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Cloud Children; Solo for now
Topic Started: Oct 8 2010, 01:52 AM (196 Views)
Golgotha
Member Avatar
I could live in a hole
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]


Frank turned from the shop in Brick and walked up the dirt street, towards the open gates. It was probably about 11:00 morning and the heat of the sun was not quite full blast, this was arguably the best time of day for wandering, but only if you were half way through your journey. Frank decided best to wait about Brick for a while, he wasn't quite ready to start heading out. He decided he had some plans to attend to, he wanted to head out and find trouble, fuck, he wanted to kill a couple of mole rats, go take out a robo-brain, kill some ghouls. He wanted his girlfriend back. She decided to take some time away from Frank before she decided wether or not to come back to him, bitch was angry that Frank had left her, yeh well, he came back didn't he? Perhaps if he got his pistol back, the one with her name carved in it, the one that got stolen. The hooded man's head was reeling with ideas, anger, rage. Various isotopes of wanderlust. What was this? Boredom? He needed to embark on one fucking great big sega, a contract maybe, sounded good, maybe he'd become the wastes finest bounty hunter, or mercenary, or raider. He had always prided himself on being a loner, preoccupied with finding technology, vault leads and being a half decent guy, but things had changed him, this was Texas, things were different here, first off you had to adapt to the good damned heat...then you gotta-
Frank's trail of thought was interupted by two men wearing balaclavas, some scraped up hard hats and layers of fabric draped losely to form some sort of light clothing. They nodded as they walked past and went straight into the shop Frank had just left, a minute or two later they came back out bearing two bags of ammo. They sat down on an old bench outside one of the mud huts and relaxed, talking quietly and pointing along the horizon at irregular intervals. When they drew out bottles of clear water, Frank overcame his carefulness for his parched throat, he wandered over and waved, the two men just stared,
"Sky some water from you?" Frank asked.
One of them threw their bottle at Frank who caught it with one dusty hand and poured some of the contents into his mouth. He let some dribble out of his maw, it spattered onto the ground and was almost immediateley sucked up or evaporated, cloud babies.
"That'll do stranger, water be a valuable commodity round these parts,"
Frank realised how much he had taken, he quickly screwed the cap back onto the bottle and chucked it back,
"Tell me about it, haven't had good clear water like that in years though, bloody hell, how d'you get that shit?"
"Well, let's see," The man looked at the other guy intently for a second, then scrutinised the vacant gap between his water and the air filled plastic as if it was helping him make an important decision,
"When did we lose Fisher Boy?"
"Last week,"
"Anyone get him a stand in?"
"Nope, well, naw, a dog don't count do it?"
"I told Marco to get rid of that mangy wolf, fucking eats all the leather!"
The other man had a variably different accent to the man who Frank had taken his water from, he was a native with a heavy Texan accent, the first man had a more British talk.
"I can tell you stranger, but you gotta come with us, coz we don't just let people wander on in to our little arrangement you see," Frank nodded.
"We got a humvee backed up yonder that there hill, sturdy fucking brotherhood tech, raided it from a bunker, real smart affair, those guys don't get out too much, their combat discipline is crap incase you ever thought of scaving their ruins, just gotta watch out for them turrets they got, Mk. IV's really do some damage, like wall mounted mini-"
"Quiet Pike, yeh, ok, come on in with us, sorry, he likes a rant, like his tech don't you Pike!"
Pike smiled and nodded, bearing two missing inscisors.
Lidie Rider: Level 3 Raider
Age: 25-28
SPECIAL: 6.9.7.4.6.6.3 Condition: [x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]

Weapons: Post War Musket (tier 1) Tribal Sword (tier 2) Flash bang x1 snub-nosed revolver x1
Clothing: Basic Raider Armour (tier 2)
Equipment: large hide x2 medium hide x1 psycho x3 gnarled root x1 mapulator 300, secret holotape, pre-war photo, hair gel, x1 bobby pin

