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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 12 2016, 12:41 PM (166 Views) | |
| TonyTheFish | Dec 12 2016, 12:41 PM Post #1 |
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Wastelander
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It was an hour into the journey and the traders already wanted to kill Dominic. There were three of them, Alexander who hated Jay, Timothy who hated Jay and Jay, who taught Dom a new song he now refused to stop singing. It had been fun for the first 10 minutes, Dom was learning it, they were thanking him and laughing. In another 10 minutes, Dom had forgotten the words and started making them up, often with humming or words that did not technically exist. The next 40 minutes had been filled with variations of this song, none of them had gotten up the courage or heart to tell the simple man he could not sing. Dom was quite oblivious to the whole mood he was setting, but he had always(albeit ironically) embraced the notion of ignorance is bliss. "In acanyaa, in acanyaa, Escayanya for mine Smelt a finer breakfast diner, And a bowl of purple limes." A groan went up from the traders behind him as Dom started the verses again, which he took as an encouraging but tired cry for him to keep going. He smiled, taking a sloppy drink of water that went all down his coat and breathed in heavily. He was leading the group despite being the only one not knowing where he was going, he had found a map before and had looked at it like he understood the lines. Nodding, grunting and finally folding it (with the traders help) and putting it away, then immediately walking the wrong way, they called him back, he stopped, then turned and nodded again. For a reason he did not know they had stayed behind him since, and he was too busy trying to remember the words to the song to realise they had been walking on a straight route. Several hours past and he still sung. "Oh minotaur, oh my big door, Oh my duckling, clean and shines! Though lost and something else there Whoopsie daisy, purple lime." The traders laughed, though it made less than no sense it was the first verse Dom had invented so far that actually had real words. They kept his waterskin full somehow, it was actually from passing lakes and a few traders they had passed on the way. However, Dom had been too busy singing and had missed every single one of them, meaning they had to run after him every time to catch up. What Dom did not know was they kept close behind him with the guns so if they were attacked they would go for the first and biggest guy they could see. When they stopped for the last time that day, Dom had stopped at the edge of a broken bridge. The only way across was to go back, down to the riverbank, cross it and go up the other side. But all he could see was the path stopping, his brain working overtime to figure out how to get across. He had been pushing cars over the edge to try and fill the gap by the time the traders caught up and immediately fell over laughing. His shield, knuckles and hand cannon were leaning against the railing and he was still singing while he worked. "Like she was a tiny fairy" "Dom" "n'nd her shoe was bloopy blime" "Dom!" "Hearing foxes, in their boxes" "Dominic!" "Sand all on my purple lime" His last line trailed off as he stopped pushing and turned around so fast he fell over, leaning back on the car he had on the edge. It slowly tipped over faster than the traders could dart forwards, Jay grazing his hand but Dom's flailing ham hands knocked it aside. His back support gone, Dom rolled over backwards, right off of the edge. All of the traders yelled, their protection had just disappeared off the edge, and a muscle bound moron with broken legs was even more useless than before. Alex and Tim darted forwards, grabbing an arm each while Jay backed up, his feet peddling quickly to stop himself going over as well. But Dom's muscle made him far too heavy for just the two of them, as they got closer to the end they couldn't help it, they laughed. They looked at eachother and relaxed, then looked back at Jay and winked, letting go of Dom's hand, he screamed as he fell, and none of them heard him hit the bottom. "Oh Madonna, oh filonna, Oh my darlin, purple lime! You are shiny and all limey Mr Limey, purple lime. " Jay approached the edge confused as to how Dom had not only survived the fall, but was able to sing as though...as though he were only a few feet below the bridge. Alex and Tim laughed as he looked down, Dom's feet had been brushing the top of the pile of cars he had made, and was now sitting on the bonnet of the top one smiling up at them. His boots banged against the edge of the car and each hit made the car move a little further backwards. If it fell then the whole pile of four cars would tip over and crash into the jagged metal cables coming out of the other side of the bridge. The traders respite was short lived, and now they started panicking again. Jay lay down on the edge and got as close to Dom as he could before speaking, Alex and Tim sprinted back the way they came to get down to the cars. "Dom stop kicking" "Hm?" "Stop. Kicking." "Oh-" Dom looked down and held his legs by the knees, then looked up. "-Like that?" "Yes! Now stay still!" "Stay still. Yes. I am staying still." "Good Dominic, now stay there, keep looking at me." "I am looking at you." "Good Dom, good dom, ok now, Alex and Tim are coming round now, they will help you down, just, just keep singing your song and they will help you soon." "My song? Yes...um, limey limey lime lime...um...Jay?" "Yea-" Jay came back over the edge, having stood up quickly to check where the other two were. "-Yeah I am here Dominic, are you ok?" "Yeah...Jay...Um" "What's wrong, what's a matter? You can tell me, are the cars moving again?" "No..Sorry, I forgot the song" "Oh Dom, that's ok here sing with m-" "No no! No don't!" Tim and Alex came sprinting down to the cars, shooting glares up at Jay who had almost started the song again. It was starting to get dark and then it would be a lot harder to get him down, so they needed to resolve this quickly. Dom now looked down at Alex, watching him walk around the cars and touch random parts. Maybe he wanted to join him up here, it was nice up here, he doubted any of the mean things in the area could reach him up here. Jay went to grab Dom's shield and hand cannon, dropping the hand cannon and knuckles down to Tim, but changing his mind with the shield. Ran over to Dom and coughed, Dom looked up and accepted the shield passed to him. "Thanks...Uh...Wha?" "Use it to slide down the cars Dominic" "You crazy sonofabitch, that the stupidest, most ridiculous idea that...that might just work. Damn." Tim came around next to Alex and they backed up together, Jay was not sure which one of them looked more concerned, but he knew they only cared if their precious protection was compromised. It was not like they actually cared what happened to Dom as a person. He knew their plan. He was not happy with it. But he had grown to care about the big guy...kinda. He cared enough to wince as Dom tucked the shield under him and started rocking forwards. The cars screeched in complaint with the shifting weight and slid backwards as he tilted forwards. "NOW DOM! SLIDE NOW!" Jay screamed as the first car fell off, but Dom was already moving, sliding down the cars as they slid backwards under his weight and the counterweight of the car above them. "Weeeeeeeeeee!" Dom cheered as he picked up speed, but he was too busy having fun to realise the danger behind, and in front of him. It was too late for anyone to stop, they just stayed where they were, unable to help as he hit the floor. The shield stopped, the falling cars stopped, their breathing stopped. Dom did not. Catapulted forwards, his arms wrenched forwards, hands trapped in the handles bent the metal as he slipped out. Unable to get his arms in front of him in time, they were even slower than before due to the aching muscles. Dom landed face first at high speed into the hard packed earth, just as his hands came in front of his hips. His left hand was still slightly curled, the finger crumpling in front of him and taking most of the impact, jarring his arm and crushing all four of his fingers, snapping three of them in half. His right arm came next, palm splayed and stopped his head cracking into a rock, but he still hit his head on it, splitting the skin and causing blood to trickle quickly down his face. Tim and Alex shook themselves out of shock when he came to a rest unmoving on the riverbank, blood all over his face and left hand fingers bent in ways they definitely were not meant to be. They checked his pulse, and holding a piece of glass from a car wing mirror under his nose allowed them to relax upon seeing the condensation gather there. Jay came down just as they were cleaning the wound on his head, scrambling down and picking up the hand cannon and knuckles. He looked frantic, garbling his words and gesturing back up the slope, his concentration on Dom and what they were doing. He was brought back to the present when Tim stood and slapped his face, Alex grabbed one of Doms arms, slinging his gun over his back and lifting Dom with a groan. "Help me goddammit" "Jay has something to say when he finally catches his breath, take your time Jay, we have all day." Tim assured. "We don't" Alex murmured. "What do you mean?" "Things, movement, they, must, have, heard." Jay gestured at the cars, Tim cursed, looking up the slope at the dark creatures that were moving swiftly down towards them. "Fuck" They all said in unison. Jay grabbed the knuckles and heaved up the shield, Tim grabbing Doms other arm and between them they lifted him, dragging his legs behind them. At the top of the slope was a ridge on the left and the bridge on the right, if they got to the top they could push a car over and buy a few minutes. Jay moved quickly in front of them, getting to the top and continuing out of sight, clanking could be heard. "Damn it Jay don't leave us with these bastards" They could hear