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The Hymen; "Popping the Cherry"
Topic Started: Jan 9 2009, 01:57 AM (1,543 Views)
ogoble
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:sweet: Is it such a big deal that a girl save it for marriage?
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Girls shouldn't save it at all. :no:
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doris mendlovitz
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Well sometimes girls want that first time to be meaningful and more than just a romp in the hay.
love doris.
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Merry
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Olen, I'm surprised that you would ask that question.

Let me ask you this...do you feel that virginity is an onus that needs to be ridden of, as soon as possible? Would you think about it this way when it comes to your daughter?


:) Merry


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ogoble
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Merry
Jan 9 2009, 02:41 AM
Olen, I'm surprised that you would ask that question.

Let me ask you this...do you feel that virginity is an onus that needs to be ridden of, as soon as possible? Would you think about it this way when it comes to your daughter?


:) Merry
I am just curious about other members view about the importance of this symbol of virginity in many cultures.

Personally, I have never "popped" a girl's cherry.

As for my daughter, I prefer she wait until she's at least 30 years old and married.
:yes:
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maccascruff
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ogoble
Jan 9 2009, 03:06 AM
As for my daughter, I prefer she wait until she's at least 30 years old and married.[/color] :yes:
Sounds like a father to me!
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ogoble
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doris mendlovitz
Jan 9 2009, 02:23 AM
Well sometimes girls want that first time to be meaningful and more than just a romp in the hay.
love doris.
:-/ So, losing it to the finger of a guy, you barely know, in the cab of his pickup truck, is out of the question?
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Merry
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Oh, okay! :)

I'm sorry, I misunderstood your intent, but now I understand.
I thought you were advocating it because your initial post sounded a bit flip.

Glad that I was wrong! ;)

:) Merry


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ogoble
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Merry
Jan 9 2009, 03:26 AM
Oh, okay! :)

I'm sorry, I misunderstood your intent, but now I understand.
I thought you were advocating it because your initial post sounded a bit flip.

Glad that I was wrong! ;)

:) Merry
I'm very interested on how special this symbol of virginity is to girls...or is it considered to be not such a big thing?

Curiosity's got me.
:ponder:
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ogoble
Jan 9 2009, 03:06 AM
Merry
Jan 9 2009, 02:41 AM
Olen, I'm surprised that you would ask that question.

Let me ask you this...do you feel that virginity is an onus that needs to be ridden of, as soon as possible? Would you think about it this way when it comes to your daughter?


:) Merry
I am just curious about other members view about the importance of this symbol of virginity in many cultures.

Personally, I have never "popped" a girl's cherry.

As for my daughter, I prefer she wait until she's at least 30 years old and married.
:yes:
Virginity is a very complicated thing. When you marry virgin, after some years of marriage you feel curious about other men and maybe you can cheat, if the relationship with the husband is not good, that's why I think virginity is not a good thing. And I'm from A catholic country, my mother grew up in a nun school, she was always very catholic and for her sex was dirty. She changed a lot, thanks God.
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Magical Mystery Girl
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I think it all depends on what the individual feels is right. I wish I'd waited a while longer for my first. I respect people for chosing to wait, but don't think it's healthy if it's not out of their own will. I don't think sex is something to be abused either though. I know out of my personal experience, that i've become extremely picky about my partners. The body is a temple, right? I think it's crucial to teach our children about moderation and safety, just like with everything else in life.
Edited by Magical Mystery Girl, Jan 9 2009, 04:42 AM.
"What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly." - Lao Tzu
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doris mendlovitz
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ogoble
Jan 9 2009, 03:18 AM
doris mendlovitz
Jan 9 2009, 02:23 AM
Well sometimes girls want that first time to be meaningful and more than just a romp in the hay.
love doris.
:-/ So, losing it to the finger of a guy, you barely know, in the cab of his pickup truck, is out of the question?
Yea that would be correct If I don;'t know the guy that well sorry charlie
love doris.
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Dorfliedot
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Well, I am defended. I am a virgin. and, I think you should wait until marriage.
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Kit_Kat
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I waited until I was ready, I wasn't married but looking back I wish i'd waited them 9 months until I met Paul but I obviously didn't know I was going to meet him. I'm glad I waited and lose it to someone I really loved and who loved me back
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JeffLynnesBeard
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Although there have been "success stories", I don't believe in abstenience before marriage. I believe that sexual tension, desire and even lust can play too much of a part in wanting to be with someone and that, once those highly-charged feelings start to plateau, it is then when you really see whether the person you want to be with is the person you want to be with. In other words, waiting for that moment when you finally get to express physical love could easily cloud your judgement when it comes to compatibility of personality.