Kills 12

Companion: Ghilian Kheroseen.
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Golgotha
Member Avatar
I could live in a hole
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
The drive back to the men's camp was a short one, but only due to the humvee which coukld rack up quite veritable speeds, since it was built as an armoured vehicle, it's sturdy design made travelling off road and on road, (if you could still call them road) quite easy.
The man with a british accent who reveiled himself as Bryant, was the leader of a small gang called the Neo-Scav, well, to call it a gang would be an understatement, it was more so, an organisation, albeit very small. They where a bunch of semi-educated technology nuts, everything of scientific value was horded, to pay for it all they ventured out on dangerous missions or bounty hunting, whereas the Brotherhood of Steel have the technology to replicate weaponry and manufacture new ammunition, the Neo-Scav do not, they do however, find ways to make alternative weaponry with existing items, found a lot around the wastes, for example, a hunting rifle, will be stripped down, the key components analysed and then the weapon is reconstructed from everyday parts, although the sucess rate is small, those that are a sucess, are easy to manufacture.

The camp was quite small and packed and was focused around an oasis, the water was clear and transparent, some mutated palm trees clinged on to the edge and a few huts had been strung losely together to make up a basic settlement, Pike explained that they had placed small explosive mines, IED's and EMP mines all around the base to stop would be agressors from geting close. Unfortunateley, it means clearing the area of dead molerat, dog and yao guai on regular occasion.
"Frank, you say you are a vault fanatic do you? This is good, it means that you can stay for as long as you like," Bryant spoke as he parked up the humvee and tied it to a nearby tree, Frank nodded as he stepped out and then reeled back as he nearly walked smack bang into an APC with caterpillar treads underneath the wheels, the brotherhood sign had been painted over with red paint, it read,
- Commondered by the Neo-Scav's, suck it bitches!-
Lidie Rider: Level 3 Raider
Age: 25-28
SPECIAL: 6.9.7.4.6.6.3 Condition: [x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]

Weapons: Post War Musket (tier 1) Tribal Sword (tier 2) Flash bang x1 snub-nosed revolver x1
Clothing: Basic Raider Armour (tier 2)
Equipment: large hide x2 medium hide x1 psycho x3 gnarled root x1 mapulator 300, secret holotape, pre-war photo, hair gel, x1 bobby pin

Kills 12

Companion: Ghilian Kheroseen.
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Golgotha
Member Avatar
I could live in a hole
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]

Bryant looked at Frank, he bore a large smile.
"Come on, let me show you the rest of the team...we'll grab you a canteen from the storage room and then see about grabbing some more ammo for your hunting rifle,"
Frank followed the man into the central plaza,
"Pike will show you around, I'll meet you later with the equipment I promised, look there's Marco -" With that Bryant left.
Frank was in awe, everywhere, cramped Byzantine like houses, sheds spilling with shelves full of equipment and one large building, reinforced with plating that apparently divided into a mess hall, dormitories and large adept tech room.
"Would you like to see the stuff inside?" Pike asked, not a hint of interest in his voice.
"Sure, I'll go but...why don't you go check the armouries now, I'll be all right by myself!"
Pike smiled and departed quickly, trundling over to Bryant.
Lidie Rider: Level 3 Raider
Age: 25-28
SPECIAL: 6.9.7.4.6.6.3 Condition: [x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]

Weapons: Post War Musket (tier 1) Tribal Sword (tier 2) Flash bang x1 snub-nosed revolver x1
Clothing: Basic Raider Armour (tier 2)
Equipment: large hide x2 medium hide x1 psycho x3 gnarled root x1 mapulator 300, secret holotape, pre-war photo, hair gel, x1 bobby pin

Kills 12

Companion: Ghilian Kheroseen.
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Golgotha
Member Avatar
I could live in a hole
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]