the clacking from behind them now, followed by splashing, they were not going to make it, those things were right behind them. A blinding light made both traders hauling Dom to wince, Jay moving along the bridge above them and firing at what was chasing them. Angry growls could be heard below the loud gunfire, whatever was chasing them was not deterred by their fellow creatures falling beside them. Creatures of the wastes were determined and hungry, the traders knew this but they could not stop here, and something stopped them just leaving Dom to them. But they both thought it. The shooting gave them the time to get up there, just going past the top when Alex yelled out, he paused for a second. Tim kept moving, but stumbled backwards when Dom had stopped, looking past him to Alex, and the stinger protruding out of his chest. Alex coughed up blood, looking down and his eyes rolled back as he went into shock. Then he was gone, pulled backwards into the horde of creatures behind them. Tim was frozen with fear, Jay was not a little bitch. Running over while keeping up the fire he grabbed the arm Alex had left, pulling them both up over the top. Dom stirred as they got over the top, resting him on the ridge wall and both going over to a car to start pushing it. But both of them together was not enough, Dom could see that. He giggled, the head wound making him feel silly. He was not silly, they were silly, silly little people thinking they had Dom strength. Dom was strong. Dom would show silly men that Dom was strong. He had not really clocked onto the creatures coming up on his right, he just saw a car that needed pushing, and he did so love being strong. Strong Dom people would call him, it was a fun thing to say, Strong Dom, Strong Dom, Strong Dom. "What?" Dom had been speaking out loud. "Ignore the idiot and push" "Fine." "DOM STRONG" Dom stepped up to them, having walked over without thinking about it, staggering from side to side. "DOM STRONGER THAN LITTLE MEN" "Dom just sit down" "NO! DOM STRONG, LITTLE MEN LET DOM BE STRONG" He moved in between them, his shoulders pushing them out of the way, the clacking got nearer again as the creatures finished with Alex. The car immediately shifted, Dom screaming as pressure was put onto his left hand but kept pushing. The raiders picked up their guns, standing a little behind where the car was slowly moving towards and shooting down the slope to buy time. Dom pushed with all the strength he could, having figured out by now that although his right hand stung, it did not have weird fingers like his left one. He had never broken fingers before so he had no idea why they hurt so much, but pain was something that the simplest of folk could understand. His head strained, blood pouring down in front of his eyes, the car nearly in place but the traders kept shooting, they both swore as they saw the condition he was in. The car banged into place, the traders grabbing Dom, Jay grabbing his shield and knuckles, Tim grabbing his hand cannon and they all managed to quickly walk away. "Ehehehe, that was fun" "Jesus Christ Dom look at you" "Look at me? Yes! Look at me! Dom strong, told you Dom was strong." "Yeah but...damn Dominic. You have balls man, balls like I ain't ever seen." "Dom has the strongest balls" He smiled goofily through the blood, giving him a demented look, and the traders could not help it, they laughed. Their laugh was met with growls from the distance behind them, and they stopped quickly, then walked faster. When they all got far enough away it was basically night time and definitely not safe to travel, they could walk into anything and not know until they had a leg missing. They found a deserted bus, checking it first for ghouls or whatever else could be lurking inside, the doors still worked to some degrees but most of the windows were smashed out and sharp, so they snapped the backs of the chairs and formed makeshift beds down the centre. Dom just looked the whole time while Jay made noises inside, every so often he would swear and Dom would look guiltily at Tim. But Tim was too busy cleaning Dom's head, mopping up the blood and eventually ripping a bit of clean cloth from his own clothes to use as a bandage. They did not have anything to clean it nor stitch it together so they would just have to use cloth as they went. The traders knew there was not much further to go from here, about half a day at a slow walk, for Dom it seemed as though they had been walking for weeks already. His right hand was calming down, splashed with a little water and kept warm. But his left hand, his left hand made Alex uncomfortable to even touch it was in such bad condition. His ring finger to index finger was snapped towards his thumb, meaning if there were to heal the right way, he would have to-Dom screamed out loud, followed by a quick series of snapping noises. "Dom! Are you ok?" Jay ran out, gun pointed at Tim expecting the worst. But Tim just glared at his gun accusingly, worked his jaw from side to side until he lowered it. Then went back to Dom's fingers, wrapping them together to eachother with another piece of cloth. This one would not need to be replaced until BT as there was no skin pierced and would only serve to keep the fingers in place so they heal properly. He explained this to Tim while working, when finished Jay touched his shoulder, murmuring his apologies and walking back inside. Tim smiled up at Dom, telling him to rest while they sorted out the bus, but as soon as they went in, Dom heard aggressive whispering that got louder and louder. He only caught "it has to be done" from Tim, and "helped us" from Jay. But when they glanced at Dom who had been leaning forwards to hear better, he could not hear them again, and he spent the next few minutes staring at the floor feeling guilty. When they came back out, Tim was smiling, and Jay looked...sad. Almost like he had given up, Dom had seen it on a lot of people but it was always different, always people who had no hope. Dom did not need hope, Dom was strong, Dom was the hope people hoped for. This was not an original thought, it had been told to him many weeks ago and he held onto this comfort every day. When the morning broke, Dom's head had stopped spinning, the traders concluding he still had a mild concussion but they could not stay here any longer. Dom agreed, he wanted to sleep in a comfy bed tonight, somewhere nice with warm and comfy...more...more comfy. They set off early, allowing Dom to watch the sunrise as they plodded along. Every so often the traders would yell "It's ok" then fire at something. Dom had looked the first couple of times, they were just killing a ghoul under a car or creature sneaking up on them. But soon they were out of ammo, which was one of the reasons Dom never carried a weapon, so many ammo types he never knew which ones were for what gun. This meant that instead they would yell "Over there Dom!" at first they had been yelling "on your right" but quickly learned that Dom did not in fact know his left from right. Causing a couple of near misses before they changed the system to, yell for Dom, and point at what he needs to punch. And for the weak feral ghouls and occasional mole rat, this was perfectly acceptable. They made swift distance until BT was in view, and then the traders would get further and further behind him while whispering. Then Dom would have to wait for them to catch up, now he knew he was to walk towards the rising town in the distance he could walk with more confidence. He was proud he knew where he was going and pointed towards it every few minutes repeating "We are nearly there, that town there, that's where we are going", having completely forgotten they were the ones that had told him that was the right town. They ran out of water the third time Dom had to stop, and Dom was very important in the following decision to get water at BT. Although they did have to stop for twenty minutes while he made this decision, involving a lot of head scratching, which also meant his head bandage had to be replaced. The wound was still bleeding and they needed to pick up the pace to get there in time, the closer they got, the more the traders whispered to eachother. "This way Dom, trust me" Jay said as they passed through the gates. "Mmk, Dom follows, Dom trusts Jay." "What about me Dom, does Dom trust me?" Tim asked. Dom turned to him while walking "Dom trusts Tim too, Tim hurt Dom but Dom, Dom knows that was so Dom's fingers know the right way to grow, silly fingers not knowing to point upwards." Dom giggled, holding his hand in front of him. The traders both laughed, and lead the way towards a building Dom did not recognise, but for some reason the people nearby did not look at it. They looked at one side, then the other, but never at it, Dom was smart and noticed things like this. But then people stared at Dom, with dried blood all over him and Dom would smile with a blood soaked smile, people would avoid looking at him as well. This made Dom laugh as well, people were so silly sometimes, just because he was covered in blood, led by two traders dressed as raiders did not mean that they were bad people. A few people stopped and stared as they walked past, reaching the church and going down the side, Tim opened a door below it, and gestured inside. "In here Dom, we will deal with your wounds in here, just go inside quickly." "Ok, Dom will go inside." He looked at the door nervously and the small, cramped room inside. Jay put a hand on his back and led him in. "Come on in Dom, it's ok, you don't like small rooms? Its ok, come in and it will all be over soon." Dom followed him in, Dom trusted Jay. Inside the shop was a collection of weird things that Dom did not recognise, but Tim and Jay looked calm as they looked at things on the shelf. He saw them nod at eachother, then Tim grabbed Dom's hand and squeezed, Dom screeched, crying as he looked at his hand and up at Tim, too shocked to do anything but get angry. Jay pressed his gun to Dom's head, having rested the shield against the wall behind him, Jay stood right in front of the counter. Dom looked at him, letting out a cry every time Tim squeezed again. "No Jay, why Jay, Dom trusted Jay, Dom trusted Tim." "I'm sorry Dom, but you have some things we would like, that silver watch for one, those raiders took everything and we need something to start again with." "Shut up and kill him already you imbecile." "Sorry Dom" his finger went over the trigger, raising the barrel with his other hand to keep his shaking arms steady. |
