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Finding Bucketown
Topic Started: Dec 2 2016, 01:38 AM (89 Views)
TonyTheFish
Wastelander
[ *  *  *  * ]
"What the fuck are you looking at"
"Hwha?"
"I said, what are you looking at? Bitch?"
"Nothin"
"Yeah that's right, get outta here!"
"Oh"
"What do you mean 'oh' bitch? Get the fuck out!"
"Hm"

The man seemed to be getting angry. But Dom just wanted to get past, he had heard there was a place on this street where raiders were holding traders who knew where BT was, he only used the letters now because it was too hard to say the words. He had been trying the doors when this guy had stepped out with a gun in Doms face, the man had light stubble and a blue hoodie underneath a yellow hazmat suit. It was a strange colour that Dom had never liked, but he had not told the man that, he did not remember telling him that anyway, so he was not sure why the man was being so rude. Dom was just standing there with his single blond curl, a muscle mass leagues bigger than his IQ, a blue duster and a hand cannon resting on the other shoulder. A bad smell wafted out of the door, the abandoned building was mostly gone from the first floor up so if the traders were in here then they would be just behind that door. He tried to lean to the side subtly, the man just stared at him and leaned with him to block the view.

"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Um, wha are you doin'?"
"Fuck man, are you turning ghoul or some shit?"
"Um...no, I'm Dom."
"Dom huh, you a big guy Dom but you are gonna need to go now before they see you."
"Hm...traders here?"
"Traders? What trad-oh shi-"

Dom saw them through the door as the guy had shooed him along, giving him the gap to watch the strange big bowls they were working over. Dom slammed his shield into the mans face, barrelling into the door and accidently closing it, the man caught between the doorframe, heavy door and shield. His head was crushed and ribcage collapsed in on itself, Dom recoiled in disgust and wiped the blood from his face. He stumbled back a few steps into the street. The door opened quickly and a bald man dragged the body through, the locking themselves in again, screaming James all the time. Dom had dropped his hand cannon when stumbling, leaning over to pick it up when the man burst out and raised a shaking gun to him. But Dom had not come all this way to be shot by this guy he had to buy a new shield in BT so he could not die here. It was not a reluctance thing, it was a misunderstanding of how he could die when he had stuff to do, he simply did not have the time to be dead. His hand cannon went off, the random concoction of metal scraps inside screeching as they left and making a mess of the bald mans hazmat suit. His gun fell limply from his hand, falling over forwards and making a funny dong noise as he hit the floor with his face. Dom did not enjoy killing much but it was him or Dom and Dom would always choose Dom.

Dom stepped over the body, avoiding the blood spilling out around and placing his gun as gently as his ham fisted hands could manage to the side of the door. He needed to get in before the raiders hid the traders again, that smell of nastiness wafting out again, it really got into your nose, making Dom sneeze. As if the sneeze was their que, the door swung open, clanging onto his shield, too last the raider realised his mistake, obviously thinking Dom was further back. Dom wedged the shield into the gap, pushing through and knocking the man back with a shield bash then moved into him. This allowed him to rain slow but heavy punches into the man with his stone knuckles hand while blocking the view from the rest of the room. When the man was no longer moving, dead or unconscious he did not care, he turned to see where the traders were. Two raiders remained at the back of the room, guns to the traders head. The other two traders were behind them, hiding in the corner and staring at Dom with a mixture of fear and hope in their eyes, he wondered why they had not attacked the raiders if they had the numbers. Dom was oblivious to the hostage situation, he just saw two raiders twitching to eachother and shooting glances at the exit behind them.

Dom ran towards them, shield first to absorb the shots they sent at him. As he passed the bowls in the floor he realised it was brahmeen dung. Dom had no idea why it was there or why they had the traders using it, maybe they liked the smell so they kidnapped the traders to keep the room as they liked it. The raiders cursed as they realised he had not called their bluff, turning and running down the corridor behind them. They must have realised that even if they killed the hostages, he would still get them, so there was no point shooting them and wasting time they could use to get away. Not that Dom would let that happen, they had shot at him and been mean to him, and to these smelly traders which was just a bad thing to do. The first raider tripped on something, only noticing too late the thundering coming up behind him. As the second raider turned while fumbling the door he saw his friend disappear under Doms muscle and scream, then silence. He turned, grasping at the handle but his strength was leaving him, slapping weakly at it. It was then he noticed the knife tip protruding from his stomach, he brushed it and reached for the handle behind it.