Frank stepped into the room only to find six men in tattered white lab coats, well barely white for they where stained with an assortment of odd hues and unnatural chemicals.
The hooded man was in shock, he forgot his problems and slung himself down in a nearby chair. Everywhere there where tables with weaponry and technology strewn across them, there where also stim packs, large bottles of rad-x and even the odd vault boy emblems.
"Hey you, hoody, I'm in no mood, get over here now!" Cried a balding scientist with cracked glasses and a funny moustache.
Frank pointed to himself with an expression of shock about his face,
"Fuck sake, yeh you, c'mon," Frank stood and sidled past two men carrying a computer towards the man who was holding a hand held device.
"What?"
"Well, your the guy aren't you, the gun-ho mercs sent you in here for the job yes? Well, is Bryant sent you over I guess your ok, do you know what this is?" Asked the scientist waving the device in front of Frank's face.
"No, but it's got a pip boy on it doesn't it, it's vault tech no?"
"Well done...it's an actual, working pip-boy 2000, handheld edition! Recovered from the basement of a ruined city six hours north of here."
Frank's jaw dropped, he took the thing from the man's outstretched hand and weighted it, it was old and firm but still worked well, the 8 bit display buzzing as he fiddled with the buttons like it all came naturally...
Lidie Rider: Level 3 Raider
Age: 25-28
SPECIAL: 6.9.7.4.6.6.3 Condition: [x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]

Weapons: Post War Musket (tier 1) Tribal Sword (tier 2) Flash bang x1 snub-nosed revolver x1
Clothing: Basic Raider Armour (tier 2)
Equipment: large hide x2 medium hide x1 psycho x3 gnarled root x1 mapulator 300, secret holotape, pre-war photo, hair gel, x1 bobby pin

Kills 12

Companion: Ghilian Kheroseen.
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Golgotha
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I could live in a hole
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
"Yes okay Mr. Eager, give it back," the condescending character grabbed the object back just as Bryant walked into the room.
"I see you've met Frank then Gordon," Bryant smiled and held some ammo up.
"Is this the new merc to go on that trip for us?"
Bryant looked at the man inquisitively for a second then nodded slowly,
"You up for some work Browning, there's ok pay in it for you, a hide or two but the trek is dangerous and the goal is priceless!"
"Expand..."asked Frank.
At this Gordon the scientist butted in- "You see, our sources tell us that the vault this machinery came from, I believe it's name is 32a, is somewhere in Northern Texas, finding this pip-boy, not to far away is also a good sign, we can un-jam the homing beacon and then send you out on a map I'll draw up for you towards the vault, the only problem is it may or may not be open so we'll need info, you must get us, the dimensions of the door wheel if it's locked, or if it's open, you must venture inside and try to bring back a surviving dweller, if this fails, find a spare pib-boy so we can check recent data-records."
"You up for it Frank?"
Frank smiled, this was his big chance, "sure!"
Lidie Rider: Level 3 Raider
Age: 25-28
SPECIAL: 6.9.7.4.6.6.3 Condition: [x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]

Weapons: Post War Musket (tier 1) Tribal Sword (tier 2) Flash bang x1 snub-nosed revolver x1
Clothing: Basic Raider Armour (tier 2)
Equipment: large hide x2 medium hide x1 psycho x3 gnarled root x1 mapulator 300, secret holotape, pre-war photo, hair gel, x1 bobby pin

Kills 12

Companion: Ghilian Kheroseen.
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Golgotha
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I could live in a hole
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
The change back to the monotonous normality was sudden and ill welcomed. The wastes bored Frank beyond compare, his feet had long callused over, ceasing the threat of too many blisters, this reminded him, when he got the chance, he needed to buy some more shoes.
The desert heat of the Sun no longer beat down so hard upon it's defiant subjects. The bright star halted it's keen play and hid behind the distant rocky outcrops, taking a more observatory view on it's playground, a gently glowing crescent made itself visible and the moon strolled across it's stellar circuit to replace it's brighter successor, soon the night beasts would be out and Frank suddenly felt that Pike's offer of accompaniment would have better been accepted, but then...he was too far away from the outpost to turn back now.