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| Lothmar | Dec 12 2016, 03:42 PM Post #2 |
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Head raider
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Abraham having started his isolation recently was in a bit of a mood today. A foul feeling pinged, a hollow feeling that hit him square in the gut. Memories of Drunken mornings, sweaty sex and stupid bloody brawls and that thing he did... Back then. 'You cant just pick and choose Abe.' He thought to himself. 'You cant take the good without the bad. Not when you let the monster out.' The thought came, almost tauntingly as Abraham grasped his eye socket and forehead with his right head. After a flash of colors and sound his thoughts were clear again. 'I cant let it out, ever again.' He thought to himself with a sigh as he looked down with one eye as he was leaning into the palm of his hand. His shoe was untied. With a sigh he got off the stool and knelt under the counter. Figures that'd be the time a customer showed up. He heard the door open but he wasn't feeling chipper enough to greet them premptively. Instead he focused on the laces in front of him. As he took the laces in his hands he listened to the sounds of the conversations. He swore he heard something about a wound? 'Great, yet another group of people that dont know the Doctor moved upstairs.' He thought to himself crossing the laces slowly. By the foot steps and the voices there were at least three of them. As the first one came in and turned he took his hand away and slowly pulled the hidden bolt port aside to take a peek so he could watch them as he tied his shoes. The third one sounded big, sure enough a big guy at the end of the line. If he were not in one of his moods he might have whistled in an impressed manner. No sooner had he tugged the bows taught after hearing something big being leaned against the back wall he heard the one named Jay making his move. The poor giant was in some kind of hand lock with a gun to his head!? Shit... Abraham's hands were already moving to hold onto the loaded crossbow. He eyed the scene through the port as the big guy pleaded with Jay, telling him how he trusted him. No good. There wasn't a clean shot on the man because of the big guys size. Waddling in a crouched position he shifted over to the side under the counter and reached for a rope stealthily. Not about to bear witness to a snuff film Abraham grabbed the cord firmly and as he tugged it down to pull it free he let it go and then shifted his hands to his weapon. As he stood up from his crouched position he yelled "DOM DUCK!" Time slowed down at that very moment and he could feel their eyes shifting over along with their chins to the merchant springing up from behind the counter. Instead of aiming for Jay Abrahams hands began to shift his weapon over towards Tim who looked surprised by this action, albeit as slow as it was in this moment of clarity. Things in this moment were strange to the point he couldn't understand what Jay had begun to say as the weapon shifted away from Doms head and towards Abraham as he used Doms shoulder to brace his shot. He would have probably had Abraham too if the rope was not getting pulled up the track along the wall giving slack to the broken bottles on the cieling that began tumbling down. Thankfully Dom getting pushed forward and being held where he was put him mostly out of the impact area of the falling bottles, though a few of the shattering fragments might have headed his way. One clipped him in the shoulder of his fun hand, but the one that seemed to be really effective was the one that dropped smack onto the top of his head. This blow had thrown Jay off enough that he pulled high as he shot and the shot wizzed well over Abrahams head and towards the back wall. He hoped that Dom guy wouldn't end up Deaf from that. The last bottle missed its target and simply joined the field of shattered glass on the ground next to Jay and blocking the exit unless you could jump it. Abraham was a sniper, he preferred to have range on his target - he also didn't like shooting people but honestly with his current mood he was ready to cut loose a little and take out his aggression on something. At this range, surely there was no way he could miss. With a click he released the braced crossbows glass bolt to fly. As the glass bolt cleared the weapon and began to traverse the distance between them his hand was already shifting to grab another bolt as Abraham pivoted his footing and then dashed behind the full fencing portion of the wall to take cover from retaliation as he reloaded. He just barely caught out of the corner of his eye the sight of the bolt reaching its target. The raider armor Tim was wearing had an open neck and no helmet. As Tim tim saw the bolt coming he attempted to lean backwards to avoid the bolt that would have probably been half effective on against his chest leather. However the curve was enough for the bolt to still hit and richotte ever so slightly up as it shattered. The bits of glass flew like an exploding round of bird shot across his neck and face. It wasn't necessarily a fatal blow, but he had been bloodied and perhaps that was enough for him to take advantage. 'I could really use Isaac right about now.' A thought came to him as the sudden feeling of speed wore off and he watched his hands working to set up another bolt in case it was needed. ( Glass Bolts - Awful at penetrating armor, but like a hollow point round to anyone dumb enough to stand in front of one of these without a metal plate under his duster. ) |
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Reputation +150 Reputation with Bossman Briar's Farm! +00*? (Depends on outcome of drama) Bucket town Rep Lvl2 I.S.4.C. - The handy dandy food o matic! S. p. e. c. i. a. l ; Level 1 6, 8+1, 6, 4, 6, 6, 5 Tool Appendages (weapons) - Kitchen Knife, Spatula, Microwave/oven safe tray. Armor: Upgraded Scrap shell (Tin Can breastplate - Poor Quality Tier 2) ========= Lvl3Abraham - New merchant and IS4C's manager. S. p. e. c. i. a. l ; level 1 4, 6, 4, 8, 6, 6, 6 (Local celebrity +2 BT charisma = 10) Weapon: Junk flinger T1 (GC), Fold-able Straight razor (switch blade - T1), Armor: Packrats clothing (T1) + traveling coat (Tier One (GC) Desert Clothing) ===== Moleman and Chompy (coming soon) | |
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| TonyTheFish | Dec 12 2016, 05:17 PM Post #3 |
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Wastelander
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Dom ducked as soon as the shooting started, glass shattering all around, he got pushed side to side and just hoped that he would not get hit. Glass, he knew, was sharp, and could get under your skin and make you really uncomfortable. Luckily this time he was wearing his boots so he would not have to hop for another week until it fell out on its own. He felt it hit his back and rain down on his duster, most of it falling off and making a circle around him, as soon as the fighting died down and his ears stopped ringing, he stood up. Straightening his back first so the glass ran down off of it and shaking his body, he was angry now, he did not know what had happened but he was really angry now. He had ducked when someone yelled duck, there had been loud noises, glass and now cometh the Dom. First up, Jay stopped stumbling around and looked back at Dom, raising his gun to take him out before Dom could move. But although concussed, Dom was faster. His fist shooting up, slamming the gun down into Jays knee then bringing it back up again to smack his face. Jay hopped into him with probably a cracked knee and broken nose, Dom snapped his head back with another punch then head-butting his forehead. He immediately regretted this decision, Jay fell like a sack of potatoes and Doms head split open again. Blood spurted out of the bandage, his hand going to his head and knocking off the bandage. The headbutt had opened the wound again and for the second time in as many days, his face was covered in blood. His vision now impaired he turned around to try and find Tim before he realised what was happening. Dom was not sure what had happened to Tim but he could not see, so when he found a person standing next to him and shoved him headfirst into the wall, he was really hoping it was not the guy who had helped him. Whoever it was bounced off the wall, something he assumed was the head hit Dom's knee, he raised his knee sharply and he heard a snap which could have been anything. He stood still for a second, raising each limb to make sure he was ok and there were no sharp pains like glass. Luckily, there was not, he was ok. Apart from the gushing head wound and broken hand of course. He stood there panting, breathing heavily, the coppery blood getting into his mouth and up his nose, when calm he held his left hand out. "Can I have a cloth please sir? I cannot see" he frowned, waiting there for him to come. He was starting to feel a little faint, his body slumping, he leaned forwards to the counter, his hands grasping for it and slumping heavily on top. |
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| Lothmar | Dec 12 2016, 06:14 PM Post #4 |
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Head raider
