Welcome Guest
[Log In]
[Register]
| Welcome to The Wastes. We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| The Old Man; Cold and Lethal | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 2 2010, 02:54 PM (221 Views) | |
| The Eremity | Oct 2 2010, 02:54 PM Post #1 |
![]()
Vault dweller
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
At a few yards of Bucket Town, Deko was up watching the horizon looking for any sign of slavery. Deko sit up and the man start to speak: "You could do me a small favor my son?" The man asked, "It depends, what would it be?" Question Deko. "A long time ago, a small gang killed my daughter, my wife, and took my leg," the man said "What do you want me to do?" Deko asks "I'm already dying, and they do not deserve to be alive" The man takes a deep breath, Deko see the time passing, a few seconds after, he says "I will do it" Deko replies "Thank you my son ... ". The man pointed to the east and said "They're for this direction when you come back I'll be dead already, goodbye and thanks" The old man points to the latter, Deko rises and start walking for this direction. Deko soon heard a thunderous sound of shooting, he closed his eyes and thought "Good Bye Old Man, has a good life wherever you go, I'll kill these motherfuckers for you." Deko walked a few yards, when he find three tents, in the middle of they there were five men dressed in Leather Jackets whit 10mm’s are in the middle of a bonfire. But he knew that there should be more, he pulled his Hand Cannon reloaded with Gunpowder looked at the stake and shot, the fire increased instantly making several people be burned, twoo of them saw Deko but were taken by the blast of the M60, then the last two fell to the floor burned, the tents began to burn as well, and soon almost everything turned to ashes. "I think Old Man, you are vindicated" Deko whispered to himself. But before he could ever turn someone yells after him "You bitch! You did this?" Deko turned and saw a man wearing a leather armor with blue and red hair, blue eyes and with a shotgun in he hands, next to two men whit masks bearing Leather Jacket and whit 10mm's in the holsters, Deko said for they "You killed the old man... The daughter of the old man, his wife, now I come to get your soul, I am the death!" The man of the left whit Leather Jacket laughed, but soon his lifeless body fell to the floor filled with bullets, the other man pulled his 10mm and began to shoot while the Leather Armor man reloading his Shotgun, Deko block two shots with the M60 cable, and took a bullet grazed in the chest, then managed to shoot the man who fell to the ground, but soon a shotgun shoot hit his foot, he fell to the floor, the Leather Armor man shot Deko again, hitting his right arm, but soon Deko had an idea , he closed his eyes and held the breath, the man of Leather Armor approached him to collect his belongings, and took a kneel kick directly in the nose, going backwards. "You little shit! You fucked up my nose! That is not will end all right." Cried the man trying to get up, but Deko rose faster kicking the man's chest doing him fall to the ground again, "You're just a maggot. And now you will feel the fury of my hand!“ Deko begins to hit the man's face causing his nose becomes destroyed "Stop Stop!" The man began to scream, Deko destroy the man Shotgun, he began dragging the man for where the old man was sited, when they reached there, Deko sticks the man head in the old man chest that was almost completely destroyed for the shot, "You did it your garbage didn’t you?" Deko shouted in his ear, he took the man's head, pulling on the head and threw it on the ground, "Yes I did! Do not kill me please!" The man said, "I will not kill you..." Deko pulled out a cigarette and made fire with two stones from the ground, Deko shoves a cigarette in his eye "Say for excuse for all that you've taken life." Deko screams, "Never!" Deko slips the cigarette more deeply blinding the man, Deko picks up his rock and points to the dick of the man he once again yells “Say for excuse!", "Never!" Deko throws the stone at the man's Dick doing he screams and he soon discover he was crippled, "Fuck you!" Deko points the gun to the man's leg and said "Not going to ask?", "Not your garbage!" Deko, fire at the two legs of the man, until he can hear the bones being destroyed. "Now you will feel the pain of the Old Man your shit bum!" Deko turns around and goes to Bucket Town, leaving the man on the ground screaming in pain and cursing Deko. |
|
Deko, The Traveler. Asian Human Level 1 S.P.E.C.I.A.L: 9-4-8-6-4-4-5 Traits: Fast metabolism, Bruiser and Fast Shot Equipmet: Rusted MG, Hand Cannon and a rock Armor: Jumpsuit. Itens: Pack of Cigarettes x1 - Hide x1 - Small Hide x1 - Brahmin Hoof x1 | |
![]() |
|
| NobodyPro | Oct 3 2010, 04:27 PM Post #2 |
|
Octo-thing
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
OOC: Eremity, here's some advice. Whenever a different character starts to speak you start a new line, for example: "Hello Marty!" said Mary as they skipped to the market. "Hello Mary!" replied Marty "How are you?" "How are you?" is on the same line as "Hello Mary" because Marty is still speaking. This makes it easier to read and also stops you from having to say (said) (character) after every bit of speech. Hope this helps. |
|
Chris Chapman, Level: 2 S:5 P:10 E:3 C:4 I:7 A:5 L:6 Tall 34yo man, slight limp, dark bruises around eyes, wears a leather jacket, hallucinates. Bogdan "Mark" Kozlov, Level: 1 S:7 P:3 E:7 C:6 I:8 A:8 L:1 21yo Russian man, handlebar mustache, wears a suit, always tries to be the hero. I don't mind a little puppeteering of my characters | |
![]() |
|
| Run4 | Oct 7 2010, 09:08 AM Post #3 |
![]()
Iron Crow
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Okay, dude, not bad, considering English isn't your first language. Aside from what NobodyPro said above about your dialogue, you need to work on cohesion and plot. The story has this basis in killing people for some old man. Okay. Cool. But the way you went about it made the whole thing random and chaotic. It seemed very rushed, leaping awkwardly from point to point. Also, pick a tense, past or present, and stick with it. You jumped between past and present a few times in the course of your story. Spacing as well. Spread your piece out into shorter paragraphs - they're easier to read and more likely to get a grader on your side.
|
[align=center]![]()
Caleb Wolff, Level 7 Tribal Ranger. (Inventory) Jackal, Level 5 Glowing Ghoul. (Inventory)[/align] | |
![]() |
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| « Previous Topic · In the Wastes · Next Topic » |
| Theme: Zeta Original | Track Topic · E-mail Topic |
4:24 PM Jul 10
|





![]](http://z1.ifrm.com/static/1/pip_r.png)




4:24 PM Jul 10