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1 in 2 marriages....
Topic Started: Nov 18 2009, 03:25 PM (569 Views)
Mariele
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I have just found out that my friend is getting a divorce two years after her £50,000 wedding. They were married a year and split, have spent a year in councilling and now they have decided to divorce. I just don't understand it.

1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. Does that mean a) people don’t work hard enough at marriages anymore? b) people get married too quickly these days or c) it doesn’t mean anything anymore…

Mariele
www.illustrationsbymariele.com
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BeatleBarb
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Well, I'm 0 for 2 and at least I had the sense to quit several years ago. Don't know the answer, but in my case it was straight forward "no choice" but to get out. I was much too passive about how I even got married -just fell into it and I don't choose well.

Sorry to hear about your friends.
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A day in the life
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Probably a combination of things. It's sad though.

But then I see the opposite side of the coin as well, such as my folks who just celebrated their 30th wedding
anniversary.
We all wanna change the world.
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Cleo
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When you date someone is one thing, it's all flowers, both give their best only. When you marry, you see the person the way she is. The good side you already know, the bad side you will know after the marriage and sometimes the bad side is very bad. I think people should live together before getting married. If after 3 years sharing the same air everything is still great, then you found THE ONE. The ones celebrating their 30th wedding are a minority. You have to be blind, very tolerant and have no opinion if you want to stay married. This is what I think. My first year was great. Things changed a lot after the first year. People think things will be different with them. Things won't be different. Love is not enough to keep two people together. Financial stability is very important.

It's easy to love someone who is nice all the time. Its hard to love a b*tch who complains 24 hours/day.
Edited by Cleo, Nov 18 2009, 08:38 PM.
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Queenbee
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I would say a combination of the two. Do you really think the folks who are married for 20 years plus never had a nasty month or months? Marriages that last have learned that marriage is a give and take. Somedays, your giving 100% or they may be giving 100% ~ or 90/10 ~30/70. Marriages that make t through the hard times are the ones that are strong, the hard times keeps adding to the foundation. Any one can get married and divorce as soon as things get hard. But it's the ones who learned to stick it out (minus abuse) and learn to work at it are the lucky ones. Some people think the grass is greener on the other side. You need to respect, trust and love each other. Somedays you may have a reason not to trust or respect your significant other, but, you learn to work at making the relationship right, because you still love each other.

It took me 3 times to get it right and learn life lessons. I was married at 16, almost 17, not pregnant but during the Viet-Nam era (1968) where you were immediately drafted into the Army or you signed up. But if you were married, you where one notch up before getting drafted.

Third marriage ~ 19 years working on 20 ~ :clap: :yahoo:

PEACE and love to my friends, Judy

When the Power of Love over comes the Love of Power, the world will know Peace.
-Sri Chinmnoy Ghose

Till me meet again ~ I Love you Mike! You were one of a kind.
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ohnotjimagain
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I think it's all three. To spend £50,000 on a wedding is, unless they are very rich, is stupid. I can imagine money problems there.

I celebrated my 30th anniversary last July. It's a case of give and take, and when I was working we only saw each other for a few hours in the evening. Now I don't work it's 24 hours. At first we argued a lot being around each other a lot and me upsetting her routine, but now it's all sorted and we get on well. (Most of the time).

With every mistake we must surely be learning.
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beatlechick
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In Paul's Arms!
Cleo
Nov 18 2009, 08:33 PM
When you date someone is one thing, it's all flowers, both give their best only. When you marry, you see the person the way she is. The good side you already know, the bad side you will know after the marriage and sometimes the bad side is very bad. I think people should live together before getting married. If after 3 years sharing the same air everything is still great, then you found THE ONE. The ones celebrating their 30th wedding are a minority. You have to be blind, very tolerant and have no opinion if you want to stay married. This is what I think. My first year was great. Things changed a lot after the first year. People think things will be different with them. Things won't be different. Love is not enough to keep two people together. Financial stability is very important.

