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Confession
Topic Started: Feb 17 2018, 06:08 PM (148 Views)
Blue Collins
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Head raider
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Everqueen944
Feb 18 2018, 05:05 PM
“Yeah...wasnt the greatest first impression he gave but...”

He shut his eyes.

“Is it a foolish goal to have in this day and age, father?” Mathew asked.

“To be happy, maybe make others happy too?”

He scratched the back of his neck.

“I’d like singing, I really did. I wanna keep doing it. Is it wrong to do it? A cowardly thing to do? Blue sort of scared us, his talk of freeing slaves, I get its right, but it was so...radical. I guess it was another reason why we ran.”

He slumped his shoulders.

“And Bobo must be worried sick.”
Allen gave things some thought. "From what I know, Blue Collins can be...overzealous, afire with the passion of youth. He probably didn't realize that he scared you two. But Flame is a good person despite his first impression, yes."

A look at Matthew/Bones. "It is not a foolish goal to make others happy. If you want to sing, sing. People need to be reminded that life has joy in it as well. Bobo misses you, you know that? He wants his best singer back."

The Sulphur Priest placed his right hand on Matthew/Bones' left shoulder. "We will be there for you, or at least Flame will. He is loyal to his friends, and I wish to be like that, too. I want to be your friend, Matthew, and Bones."

Footsteps can be heard approaching; it was Flame.

"Hey, guys!" the cowboy said, "Eleanora has finished searching the place! Can we go now, back to Bucket Town?"

He looked at Matthew/Bones, "I can't wait to hear you sing again, you know that? After all, Valentines' day has just passed!"

A beaming smile from the guy.
Endymion 'Endy' Soap - Level 1

Flame Collins - Temporarily Seperate from Blue - Level 3

Shintaro Kanzaki - Level 1
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Everqueen944
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Wastelander
[ *  *  *  * ]
Bones cleared his throat.

“Still paying for requests. I don’t do freebies, even if you-ahem- saved my ass twice. Also don’t swing that way...I think. Oh for shit’s sake!”

He lowered his hat over his face to hide a blush.

“Can we just torch the place now, please?”
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_wastes/inde...?showtopic=2708
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Blue Collins
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[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Everqueen944
Feb 18 2018, 07:44 PM
Bones cleared his throat.

“Still paying for requests. I don’t do freebies, even if you-ahem- saved my ass twice. Also don’t swing that way...I think. Oh for shit’s sake!”

He lowered his hat over his face to hide a blush.

“Can we just torch the place now, please?”
"Agreed," spoke Eleanora, who, along with her minions, had looted the place. "I'll even provide the torches."

Allen nods. "You really are a woman of great resources." And with that, he would walk out of the building, gesturing to Matthew/Bones, Nuka, and Cola to follow him and Flame as they finally departed the cursed place to look for firewood; oil was too precious to use to burn the place down. Thankfully, it was a perpetually dry season and Mesquite was a very fast-growing species to the point of being invasive, so the next few hours saw plenty of twigs, planks, and even branches of dry wood gathered to be piled around the building.

And when Eleanora used a torch to finally light the piled kindling around the dusty old motel, Allen and the others went to a safe distance from any spark. The old man would then lift up his cross high into the air, and shout: "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, I abjure the curses that have engulfed this place! May the red fires destroy this foul haven of torment and death, of suffering inflicted unjustly, and the land beneath purified of the malice of men and women."

Flame bowed his head and crossed himself, and so did Tom, Dick, and Harry. Eleanora, meanwhile, contented herself with a light bow of respect as she joined the group. She would then say:

"I think we should go back to Bucket Town," in a more mild and calm tone than before.

OOC: So, think we can end the RP after one more reply?
Endymion 'Endy' Soap - Level 1

Flame Collins - Temporarily Seperate from Blue - Level 3

Shintaro Kanzaki - Level 1
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Everqueen944
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Wastelander
[ *  *  *  * ]
“Good I need a drink.” Bones said.
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_wastes/inde...?showtopic=2708
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Blue Collins
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Everqueen944
Feb 18 2018, 08:23 PM
“Good I need a drink.” Bones said.
The road to Bucket Town was not as long as it should be, but the group still needed to rest for the night. Things were uneventful, aside from some howling from coyotes/wolves/various canids, and so the members took shifts (which Matthew/Bones might join) watching for trouble that never came.