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Abraham could hear the smash and thud on blows and the whoomp of bodies hitting eachother and the floor as he reloaded. By the time he had pulled back the bar on the security door and flung it aside to step into the entryway to fire again if necessary he was just in time to bear witness to Dom slamming Tim into the wall. The two aggressors seemed motionless, or at the very least not like they were getting up anytime soon. "Damn." Abraham added eyeing the scene as he passed the junk flinger over onto the counter and then hurried over to grab his emergency stablization kit out from storage. He then moved quickly over to the sink to grab a bottle of water and his bar of soap. As he wet his hands and started getting his hands clean he heard "Can I have a cloth please sir? I cannot see" come from the other side. "Help is on the way~" He added wiping his hand on the towel as he hurried back to the doorway. "Ouch, looks like a bad cut." Abraham added approaching him from the side. "Come inside and lay down, cant have you lay down out here while I treat that with glass on the floor." He added attempting to bring Dom inside. "Is there anything in the wound before I apply pressure?" Abraham added attempting to bring Dom down to the floor slowly as he opened his kit to get out some clean cloth to start to treat his injuries. "We'll need to hold that for at least fifteen minutes." He added if he didn't have to remove anything. "Ill keep count, there you go. Just keep that pressed down. You're doing good." Abraham added attempting to keep the man calm and relaxed. The man was looking dizzy, weak, light headed, had trouble standing, he may even slip into unconsciousness at which point Abraham had to be worried about shock. He'd have to try and move him by hand at that point up to Maria to treat him from there if the bleeding didn't slow itself. "Lets keep talking, you gotta stay awake. Can you tell me about yourself?" Abraham added grabbing for a timer off his bed stand as he set it for 16 minutes overshooting his target slightly in a hurry. He readied new gauze as it was needed if the previous cloth got too damp and would apply it over top. He uncorked his personal canteen and put a little water on his hand. "Im just gonna clean your face, dont mine me. Keep going." Abraham added attempting to listen to Dom and keep tending to him properly. |
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Reputation +150 Reputation with Bossman Briar's Farm! +00*? (Depends on outcome of drama) Bucket town Rep Lvl2 I.S.4.C. - The handy dandy food o matic! S. p. e. c. i. a. l ; Level 1 6, 8+1, 6, 4, 6, 6, 5 Tool Appendages (weapons) - Kitchen Knife, Spatula, Microwave/oven safe tray. Armor: Upgraded Scrap shell (Tin Can breastplate - Poor Quality Tier 2) ========= Lvl3Abraham - New merchant and IS4C's manager. S. p. e. c. i. a. l ; level 1 4, 6, 4, 8, 6, 6, 6 (Local celebrity +2 BT charisma = 10) Weapon: Junk flinger T1 (GC), Fold-able Straight razor (switch blade - T1), Armor: Packrats clothing (T1) + traveling coat (Tier One (GC) Desert Clothing) ===== Moleman and Chompy (coming soon) | |
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| TonyTheFish | Dec 14 2016, 01:25 PM Post #5 |
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Wastelander
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Dom's head felt like that time he ate too many noodles in a row and his head went fuzzy. But this was with more sleepiness in it. Kind of a fuzzy sleepiness that just made him want to-ooooo-oooooo..... His legs threatened to collapse from underneath him, his body lurching violently to the side and he hit the wall away from the man cleaning his face. Glass under his feet as his boots skidded across the floor, losing control completely and pressing himself hard against a shelf. "My...mimam...minamnnamdmm-" he murmured, trying his best to say his name but his blood loss and shock from his hand being squeezed coming back and causing him to speak incoherently. "-Mnamdm..Dmm-" he looked up at the man through closing eyes and took his time, mouthing the word before finally getting it out. "-Dmmmmmom, dmmmmmm, dommmmmmmmmmmmmm-" slumping forwards onto the man as his strength nearly all left him. Without treatment soon this could be the end of Dom. Most of his possessions were in his pockets apart from his knuckles, hand cannon and shield which were around the store having been taken by the raiders to leave him defenceless when they sprung the trap. He did not have the strength nor the mental ability to think about them right now, instead was trying to gain control of his shaking legs and would have to walk wherever he was led. |
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| Lothmar | Dec 14 2016, 02:25 PM Post #6 |
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Head raider
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"Dmmm, Oh dom! That's a nice name~" He added with a bit of nervous laughter feeling the red on his hand. Why wasn't it stopping??? 'More bandages, more pressure.' He thought as the layer started to soak through. 'Please stop… Please don’t die on me here… Not alone... Im the one that deserves this.' "Why couldn't it have been me?" Abraham muttered under his breath. NO! Not today~ he thought stripping off his belt. He lashed the belt around Doms gauze and chin to keep it in place. "Here we go Dom, upsie daisy~ that's right." Abraham added trying to lift the man from behind by grabbing him under his pits. 'Oh god' he thought as the warm wet muscle of the man pressed in around his forearms covering them in fresh pitt runoff. He couldn't focus on that, now was not the time. "Dammit dammit~" Abraham added trying to escort the injured dom through the shop and out the door as he shuffled his feet across the ground so as not to risk stepping on a shard of glass. Dom had been unable to assist him properly so he simply pulled the man as his ankles dragged. As the door opened he went up the stairs, every step was a clunk clunk clunk as Doms boots smacked against the stairs. Reaching the top Abraham exhaled and took deep breaths for five second before gritting his teeth and continuing, knowing that if he stopped there he would not have been able to continue. "Almost there dom, Maria will help you. That womans an angel, you'll go to sleep and it'll be like you're in heaven. Just stay with me till then ok? Dom? DOM!?" He added yelling like some kind of spy while ramming the main door with his back. "Im sorry im back, sorry~ fucking robbers tried to execute a man in my store." Abraham added walking backwards through the aisle. "He's losing blood fast, he's close to losing consciousness and has lost strength to carry himself. Where do you want him?" Abraham added as if to say that putting aside whatever beef maria might of had with them was more important when a mans life was on the line. |
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Reputation +150 Reputation with Bossman Briar's Farm! +00*? (Depends on outcome of drama) Bucket town Rep Lvl2 I.S.4.C. - The handy dandy food o matic! S. p. e. c. i. a. l ; Level 1 6, 8+1, 6, 4, 6, 6, 5 Tool Appendages (weapons) - Kitchen Knife, Spatula, Microwave/oven safe tray. Armor: Upgraded Scrap shell (Tin Can breastplate - Poor Quality Tier 2) ========= Lvl3Abraham - New merchant and IS4C's manager. S. p. e. c. i. a. l ; level 1 4, 6, 4, 8, 6, 6, 6 (Local celebrity +2 BT charisma = 10) Weapon: Junk flinger T1 (GC), Fold-able Straight razor (switch blade - T1), Armor: Packrats clothing (T1) + traveling coat (Tier One (GC) Desert Clothing) ===== Moleman and Chompy (coming soon) | |
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| Lothmar | Dec 14 2016, 03:02 PM Post #7 |
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Head raider
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After getting Dom where he needed to go Maria kicked him out of the church post haste. She was still upset about event but damn, was Abraham bringing in the business. I mean~ helping the good people of the town without asking for compensation. Yeah... Abraham sighed wiping his brow outside of the church. He eyes someone a little down the way. "Hey bud, can you spare a cig?" He added. "Rough night?" The guy added after looking him over. "Fine, just one." He added taking out one from his pack and lighting it by the tip of his own before passing it off to Abraham. "Thanks man." Abraham added taking a drag. 'God I hate myself for this.' He thought as he smoked the whole thing and then bid the kind stranger a good morning as he returned to his shop. The two raiders were still there, he checked and they had pulses but were just unconscious thankfully. "Time to clean up." Abraham added getting a broom to sweep the waiting room. Abraham turned the waiting area into an injury ward and laid the two out there. The emergency care between the two took about an hour but they would live. Though they'd definitely be in pain for awhile, if not suffer from something else.Now that the two were patched up he scrubbed the blood clean from the room as best he could with soap and water and used some bleach on the largest stains. He then hauled in Doms equipment and wrote up a slip to indicate that it belonged to that man in case he returned to claim it. IF not it would likely be donated to the town guard to be refurbished or whatnot if it couldn't fetch much of worth at shop. He made sure to include a lower portion to the note that if he did not return, to bring the man some sort of token payment for the goods out of supplies if he could be found. Abraham reset the bottle rope trap and then saw that the can bell had been damaged at some point, so he fashioned a new one so that it would 'clunk' when hit by the door and clunk a few more times when the door was opened enough for it to slip through ; and when the door closed it did a similar thing and clunked when hit and was pulled back to its side and clunked a few more times after getting free and smacking the door. After a break to whip himself up a breakfast of tomato soup with a side of molerat bacon and a tortilla Abraham had no further excuses… Well after the dishes anyway. He locked up the security wall through a secret means he and Isaac knew about in case no one was inside or it accidentally locked. He then proceeded to haul the two bandits outside and take em to jail. Hopefully nothing would interfere with him reaching justice. |