Is virginity important? Yes and no. I think that it is a state of mind, a time when you feel 'unsullied' by the act of sex. However, most people who I have spoken to about sex didn't actually feel that much different, in themselves, afterwards apart from a slight sense of euphoria that they'd actually 'done it'. What I do think is important is that your first time should be meaningful, with someone who you intend to be with for the forseeable future, or at least someone who you believe that you are going to be with indefinitely.

The saddest stories I have heard (apart from those where there were acts of abuse and/or force) have been those who gave up their virginity in a drunken one night stand and, more often than not, that one indiscretion can lead to a poor sexual state of mind, where they feel devalued and cheap. That one encounter often leads to other similar encounters - losing respect for yourself is a terrible thing. Then again, there are those who give themselves and their bodies freely without any guilt or without any loss of strength or respect for themselves. I believe those people are rare.

As for the hymen, it is definitely important in some cultures where chastity before marriage is mandatory as hymen reconstructive surgery has become very popular, so that a bride can 'prove' her virginity on her wedding night. Even women who have lost their hymen in a non-sexual way, such as horse riding or through insertion of tampons, have felt the fear of such social stigma that they have paid to have a hymen reconstructed. To me, such a procedure is unnecessary and very sad, not only because these women feel they have to do this, but because that is already a marriage built upon a lie and, although I am not the strongest advocate of marriage, I do believe that it has to be built on a foundation of truth and honesty.
...and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
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BikerLikeAnIcon
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I think virginity is very important. I do agree that saving it for marriage may not be the best idea since curiosity might lead one to stray and test the waters elsewhere.

I lost mine to a guy who was and still is my first love. I don't regret it.

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Yes, I am also waiting until I find a nice girl. :no: :rofl: :yes:
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ogoble
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BikerLikeAnIcon
Jan 9 2009, 02:24 PM

I lost mine to a guy who was and still is my first love. I don't regret it.

That's kinda an example of an answer I'd like to hear. I'd really like to know more about women's feelings on how they look at it symbolically. I also want to know if women feel that it's a special thing. And when they lost it ("popping the cherry"), was it a momentous event in their life.
I know some women aren't born with them and sometimes lose them through non-sexual acts, such as horse-riding or through insertion of tampons as Andy said.
If you answer is too personal to broadcast, but care to share it with me through a PM, I would appreciate it.
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BlueMolly2009
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My hyman broke when I had my papsmear when I was 18. I remember the doctor saying it sometimes happens. But I didn't lose my virginity until WAAAAY later. :p
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temptresss
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it's the ole "i wonder how many girls here have done it yet" trick. :devil:
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~LovelyRita~

I always told myself I'd wait for love..... and I realized last week that I'd found it.

It was still a big decision for me though; I don't see sex before marriage as a moral wrong, but it has many practical complications. The last thing I want right now (less than two days before leaving for an internship in Switzerland) is to become pregnant, so I made sure that multiple contraception methods were used.

To me sex is an emotional as much as a physical experience, so I'm glad my first time was with someone I love and trust even if I don't end up spending the rest of my life with him.
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~LovelyRita~

In a better response to your question Olen, I didn't feel any symbolic connection to my virginity. Losing it wasn't a particularly "momentous" event for me, and I feel no different post-virginity.

That being said, I do believe that the act of sex itself is a big deal, but I don't understand why "the first time" is more important than any other time. Sex is a big deal no matter how many times you've engaged in it; it's an important physical and emotional experience that should never be taken lightly. Sex is also risky, and no matter what kind of contraception you use there's always a chance of pregnancy in heterosexual relationships. The person you're with should understand this risk and be there for support should pregnancy occur, whatever decision the woman decides to make.
Edited by ~LovelyRita~, Jan 10 2009, 01:03 AM.
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I don't understand why virginity and hymen are so important. It's just a piece of skin.