Flame would also tell the 'official story' of Blue Collins' disappearance to Matthew/Bones, the story Eleanora had told him. But as he said it, it felt as though it made less sense than before. Nevertheless, he knew enough to not show his doubts when talking to Matthew within Eleanora's earshot.

"So, we fought that Sewer Beast and defeated it without reward, but then it turns out that the Bucket Town Council became so jealous they kidnapped Blue and are holding him as a prisoner until we get in good enough with them. As in, we work for them; Allen and I. Eleanora was the one who told me this, and she's agreed to help me and Allen. For free!" Flame had subconsciously phrased this to provoke maximum suspicion, while still acting from experience instead of raw intellect. As in, Flame had learned how to phrase his words to convey his doubts without actually being more intelligent.

Allen, meanwhile, would use a latrine trip to take Matthew/Bones aside and say, "Eleanora is as fishy as a trout, do not trust her. But despite that, I don't have hard evidence that she's planning something. Nor do I know where Blue Collins really is. So, just keep your eyes and ears open. That said, I am sure she is lying about the BT Council."

Eleanora herself would speak to Matthew/Bones and speak, "You know, Bucket Town isn't actually a bad place. Perhaps you can help Flame and me help the Council from time to time? Also, don't let it slip to the Council that I know their plans. They won't appreciate it."

She was lying.

And so they returned to Bucket Town.

OOC: Should I submit the RP for judging, or you?
Endymion 'Endy' Soap - Level 1

Flame Collins - Temporarily Seperate from Blue - Level 3

Shintaro Kanzaki - Level 1
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Everqueen944
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Wastelander
[ *  *  *  * ]
(Go ahead)
http://z3.invisionfree.com/The_wastes/inde...?showtopic=2708
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lonesomedrifter
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Sexual Magneto
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I always enjoy tags like this, where two characters just have a chat and we get to know more about them. This tag was more enjoyable and interesting than your previous one, as the focus on dialogue played to both of your strengths. But I do have some stuff to say about this, so pull up a chair, crack open a room temperature one and let's get grading.

A problem I have with the opening posts is that I get no sense of place, you mention looting the motel from your previous tag, but I don't get any sense of where you are in relation to it in the first few posts, are you inside or outside? in a room? in a reception area? what does it look like, what's there? This was somewhat fixed in later posts that gave a bit more description, but left me a bit lost at first.

A lot of these posts were very dialogue heavy. Characters don't do much while they talk and it makes them come across as very static and unmoving, and little movements or character actions can add more to the scene and give a better sense of character. Long dialogue scenes like this can drag on when written like this so I suggest adding in a bit more of other types of writing (description, internal thought, etc) to break up the monotony and give everything more flavour and more character. BCs later posts broke up the dialogue a bit more and had a bit more meat to them, but the RP overall felt lacking in this area. Personally, I find lengthy dialogue scenes work better when the characters are 'doing' something while they chat, say for instance in this rp, Mat/Bones and Allen could've been gathering firewood to torch the building while having this chat, it'd give you more action and meat to break up chunks of dialogue.

Also, do Mat and Bones talk to each other out loud, or does some of it take place internally? I found it hard to tell in this, as all the dialogue was in speech marks. This might have been intended, but if some of the dialogue is meant to be internal I suggest using different formatting to set it apart from the normal dialogue, like italics.

Dialogue is one of both of your strengths. I found the confession angle interesting and the chat wasn't meaningless and had meat to it and developed both your characters. Both characters dialogue felt in character for them, which is really good, kudos to both of you.

Another problem I had was that we didn't get into Mat/Bones head enough, the short snippy almost entirely dialogue filled posts kept us at a distance from him when an RP like this should be really getting inside that noggin and digging around. You can get a lot from a character through how their react to their environment, what they think about things, their actions and movements. Getting deeper into this would really flesh him out more.

And now onto the nitty gritty small gripes:

"neither of them, no matter how desperate, weren't about to kill a man of God."