It's easy to love someone who is nice all the time. Its hard to love a b*tch who complains 24 hours/day.
And to flip the coin, it's hard to love a b*stard with anger issues 24/7! You can't generalize others when it's happened to you. Not all people are b*tches or b*stards. My brother was a b*stard to his ex-wife, and lord knows he has baaaaaaaad anger issues, but she was a b*tch to him at times. My ex-boyfriend was married to a woman with a bipolar condition and they lived together for a few years (I think 10) before marrying. Having lived with him I can see the flip side of that coin. He is a very nice man but has a lot of anger issues, too.

Mariele, sometimes people don't see what the other person is really like until they're married. You can live together for many many years but for some people being married just doesn't work. No reasons why, just isn't in the cards.

Judy and Jim, congratulations on finding the right person and still loving. Not always an easy job. People can sometimes do one but not the other.
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A day in the life
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OK, well my parents are quite opinionated.

I agree with you Cleo about financial stability being important; but then it hasn't been in my parents' case a lot of the time over the last twenty years and somehow, despite the stress and many problems that seriously would make a good movie, somehow they made it through.

For me dating isn't about flowers etc. I couldn't care less about that. It is about getting to know someone as a person, really getting to know them. See how they are around other people, find out what they think etc. So yeah, rushing into marriage- probably not a good idea.
We all wanna change the world.
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beatlespud
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I'm hoping I'm getting it right the 2nd time around... I think I am...





Dean
Save the whales, collect the entire set!!!
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Kit_Kat
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Lennon's Mummy xx
I think it`s a combination of all 3. I`m happily married (most of the time) but hey you have to work at it
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This can be summed up in one word - organised crime
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Gary
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"It's not just a loving machine / It won't work out, if you don't work at it" - Paul McCartney

Simple but true, I think. It' a must, eventually, and when one or the other does not want to work at it as hard as the other there will be problems. It's a matter of communication - giving and taking. Friction can be a good thing, but it's a matter of both people understanding the friction at the time. Still, the foundation has to be love - that's the cornerstone, and bond that ties.
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Old Brown Shoe
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Marriage is hard work.Things change the minute you sign the papers.You don't get married to change someone.if you dont like something about them dont marry them,My marriage has had alot of ups and downs but in spite of that i love her and i cant see myself with anyone else.She told me she wanted a divorce a few weeks ago and im torn about it.Being single after all these years is scaring me to death.I'd have to rediscover myself again.Shes being flippant about it :( One minute she wants a divorce the next she doesnt.
Rest in Peace Mom!!!!4/7/38-2/8/09 I Miss You!!!
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Queenbee
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Old Brown Shoe
Dec 4 2009, 10:01 PM
Marriage is hard work.Things change the minute you sign the papers.You don't get married to change someone.if you dont like something about them dont marry them,My marriage has had alot of ups and downs but in spite of that i love her and i cant see myself with anyone else.She told me she wanted a divorce a few weeks ago and im torn about it.Being single after all these years is scaring me to death.I'd have to rediscover myself again.Shes being flippant about it :( One minute she wants a divorce the next she doesnt.
Change of life for her as in menopause??? Divorce is never fun, even when you want one.

PEACE and love to my friends, Judy

When the Power of Love over comes the Love of Power, the world will know Peace.
-Sri Chinmnoy Ghose