People prefer to lose it with the man they love because of the pain?

I married virgin. My honeymoon was hell. After 2 months married, finally I lost it. I almost died of pain. I love my husband but I don't think is fair that he had other experiences and I didn't.
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~LovelyRita~

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Jan 10 2009, 01:00 AM
I don't understand why virginity and hymen are so important. It's just a piece of skin.

People prefer to lose it with the man they love because of the pain?
I wanted to lose it to someone I loved because the emotional connection I have with him made the experience much more enjoyable. Maybe I'm an exception, but I honestly didn't find it very painful at all.
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Monkey Chow
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beep beep m beep beep yeah
Let's see, I was 19, Bonnie was 21. She said she was a virgin and I know I was. I was in love and she said she was but who knows? It was a long time ago...A year later she married some other dude...
Edited by Monkey Chow, Jan 10 2009, 02:39 AM.
Everybody's got something to hide 'cept for me and my monkey.
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maccascruff
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I lost mine to my first love so very long ago. He was always moving after I came to Colorado and would call my parents to get my phone number because he had lost it and I wasn't listed. When my parents retired, they moved and I have never heard from him again.

For me, it didn't hurt. Don't know if that was because I was such a tomboy or why. Hurt more as I became menopausal.
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ogoble
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Jan 10 2009, 01:00 AM
I love my husband but I don't think is fair that he had other experiences and I didn't.
Does it ever make you wonder if he ever mentally compares sex with you to sex he had with other women?

I do admit, it hurts my male ego at times to hear my wife describe how much bigger a former lover's manhood was than mine (BTW, I am of slightly more than average length) or hearing how a certain guy really knew how to use his tongue in a particular region of her body.
Edited by ogoble, Jan 10 2009, 03:47 AM.
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JeffLynnesBeard
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ogoble
Jan 10 2009, 03:45 AM
(BTW, I am of slightly more than average length)
This gets filed under "too much information"! :rofl:
...and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
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ogoble
Jan 10 2009, 03:45 AM
Love Sculpture
Jan 10 2009, 01:00 AM
I love my husband but I don't think is fair that he had other experiences and I didn't.
Does it ever make you wonder if he ever mentally compares sex with you to sex he had with other women?

Yes!!!! That's why I wish I had some experiences before the marriage and I admit I'm curious about other men and he knows. He still treats me like a pure virgin. :wacko:
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Five and three quarters. :whistle:
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FamousGroupie
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I lost mine to the love of my life when I was fifteen. He was eighteen and we were going to get married. I bled a little (TMI, Andy? :P ), but it was magic at the time.

Two years later, it all went up in smoke.
I don't believe in Bondi. I don't believe in rugby league. I believe in Yoko, John Lennon, the Lost Weekend and me.
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maccascruff
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I would never verbalize any comparisons that I may be thinking.
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ogoble
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maccascruff
Jan 10 2009, 06:44 PM
I would never verbalize any comparisons that I may be thinking.
So you do make comparisons.... :yes:
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beatlechick
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~LovelyRita~
Jan 10 2009, 01:05 AM
Love Sculpture
Jan 10 2009, 01:00 AM
I don't understand why virginity and hymen are so important. It's just a piece of skin.

People prefer to lose it with the man they love because of the pain?
I wanted to lose it to someone I loved because the emotional connection I have with him made the experience much more enjoyable. Maybe I'm an exception, but I honestly didn't find it very painful at all.
I absolutely agree with you and Lisa. Your virginity should be lost to someone that you love and have no regrets losing it to. Not having a cherry to pop in the first place, if I did it popped in childhood, it wasn't a momentous occasion but it was a huge moment in my life when I lost my virginity to someone I love and not to some Tom, Dick, or Harry.

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ogoble
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beatlechick
Jan 10 2009, 08:54 PM
~LovelyRita~
Jan 10 2009, 01:05 AM
Love Sculpture
Jan 10 2009, 01:00 AM
I don't understand why virginity and hymen are so important. It's just a piece of skin.