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Reputation +150 Reputation with Bossman Briar's Farm! +00*? (Depends on outcome of drama) Bucket town Rep Lvl2 I.S.4.C. - The handy dandy food o matic! S. p. e. c. i. a. l ; Level 1 6, 8+1, 6, 4, 6, 6, 5 Tool Appendages (weapons) - Kitchen Knife, Spatula, Microwave/oven safe tray. Armor: Upgraded Scrap shell (Tin Can breastplate - Poor Quality Tier 2) ========= Lvl3Abraham - New merchant and IS4C's manager. S. p. e. c. i. a. l ; level 1 4, 6, 4, 8, 6, 6, 6 (Local celebrity +2 BT charisma = 10) Weapon: Junk flinger T1 (GC), Fold-able Straight razor (switch blade - T1), Armor: Packrats clothing (T1) + traveling coat (Tier One (GC) Desert Clothing) ===== Moleman and Chompy (coming soon) | |
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| azstarael | Dec 16 2016, 07:27 AM Post #8 |
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"Got a light?"
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All right, boys. Let’s hash this sucker out so we can focus on the upcoming/ongoing shenanigans. This is going to be a 3-part grade, this one and another for each of you, as there are some very different issues to address. You’re both fairly proficient writers, so I’m not pulling any punches. With that being said, let’s start with a review of the story as a whole. You two worked well together, playing off each other’s setups nicely, there weren’t any inconsistencies in the events, which can be hard to pull off. But first: “Each other” is two words. “Eachother” is a typo. The traveling was well-done, Khal. I was pleasantly surprised by how you pulled off a sense of passing time and distance, kept things interesting, but a lot more…I can’t say subtle, that’s just not you. All the same, it was a believable string of events, good characterization throughout, and miles above your first thread. I’ll be making specific examples in your individual grade, but the traders were a really nice touch, and you did a phenomenal job with them. Your last NPCs were paper dolls, just set pieces for Dom to play off, but these guys all had personalities of their own. Actual, sympathetic, human personalities, and it made the whole thing a lot more interesting and enjoyable. The song was brilliant. The first two lines had me laughing for realsies. My favorite part of the whole thing was when one of Dom’s invented verses clicked something, and I realized “son of a bitch, he’s singing ‘Darlin’ Clementine’.” Why I found that so much funnier, I don’t know, but ya did good. More specifics later (hereafter MSL) on the bridge scene. It’s really good to see you can create conflict and tension without an entire city of ghouls or raiders q; Ok, I’ll stay professional and quit picking on you now. (Mostly.) Some of the wording was awkward, enough to make me need to re-read a couple parts to understand what was happening, but a lot of that had to do with strange narrative choices and poor or missing punctuation. MSL, but there were also a few “realism” points that I’m gonna address, mostly to do with physics and Dom’s weight. Other than that, the whole “shoving cars” thing was really funny, but Dom forgetting the song and apologizing for it was even better. I raised an eyebrow when the traders laughed at Dom going over the edge. They don’t seem like inherently bad guys, and as you said, they want a meat-shield around, so I would have expected shock and upset instead. Laughing at the antics of a mountainous half-wit? Hell, if I lived in the Wasteland, I’d laugh my ass off at Dom. At watching him die, probably not so much. MSL on the car slide, but I liked the visual a lot, once I figured it out. It was a good balance between your usual heavy-handed antics and staying completely serious. The subsequent fleeing from….whatever, got vague and hard to understand. Firstly, you specified growling, movement, creatures, but no clues at all as to what they actually were. The stinger seemed completely out of place as well. I don’t know of a single animal except a manticore that growls AND has a stinger. Before you ask, no. No manticores. After that, things get pretty dark, and I loved it. Alex’s death was nicely executed (lol). It was sudden, the “stinger sticking out of the chest” was a great visual (previous note non-withstanding). It was hard to get a good picture of the opposite riverbank, but that’s just something that’ll get easier with practice. The bit with the bus was very Steinbeck. Quite depressing, actually. Again with the characterization- it was a great way to highlight their different personalities, Jay being more empathetic and compassionate, Tim pragmatic and ‘every man for himself’, and poor Dom, completely oblivious to it all. The tone continues as they get into Bucket Town, and I like that you mentioned people giving a pair of “raiders” and a bleeding giant some very strange looks. They would, at that. Also the brief nod to the haunted church, little details like that are a lot of fun for me and I’ll always appreciate the ones I spot. The climax was quite good as well. The harpy claws started to come out when Jay seemed more interested in gabbing than shooting Dom in the head, but you made a neat, clean transition with Tim’s outrage at that exact thing. It added another nuance of sympathy to Jay, who really doesn’t want to hurt his big, dumb pal, but also recognizes the validity of the decision. One big, unforgivable issue? You said they were out of ammo. This one detail derailed your entire setup. If you’d specified something about them saving a round or two, maybe Jay loads them on his way down the stairs, it would have been wrapped up neatly. It’s a small thing, but those little details are the difference between writing something acceptable and something great. You’re up, Loth. I’m not nearly as familiar with Abraham as a character, the only other pieces I’ve read from you that didn’t deal directly with the recent uproar/slander were “High and Dry” and that one with Charlie the janitor. That being the case, I don’t know if this whole “darkness” thing has ever come up before. If it’s just you adapting to the situation, I’m totally sympathetic. Lemons, am I right? If nothing else, it’s a very ballsy way to roll with the punches. Seeing as Khal was the one in the crosshairs, it makes sense that he was dealing with most of the action. MSL, your part in things was believable for the vibe I’ve always gotten from the character; reluctant to engage in violence, but even more reluctant to see people get hurt. One thing that was definitely not so great was your choice of time buffer. I get that you needed a moment for Abraham to stay out of sight, listen to the conversation, and figure out which side to involve himself with. The fact that you chose to tie a shoe was highly disappointing. You could have been putting the final touches on junk flinger maintenance, packing a bug-out bag, even sitting at the counter doing ledgers when Abraham looks up to greet some ‘customers’. With the last option, he could have assumed they were bounty hunters or hitmen, even just run-of-the-mill raiders, dropped behind the counter to hide, and then played out the rest exactly as-is. Incapacitating both men, instead of killing one of them, was a wasted opportunity. When writing, remember that a character’s view of the world shouldn’t affect the outcome of events. Khal set you up perfectly to have the guy break his neck. To be fair, if that had happened, I would have chastised Khal for not researching just how hard it is to break an adult’s neck. Specific events and setups aside, it’s pretty ridiculously lucky that they manage to knock two men out, without killing either of them (staying unconscious more than a few minutes indicates serious brain damage; fun fact). I’m not knocking you on it this time, but in the future, if you’re dealing with a subject that you aren’t familiar with first-hand (movies and video games are NEVER acceptable references), do some fact-checking on google. The fact that Abraham just left them lying in the lobby, totally unrestrained without so much as grabbing their weapons, is a full 180 from the usual attention to detail I see from him. Honestly, I’d expected him to run right up the stairs and start screaming for the militia. I mean, there was almost a murder in his co-op, and they’re apparently very nefarious-looking. You kept referring to raider armor, so it’s to be assumed that’s what they’d be considered. Even if Abraham wouldn’t want to kill them himself, I doubt he’d risk letting them wake up to get revenge. And finally, it was good to see Dom experiencing the full effects of the last two days. He had a rough time of things, and I’m very happy to see Khal willing to explore the character’s vulnerabilities. A very similar nod to Abraham. There wasn’t mention of inner turmoil after shit hit the fan, but that’s perfectly reasonable. There was a lot going on. The flow was rudely broken, however, when he decided that breakfast was more important than two unconscious ‘raiders’ by his front door. Try not to interrupt the story when interesting events are going down with mundane tasks and details. It would have been a much more conclusive ending if you’d skipped food entirely and gone straight to hauling Jay and Tim for the sheriff’s office. |
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Spike, level 5 (Hardcore Mode) S:4 P:9(-1) E:7 C:2 I:4(-1) A:10(+1) L:5 Perks Finesse | Small Frame | Chem Reliant Equipment: Switchblade | Rudimentary revolver | x5 Throwing Knives (GC) | Scary Terry Knife Gauntlet Armor: Duster coat (Poor Condition) Reputation Bucket Town (-30) Claw (Companion) S:2 P:7 E:9 C:3 I:9 A:8 L:2 Perks Jinxed | Hunter| Marksman Equipment Junk flinger | Kitchen knife (Poor Condition) Armor Desert Clothing (Poor Condition) Nicholas Stahley, level 1 S.4 P.8 E.3 C.6 I.8 A.4 L.7 Perks Improv Artist | Perfectionist | Fast Learner Equipment Homemade Shotgun | Zip Gun Armor Dirty Pre-war Clothes | |
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| azstarael | Dec 16 2016, 07:27 AM Post #9 |
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"Got a light?"
