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Mandibles, Men and Mutilation.; James is... Interesting.
Topic Started: Oct 29 2016, 04:26 PM (66 Views)
Brinotron
Vault dweller
[ *  * ]
James was walking as he had been for years now. His feet moving rythmically through the almost endless wastes. His throat parched and lips dry he reached for his flask; raising it to his lips and awaiting the cascade of sweet, life-affirming water. But none came to him, and the land around him was dry and had no water he could drink. He would simply have to hope that some poor soul died of exposure or hunger rather than dehydration out here. Thusly leaving water for him in his time of need.

Aversly, on the other side of a large hill, marching along... Is a small Comfederate patrol looking for slaves... And on a perpindicular course to James'. They were well eqquiped with food and water. As well as they could be anyway. "Hey Bill!" One of the younger Confederates said. "Yeah Joel?" The older one replied curtly. "Do you see those ruins over yonder?" The younger one asked. "That I do boyo. That I do. Men! March to those ruins!" The older man said. The patrol's march doubled in speed towards the ruins.

Meanwhile below the ground... The ants were feeding their young and the Queen. Selflessly serving for the good of the other members of the colony. The hive was new compared to some of the old ones but... It was an Okay place to live. The walls easy to access and move through. There was the sound of food moving outside, but the nest would wait. As it always had.

Upon reaching some ruins he had seen nearby, James noticed some faded pre-war posters that stated "Stem the RED TIDE! Enlist Today!" In bold lettering above an image of Power Armored troops holding back a sea of Chinese soldiers. James looks away from it, and hears voices coming over the hill towards him. So he looked around and noticed a cave in the ruins. So he entered and the cave felt a little warm, but this is the Wastes and weird shit happened all the time so he paid it no mind.

Until he heard an unholy *CRUNCH* beneath his foot. He turned on his light and shone it at his foot seeing the remains of a crushed egg. He then shone his light around the cave and saw them. Giant Ants covered the walls, chittering angrily. And then the chittering tide surged foward towards him, and he (rather smartly) ran like a bitch out of the cave and into the ruins, right past the Confederate troops.

The Confederates were obviously started to see a screaming man run past them. But they didn't even have the time to train their weapons upon him when the wave of chittering mandibles rushed towards them.

The ants surged towards the new intruders. Their prey obviously was in league with these beings and the hive would visit their rage upon these beings as well. Their mandibles cut straight through one of them, whilst another fell to the ants' sheer numbers. But eventually they ran into a being that would not fall easily. Stabbing into the heads of their brethen killing them instantly.

The Confederate Commander stood upon a mound of ant cadavers. Stabbing into them as they came. He had taken out 30 of them so far, but there were at least twenty left. And all his men were dead, and his body tired. He never noticed the ant crawl up behind him. And in a second, his head rolled upon the ground. The blood would dry in hours.

In the middle of all this, James was hiding in a small ruin nearby. He had witnessed the Commander's death. And had waited until the ants left. Only two still dragging corpses into the hive. He saw an opportunity to find some good shit. So... He ran at them, holding his baseball bat as hard as he could. The ants turned and rushed at him; snapping their mandibles angrily. James swung his bat, breaking one of the ant's mandibles, the other ant managed to rip one of the legs of his clothes before he could move. He swung the bat at the ant that got his pants, breaking it's frontmost left leg before smashing it's FUCKING HEAD OPEN LIKE A GODDAMN FUCKING BADASS! "SUCK IT ANTS!" Before turning his attention to the other ant, it was trying to run back into the hive. He drew his pipe rifle, loaded it, and shot the damn thing. He looked around and saw only one body. That of a low ranking Confederate. He didn't find much, but he did find his water. And, as he was skipping off, having searched the body, he sipped the water happily.
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identicalcurve
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Mad King of the Salmon
[ *  *  *  * ]
First I would like to congratulate you on passing the Registration process and posting your first Solo/One Off. I hope to see more work from you in the future.


Now that the congratulations are done let's get down to grading. I will forewarn you that my gradings will be concise, unopinionated, and final. You will be graded on five important traits, with a grading scale from 0 to 14. If you would like to learn more about the grading scale please look here in the Grading Scale section.




QUALITY: While I very much enjoyed the story behind your Solo, I must admit the quality is quite bad. When reading the post my inner voice was monotone and bereft of any sort of spirit. Many sentences in each paragraph start with a similar if not the same exact word, making it seem bland and without constructive forethought. I also suggest you refrain from any sort of mentioning about how badass your character is, unless it is a direct statement from your character or from within his own thoughts, this comes across as a bit pretentious. While I see these problems, along with other less glaring grammar problems, I suggest you continue to hone your work.


REALITY: I find that this RP is for the most part in line with the reality that we have constructed here on the wastes.My only grevience here is how deftly you character was able to escape enemies, enemies with a lower intelligence that would have most likely stayed on your trail unless the Confederates had intervined.


USAGE: For the most part your usage of action and content is fine. I would have liked to see more, but it is to be expected for a short One-Off like this one. Although i must mention that most of the action is not from your own character, but from others.


QUANTITY: I am content with the length of this post, like mentioned before it is to be expected of a short One-Off. In the future I would like to see longer and more expansive posts.


ENJOYABILITY: While i like the subject matter here the monotonous nature of the writing makes it hard to truly immerse oneself into the story.




INDIVIDUAL SCORES
QUALITY: 1/4
REALITY: 3/4
USAGE: 1/2
QUANTITY: 1/2
ENJOYABILITY: 1/2


OVERALL SCORE
7/14


REWARDS:
MONETARY REWARDS: 1 Hide found on a Confederate’s body.
EXPERIENCE REWARDS: Miniscule Amount.
LOOT: Confederate Soldier’s Canteen.




PERSONAL NOTE AND OPINIONS: I would like to begin by stating that I am very excited you have decided to join our community, and hope we can help you progress further as a writer and storyteller. Please don't take anything I have said here to heart, though i may be harsh in grading I am fully aware that you are new here and extend an open hand to offer my assistance any time you wish to take it. If you ask your fellow members of The Wastes (particularly FOM) they will tell you i have given you the same treatment i would have given anyone else.


The gradings here are meant to rewards those who succeed in writing something elegant and guide those who have not to learn to write better. So please don't take this as a sign we do not enjoy your writing, but as a sign that you have things to learn.
Jamison "Jay" Reynolds
Special: S-5 P-5 E-5 C-5 I-7 A-* L-5
Inventory: Rudimentary Revolver, Pipe Rifle, Duster Coat, and Cowboy Hat.
Traits: Good Natured, Sex Appeal (Straight), Revolving Killer. White Oak Baseball Bat Stake (Teir 2 poor.) (Ownership of a mostly destroyed 57 Bellaire {Roof and frame intact)}
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I Hope You're Satisfied.
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