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Quinn's Killing Service; Solo
Topic Started: Dec 30 2017, 01:26 AM (96 Views)
deathwalkerofdeath
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Vault dweller
[ *  * ]

"Dan,Dan!" A woman yells outside of Dan's tent who is named Quinn who he still very much dislikes, "Yeah?" Dan replied with a groan, it's the next day after fighting that mutant dog and Dan still hasn't cleaned his outfit with many stains still on it. "God, why the hell haven't you clean that disgusting blood off you yet!?" Quinn said with disgust " This is just part of the-", "Yeah,yeah part of the job,whatever, just clean yourself up for the sake of my nose!" Quinn interrupting Dan's speech with her crossing her arms in disgust. "Fine, I will go to the watering hole and wash this outfit." Dan says, annoyed. "Thank you. God you almost made me forget to give this to you!" She then hands him a note with crude writing on it but can still read " From Kelvin" in the front of the letter. "Who the hell is Kelvin?" Dan asked "It's the man you helped the other day, did you not even exchange names!?" Dan just replies emotionless "It was not needed to help the man." Quinn in shock just scolds Dan "God, we need to work on your social skills, just open the letter..." Dan does so with his new knife he got from the dog and cuts it open, once he does it reveals a very poorly written letter, but it was still readable, on the note it says:

"Dear Friend

Thank you for helping me take down that mutt and helping my brother get his last rest. Right now I'm traveling to Brick, to hopefully get rid of that awful memory, but before I went to Brick, I decided to write you this letter, my brother was the only thing I had left, now I have nothing left but you, friend, I hope I can see you again, and maybe I can pay you back, alright?

From your greatest friend, Kelvin"

When Dan was reading it, you can see that, for the first time in a while, that his form relaxed and a smile crept up his face for just a few brief seconds, but Dan after reading it, quickly crumbled up the paper and tossed it at the back of his tent, Quinn just looks with shock, then yells " Hey, that is extremely rude! The man just sent you a letter and you just throw it away!?" Dan just looks down with a tiny whisper says " I need to focus on the job..." Quinn looks confused then ask "Whatcha say?" Dan, startled , just quickly raises his head back up with the same tense form he always had ,trying to get off topic says "Do you have a job for me." Quinn is just absolutely bewildered by this but regains her form then puts on a fake smile and says "Well no, but today we are going to officially start advertising our business to this small little town, to finally start getting regular jobs!" Quinn then pulls out all of these posted she made crudely with a pencil and it reads:

"Do you need something dead, but don't have skills to do it?
Well come on down to Quinn's Killing Service and we will get
the job done!

Our head bounty hunter, Dan is one of the best around, he can take down any creature and maybe even some bandits! He can and will get the job done!

So come on down and we will solve all your killing needs!"

Dan just stares with confusion, then after a few moments of thinking, he says " What is this?" Quinn happily replies " This is going to be our official poster for our services, isn't it exciting!?" Dan just looks at Quinn like she is an idiot who is just upright with a huge smile "Quinn, you realize we live in a tent, we can't hold a business like this, plus I'm the only bounty hunter you have." Quinn,still beaming replies " Don't worry, I got this figured out," Dan just sits down and hears her out her crazy plans " so first I got the place figured out, a junkie named Rat Skull is holed up in a shack he took from some settlers by killing them, not only will this help our rep, this also will give us a place to set up shop!" Dan hears this plan, then just nod. "Okay, not a bad plan, I need to start practicing more with laser pistol anyway, plus some training with this knife." He says as he twirls it around his fingers, Quinn gleefully screams " Yay!" Dan is just annoyed to the brim at this point, but it was something that could truly be beneficial, so he grabs his knife and pistol then walks to the site of the junkie.
Strength:5
Perception:5
Endurance:5
Charisma: 3
Intelligence:6
Agility:10
Luck:6

Currently in Bucket Town

Items:Wolf Tooth Dagger, Homemade Laser, Rock Knuckles,Pack, Pathwork Big Hide, and Mouth Guard

A bounty hunter ready to kill,has messy black hair,a strong body, and wears desert clothing. He is cold and calculated and fast. He doesn't trust easily but will work with others but only for profit. He has a homemade laser, rock knuckle, and a big pack. Also has a serious face and scars all over his body.
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_wastes/inde...?showtopic=2792
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deathwalkerofdeath
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Vault dweller
[ *  * ]
Dan walks to the shack, he can still see all of the tents with people moving around or just sleeping, Dan, while walking thinks (First time a person actually liked what I did for them, well first outside of my old town, hmm, no,no Dan, don't think of the past, focus on the present!) While Dan is thinking, he bumps into the shack of the junkie "Oof! Shit, didn't see that..oh wait, it's the place, better check it out." Dan looks around to see that the shack has dusty windows and very bleak colors on it, Dan then sees a front a door, and he runs up, then readies his laser pistol, then looks through the windows to see no one inside, so he counts " 1....2...3!" He kicks the door down, revealing a dark, dusty room with little movement being seen or heard, Dan decides to walk around, seeing little signs of the junkie, then he hear whispering "Ohh, the little boy fall off the bridge, then the mom committed suicide, and the dad killed a hooker! Hahaha!" Dan searches around for the man, then finds a closet and inside is a man with raider clothing with jet lying around him, his eyes are bloodshot, his skin is very pale with dust forming on him. Dan just calmly ask the man " Are you the Junkie?" The crazed man replies " Oh Junk and a key, are you saying that junk is the key!? Dan just slowly raises his pistol to shoot the man, but then the man then jumps up, screaming "Your eyes are pretty, I will add them to the collection!"