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Khal, you’re up first, bud. Having gotten the overarching review out of the way, it’s time to pick nits. Grab the shampoo and comb. I know I already talked about it, but that song, man. It was a great opening, especially how you used it to introduce the traders. Your humor is very stereotypically dry (damn brit q; ), and you have a knack for ‘timing’ that makes the narrative lively and entertaining. I’m not going to go over every typo and missing punctuation mark, because you’re better than that. You just got lazy and didn’t want to proof-read. I know I’m kind of a weirdo in that reading my own writing is a super fun hobby, so I’m mildly sympathetic, but it’s such an important step for improving as a writer. Even if you just put it in a doc and let someone else do ‘suggestion’ mode on it, make sure it’s been read through carefully before it goes up to be read, reacted to, and get verdicts passed. Do NOT just pass it to someone and say “fix it” or you’ll have the same problems needing fixing over and over. Find where you’re weakest, make an active effort to break those habits, and you’ll have an easier time smoothing out less glaring issues. One weakness, for instance, being an entire block of dialog without a single closing punctuation mark. I have no idea what happened there, just try to make sure it doesn’t again. You also have run-on sentences fairly frequently. It’s not AS big of an issue, and I can see you’ve put more thought into your narration since the shield crafting and subsequent thread. Still something to watch out for, though. There are some nice text-to-speech programs you can download for free, some of them are pretty damn decently dictated, and it’s helpful to listen passively, find where your flow skips or lurches. As I said previously, your characterization is leaps and bounds ahead of earlier works. You used expressive faces, tonal adjectives, and body movements to help convey them as people, not mannequins, and it brought a new light to your writing. Action is well and good, and you have some vibrant ideas there too, but they never translated much past “child with action figures banging them together making punching sounds”. The interactions during the bridge and bus scenes were so much more engaging, because I actually saw people interacting, not just set pieces being pushed along. The tension between the trio in regards to Dom was another nice detail. If they’d all been indifferent to him as anything other than bait/meatshield, I would have written them off as “generic npcs 7, 8, and 9”. I also really liked the bit with the map. Again, your sense of humor and use of wording is very clever at times, and I hope you keep it up. There’s a lot of opportunity for quips with this character. You still need to work on narration and flow for certain things, I’ll show some examples and suggestions in a sec, but that’s just needing more practice, feedback, and that ever-important proof-reading. All right, those clunky bits. ‘They kept his waterskin full somehow, it was actually from passing lakes and a few traders they had passed on the way. However, Dom had been too busy singing and had missed every single one of them, meaning they had to run after him every time to catch up.’ ((Another little ‘Dom is an actual idiot’ detail that I really liked, btw.)) ‘Though they walked all day, Dom’s waterskin never went dry. He was too busy singing to realize that the traders were keeping it filled for him, stopping at any mostly-clean water sources ((other traders wouldn’t really work, though; why would they give up water for free?)) to top it off. He was so focused on his song that Dom missed every one of these pit stops, forcing the other men to run and catch up when he invariably left them behind.’ The scene with Dom going over the edge and landing on the cars was very hard to picture. This is that ‘convoluted and confusing’ visual we talked about earlier. With a few re-reads, I got a basic idea, but it was still murky in my head. First and foremost, it read as though Dom first fell backwards over the bridge, then was grabbed, when in reality it was that bleeding-heart fool Jay. With that, just be more specific about who’s interacting with who. Names are one of the few things it’s hard to overuse, especially when there’s a lot going on. As far as the rest of the bit, the mental picture was confusing, too. I find, for me, it’s easiest to pick part of the setting and wrap everything else around it. For instance- ‘The cars Dom had been so helpfully shoving off the bridge were in a precarious stack just beneath it, the man in question sitting on the bonnet of the top one.’ The rest of the scene was another great little ‘interaction’ tidbit. Again, the contrast between Jay and the other two makes a more vibrant narrative, and gives a way other than names to tell them apart. I would suggest that, in the future, you switch perspectives between your main character and any npc’s you’ve brought into the fold every now and again. It wasn’t terrible that you used an omnipresent narration to highlight individual motivations, but would have been smoother and more immersive if we’d been hearing it through someone’s inner monologue. Considering that Jay is the most fleshed-out, sympathetic one of the bunch, I would have gone through Tim. Mention his total apathy toward Dom as a person, how dumb he thinks Jay is being for getting attached to the moron, then lay out his much more selfish motivations for keeping the big guy alive. Right after this part is one of those instances where you forgot a period. There are a lot of these, so I’d like you to make your punctuation something you focus on. Even if you aren’t ending the sentence, a comma goes before the closing quotation instead. It’s an unforgivable mistake, because again, you’re so much better than this kind of sloppy oversight. The rest of that dialogue, you should have broken up with some physical movement or introspect. It was easy enough to follow, since it was just Jay and Dom, but a panicked look from Jay, a dumb grin from Dom, hand movements or inner monologue from either, would have made the conversation less wooden. A nod of approval for keeping the “Fuck Jay and his fucking song” gag alive. A little ridiculous for the situation, but being serious all the time in a literal game is just boring. If this had been a heavier, more dramatic piece, I’d suggest cutting it out. The overall tone, though, let it fit just perfectly. We talked about run-ons, but watch out for halvsies, too. “Jay went to grab Dom's shield and hand cannon, dropping the hand cannon and knuckles down to Tim, but changing his mind with the shield. Ran over to Dom and coughed, Dom looked up and accepted the shield passed to him.” “Ran over to Dom and coughed” is the problem area. You forgot your first noun, and why is Jay coughing? Did the whole two feet wind him? Did he swallow a bug? On the one hand, this is the kind of buffer I was looking for with the earlier dialogue. On the other, keep it more contextual. When there are more than two people speaking, or even in close proximity, be more specific about who’s saying what. "You crazy sonofabitch, that the stupidest, most ridiculous idea that...that might just work. Damn." I have no idea who said that. While not drastically important to the flow of the story, it does cause a halt in the narrative while the reader tries to figure it out. I said all I wanted to say about the creature chase. Next time, tell me what they are, and be consistent with the ambiance (growls, nails scratching, mandibles/claws snapping, ect). Bravo to the stinger through the chest, though. Probably the most dynamic part of the whole ordeal. The only thing that made it less than exemplary was another instance of identity confusion. “Running over while keeping up the fire he grabbed the arm Alex had left…” which sounds like Alex’s dismembered arm is just chilling in space. “The hulking arm Alex had been holding” lets us know we’re talking about Dom’s arm instead. When Dom’s little ride came to a sudden halt, everything got hard to follow again. Once I slowed down and really picked through it, the visual slowly came out, but the goal is to make your descriptions so clean and easy to follow that there’s no need for such things. This is something that, unfortunately, I can’t give any solid advice on improving. It’s just going to take practice. Nice detail using