People prefer to lose it with the man they love because of the pain?
I wanted to lose it to someone I loved because the emotional connection I have with him made the experience much more enjoyable. Maybe I'm an exception, but I honestly didn't find it very painful at all.
I absolutely agree with you and Lisa. Your virginity should be lost to someone that you love and have no regrets losing it to. Not having a cherry to pop in the first place, if I did it popped in childhood, it wasn't a momentous occasion but it was a huge moment in my life when I lost my virginity to someone I love and not to some Tom, Dick, or Harry.

I'm glad my name's not Tom, Dick, or Harry... :giggle:
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Queenbee
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I lost my virginity a few months to man i married and had 2 children with. It wasn't a big deal in the sense that I was no longer a virgin. I remember me asking him if I was hurting him when *HE* came. We've had some good chuckles over that now. I think you have to be mature enough to realize your hormones are mature in your teens but emotionally you are not mature enough for sex. Even when I was married soooo young I didn't appreciate sex at all.



PEACE and love to my friends, Judy

When the Power of Love over comes the Love of Power, the world will know Peace.
-Sri Chinmnoy Ghose

Till me meet again ~ I Love you Mike! You were one of a kind.
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maccascruff
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ogoble
Jan 10 2009, 08:14 PM
maccascruff
Jan 10 2009, 06:44 PM
I would never verbalize any comparisons that I may be thinking.
So you do make comparisons.... :yes:
Yes. :blush: And I've found that sex has changed as we've aged. Maybe menopause and it's problems?
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Sex is so over-rated. I used to complain if i wasn't getting it every night, but now I complain if I have to perform more than once or twice a week. :P
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temptresss
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with a 23 year old girlfriend, lapislee, that's what you're gonna get. :rofl:
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theonlyfab4fan
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I AM THE BIGGEST JOHN FAN!
Is it just me or does anyone else find this thread sexist and in poor taste?

Sorry to be such a party popper.
You say you want to save humanity but it`s people that you just can`t stand
John came to me in a dream and this is what he said. "I had a vision of a man on a flaming pie, and he told me that Betsy with a B not Lisa with a L is the biggest fan of mine". John trumps 'the boss' !

I WAS ROBBED BY THAT DEVIL WOMAN

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mspeel 007
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What a topic!!!!!! :P I was 19....& he was CUTE!!!!!!!!! :yes:
[AND IN THE END.....THE LOVE YOU TAKE...IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE
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temptresss
Jan 11 2009, 07:30 PM
with a 23 year old girlfriend, lapislee, that's what you're gonna get. :rofl:
My ex-gf was 39, but my next-gf is in her 20's. :cry:
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doris mendlovitz
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For some of us not all such occassions was such a pleasant experience. Others that was not taken by consent which makes it a very bad memory that one wishes to forget
love doris.,
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JeffLynnesBeard
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theonlyfab4fan
Jan 11 2009, 10:27 PM
Is it just me or does anyone else find this thread sexist and in poor taste?

Sorry to be such a party popper.
You know, thinking about it, it is a tad sexist. Olen asked the question about if it was such a big deal for a girl - why just for a girl? Should it be any different for a man as it is for a woman? It possibly is, but it is a good point you make, Betsy.

As for poor taste, the thread is what the contributors make it. If the subject isn't to your taste then, of course, you don't have to read or contribute. ;)
...and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
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theonlyfab4fan
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I AM THE BIGGEST JOHN FAN!
JeffLynnesBeard
Jan 12 2009, 12:01 AM
theonlyfab4fan
Jan 11 2009, 10:27 PM
Is it just me or does anyone else find this thread sexist and in poor taste?

Sorry to be such a party popper.
You know, thinking about it, it is a tad sexist. Olen asked the question about if it was such a big deal for a girl - why just for a girl? Should it be any different for a man as it is for a woman? It possibly is, but it is a good point you make, Betsy.