Till me meet again ~ I Love you Mike! You were one of a kind.
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Old Brown Shoe
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Queenbee
Dec 4 2009, 11:03 PM
Old Brown Shoe
Dec 4 2009, 10:01 PM
Marriage is hard work.Things change the minute you sign the papers.You don't get married to change someone.if you dont like something about them dont marry them,My marriage has had alot of ups and downs but in spite of that i love her and i cant see myself with anyone else.She told me she wanted a divorce a few weeks ago and im torn about it.Being single after all these years is scaring me to death.I'd have to rediscover myself again.Shes being flippant about it :( One minute she wants a divorce the next she doesnt.
Change of life for her as in menopause??? Divorce is never fun, even when you want one.
Judy I just ment that after we got married alot of things changed . She isnt going thru the change yet.Lol I think thats a few years away. Weve grown apart and dont have the same goals or dreams anymore.
Rest in Peace Mom!!!!4/7/38-2/8/09 I Miss You!!!
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ogoble
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What is really tough to take is when you find out things about your partner that you never knew before...things that can really mess with your mind and your perception of your partner. But, if you love that person, you can work through anything no matter how much the truth hurts.
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BeatleBarb
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I've always been torn by the sentiment that "love is all you need". I've become jaded and don't believe it much anymore. If so much work is required to stay in love, to stay in that relationship, to constantly work on problems, I don't think it is a worthy relationship. Not that I don't believe in love, but it may be time to love yourself enough to move on and find love elsewhere.
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Monkey Chow
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beep beep m beep beep yeah
BeatleBarb
Dec 7 2009, 03:43 PM
I've always been torn by the sentiment that "love is all you need". I've become jaded and don't believe it much anymore. If so much work is required to stay in love, to stay in that relationship, to constantly work on problems, I don't think it is a worthy relationship. Not that I don't believe in love, but it may be time to love yourself enough to move on and find love elsewhere.
How about love is all you need but it won't necessarily keep you married? I've been married a long time and hope to stay that way. Unfortunately, I see bad marriages every day through my legal career. I don't like divorce but some people sure need them.
Everybody's got something to hide 'cept for me and my monkey.
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Cleo
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It's ironic that love can't keep a marriage isn't it? I still think that people are not 100% honest about themselves when they are dating that's why when they get married they regret. It's always the same: "You've changed a lot. You're not the man/woman I fell in love with". No, the person didn't change, you just didn't have time to meet the bad side of your loved one. Everybody has a wonderfull and evil side. People show the good one when they want to conquer someone.
I show my bad side first, the drama queen, selfish, spoiled, angry, arrogant, the evil in person. The problem is, some guys like my bad side and when I show my good side, I turn them off. I am flirting with one guy and everytime I am nice, he treats me like crap. When I am rude and mean, he is full of love to give.

Sometimes two people who are very alike can have troubles too because they can become brother and sister at home.

I think when a relationship doesn't work since the begining, it will never work. Don't fight for it, it will hurt but it will hurt more to break up in the future.

There are many people who met in high school and are still married and will stay married forever. No one had to sacrifice anything for the other. It just happened, it had to be that's why it was so easy, that's why it works.

I am starting to believe that everything that comes easy in life last longer. When I find myself having to fight for something, I know that one day I will get tired and I will give up. I will look back and think "What a waste of time!"

Marriage is lottery. Not all people will "win", it doesn't mean they are losers. Some people are not made for marriage. Marriage is society's creation. People don't have to marry because the society said so.

I have no plans to marry unless the marriage happens spontaneously, without sacrifices.
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A day in the life
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Cleo
Dec 8 2009, 08:57 AM
I am starting to believe that everything that comes easy in life last longer. When I find myself having to fight for something, I know that one day I will get tired and I will give up. I will look back and think "What a waste of time!"

You might have a point there. I'm starting to feel this way, when it comes to relationships/ dating at least.

If you need to work so hard to impress someone or get someone to like you, (which doesn't really work anyway), or if it's such a huge effort to even find one thing in common with someone- it will never work. I've experienced the latter.. and it just made me very jaded and tired of the whole concept of 'dating' for a very long time.

But then sometimes things come to you when you don't expect it and are entirely opposite to that.

We all wanna change the world.
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wackadoo
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Marriage is a heck of a lot of work. I've been through my share of problems but when I stopped looking at my spouse with such a critical eye and looked at what I needed to work on with myself, my marriage began to get better. Also, when you come close to losing someone you took for granted, everything changes and your perspectives change.
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RIP Steve. I love and miss you.
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