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Puppies and Posses; solo, tag with BlueCollins
Topic Started: Sep 26 2017, 04:52 PM (442 Views)
Everqueen944
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Wastelander
[ *  *  *  * ]
"Momma told me to." Mathew said quietly.

The young man pulled the bandana down as well as the goggles. He refused to make eye contact with either of them.

"The last thing she ever said to me was run. They were gonna string me up, let the whole town see. Daddy died to protect the town and momma had his gun and shot the man holding the rope. I can't go against my momma."
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_wastes/inde...?showtopic=2708
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Blue Collins
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Head raider
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Everqueen944,Oct 2 2017
03:08 AM
"Momma told me to." Mathew said quietly.

The young man pulled the bandana down as well as the goggles. He refused to make eye contact with either of them.

"The last thing she ever said to me was run. They were gonna string me up, let the whole town see. Daddy died to protect the town and momma had his gun and shot the man holding the rope. I can't go against my momma."

"Then keep running," Flame said, "but wait till you are well."
Endymion 'Endy' Soap - Level 1

Flame Collins - Temporarily Seperate from Blue - Level 3

Shintaro Kanzaki - Level 1
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Everqueen944
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Wastelander
[ *  *  *  * ]
"I've...always wanted to stop. Why do you want to be a friend to a monster?"
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_wastes/inde...?showtopic=2708
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Blue Collins
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[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Everqueen944,Oct 2 2017
09:33 AM
"I've...always wanted to stop. Why do you want to be a friend to a monster?"

Flame said; "It's the post-apocalypse. Most people here have a monstrous side."

Blue added, "So please shut up already and accept our help. A stand needs to be made."
Endymion 'Endy' Soap - Level 1

Flame Collins - Temporarily Seperate from Blue - Level 3

Shintaro Kanzaki - Level 1
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Everqueen944
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Wastelander
[ *  *  *  * ]
"I....I suppose."
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_wastes/inde...?showtopic=2708
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Blue Collins
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Everqueen944,Oct 2 2017
11:20 AM
"I....I suppose."

Flame smiled, and extended a hand.

Blue smiled as well, and walked over to extend his own hand for Matthew to take.
Endymion 'Endy' Soap - Level 1

Flame Collins - Temporarily Seperate from Blue - Level 3

Shintaro Kanzaki - Level 1
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Everqueen944
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Wastelander
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He weakly reached out for it, as if expecting it to bite him.
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_wastes/inde...?showtopic=2708
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Blue Collins
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Everqueen944,Oct 2 2017
12:25 PM
He weakly reached out for it, as if expecting it to bite him.

Both Blue and Flame smiled.
Endymion 'Endy' Soap - Level 1

Flame Collins - Temporarily Seperate from Blue - Level 3

Shintaro Kanzaki - Level 1
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Everqueen944
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Wastelander
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He shakily shook hands.
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_wastes/inde...?showtopic=2708
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Blue Collins
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((OOC Note: This occurred before the BT Council imposed new regulations on the carrying of large weapons and assembling more than a few people.))
Endymion 'Endy' Soap - Level 1

Flame Collins - Temporarily Seperate from Blue - Level 3

Shintaro Kanzaki - Level 1
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TheTyrantOfTyrus
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What is YOUR meat agenda?
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Critique

I will make this critique focusing mostly on EQ, as a lot of what I found iffy in Blues writing has been brought up in my Endy critique.

There was a lot of potential here and there were many ways this could've turned out. When I first heard you guys were pairing I thought you two would be energetic writers. In my humble opinion, maybe you were too energetic, If I recall correctly you both posted rather rapidly during the rp. Which has a drawback in that you tended to make quick, short posts of no note. I would suggest that as writers, you should take the time to slow down, read and process, and think of an interesting way to engage in a situation.

Matthew and Bones didn't do that much in this rp. They didn't even talk that much aside from establishing their character. I'm not saying they have to do amazing fantastic things all the time, but when you post a handful of sentences and it confuses me because I don't know what's happening or what some of the characters are doing, I think you'd need to reassess what you need to write. Matthew is a passive character in this do, furthermore, it's not even clear what happens. Have you noticed that you never once said that a guardsmen strikes Matthew? You never established that.

Additionally there were several grammar mistakes. Missing quotation marks. Missing apostrophes, the usual. Which isn't really concerning me, but what does concern me is the weird parts of the rp where Matthew/Bones doesn't seem to notice that the dogs were right near him. Then when Blue and Flame points it out, he suddenly sees them. Is that a communication problem, a reading problem? I dont quite know. I also noticed that it's hard to tell when bones is saying something out loud or in his head so when Bones and Matthew start talking to Blues it blends into a mess where I can tell Bones from his voice but not from anything else. Please try to make it more clear? I mean, in character, does Matthew and Bones use different ways of speaking. Does Bones sound gruffer? How does that work?

But I think these are all a symptom of this being really rushed and having no creative push in it. You set up a problem it's fixed relatively quickly and there's no playing there's no new ideas or conflicts for Matthew to do. Blue and Flame get combat and they struggle to find drugs , but Matthew doesn't really do much.

My advice is to slow down and start to think of really interesting turns and directions in your next rp.


Reward Music:




For the Cousins
 

-25 Bucket Town Rep - Well, Roy wasn't exactly pleased with what happened that day. Defending a man from being beaten to death on the streets is one thing, shooting a fleeing man in the back and having a gang of no-goodniks pummel and stab another to death is not good, not one bit. Roy can't exactly revive the dead and now he only has one story to this case.

.357 Single Action Revolver (Homemade Revolver, T1, GC) - The revolver which you plundered off the man Flame shot in the back. You can see etchings on the wooden accents on the handle: Just Married, Dennis and Lily-ann. Eh. He had it coming.

Torch x1 - See Chems for more info




For Matthew and Bones
 

Nuka - A pug-mixed mutt in the nascent stages of life. Nuka seems to be slow and sturdy but loyal and strong, always pacing and never giving ground. The makings of a great guard dog and companion. While you've only known him for a short time, you can see the fires of hate and ambition in it's eyes. Or maybe they're just hungry.

Cola - A Beagle-mixed mutt barely out of infancy. She takes a liking to bossing around animals and appears to have the instincts of a good herd dog, if a tad independent. Yet something behind those adorable eyes speaks volumes of wisdom beyond years. Of maybe they're just hungry.

Bloody Baseball Bat (Tier 1, BC) - Loot plundered from the corpse of your foes. Bad news, some of that blood is yours. Good news, most of the brains on the bat aren't.
Marshel Vic HC
7 4 8 6 6 4 5

Aryanna Leatherback
9 2 7 2 4 8 5

Charlie Klams
5 4 5 6 8 8 3
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