As for poor taste, the thread is what the contributors make it. If the subject isn't to your taste then, of course, you don't have to read or contribute. ;)
You are quite right Andy. However I can`t help but see the subject line everytime I open this forum. I believe a nicer euphemism could have been used.
You say you want to save humanity but it`s people that you just can`t stand
John came to me in a dream and this is what he said. "I had a vision of a man on a flaming pie, and he told me that Betsy with a B not Lisa with a L is the biggest fan of mine". John trumps 'the boss' !

I WAS ROBBED BY THAT DEVIL WOMAN

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Bill
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I think at least part of Olen's original point was the double-standards between male and female virginity and it kind of got sidetracked into another "when did you lose it?" discussion.
Put a puppet on it.
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ogoble
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theonlyfab4fan
Jan 11 2009, 10:27 PM
Sorry to be such a party popper.
:P Party Popper or Cherry Popper?

Men do not have a hymen. I was wondering if women (that have them) look at it as a special thing and something momentous when finally given up. I'm not focusing too much on losing one's virginity...just the hymen.
;)
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theonlyfab4fan
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I AM THE BIGGEST JOHN FAN!
Olen it wasn`t my intention to turn your thread into a rant. I just happen to find it offensive to refer to a womans hymen(however it may be lost) as popping a cherry. I just thought since you intended this to be a serious thread that a better term could have used.
You say you want to save humanity but it`s people that you just can`t stand
John came to me in a dream and this is what he said. "I had a vision of a man on a flaming pie, and he told me that Betsy with a B not Lisa with a L is the biggest fan of mine". John trumps 'the boss' !

I WAS ROBBED BY THAT DEVIL WOMAN

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ogoble
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Betsy, I was just using the slang term...maybe I should have subtitled it "How important is it to you?"
:ponder:
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ogoble
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:sweet:

Girls,
Do you feel that it's a special thing to be given up to that special guy?
or just an annoyance?

Guys,
Is it a thrill knowing that you were the one that broke a girl's hymen?
or was it just an annoyance?
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ogoble
Apr 9 2009, 04:57 PM
:sweet:

Girls,
Do you feel that it's a special thing to be given up to that special guy?
or just an annoyance?

Guys,
Is it a thrill knowing that you were the one that broke a girl's hymen?
or was it just an annoyance?
I think it's just skin, something material and not necessary. ^_^
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Queenbee
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Something special and men shouldn't be pushy about having sex with a girl when he knows she's a virgin. Let her be the one to decide when the right time is Be a man being respectful to her wishes.

PEACE and love to my friends, Judy

When the Power of Love over comes the Love of Power, the world will know Peace.
-Sri Chinmnoy Ghose

Till me meet again ~ I Love you Mike! You were one of a kind.
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Bill
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What I care about most is whether I love her and she loves me.

Obsessing over an ancillary piece of anatomy is unhealthy. It could be broken by horse riding or a medical procedure. So what?
Put a puppet on it.
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ogoble
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Bill
Apr 9 2009, 05:19 PM
What I care about most is whether I love her and she loves me.

Obsessing over an ancillary piece of anatomy is unhealthy. It could be broken by horse riding or a medical procedure. So what?
What if it was broken by some guy's finger in a pickup truck and she was the girl that you were engaged to at the time. Yet, she swears that she only just got caught up in the moment, but still really loves you. Other than a trust issue, would you feel cheated out of a special moment in her life that should have been shared with the person she was getting married to?

Also, how would you feel emotionally, if the guy in the pickup truck runs into you 25 years later at a get together and jokingly boasts about the night he "popped your wife's cherry" in his truck while you were engaged?

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Andy
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Ouch. In more ways than one.

I suspect that what hurts the most is the fact that something has been kept from you for so long and the betrayal. Keeping information from someone is exactly the same as lying, in my book.

If she'd have been honest with you, I'm sure it would have hurt at the time, but it would have been something you would have got over within weeks. The hurt of such a long-standing deception will obviously stay with you for a long time, but I hope that you are both able to move on from this.

The "special moment" that you feel as if you should have shared with her really is secondary. You were her first in every way that counts, despite this shattering of something you thought was sacred between the two of you. It's a horrible thing for you to have to face after such a long time, but you've shared so much together since. I hope it isn't something that will blight your future lives - you both deserve more.