Here 'weren't' should be changed to 'were' to avoid the double negative.

"Let me through. I need to do something."

Bones mentally pushed him back.

"And let you get us killed, hell no."


I would format this line differently, move it after Bones dialogue. The formatting confused me as to who was speaking the next line and I had to re-read to figure it out.


"Yes, I do. Confession clears the heart and soul, and is an outlet for guilt and a call for absolution. My child, what do you seek forgiveness for?"

Solid dialogue, in character.

"I say this; live." Allen then halted.

That part can be cut, we can assume Allen stops talking then.

Bones stiffened.

"I just wanna go home. My life was simple." Mathew murmured.

"I miss her. I loved her."

"Well she's dead!" Bones snapped.

"We don't know-"

"We know! You are just too thick headed to remember!"


This section could've been a really big emotional moment, but with nothing apart from dialogue and dialogue tags, it feels so bare and we don't get to see what Mat/Bones are doing with these lines or really feel them. For example,

"I miss her. I loved her." Mathew said, looking away from the priest so he couldn't see the tears begin to well up in his eyes.

If 'Mary' was dead and Bones knew, what did it point to? Did it mean that one personality kept secrets from the other, which was repressing his memories? If so, what did this mean?

Now I'm on the fence about this little bit of thought, I'm glad for it being there to break up the dialogue, but it feels like it reiterates information the reader already has without adding more.

The wind was blowing into the hotel; Flame and the others were still looting the place, probably with Eleanora making preparations to increase her reputation as a Bucket Town heroine. Allen still had plenty of time, time to find another sentence.

Here we finally get some description of the setting, and a little exposition, a break from the dialogue.

The main reason why we know Blue

Personal preference, but I'd lose the 'why' here.

“If you must know, little Mat has anger issues. He has killed men with his bare hands. The main reason why we know Blue is because we breezed into town with busted fingers and he was the only thing close to a doctor. Only thing that can calm him down is jet.”

Now I like this little bit of dialogue, we start to get a bit of a voice and tone difference between Bones and Mat.

He grabbed his fallened canteen

Should be fallen.

War Never Changes

Nice sneaking in the series tagline, but I wouldn't capitalise it.

As usual, the truth is more complicated. There was a company named Vault-Tec that made a 'Garden of Eden Creation Kit', but said kit merely contained fertilizers, seeds, and supposedly a cold fusion reactor, but that last part is easier to doubt. It also contained a small library of holotapes that gave information about technology, about medicine, about science.

I know we spoke in the chat and you gave reasoning for this line but I still want to point it out that the GECK is not really super common knowledge within the wasteland, very few people know about it and what it actually does and contain.

Valentines' day has just passed!"

How does he know the date?

But overall, this was a solid improvement from your previous tags and I look forward to seeing you do more and improve more.


Now onto those tasty rewards:
Quote:
 
EQ

LEVEL UP!

A Weight off Your Chest - Mat/Bones is relieved after his short confession, and feels like a weight has been lifted off him. +1 Charisma, +1 Luck for the next 3 RPs

BC

Rubber Armour (Tier 1 GC): Found in the stock room covered in mysterious blood stains, covers the waist, forearms and shins.

Homemade Double Barrel (Tier 1 Bad Condition): This rusty old hunk of junk was used by Motel Monster in one of its traps and could've quite easily taken your life if someone hadn't taken care of it, unfortunately due to its poor construction, lack of maintenance and being torn down from the trap, it could do with some work.


Edited by lonesomedrifter, Feb 20 2018, 10:46 PM.
Edward Fairfax The III
Level: 2
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Armour:Crude Post-War formal outfit, Breaking Bad Chem Suit
Weapons: The Phazer, Lead Pipe, Golden Glory (Tier 1 GC Revolver)
Inventory: Courtroom Lunch, Afterburner Gum, Bricklayer's Fan Package

Rebecca Delacroix
Level: 2
SPECIAL: 7.8.4.8.4.4.5
Armour: Duster Coat
Weapons: Homemade Shotgun, Hatchet
Perks: Guardian Angel
Misc: Medicine Bottle (Mixed), Blonde Wig
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