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Doby Rybolt; The Sweet Talking Hacker
Topic Started: Dec 17 2013, 06:17 PM (201 Views)
vtechguy
Member Avatar
Vault idiot
[ * ]
Character Name: Doby Rybolt

Character Stats:
S 4
P 5
E 5
C 8
I 7
A 5
L 6

Character Race: Human

Approx. age: 28

Character Personality:

Doby Rybolt is a very strange boy. When he was a young teenager, both of his parents were murdered. He tries to hide murders that have effected him in a significant way. With his deceased parents he was left to care for his brother. Doby has always had a kind hard for children. When it comes to people around his age, he does not partake in casual conversations.

The oddest characteristic that Doby Rybolt has is how intelligent he is. He used to work as a computer programmer or more likely a hacker. This is strange because neither one of his parents are very smart, actually they were the opposite. Doby disinherited every single trait about his parents. They were muscular and athletic while their sons were lucky and intelligent. The main notable characteristic about Doby is how he sees fragments of his past. Ever since the death of his parents and now his brother, Bolton, these images have became more frequent.

Character Appearance:

Doby is seen with white skin and a small Italian tan. He has sharp brown hair. His goatee forms a circle underneath his nose and is also the color brown. He stands not tall with only five feet and eight inches to him. His body weight is only one hundred and forty pounds. His blues eyes were passed down to him from his grandparents.

Doby's past experience as a teenager still haunts him to this day. Small imprints of scars under his mouth are noticed. His mouth is perfectly shaped but, his nose is a little small for a male. The cheeks of this 'man' are the common color of his skin only when he is not embarrassed. Some zits or also known, pimples, are seen above his forehead when his hair is not covering the way.

This Italian descendant has bones on his fingers that can be noticed. His body has been extremely hairy since he was a fifteen year old boy. Some call it hair, he says "Welcome to the jungle". Unlike most dead men currently, Doby does not have a full on six pack of abs covering his body. He has all of his finger and toes in correctly lined order.

Starting equipment: Dirty Pre-War Clothes, Homemade Shotgun, Cherrybomb, kitchen knife

Character story:

One night near the coast of Florida, Doby and Bolton Rybolt were playing a game of caravan near the kitchen. Doby's sixteen year old brother, Bolton, was a cheater. Doby was a twenty-six year old man with no facial hair at the time. As they were playing caravan, a knock on there door was heard. Both of the boys looked at each other. Rarely anyone had visited them. The knock transformed into a bang. The bang progressed into a boot to the door. Doby ran to the closet to get the 9mm. Bolton ran to the kitchen and grabbed the combat knife from under the refrigerator. Suddenly, things had transitioned to something unseen. A man wearing a black mask and holding a shotgun blasted through the door. Two shots were fired! One was a lighter shot to the skull of the intruder. Doby quickly looked around the house and his knees collapsed to the floor. He picked up his lifeless brother who had a shotgun shell penetrated into his chest. Tears ran down the face of the Florida man.

Two years later, Doby had been become a mountain dweller from Rio, West Virginia. A log cabin was planted furmely on top of a huge mountain. Doby had worked hard and valiantly to fortify his home. There was a small community around him. He knew that the mountains who stop any major calamities to erupt again in his life. Doby stood on the porch of his home, spinning the combat knife. Images of his parent's murder at the age of thirteen ran through is mind. Raiders had entered his home and slaughtered his parents. He was in charge of protecting his brother. Now his brother was left deceased. A depressed Doby went to his bathroom and trimmed his beard. Looking at a bottle of whiskey, he had drank it within seconds. Now Doby lied on the floor of his cabin, a drunkard.

As a drunken Doby lied on the floor, a fire began to burn down his wood cabin. Raiders surrounded the cabin. Nearby villagers came to help out Doby but, it was too late. The entire cabin was burned down. Mysteriously, Doby awoke on a ship boarded by Raiders. The climate began to change rapidly. Some of the men on the boat died of frostbite. Miraculously, Doby was still alive with five of the raiders. They dragged him off the boat that had crashed into an iceberg. Doby's chains had been frozen off. He quickly made a run through the ice land. Trees smacked him in the face as he ran away from the Raiders. He looked around and saw a sign labeled "Anchorage, Alaska". He began to walk toward the sign.

Doby couldn't believe where he had arrived. Maybe, his insanity was finally getting to him after all. He placed his hand over the sign. For some reason it felt almost fake. Slowly, his hand began to phase right through it as his smashed on the fading sign and he was in a black lit room. Images of his deceased brother began to haunt him. Doby awoke to screams as he lied safely in his bed. His past had been haunting him for far too long.


Character strengths and weaknesses:

Strengths:

Science? When it comes to operating on computers, Doby is the past, present, and future of hacking. His intelligence on computers is outstanding. Not to mention while he busy hacking his enemies, Doby will sweet talk them into not killing him. Why make friends with people who store information on their computers?

Weaknesses:

Doby has an enormous disadvantage on the battlefield when it comes to strength. Adding on to this fact, he is unable to wield any heavy/big boy weapons. His melee weapons damage is cut in half because of his weak strength. People always told him he needed glasses but, he never listened. When he isn't wearing glasses his perception cuts his vision by 1/3.