"Yay! You got him!"
"Huh?"

The raider was confused, until he saw the trader to the other side of him, hand red with the raiders blood. His face was white and shaking, but with a firm resolution on it, and a snarl when he looked at the raider, before turning away and walking back past Dom. Dom patted him on the back as he went past, grinning at him in a gruesome way he imagined to be happy, happy that the trader had stopped the raider get away. He turned, leaving the raider to slip numbly into death from blood loss, grunts from behind Dom were ignored, and by the time he looked back when back in the main room, the raider was dead. Dom turned to the raiders while trying to brush blood off of his duster, scowling at the stains all over it. It had been ages since he washed it so it was more dark red than blue right now, but listened while they talked.

"I suppose thank you is in order, they had us cooking up jet in here for about a week now."
"Mhm, do you know where BT is?"
"BT? Um, oh bucket town"
"Yeah, is a hard word tah say."
"Right, yes we do, its um, down route 175 its a...a...dammit"

He had seen the vacant expression on Doms face and his own face fell as he realised Dom had no idea what he was talking about. He held his finger up and turned around to talk to his other trader friends, Dom understood, they had to decide how to take him to BT. It did not occur to him for a second that they neither wanted to or had any inclination to go there, he only knew he wanted to go there and they knew so obviously they were going to take him. Their whispering got more intense, the trader who had stabbed the raider kept glancing at Dom, taking in his muscles and shield then went back down. Soon after they turned around again and the first trader started nodding.

"Ok, yeah sure, we can take you, why not, they sold off all our wares and ate our Brahmins so we have nothing left in Dallas"
"Yay!"
"We can take weapons from these raiders but we are still weak so you will need to protect us"

What he meant was, if stuff attacks, Dom goes first. They were using him beyond belief despite his friendliness towards them, planning to use guns to keep stuff at bay while it ate Dom so they could make it.

"Ok"

Dom walked over to the door and stepped outside, picking up his hand cannon and turning in the street like a dog before plonking himself down on the cracked tarmac. He reloaded the hand cannon, starting with the gunpowder and the small pouch of metal shards, pushing them down with one of his sausage fingers. But when he was done he was bored and spent the next few minutes pulling grass out of the road, he could not knit it into anything like he had seen some girls do but he liked the fresh colour. Eventually, when Dom was covered in random weeds and starting to wonder if the traders had left without him, they stepped out of the front door. They had kitted themselves out with the raiders clothes, slightly blood covered in a couple of cases, guns slung on their shoulders and a new cold determination in their eyes. One of them was smiling at the back at something Dom did not know, just assuming he was being friendly and smiled back. The man chuckled and started walking off down the road, the other traders walking off with him. Dom clambered to his feet and followed them, his curl bobbing as he walked and shield weighing down his arm. He switched arms with a lot of fuss and cursing, the raiders laughing in front of him as they watched him hit himself in the head several times with the top of the shield. Finally ready, they stood at the base of a very long road, Dom gulped, and started the journey.
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Triminac
Private Dick
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Hey there, Khal. Just your friendly neighborhood Junior Mod, Trim, here! Glad to see ya putting the work in; let's get down to it, shall we?

The first issue I see is punctuation. In quotations, you still have to polish off the clause or sentence, even if it seems like an unfinished thought. Try not to start a sentence with a transition word like “but”. Rarely should “but” ever be capitalized. It’s a slight misuse of the word but it’s not the worst thing in the world. Switching the previous period to a comma should fix that. Also in the same sentence you have a bit of a run on.

“But Dom just wanted to get past, he had heard there was a place on this street where raiders were holding traders who knew where BT was, he only used the letters now because it was too hard to say the words”

That last comma should either be a period or a semicolon.