The man then charges at Dan with a hatchet, swinging it around like crazy, Dan is able to quickly dodge the man's attacks but can't get a good shot with him swing so close, so Dan runs out of the shack and the man says " Oh but the tea party was only beginning!" The man just throws his hatch at Dan and it gets very close to Dan's shoulder, that his shoulder starts to bleed! "Arrgh!" Dan yells out as more people come out to look at this fight, Dan just opens fire, with 4 shots hitting the man's chest but the man is completely unfazed! "Ohh, did miss Gatsby turn on the heater at full again!" The man just charges at Dan with his fist and starts slamming into Dan, and eventually knocking him down! "God, why the hell is this junkie so strong!?" The junkie just keeps screaming and Dan is able to get a shot off his laser pistol but it goes wide, the junkie just slaps the pistol away "Oh the piñata is about to burst!" With constant blows constantly hitting Dan's arms and body, it was looking grim for Dan, but then Dan remembered his knife he got from the wolf, so Dan decided to put his arms down to allow the man to beat on his face while Dan reached for his, Dan was wearing a mouth guard so none of his teeth would "fall out" but he was getting bruises after bruises on his face, but Dan was reaching for his knife,feeling for it, until he got it in his left hand, the junkie screams "Ooo, I hope the candy that comes out of you is chocolate." Dan holds tight to his knife and then with a quick turn of his body, made Dan on his side, which caught the junkie off guard which caused him to fall off to the ground "Whoa, this a cool piñat-arrghhh!" Dan didn't let him finish as Dan stabbed him in the stomach, the raider's eyes rolled back but the raider's final words was a simple "Heh." as he faded to death.

Dan, exhausted just realizes how many people are watching him, some are in disgust, other intrigue, but most are in fear, Dan noticing this just gets up and calmly get his pistol, searches the guy for anything on him, then left silently with people's eyes just piercing him. Dan eventually get's back to Quinn and utters " The job is done." Quinn at first smiles widely but then notices how bruised up Dan's face was, and her face turned to worry with her exclaiming "Jesus, you look like you fight a brahmin with your fist!" Dan moans "It is nothing to worry about, we got.....the shack, I'm sure most folks won't mind us taking it after dealing with that criminal." Quinn just looks with absolute seriousness "Yeah, well let's just get our stuff." Dan and Quinn pack up their stuff in complete silence, then put it in the small shack and the people just look like they were a small performance, ,Quinn, after she put down her stuff says "Well I'm going to go over this with the council, I'm sure they will allow us to take this property after we- I mean you killed that junkie, it would be good showing of why they need out business to defend the people, don't you think?" Dan is just sitting of floor, just staring into space, wondering about how he almost died, Quinn just leaves him to his thoughts, Dan just lies on the ground and whispers to himself " I wonder how long I can keep this job...alive"

Fin

OOC: So this is just a storyline of Dan and Quinn trying their best to get ahead, it will have a continuation with Quinn and Dan getting new recruits to join, but for now just trying to find an office to hold meetings. I hope this one has less grammar mistakes and thank you for reading
Strength:5
Perception:5
Endurance:5
Charisma: 3
Intelligence:6
Agility:10
Luck:6

Currently in Bucket Town

Items:Wolf Tooth Dagger, Homemade Laser, Rock Knuckles,Pack, Pathwork Big Hide, and Mouth Guard

A bounty hunter ready to kill,has messy black hair,a strong body, and wears desert clothing. He is cold and calculated and fast. He doesn't trust easily but will work with others but only for profit. He has a homemade laser, rock knuckle, and a big pack. Also has a serious face and scars all over his body.
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_wastes/inde...?showtopic=2792
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azstarael
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"Got a light?"
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Jr. Mod AZ reporting for duty.

All right, kiddo. CP went the asspat route, welcome to the deep end of the critique pool, where thar be sharks. This isn’t going to be pretty, but want you to know this isn’t me being mean, it’s me trying to help. I can see that you have passion for the stories you want to tell, and I’d like to, in time, see them become something…well, readable.

