More were coming but all he was able to do was glimpse names ,Wild Fire, Heavens Wrath, Burnt Tree, Loves to Hide, and so many more. They were all coming to help the two legger that could hear them and could speak, the two legger who raged like an injured bear. A bear who's color was midnight blue, and whose claws were silver, then a picture appeared and all agreed with it. Angered Bear, that was a good name for this two legger. The killing began then, with what was left of the Shienars’ trying to kill a fade, they to great sadness, failed to completely kill the Soulless, they did however manage to remove its left arm and its right hand. Ramza and Pretty Sight soon began to kill trollocks letting Night rush a fade where the hole had opened, Ramza lost an ax head when he struck a trollock that looked like a bear, but that only hardened his resolve to slay them all. When the fade fell there was only 10 trollocks left and the pack of 20 was now a pack of 13, but the wolves thought it was a small price to pay if it meant that they killed 3 Never Born. Dark was coming and Ramza smelled something similar to home and bashed open the door to one of the Broken tower. The wolves hurried inside as they smelled things that were far worse than trollocks, moving deeper into the castle Ramza noticed a sense of peace fall over him when he entered a rather large courtyard, he also noticed a hadori hanging on a peg, and written out was this: Who ever finds this know that I was too late that I was out in the blight afraid that the One Power would lead to the destruction of the ones I loved, I was caught by one Aes Sadie, well not caught but cornered, that’s when I balefired, she called it that it was only a shiny white light to me, I told her I would hit her with that next unless she would tell me the way to save my people, but alas for her she told me there was no way to save the dead. And there would be no saving my soul unless i was gentled. I laughed as she burned alive, I think that’s when I lost a small bit of my mind, I arrived too late all i knew were dead, but still i burned alive trollocks fades and other much darker creatures. This place keeps the one power away, I can't stand it any more, I leave my Hadori to whomever finds it, I must leave now so that I can destroy those who killed my king and family Ramza didn't know what half the words meant but he picked up the Hadori tied it on and prayed aloud, "Light bless the man who died in the cause, may the dark one not have his soul and may he be reborn with no pain and only happiness thank you whoever you are for the lesson i take from here and I swear to use it to destroy the blight" Ramza waited till morning and then the pack left with him, there were 2 alpha males, and Ramza followed were they lead back out and they started moving away from their hunting lands, but ramza asked to be allowed to see his king and pay his respects to the dead before they left Ramza marched first to the king of Shienar and told him of what had happened to the company that he had been in and requested a letter of recommendation to the warder program, the king sighed but agreed for Ramza's eyes could bring nothing but trouble to the poor boy and his final parting words still echoed in ramza's head,” Though you may not be of my flesh and blood know that always will you have a spot in my guard should you need it, here is a note to give to the first warder you encounter, it will explain that i believe that you are not shadow cursed or one with the shadow, if you must leave then leave now, and may the light bless you." Dark "The Never Born will follow us we must seek the 2 legs that throw fire" Ramza shook his head not knowing what was meant, the traveling continued for several months with a few fights. Once they found one of the females, Ramza suddenly felt something pull him, love? Ramza wasn't sure but it seemed as if it was Ramza couldn’t be sure. Ramza thought it might be the one power dragging him along and asked the wolves to leave that it could be very dangerous. Most of the wolves left but a few decided to stay and accompany him and stay with and make their own pack, Silver Scar; Too long have I hunted and killed the twisted ones it would nice to lie down and rest in my old age, i am thinking of setting up a territory not to far, but not to close to that place of many 2 leggers, it will be within 4 days of running from sun high to sun set, if you have need of any of us please feel free to come and talk. With that the Old wolf started to sprint away at an angle of where Ramza was supposed to be going. Ramza nodded and didn’t' disagree with the Leader for he had much yet to learn form the wolves. And hoped he would get days off to go and visit the Wolves new territory Loves to Hide pounced on Ramza from a tree, Ramza never could figure out how the wolf could do such things ,but the wolf spoke up ; I want to go find new places to jump, hide, and look at, and Silver scar has Always lead me to new places, i will be following him, don't worry I think he would welcome you back if you decide that you don't like the other two leggers. The last wolf that traveled with Ramza looked him in the eyes and