It was funny, very few Neo-Texan's where interested in their vault heritage, shame really, Frank was supremely interested by it all and couldn't wait to see the vault entrance, no matter what the state. He again checked the scrunched up map in his pocket, a crudely marked out X and a poorly drawn circle made out the distance between him and his target. Frank's thought snapped back to the Texans, certainly a forward people, very much interested in their own gains, however selfish or boring. Their life was mapped out, rarely did they exert the want to travel from their comfort zones and even the traders followed strict routes lest they encounter some poorly equipped yet ferocious raiders. Nevertheless, it would be nice to have company.

(((OOC: THIS RP IS NOW OPEN, A MAXIMUM OF 3 PARTICIPANTS WILL BE KEENLY WELCOMED!)))
Lidie Rider: Level 3 Raider
Age: 25-28
SPECIAL: 6.9.7.4.6.6.3 Condition: [x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]

Weapons: Post War Musket (tier 1) Tribal Sword (tier 2) Flash bang x1 snub-nosed revolver x1
Clothing: Basic Raider Armour (tier 2)
Equipment: large hide x2 medium hide x1 psycho x3 gnarled root x1 mapulator 300, secret holotape, pre-war photo, hair gel, x1 bobby pin

Kills 12

Companion: Ghilian Kheroseen.
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Golgotha
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I could live in a hole
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]


The walk towards the destroyed town was filled with durable boredom, at one point Frank swore he could hear a large panting creature but it turned out to be little more than a lone mole rat, quickly dispatched with a few shots of the rifle. It turns out, the town Frank was walking too is situated between Waco and Ft. Worth. An oil rich area mined dry, the community shrivelled on the vine, apparently Frank had to be cautious of a few miserable people that still called the central strip home, scavengers, reduced to a semi-primal state. Frank considered them as ghouls and applied the necessary tactics to their counter or removal.

To be fair, the vault was situated in an area that rightfully, didn't deserve a vault. This place was on the edge and as Frank strolled on in, it was quite evident, the moon light that now shone down, a pale luminosity scarred the cracked streets, obscuring the flitting shadows that followed around Frank at all angles. Oddly enough, he wasn't scared, rather, more interested in the vault, an entrance of which was signed to apparently fifty metres ahead, a rusted old scrap of metal told him -
"Tomorrow is our future, but where will you be when the bombs fall? We hope, just fifty metres ahead! Vaultek, a finer way of living, underground."
This signature attempt at pre-war friendliness enticed the hooded follower onwards, down some sharply inclining steps, down a narrow passage, dribbling with awkward slime, towards a wooden door. Was it quite too late to be joined by friendly company? The dimness ahead spoke clearly but Frank hoped it lied.
Lidie Rider: Level 3 Raider
Age: 25-28
SPECIAL: 6.9.7.4.6.6.3 Condition: [x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]

Weapons: Post War Musket (tier 1) Tribal Sword (tier 2) Flash bang x1 snub-nosed revolver x1
Clothing: Basic Raider Armour (tier 2)
Equipment: large hide x2 medium hide x1 psycho x3 gnarled root x1 mapulator 300, secret holotape, pre-war photo, hair gel, x1 bobby pin

Kills 12

Companion: Ghilian Kheroseen.
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Golgotha
Member Avatar
I could live in a hole
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]


He was excited, blood rushed around his body like an adrenaline shot had just pumped into him. First the wooden door, rotting at it's hinges, down a narrow pathway carved out of rock and some type of iron, oddly, the door wasn't one of those enormous wheels, it was slightly smaller, and not so thick...and open.
Frank peered around it to find a dim white light flickering overhead, besides the odd rad roach crawling around the grates, it was devoid of anything or anyone.