the broken glass to check if he was breathing. “Alex grabbed one of Dom’s arms, slinging his gun over his back and lifting Dom with a groan.” How? I’m guessing this is another instance of a missing detail, that Alex got him partway off the ground before realizing how useless the effort was, but you have to specify that. Right after, Alex murmurs something that should have been ‘ground out’, ‘groaned’, ‘hissed’, or any other tonal descriptor that conveys distress. ‘Murmur’ is very calm and passive. Watch your word choice. Another clunky narrative- “A blinding light made both traders hauling Dom to wince, Jay moving along the bridge above them and firing at what was chasing them.” First, ‘made both traders hauling Dom to wince’. Either nix the ‘to’, or change ‘made’ to ‘caused’. Second, what was the light? Muzzle flash? Car headlights? UFO? Deets, my friend. Give us the deets. I got a kick out of Dom’s “super concussed” inner monologue, and even more that it turned out to be less ‘inner’ than originally thought. Right after this, you have another mystery speaker. You can leave it this way, just make sure we know that Dom’s so dizzy and out of it that he himself has no clue who’s talking. Otherwise, again with that specification. The aftermath, I also liked a lot. It was kind of heavy-handed, but my dumb nerdy brain went “hoshit look at that, Khal’s using the -1 int. from his concussion to full effect!” I don’t like the third-person references, but that’s more personal opinion than critique. This next part is 100% critique. “The car banged into place, the traders grabbing Dom, Jay grabbing his shield and knuckles, Tim grabbing his hand cannon and they all managed to quickly walk away.” You missed a lot of opportunity here. In my mind, there’s a cloud of near-panic hanging over the traders; one of their team just died horribly, they’ve got a massive, injured imbecile to deal with, and a horde of…whatever, right on their tail. ‘Walking quickly’ is, again, way too casual for the tone you’ve set up to this point. Ram it home with some dragging, lurching, scurrying, stumbling, ect. “…meaning if there were to heal the right way, he would have to-Dom screamed out loud, followed by a quick series of snapping noises.” Grammatically, there should be a space after that dash. Realistically, Dom is probably going to lose some fingers. There’s a reason you want a professional to set broken bones; it’s difficult to line them up correctly in the first place when dealing with a full break, and there’s also the risk of cartilage shards causing infection or lingering injury. You’re lucky I don’t give Dom a permanent gimp hand for the lack of research, but I sympathize, because I’ve done the exact same thing to characters in the past. Plus, I guarantee I’m the only person who’s going to call out something like that. Just another fun fact. Related, though- after Tim sets those fingers, how is his jaw not broken? I get that Dom is generally not inclined toward violence. However, he just had three broken fingers set with barely more than a flinch. Even my scrawny self would clock the asshole who did that without at least giving me time to clench my teeth. The fact that Dom doesn’t know his left from right is another small detail that I’m glad to see you using. I remain impressed that you’ve managed to pull off ‘literal, actual half-wit’ for this long without completely jumping the shark. Sure, it’s come close, but everybody knows, almost doesn’t count. Also refreshing, that you kept the trouble on the road minimal, weak enemies and not very many of them. Almost to the good part, bear with me while we discuss your very first instance of over-detailing. “He felt it hit his back and rain down on his duster, most of it falling off and making a circle around him, as soon as the fighting died down and his ears stopped ringing, he stood up. Straightening his back first so the glass ran down off of it and shaking his body…” I was hesitant to include this one, after all the picking and scratching I’ve already done, but I think it’s important.The visual has a lot of potential, and will be more dynamic with some variety in the descriptors. “Shards of glass rained down, bouncing off his head and duster. Once he was sure the fighting had stopped, Dom rose shakily to his feet, more shards running from his back and shoulders, making a brittle, tinkling sound as they hit the floor.” Up until this particular example, I thought your action sequences were pretty good. Don’t take it hard when I call this next sentence an unintelligible mess. “His fist shooting up, slamming the gun down into Jays knee then bringing it back up again to smack his face. Jay hopped into him with probably a cracked knee and broken nose.” Let’s break this down. You can’t shoot a fist up and cause something else to go down without like, I dunno, a lever and pulley system. Then there’s the whole “bringing it back up to smack his face”. Bringing what? The ‘empty’ gun? The fist? Semantics aside, you changed from past to present tense, then right back again, which is, except in very specific instances, unacceptable. Now Jay is hopping into him. How his he not, after getting his knee smashed and nose broken, going down like a sack of rocks? Most humans who get a haymaker from Basically Terminator Arnold wouldn’t even have time to wonder how many teeth are left before they’re flat on their ass. Blood does not spurt from under bandages. It can seep, it can drip, in serious instances, it can even gush, but a covered wound doesn’t spurt. “He stood there panting, breathing heavily, the coppery blood getting into his mouth and up his nose, when calm he held his left hand out.” ‘Panting’ and ‘breathing heavily’ are the same thing. You’re cluttering the narrative with both. That also includes our second to last instance of poor wording; ‘when calm he held his left hand out’ either needs a comma after ‘calm’, or to be changed to ‘he calmly held’. Fairly minor, Dom’s slurring was too heavy-handed and lengthy. You can get the same idea across by using maybe a quarter of the letters you did. Make punctuation work for you instead, those ellipses and dashes especially, specify ‘slurring’ or ‘drawling’ as he speaks, and how he might ‘trail off’ or ‘pause in confusion’. Last, and probably pickiest of all, was the inventory-based conclusion. I can understand why you did it in regards to the game, but it threw a huge wrench in the flow of the story. It’s not something I’m taking into consideration for the grade, just a thing to consider in the future. All my other notes had to do with stuff I discussed in the first post. Biggest improvement- visualization and characterization. Most room for improvement- proof-reading and punctuation. Now that you’re focusing on thinking things through, instead of relying on ridiculous anime tropes and Deus Ex Machina’ing to meet your goals, there’s been a noticeable improvement to your writing overall. Nuance, forethought, three-dimensional characters, were all sorely lacking or completely absent before. This thread actually told an engaging story instead of making me sit through an Action B-Movie. You may still miss the Michael Bay style rp’ing, but I’m glad you stuck around and have taken our suggestions into consideration. Now picture it- you take all these realism and scheming abilities to a site where you can do whatever you want, and you could probably roleplay yourself into deity status. … …please don’t do that, though. I might cringe myself to death.
((It’s really up to you if you keep the injuries consistent for a few threads, but Would Recommend, For Posterity.))
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Spike, level 5 (Hardcore Mode) S:4 P:9(-1) E:7 C:2 I:4(-1) A:10(+1) L:5 Perks Finesse | Small Frame | Chem Reliant Equipment: Switchblade | Rudimentary revolver | x5 Throwing Knives (GC) | Scary Terry Knife Gauntlet Armor: Duster coat (Poor Condition) Reputation Bucket Town (-30) Claw (Companion) S:2 P:7 E:9 C:3 I:9 A:8 L:2 Perks Jinxed | Hunter| Marksman Equipment Junk flinger | Kitchen knife (Poor Condition) Armor Desert Clothing (Poor Condition) Nicholas Stahley, level 1 S.4 P.8 E.3 C.6 I.8 A.4 L.7 Perks Improv Artist | Perfectionist | Fast Learner Equipment Homemade Shotgun | Zip Gun Armor Dirty Pre-war Clothes | |
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| azstarael | Dec 16 2016, 07:28 AM Post #10 |
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"Got a light?"