To be completely blunt, this is bad in every regard. Present tense prose is awkward and rarely, if ever, used outside of dialogue. Your paragraphs are a mess of missing spaces, some where they don’t need to be, incomplete punctuation, and the huge chunks make it very easy to skip a line without realizing it. The way you jump around during the action, I probably missed a few, and it was so dry and non-descriptive I don’t feel like I missed out on anything anyway. I had no idea who was doing what most of the time, and when I did, it was so one dimensional that I didn’t particularly care anyway. There was no setup, no lead-ins between scene changes. I’d at least like to know how Quinn found out about this junkie in the first place, why no one’s done anything about him yet and why, how Dan found the place, ect. There’s a lot that could have been added to flesh things out, as well as give room for character perspective.

I think the best way to describe it is, a comic without pictures. You’ve basically written a storyboard without filling in any of the gaps. There is no flavor to any of the characters, I have no idea what they look like or what their personality is supposed to be. The one thing I took away from it is Dan Is Sullen, Quinn Is Loud. The action was lackluster at best, downright nonsensical at worst. So this guy can take four slugs to the chest without batting an eye, but a knife in the gut is going to do him in no problem? When writing intense scenes, you’ll want to research how things like that actually affect the human body. A single bullet wound is more often than not going to take someone out for the count, while a stab wound, albeit very painful and in this instance, probably fatal later, should have been your starting point. A person can keep going with one of those. Bullets do a lot more damage than action movies would lead a person to believe, and it feels like you took all of your pointers from one of those.

I’ve taken the liberty of re-writing the first paragraph into something comprehensible. I’d like you to compare the original work to it, and see what I’m talking about.


"Dan, Dan!" A woman yelled outside the tent of the man in question. It was Quinn, his ‘employer’, a woman who filled the spot of Dan’s least favorite person for the moment.

"Yeah?" Dan replied with a groan. He’d been in a rather serious tussle with a mutant dog just the day before, and Dan had yet to so much as clean the blood from his clothes. Quinn didn’t hesitate to point it out as he stepped outside.

"God, why the hell haven't you clean that disgusting blood off you yet!?" Quinn asked with disgust.

"This is just part of the-” Dan began.

"Yeah, yeah, part of the job, whatever, just clean yourself up for the sake of my nose!" Quinn interrupted Dan's speech, crossing her arms in disgust.

"Fine, I will go to the watering hole and wash this outfit." Dan told her, annoyance heavy in his voice.

"Thank you. God, you almost made me forget to give this to you!" She shoved a note with crude writing on it into his hands. The letters were barely readable, but he could still make out "From Kelvin" on the front of the letter.

"Who the hell is Kelvin?" Dan asked, scratching his head briefly.

"It's the man you helped the other day, did you not even exchange names!?" Quinn demanded, throwing her hands out incredulously.

Dan just replied, devoid of emotion, "It was not needed to help him."

Quinn, in shock just started scolding loudly. "God, we need to work on your social skills, just open the letter..."

Dan sighed, pulling out his new dog tooth knife and cutting it open. He unfolded a very poorly written letter, barely legible, reading:


The only other advice I can give beyond “copy into a word document and check your punctuation” is to read other people’s work. See how they paint scenery, use actions and facial expressions to show, rather than tell, what’s happening. When something reads like a play script, you’re not giving any meat to the bare bones of a story. It’s boring, forgettable, and wholly dry and flavorless. You have some interesting concepts that are left high and dry through this lack of showing. Keep at it, don’t be afraid to have other people read over things (a second pair of eyes is invaluable, and you’ll get some feedback along with corrections), and please, for the love of God, break up the paragraphs. The massive blobs of text are very difficult to follow and hard on the eyes.

Quote:
 

Empty Jet Inhaler x3- Junk, really, but it’s possible you could trade these to the right person for something slightly less worthless.

x1 small hide- Odd that Dan received this without even being hired for a job, but money’s money, don’t spit on it.
Spike, level 5 (Hardcore Mode)
S:4 P:9(-1) E:7 C:2 I:4(-1) A:10(+1) L:5
Perks
Finesse | Small Frame | Chem Reliant
Equipment:
Switchblade | Rudimentary revolver | x5 Throwing Knives (GC) | Scary Terry Knife Gauntlet
Armor:
Duster coat (Poor Condition)
Reputation
Bucket Town (-30)
Claw (Companion)
S:2 P:7 E:9 C:3 I:9 A:8 L:2
Perks
Jinxed | Hunter| Marksman
Equipment
Junk flinger | Kitchen knife (Poor Condition)
Armor
Desert Clothing (Poor Condition)
Nicholas Stahley, level 1
S.4 P.8 E.3 C.6 I.8 A.4 L.7
Perks
Improv Artist | Perfectionist | Fast Learner
Equipment
Homemade Shotgun | Zip Gun
Armor
Dirty Pre-war Clothes
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