Frank stepped inside slightly perplexed with this encounter, there was a Bakelite switch series on the wall which was oddly covered in peeling 50s wall paper, Frank flipped it, at first nothing happened but then a song began to play from two loud speakers, it started slow and the singer groaned monotonously but eventually it sped up and Frank realised the jazz player was Louis Armstrong singing a heavily edited version of "A Wonderful World." Frank moved on down the complex into a cantine,
"Heh, yes this is our wonderful Vault canteen, equipped with the finest luxury furniture and plastic fixings!" Frank tuned out the annoying speakers from his head and continued on on his own personal tour.

He must be in some sort of vault museum or demonstration surely, although, it looks like someone tried to stay here too long, Frank looked down and followed his trail of thought to a man carrying a Geiger counter, long since broken, the radiation pointer was relatively high and obviously someone had opened the doors a bit too soon. Further on, their was a museum bit that looked very out of place, a lot if it had been sacked and there was an explosion soot mark on one side of a veritably chipped wall. Frank liked this bit, he wandered around looking at empty cases and reading the plaques that mentioned what they where; vault cantine - for the adventurous vault dweller; pip-boy, the workhorse of the new life underground. Unfortunately empty, and with no dwellers, Frank wondered if all hope of getting back his prize was lost. But, something came to his attention when a locked draw was spied upon, Frank fired a shot at the lock and opened the table draw, the contents where fantastic, five holo discs, two of which had vault tek confidential written across them, there was also a funny little bobble head of a blonde man wearing a jumpsuit, Frank stuffed these into his pockets and made his way to the exit, only to be met by three men...
Lidie Rider: Level 3 Raider
Age: 25-28
SPECIAL: 6.9.7.4.6.6.3 Condition: [x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]

Weapons: Post War Musket (tier 1) Tribal Sword (tier 2) Flash bang x1 snub-nosed revolver x1
Clothing: Basic Raider Armour (tier 2)
Equipment: large hide x2 medium hide x1 psycho x3 gnarled root x1 mapulator 300, secret holotape, pre-war photo, hair gel, x1 bobby pin

Kills 12

Companion: Ghilian Kheroseen.
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Golgotha
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I could live in a hole
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]


"What y'all doing this f'har out frawm techno-civilisation or whatever you folks call it now?" One of the 'men' crawled out from the shadows, shielding his eyes from the dim light of the glowing red bulb by the entrance.
His complexion was awful, charred grey skin clung tightly over his hunched frame and oozing flesh eroded from his ribs.
"Fucking hell, keep back, what are you? Feral ghoul with a tape recorder?"
"Heh, good one dip-shit," It said sarcastically, pointing to it's exposed larynx, "real fucking A, didn't anyone tell you to be polite to your elders?"
Frank felt for his magneto pistol and drew it out quickly,
The feral ghoul crawled backwards a little bit and the two next to him sniffed the air like they where using their noses to sense danger.
"Y'shee, these here be mah pets, 'sept they 'whur' humans once, 'n them vaults we took shelter- what you got thar stranger?"
Frank slipped the holodiscs further into his pockets, the ghoul stared at him,
"Steelin' from us? What, you think we're to crazy to know what your doing?" The two ghouls bore their rotting teeth,
"Fucking git, im!"
Lidie Rider: Level 3 Raider
Age: 25-28
SPECIAL: 6.9.7.4.6.6.3 Condition: [x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]

Weapons: Post War Musket (tier 1) Tribal Sword (tier 2) Flash bang x1 snub-nosed revolver x1
Clothing: Basic Raider Armour (tier 2)
Equipment: large hide x2 medium hide x1 psycho x3 gnarled root x1 mapulator 300, secret holotape, pre-war photo, hair gel, x1 bobby pin

Kills 12

Companion: Ghilian Kheroseen.
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Golgotha
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I could live in a hole
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]


Frank hated ghouls as it was but three, angry, rotting, light sensitive ones with the ability of basic speech, it was a profanity against nature itself. When they charged Frank was quite happy to fire off a round catching one of the more feral ghouls in the neck, it landed and skidded across the floor groaning and clasping at the hole in it's windpipe where the wind shouldn't be rushing out.