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Loth, you aren’t going to have a full novel to read. Most of my notes for you ended up at the beginning, since I have fewer issues with the technicalities of your writing. The biggest are your punctuation and capitalization. As I told Khal, most of this can be avoided all together with some careful proof-reading, a beta reader, and preferably both. There are a few habits- tics, if you will, that have no place in formal writing. I’ve seen a triple questionmark at least once. You use those in text messages and the c-box, never formal writing. More importantly, though. That damn tilde makes me want to rip my hair out. A pause or fade in sentences is shown using an ellipsis. I know it has nothing to do with the roleplay as a whole, but it’s jarring, it’s grammatically incorrect, and I just don’t like it. On the one hand, I understand exactly what tones you’re conveying when you use it, which is appreciated and good for keeping story and dialogue fluid. You do a good job with both, except for my next observance: The pointless detours. We’ve already talked about the shoe. Next was “The last bottle missed its target and simply joined the field of shattered glass on the ground next to Jay and blocking the exit unless you could jump it.” I have zero need for that information. We aren’t planning a bank heist, Khal doesn’t need those details for his reply (if he did, it should be discussed ooc), and I don’t care about shattering bottles. I want to stay focused on the action, the drama, not play Jr CSI. This is consistent throughout your work. You aren’t showing the setting, you’re telling, which is not only wooden to read; the meticulous, unnecessary details make for a dry and boring narrative. “Abrahams hands began to shift his weapon over towards Tim who looked surprised by this action...” is another example of over-explaining. Show, don’t tell. “The junk flinger shifted toward Tim, whose face twisted in surprise.” Here’s another. “ Abraham grabbed the cord firmly and as he tugged it down to pull it free he let it go and then shifted his hands to his weapon.” I’m a sucker for detail, myself. But, if you’re going to do a play-by-play of motions like that, it should be less analytical and more visual. It reads like a bomb-disarming manual. Instead, I’d like to see something along the lines of “Abrabam yanked hard on the cord, then immediately had his weapon back in hand.” Same chain of events, about half the words, a lot easier to picture. Same issue with describing Tim’s armor. You don’t have to tell me his face and neck were exposed- show me. It’s your roleplay too, just tell me the bolt shattered and sprayed glass in his face, they’re a fresh npc with no ties to anyone but you or Khal. If you’d planned to kill either of them, of course you two would have discussed it, but a little maiming between friends shouldn’t be an issue, right? (; “He readied new gauze as it was needed if the previous cloth got too damp and would apply it over top. He uncorked his personal canteen and put a little water on his hand. "Im just gonna clean your face, dont mine me. Keep going." Abraham added attempting to listen to Dom and keep tending to him properly.”————— “Setting his medical supplies in easy reach, he took his canteen and poured a small trickle of water into his hand. “I’m just gonna clean your face, don’t mind me” is all you need here. Basically, use as few (yet varied) words as possible to paint an effective picture without wandering into “trite nonsense” territory. “He would have probably had Abraham too if the rope was not getting pulled up the track along the wall giving slack to the broken bottles on the cieling that began tumbling down. Thankfully Dom getting pushed forward and being held where he was put him mostly out of the impact area of the falling bottles, though a few of the shattering fragments might have headed his way.” This was, quite simply, a convoluted mess. I have no earthly idea what you’re trying to say, none of it seems relevant, and all I got from it was “I am confused, now what was happening with the characters, again?” There was a similar instance right after. This one isn’t hard to understand, but it IS a x3 combo run-on, that many times too long, and clogging up your narrative. “As the glass bolt cleared the weapon and began to traverse the distance between them his hand was already shifting to grab another bolt as Abraham pivoted his footing and then dashed behind the full fencing portion of the wall to take cover from retaliation as he reloaded.”—————“Twang as the bolt cleared the weapon. In the same instant, Abraham was reaching for another, even as he dove for cover behind the wall and started reloading.” “It wasn't necessarily a fatal blow, but he had been bloodied and perhaps that was enough for him to take advantage.”————— (Firstly, that ‘who’s speaking/acting problem is in there, too.) “The shot hadn’t been fatal, but it had definitely done some damage. Blood was flowing freely from several deep lacerations, distracting Tim long enough to give Abraham something of an advantage.” I do appreciate the way you keep your vocabulary from being overly flowery. It’s a nice mix of basic language, a good flow to the prose, interspaced with a few $10 words. Another silly little detail that made me smile was Abraham dealing with some very sweaty, very large armpits. This is what you get for helping strangers. Just sayin’. That about wraps it up, I’m going to go through some short suggestions- mostly misplaced words, questionable narration, or anything that just didn’t sit right with me. “After a flash of colors and sound [Do u mean memories?] his thoughts were clear again.” “One clipped him in the shoulder of his fun hand…” His what? The analogy is weak and non-specific at best, confusing at worst. Left or right, man. That’s all I need. “Abraham could hear the smash and thud on blows…” Basically nonsense again. “…feeling the red on his hand.” One does not feel colors. Usually, unless there’s a lot of it in a drawn-out scene, you should always just say ‘blood’. “Dom had been unable to assist him properly so he simply pulled the man as his ankles dragged.” You most certainly would not, Mr. 4 Strength. You’d be lucky to get him off the ground without tearing a ligament. I’m not sure if you were even intending to carry him, but if I misread, change this from “not believable” to “strangely worded”. “As the door opened he went up the stairs, every step was a clunk clunk clunk as Doms boots smacked against the stairs.[He shoved the door open and they made their way laboriously up the stairs, Dom’s footsteps equally thunderous and unsteady.] Reaching the top Abraham exhaled and took deep breaths for five second”. Missing ‘s’ on seconds aside, it’s another tacked-on detail that just clutters up the flow of the story. “Reaching the top, Abraham paused to steady them both and take a few deep breaths.” “-and then saw that the can bell had been damaged at some point, so he fashioned a new one so that it would 'clunk' when hit by the door and clunk a few more times when the door was opened enough for it to slip through ; and when the door closed it did a similar thing and clunked when hit and was pulled back to its side and clunked a few more times after getting free and smacking the door.” Not only unnecessary filler, but another confusing slog through strange phrasing. “-and saw his can bell had been damaged. He spent a moment repairing the little device, assuring himself it would make plenty of noise no matter how the door was opened.” And, my very last (and possibly greatest grievance) is this little gem. “ He locked up the security wall through a secret means he and Isaac knew about in case no one was inside or it accidentally locked.” This is the kind of thing that got us into the plant escapade in the first place. When did you install this? How does it work? If you’re going to flaunt HD security in a town full of thieves and degenerates, you need more backup than “it was super secret and it totally worked great.” Ok, that was long and harsh, I know. On to something a little less painful. Well. Depending on how you plan to use it.
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Spike, level 5 (Hardcore Mode) S:4 P:9(-1) E:7 C:2 I:4(-1) A:10(+1) L:5 Perks Finesse | Small Frame | Chem Reliant Equipment: Switchblade | Rudimentary revolver | x5 Throwing Knives (GC) | Scary Terry Knife Gauntlet Armor: Duster coat (Poor Condition) Reputation Bucket Town (-30) Claw (Companion) S:2 P:7 E:9 C:3 I:9 A:8 L:2 Perks Jinxed | Hunter| Marksman Equipment Junk flinger | Kitchen knife (Poor Condition) Armor Desert Clothing (Poor Condition) Nicholas Stahley, level 1 S.4 P.8 E.3 C.6 I.8 A.4 L.7 Perks Improv Artist | Perfectionist | Fast Learner Equipment Homemade Shotgun | Zip Gun Armor Dirty Pre-war Clothes | |
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