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| An Iron of Fine Degree | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 18 2010, 06:45 PM (119 Views) | |
| Fleece | Sep 18 2010, 06:45 PM Post #1 |
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Vault idiot
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Jed marched through the wastes, his coveralls stained with sweat and dirt, along with some... less pleasant things. He stopped for a moment, too wipe a layer of sweat from his brow, and turned the tire iron over in his hand. For something from a world so imperfect, The shine and symmetry of the object was astounding. He turned it over in his gloves, examining the dent free object. It was as though the terrifying events of the nuclear apocalypse that had engulfed the world, were somehow lost on this single piece of equipment. As Jed pondered the fine iron, a soft noise, easily miss-able, came from behind. The noise, a footstep, was followed by a harder to miss, more recognizable sound: "Kick-Ass!" came the voice of the vicious attacker, followed by jeers of other raiders. That was when Jed realized what was going on. Turning to face his attackers, Jed ceased his amazement at the shiny object, and held it up without regret. A hit, a crack, and a red flash. That was the fate of the first assailant. As the other two followed up the assault, Jed followed up with an eyeful of lead pipe. Though the body kept moving, the head ceased, and fell with a plop. The last raider turned. The fight was vicious, and losing was for courageous fools. That was when the whoosh came. He turned, just in time to see the car tool turned boomerang close the gap between him and the mad wastelander. Thunk. Jed walked toward the final victim, looking to his beaten tool. Now covered with dents and blood, it wasn't any longer a perfectly preserved artifact. But still, he thought, a tool of fine degree, none the less. |
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| Zilabus | Sep 18 2010, 06:59 PM Post #2 |
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Er'ry day I'm overseein'
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What is there to say here? Expand. Build. Extend. Describe. In that order. What do I mean? I mean you need to add more depth, and more bulk. It's not as if what you've written isn't good, most of it is rather fluent and 'clean'. It's just that it doesn't have the size or description for the amount of things that happened. I was unsure of what happened for a few potions of the RP, simply because I couldn't infer or guess what was happening from the amount I was given. The simply act of travelling could have been a good post, along with another two or so for the battle with raiders. Instead, it all feels very compressed, and I leave with a feeling of no substance.
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Eli "Slim" Ambrose SPECIAL: 3, 9, 2, 7, 9, 3, 7 Level: 5 Bucket town reputation: -175 Equipment Weaponry: Molotov, Cherry bombs, Combat Knife, Laser pistol, Tack Mines, Smoke grenades, Syringes. Armor:Post-war suit Tattered leather jacket Inventory Homemade shotgun, Gumballs, Bedspread Mentats x3, Psycho x2, Jet x1, Wiskey x2, vodka 4 1/2 x Hides, 15 LSB dollars Appearance Caucasian Very tall, lanky, and slim, jet black hair in a greased into a subdued pompadore style. Dark eyes and a cleanshaven face. Brown Windowpane suit. Kelly "Featherweight" Capozzi | |
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4:24 PM Jul 10