The other ghoul looked reluctant to continue for a moment but one look from it's master sent it spiralling forward, Frank fired another shot which seemed to hurt the creatures eyes but, as the bullet whizzed past, the thing closed in. It lunged forward. Biting, clawing, probing. Frank tried to wrench it away but the ghoul kept coming, it threw a round house punch and Frank howled as bone and soft flesh smacked into his temple. The Reaver that until now had been watching entered the scene, just as Frank managed to kick the creature off him, the speaking creature darted at him.

Frank just managed to dodge but as the other creature came in for another blow, he unslung his rifle and used it to club the aggressor, it's head made a God awful splitting noise as he fell and it died almost instantly. The Reaver backed up before it lunged again,
"I is gonna fucking end you!" It screamed.
Frank needed to leave, quickly, more ghouls would be attracted at the sound of this but he did have a plan, he turned and swung in a wide arc, the creature jumped back and Frank turned to the light switch, he triggered every single one, at first nothing happened, then, one of the lights blinked on and off, the Reaver looked up terrified. Frank turned and ran his pursuer followed suit but once a row of the lights turned on, it fell to the ground, clasping it's eyes and hissing madly.

Frank ran from that town faster than he had done before and hopefully, for the last time.
Lidie Rider: Level 3 Raider
Age: 25-28
SPECIAL: 6.9.7.4.6.6.3 Condition: [x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x][x]

Weapons: Post War Musket (tier 1) Tribal Sword (tier 2) Flash bang x1 snub-nosed revolver x1
Clothing: Basic Raider Armour (tier 2)
Equipment: large hide x2 medium hide x1 psycho x3 gnarled root x1 mapulator 300, secret holotape, pre-war photo, hair gel, x1 bobby pin

Kills 12

Companion: Ghilian Kheroseen.
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Zilabus
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Er'ry day I'm overseein'
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
You asked for a critique. Here one is.

The dialogue feels very clunky. Work on it, work on it, work on it. Put discriptive pauses and explain what characters are doing while they talk. Try to set a pace. Are they yelling? Did they space out midway in a sentence? It reads more like a script at times then a story. Other then that, work on streamlining and refining. You have a tendancy to put in redundancies, whether from the narrator or in the dialoge itself.

There's nothing wrong with a long and complex sentence, but it doesn't feel right when you keep adding small notes on the end, because it's like, why not just make it into another sentence, or at least that's how I felt when I read it, I don't know, I tend to use a lot of commas too, but I try to build up the sentence when I do, and seperate it out when possible, but see how choppy and overdrawn it feels when you do this?

I would've been far more partial to the group you met up with, if you had more justification for all of their goodies. Which means more legwork, more build up, more time spent. How did they get Humvees? And expensive, expensive mines? And how did they take a brotherhood outpost with no retaliation or problems? Also, on an unrelated note, calling it '50's wallpaper' loses all since of emersion, because it pretty much says "HEY, THIS WAS WRITTEN FROM THE STANDPOINT OF A GUY IN REAL LIFE."

Yeah, take that all with a grain of salt. Honestly, those are just some tips that I think would make it better. But, those are the reasons for the rather lack-luster reward.





Quote:
 

Rewards:
Frank
Vault-tec bowling ball
Hurray for the giftshop!

Hide x1
Eli "Slim" Ambrose
SPECIAL: 3, 9, 2, 7, 9, 3, 7
Level: 5
Bucket town reputation: -175
Equipment
Weaponry: Molotov, Cherry bombs, Combat Knife, Laser pistol, Tack Mines, Smoke grenades, Syringes.
Armor:Post-war suit Tattered leather jacket
Inventory
Homemade shotgun, Gumballs, Bedspread
Mentats x3, Psycho x2, Jet x1, Wiskey x2, vodka
4 1/2 x Hides, 15 LSB dollars
Appearance
Caucasian
Very tall, lanky, and slim, jet black hair in a greased into a subdued pompadore style. Dark eyes and a cleanshaven face. Brown Windowpane suit.

Kelly "Featherweight" Capozzi
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