spoke softly ;There will be many things pup, that you will need, the one I think you will need the most is friends; Never forget that we will be around and will always help you if we can, but teh females that throw fire are too dangerous. We will stay in touch The wolves were now all gone from sight and Ramza felt a tear well up, pushing away such trivail things he saluted them with his ax, and kept marching to the White tower. Several years past from that day, Ramza fought many mock battles and learned much of the Way of The Ax, he bested many men that were better than him and ones that were not. After being given his shifting cloak he was asked by the Head Warder how he was able to beat some of the men that he did. "Sir those that were not as good as me i did my best to disarm or render unable to fight. Those that were as good as I am I sadly had to kill. But there have been 3 men in my time studying here that were infinitely better than me,;: the first died from arrogance, he thought himself unbeatable by someone that used an ax;, the second died because of fear, for you see hearing of my exploits he was beside himself and made grievous errors because of my perceived ability." The Old man looked at Ramza and raised an eye brow, "And the Third man?" Ramza's smile grew cold, "The third man died because I refused to quit, refused to not kill the man that ran away from the battle that my brothers and father never had a chance to run from." [ooc well now see if this is the corrections that are needed i am of the thought that it is ok but i would like to know if it fits now] |
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| Darkling | Aug 7 2009, 10:25 AM Post #4 |
Eve's roomie
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Ramza, I would have to say that this biography really still doesn't mesh with the site. I understand that you did edit it, but it has been 300 years since Tarmon Gaiden and Malkieri really still wouldn't be holding grudges against the past...because they won and the towers are rebuillt and everyone is in a state of happiness, more or less. I enjoyed the detail and time that you put into your character but unfortunately we don't necessarily rely on length for a good post but more so for the quality of the writing and coherence of thought. Where you had length, I'm sorry to have to say there wasn't coherence for me. I wasn't sure what was happening from one moment to the next and there were some tense mix ups that threw me off of what you were trying to say. Knowing when to use past or present tense is very valuable and switching between them very confusing for readers. I was very confused as to what story you were wanting to tell or where it started. I understood that Ramza was from Shienar, but i wasn't clear on who his father was. I wasn't sure why his mother died and how that affected him, or what he was even doing while he was away, or why he was away. It was unclear to mewhen you mentioned that he loved a woman, because there was no mention of her again or how he came across her or...over all i think there needs to be some condensing and some editing to help content flow and better translation of thought for readers. Now, with all this said, if you would like to completely rewrite the bio and still want to be on the site then you are more than welcome to and when you have completely rewritten it we will consider your bio at that time. But as it stands right now, because of the confusion in the bio and because we think that your character might fit better on another site, we will have to decline your petition to join Turnings. Thank you for your interest in our site, Admin Katie |
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| Rowul Stromblade | Aug 7 2009, 01:19 PM Post #5 |
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The tense perfect past and future was the word editors idea, as for malkier not holding a grudge that is beyond a doubt true. But men have long memories, and it takes even longer for a man/country to forgive itself than for someone else to forgive it/him Deathor was Ramza's father as was stated. I never really had an idea why his mother died or how that impacted him as a person, its something that happens. The love he felt was supposed to show back up as a darkfreind trying to use compulsion on him and failing due to his closeness with the wolves. can you tell me where the major flow issues are since English wasn't my first langauge i am firing in the dark since to me it seems to flow not like water, but it still seems to flow. [i am part blackfoot indian, and wasn't taught english till i was 6 years old that way teh lilting accent would be in place as well as the fact that it was supposed to make it hard to forget my mother tongue.] |
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| Rowul Stromblade | Aug 11 2009, 10:24 PM Post #6 |