Traits: Popular, Good Natured
Doby Rybolt
SPECIAL: 4,5,5,8,7,5,6
Level: 1
Bucket town reputation: 25
Equipment
Weaponry: Homemade Shotgun, Cherrybomb, kitchen knife
Armor:Dirty Pre-War Clothes
Inventory:

1x Normal Hide
x1 Medium Hide
x1 Pepper Shaker (? condition)
Appearance:
Caucasian
Small, scars under his mouth, and skinny, sharp brown hair in a slicked down style. Blue eyes and a goatee.
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Zilabus
Member Avatar
Er'ry day I'm overseein'
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I think we have a good character coming along here and I think you have a good amount of potential and some good ideas and you're almost to getting your registration passed. Before we look at other things though, I think there are quite a few areas that just need some polish.

My main advice would be to go over and give everything a slow read over at this point. You seem to have pretty good mechanics, but often times it feels choppy or sentences feel out-of-order or have lost meanings. Just for clarity, I'll show a few examples of what I mean.

Quote:
 
Every since the death of his parents and now his brother, Bolton, these images have became more frequent.

For example, in the sentence it seems to me that 'Every' should likely be 'Ever'. 'And now his brother Bolton' would likely be better off as "And most recently his brother Bolton," To carry on this trend, it should probably be 'have become' instead of 'have became'. I take apart this sentence in particular because I think issues similar to this pop up a couple times throughout. The sentence seems fine, but sounds strange and jerky because the tense isn't consistent - that is, the words that convey past present and future are mixed together in an offputting way. It's important to try and remember to keep your sense consistent - it doesn't matter if it happened or is happening, what does matter is that all of the writing reflects that. If you need more clarity on that, don't worry, we can help you as we go.

Something else I would look at is sentences like
Quote:
 
Unlike most dead man currently, Doby does not have a full on six pack of abs covering his body.
Here we have the simple fix of 'dead man' to 'dead men', but looking deeper we have a confusing concept here that isn't really explained to the reader. Unlike most dead men currently? Does that mean he is dead? Or does this mean that dead men all have six pack abs?

Finally I would look at little confusions in your sentences - things like
Quote:
 
Rarely anyone had visited them.
seem strange and off in order - wouldn't you agree that 'rarely had anyone visited them' seems to sound more natural and more correct? Another little thing is small redundancies,
Quote:
 
Doby couldn't believe where he had arrived at.
for example, could probably benefit from the removal of the word 'at'.

So overall I would advise reading over everything slowly - even read it aloud if it helps, to look to clear up these little issues. A few little errors aren't a problem, but I think if you polished up these things it would improve everything in a noticeable way. These little issues as they are combine to make things a little difficult to read - and the bottom line is the easier it is to understand the easier it is for me to pass your registration! As it is a lot seems unclear because of these errors, and hopefully clearing them up will get us on the right track!

If you need any help clearing things up, don't be afraid to ask a more veteran member or mod in the cbox or in this topic. Like I said, I see a lot of potential in you, so I'm sure you can make everything ship-shape in no time!
Eli "Slim" Ambrose
SPECIAL: 3, 9, 2, 7, 9, 3, 7
Level: 5
Bucket town reputation: -175
Equipment
Weaponry: Molotov, Cherry bombs, Combat Knife, Laser pistol, Tack Mines, Smoke grenades, Syringes.
Armor:Post-war suit Tattered leather jacket
Inventory
Homemade shotgun, Gumballs, Bedspread
Mentats x3, Psycho x2, Jet x1, Wiskey x2, vodka
4 1/2 x Hides, 15 LSB dollars
Appearance
Caucasian
Very tall, lanky, and slim, jet black hair in a greased into a subdued pompadore style. Dark eyes and a cleanshaven face. Brown Windowpane suit.

Kelly "Featherweight" Capozzi
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vtechguy
Member Avatar
Vault idiot
[ * ]
Edited :D
BTW: Yeah, my "dialect" is different.
Doby Rybolt
SPECIAL: 4,5,5,8,7,5,6
Level: 1
Bucket town reputation: 25
Equipment
Weaponry: Homemade Shotgun, Cherrybomb, kitchen knife
Armor:Dirty Pre-War Clothes
Inventory:

1x Normal Hide
x1 Medium Hide
x1 Pepper Shaker (? condition)
Appearance:
Caucasian
Small, scars under his mouth, and skinny, sharp brown hair in a slicked down style. Blue eyes and a goatee.
Offline Mini Profile Goto Top
 
Zilabus
Member Avatar
Er'ry day I'm overseein'
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Well my friend, you've spent some time and work on improving your registration and that's a good sign that you're ready to get out there on the wastes! I'm interested to see where you take Doby as time goes on and how you develop as a writer!

That said, you pass!

This topic is going to be moved to the database. There you will be expected to keep track of your character as their status changes due to injuries, new equipment, different appearances ect. This is also a great place to keep track of missions he's been on which will help other people find the stories he's been in easily. This topic is also a great to talk about your character and the direction you want to take him with other people.

You are encouraged to place your character stats and info in your signature like I have and most of the members here have done as well. Browse through a few users signatures to get the idea of what to do.

See out in the wastes, wanderer.
Eli "Slim" Ambrose
SPECIAL: 3, 9, 2, 7, 9, 3, 7
Level: 5
Bucket town reputation: -175
Equipment
Weaponry: Molotov, Cherry bombs, Combat Knife, Laser pistol, Tack Mines, Smoke grenades, Syringes.
Armor:Post-war suit Tattered leather jacket
Inventory
Homemade shotgun, Gumballs, Bedspread
Mentats x3, Psycho x2, Jet x1, Wiskey x2, vodka
4 1/2 x Hides, 15 LSB dollars
Appearance
Caucasian
Very tall, lanky, and slim, jet black hair in a greased into a subdued pompadore style. Dark eyes and a cleanshaven face. Brown Windowpane suit.

Kelly "Featherweight" Capozzi
Offline Mini Profile Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
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