Unrelated to the grammar stuff, someone who has a low intelligence character might be prone to just have them make silly, almost pointless decisions, but you’re thoroughly playing him as mentally slow, and I gotta say, I’m a big fan. I’m getting a Lenny from Mice and Men vibe, and Lenny’s a baller.

“Dom saw them through the door as the guy had shooed him along, giving him the gap to watch the strange big bowls they were working over. Dom slammed his shield into the mans face, barrelling into the door and accidently closing it, the man caught between the doorframe, heavy door and shield. His head was crushed and ribcage collapsed in on itself, Dom recoiled in disgust and wiped the blood from his face. He stumbled back a few steps into the street.”

Gonna be honest, no idea what happened here. I assume some raiders came in past the guy that answered the door, but it was totally unclear. For a moment, I thought Dom went into a psychotic rage right there and I was jarred by the unnecessary response. You gotta be careful with this shit, man. Things may be crystal clear in your head, but the reader has to visualize this whole scene based on what you have down.

“The door opened quickly and a bald man dragged the body through, the locking themselves in again, screaming James all the time.” Again I am at a loss. Khal, you have to proofread your work before you submit it. Like, after reading it several times over, I can riddle out what you meant to say, but you don’t want your reader to have to do that. You want them to smoothly glide through your work with the perfect picture in their heads. Also, the actual physical space that Dom and his NPCs are in is a bit unclear. I know he’s on a street, but I don’t know anything else. Also, what NPC is doing what is nebulous at best. I need more of a description than just “the man” to differentiate him between the first guy you saw, the one you flattened, and the bald fellow. A nickname, or clothing description would be extremely helpful here.

Partway through, your narrative style changes a bit. It starts to look a bit more like it’s from Dom’s point of you. Slow, punctuated thoughts where he speaks in third person. I actually like that quite a lot. It’s a neat, somewhat untried method and I would enjoy seeing more of it. If you do choose to use it, however, you have to be consistent and use it all of the way through. Don’t feel too bad, though. No one of more guilty of changing narrative styles on here than me.

“-it really got into your nose, making- “ don’t say “your” because it changes the story to second person perspective.

“Dom ran towards them, shield first to absorb the shots they sent at him” PFFFFFFFT. Home boy, your shield made of car scrap is not going to stop bullets, even weak ones. Otherwise everyone would have a shield. Bullets go through cars like butter, dude. Only part of the car that really stops anything is the engine block. Remember, man, you gotta be realistic. If you’re unsure about something, do your research. It’ll pay off. Your shield can help you will melee attacks, but a bullet will punch through it any day of the weak. I’d let you say it reduced the force of the blow slightly but really it’s still going to get through and do some serious damage.

Okay. So, long story short: your biggest issues are grammar, rhythm, and clarity. If you need help with those things, feel free to ask. It’s better to feel dumb for a second and have an awesome story later than see complaints with your finished product. Also, this was just a travel piece, so short and sweet is the right idea, but when making a real, content dependent piece, you’re going to want to have a longer story. Really throw some depth in there. Just keep practicing, and one day you can be that monster you’ve always wanted.

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Onto the Rewards:
Brahmin Dung: Could be a decent fertilizer. Could make some meth. Whatever you want really. The possibilities with brahmin dung are endless! It’s a miracle this stuff isn’t more popular. You’ve got two, decent-sized bowls of it right here.

Road Map: Surprisingly few people have one of these. If you were smart enough to use it, you wouldn’t have to rely on guides for directions anymore. Oops.

Your new trader buddies did you a solid and sharpened your rock knuckles! Consider those in Good Condition! Make sure to mark those in your inventory.

Your Car Scrap shield is now in Poor Condition! Apparently, bullets aren’t good for it. Who knew? Make sure to mark this in your inventory.
Virgil Wakes: Level 4
S(3) P(4) E(2) C(10) I(7) A(5) L(9)
Bucket Town Reputation: +174
Roy Reputation: +5
D1-CK: Level 4
S:1 P:10 E:5 C:2 I: 8 A: 9 (+1) L: 5
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