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Name: Ramza Stromblade Nationality: Shienar Hair color: Black Eye Color: Yellow Height: 6'1 Weight: 200 Age: 27 Path Followed: Gaiden,,,Wolfkin Appearance: Ramza is almost always wearing his plate. His plate is laquored black, His ax is Black with silvery runes. Personality: Ramza Has a strong sense of honor and has nothing but distain for the southern kingdoms, and will vocalize it when he is given a chance, Ramza sees THE GAME as nothing but a southern ideal that proves men's incompatance and stupidity, Ramza has yet to decide hwo to address Aes Sedia for doing such, but as a border man he will follow them and help them to destoy any dark spawn Talents Major: Wolfkin, Ax Mastery (Must be learned, the ax being Ramza’s primary weapon) Medium: no idea atm Minor: no clue as of now Strengths: Has an extreme grasp on tactics, Ability to SEE in the dark, Improved Hearing, Improved scent Flaws: Unable to deal with people as well as he can deal with wolves; Unable to deal with younglings, and recruits, due to his strict spartan nature; Blunt and honest about what he feels and how he fells it, even to aes sadie; Uneducated, can barely read and write Not much is known of Rowul's past the only story that anyone has heard is of his training and the battle of the wolves, [Warder telling the story to his Bonded] Ramza studied everyday with an ax master, everyday after turning the age of 18 Ramza was up 3 hours before sunrise until 10 bells. Ramza was addicted it seemed to practice and never felt good enough, always striving to be better, always striving to keep his Vow, and to be worthy of his uncles praise and his wisdom. Till the day he heard howls, never before hearing a wolf he was kind of scared and yet he knew that it was going to be fine the wolf had just lost his....that wasn't right he shouldn't know what was going on in a wolfs mind. Ramza tried to hide the fact that he could hear the wolves. Ramza kept practicing his ax skill and did so unitl the day he was allowed to go on a raid to malkier, he had just turned 26.... The wolves could hear where he was going and decided to follow him, Ramza lost his mind during a the raid when he was near the broken tower. The reason that Ramza lost his mind had nothing to do with the loss of his father, or his 3 brothers; it had nothing to do with watching them dragged off still kicking and screaming as the trollocks pulled them deeper into the horde.... No the reason that Ramza lost his mind was the smell, and the new clarity he saw. The smell alone should drive men insane and men should smell those beasts for miles, he never realized just how bad they really smelled until he was inches from some of them fighting for his life..... That’s when the howls came, the howls of wolves came from every direction, and even from Ramza himself. A image appeared in his head, A slivery light reflected a scarred wolf, (Silver Scar) We come young one, we come to help you fight the Never born and twisted ones Another image appeared in his head of a black wolf pup scrambling from under a pile of bodies, and from a still twitching Eyeless. (Night of Black Death) I would come no matter if others refused if only to kill the never born More images flowed through his head. A blue butterfly on a red flower (Pretty Sight), a noble elk that learned to not fear a grey wolf with a black hind leg (Strange Friends), A sea of green grass moving in the wind (Green Wave), a grasshopper jumping around while trying to flee (Jumps Good)..More were coming but all he was able to do was glimpse names ,Wild Fire, Heavens Wrath, Burnt Tree, Loves to Hide, and so many more. They were all coming to help the two legger that could hear them and could speak, the two legger who raged like an injured bear. A bear who's color was midnight blue, and whose claws were silver, then a picture appeared and all agreed with it. Angered Bear, that was a good name for this two legger. The killing began then, with what was left of the Shienars’ trying to kill a fade, they to great sadness, failed to completely kill the Soulless, they did however manage to remove its left arm and its right hand. Ramza and Pretty Sight soon began to kill trollocks letting Night rush a fade where the hole had opened, Ramza lost an ax head when he struck a trollock that looked like a bear, but that only hardened his resolve to slay them all. When the fade fell there was only 10 trollocks left and the pack of 20 was now a pack of 13, but the wolves thought it was a small price to pay if it meant that they killed 3 Never Born. Dark was coming and Ramza smelled something similar to home and bashed open the door to one of the Broken tower. The wolves hurried inside as they smelled things that were far worse than trollocks, moving deeper into the castle Ramza noticed a sense of peace fall over him when he entered a rather large courtyard, he also noticed a hadori hanging on a peg, and written out was this: Who ever finds this know that I was too late that I was out in the blight afraid that the One Power would lead to the destruction of the ones I loved, I was caught by one Aes Sadie, well not caught but cornered, that’s when I balefired, she called it that it was only a shiny white light to me, I told her I would hit her with that next unless she would tell me the way to save my people, but alas for her she told me there was no way to save the dead. And there would be no saving my soul unless i was gentled. I laughed as she burned alive, I think that’s when I lost a small bit of my mind, I arrived too late all i knew were dead, but still i burned alive trollocks fades and other much darker creatures. This place keeps the one power away, I can't stand it any more, I leave my Hadori to whomever finds it, I must leave now so that I can destroy those who killed my king and family Ramza didn't know what half the words meant but he picked up the Hadori tied it on and prayed aloud, "Light bless the man who died in the cause, may the dark one not have his soul and may he be reborn with no pain and only happiness thank you whoever you are for the lesson i take from here and I swear to use it to destroy the blight" Ramza waited till morning and then the pack left with him, there were 2 alpha males, and Ramza followed were they lead back out and they started moving away from their hunting lands, but ramza asked to be allowed to see his king and pay his respects to the dead before they left Ramza marched first to the king of Shienar and told him of what had happened to the company that he had been in and requested a letter of recommendation to the warder program, the king sighed but agreed for Ramza's eyes could bring nothing but trouble to the poor boy and his final parting words still echoed in ramza's head,” Though you may not be of my flesh and blood know that always will you have a spot in my guard should you need it, here is a note to give to the first warder you encounter, it will explain that i believe that you are not shadow cursed or one with the shadow, if you must leave then leave now, and may the light bless you." Dark "The Never Born will follow us we must seek the 2 legs that throw fire" Ramza shook his head not knowing what was meant, the traveling continued for several months with a few fights. Most of the wolves left but a few decided to stay and accompany him and stay with and make their own pack, Silver Scar; Too long have I hunted and killed the twisted ones it would nice to lie down and rest in my old age, i am thinking of setting up a territory not to far, but not to close to that place of many 2 leggers, it will be within 4 days of running from sun high to sun set, if you have need of any of us please feel free to come and talk. With that the Old wolf started to sprint away at an angle of where Ramza was supposed to be going. Ramza nodded and didn’t' disagree with the Leader for he had much yet to learn form the wolves. And hoped he would get days off to go and visit the Wolves new territory Loves to Hide pounced on Ramza from a tree, Ramza never could figure out how the wolf could do such things ,but the wolf spoke up ; I want to go find new places to jump, hide, and look at, and Silver scar has Always lead me to new places, i will be following him, don't worry I think he would welcome you back if you decide that you don't like the other two leggers. The last wolf that traveled with Ramza looked him in the eyes and spoke softly ;There will be many things pup, that you will need, the one I think you will need the most is friends; Never forget that we will be around and will always help you if we can, but teh females that throw fire are too dangerous. We will stay in touch The wolves were now all gone from sight and Ramza felt a tear well up, pushing away such trivail things he saluted them with his ax, and kept marching to the White tower. "And That my dear is all that we know of the Yellow eyed ax-man, though there is a rumor floating around that he had a conversation with a very old Warder. On of the Tower guards over heard it, what we do know of the man is that he is deadly as they come with that two handed ax. I can summon the man who heard it if you would like" said the aged Borderlander. "Yes please do so , i would like it greatly to know even a little more of the mans past or just about how he speaks and acts seeing as how he is almost never in the tower" said the Yellow sister. The tower guard saluted promtly and told the Yellow sister everything he heard , The Head Warder asked how he was able to beat some of the men that he did. "Sir those that were not as good as me i did my best to disarm or render unable to fight. Those that were as good as I am I sadly had to kill. But there have been 3 men in my time studying here that were infinitely better than me,;: the first died from arrogance, he thought himself unbeatable by someone that used an ax;, the second died because of fear, for you see hearing of my exploits he was beside himself and made grievous errors because of my perceived ability." The Old man looked at Ramza and raised an eye brow, "And the Third man?" Ramza's smile grew cold, "The third man died because I refused to quit, refused to not kill the man that ran away from the battle that my brothers and father never had a chance to run from." " The Yellow sister smiled, "Interesting Very Intersting" |
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| Rowul Stromblade | Aug 12 2009, 04:05 PM Post #7 |
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can you please move this thread somewhere else i am going to post the cleaned up bio now |
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9:50 AM Nov 26