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Queenbee
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If I was to compare the incident in a pick up truck to the actual act, the first time to me would be the actual sexual act, not the the pick up truck petting. To me that was heavy petting. What you had was special and I would leave it at that. Sometimes people don't say things when their younger because their embarrassed by what happened. Him popping back into her life, sometimes one might wonder, "what if" we got together. She's with YOU and remember is it worth it, to let this schmuck gain control of your marriage? Not worth it. The guy sounds like a jerk to have even said that to you. He's not worth your time and energy ~ let it be. Your wife probably wasn't your first (or maybe was) and you may not have told your wife everything. This happened when you both were younger and still learning about life. I'd let it go, you and your wife work through this and remember what is really important ~ the two of you and then your kids.



PEACE and love to my friends, Judy

When the Power of Love over comes the Love of Power, the world will know Peace.
-Sri Chinmnoy Ghose

Till me meet again ~ I Love you Mike! You were one of a kind.
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Andy
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Wise words, Judy, although without wanting to split hairs, I would call the incident in the pick-up truck a sexual act.

Bill Clinton tried to re-define what was sex - he didn't succeed and he was the President!
Edited by Andy, Apr 9 2009, 09:57 PM.
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Bill
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Sometimes people keep things to themselves purely because they don't want to hurt the other.

I won't insult you with the "we all make mistakes" line, but it sounds to me like the real hurt comes from this dickhead coming back into your lives and trying to hold it over you. If that's all he has to be proud of in all this time, if that's what he has to point to in order to big-note himself, if he still hasn't grown beyond teenage locker room humiliation tactics, then how lame is that?

Okay, so it's not the way you would have wanted it - that does hurt. But should you let an ill-advised fumble (which, with all due respect to your wife, I bet wasn't as good as he would undoubtedly claim it was) trump 25 years of marriage? Would he have to act like that if he had a stable and satisfying relationship? Why give him that kind of power over you? Why play his game?
Edited by Bill, Apr 10 2009, 01:36 AM.
Put a puppet on it.
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beatlechick
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Being a woman, I have to truly commend the posts that Andy, Judy, and Bill have written. Don't let what happened many years ago have power over what you have today. If you had think you had something special going on all this time but let this revelation tarnish that, than talk it out with your wife. Let her know that it being kept from you hurts but that you still love her with all of your heart. Than work to conquer the power that revelation has on you. She chose to be with you (and continues to choose to be with you) in every way, shape, and form. That alone should lessen the power hold over you.
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FamousGroupie
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Olen, I know it must hurt mate, but think of it this way. He got one night with her in the back of his pick-up (cliche much?).

You married her.

Mate, you win.
I don't believe in Bondi. I don't believe in rugby league. I believe in Yoko, John Lennon, the Lost Weekend and me.
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Queenbee
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Andy
Apr 9 2009, 09:56 PM
Wise words, Judy, although without wanting to split hairs, I would call the incident in the pick-up truck a sexual act.

Bill Clinton tried to re-define what was sex - he didn't succeed and he was the President!
Andy ~ I was comparing heavy petting to intercourse (are we allowed to say that word on here, lol).

PEACE and love to my friends, Judy

When the Power of Love over comes the Love of Power, the world will know Peace.
-Sri Chinmnoy Ghose

Till me meet again ~ I Love you Mike! You were one of a kind.
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ogoble
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Apr 10 2009, 01:25 AM
Let her know that it being kept from you hurts but that you still love her with all of your heart.
Hurt? It goes beyond hurt. It feels like someone slammed me to the ground and kicked me repeatedly. Everytime I get up, something will remind me of what happened and horrible images fill my head. Most people will say "Hey, that was over 20 years ago!" But, it's more current and fresh than it was back then...because I have found many things (from people) recently that were kept from me.
The pickup was not the only act.

Months before we married, she went to a "friends" new appartment to check it out. He showed her his bedroom...they sat on his bed and began to make out. According to this guy (we'll call him "Waffle Boy") she stopped him and said she couldn't because she was engaged to me. But, it started back again and she ended up having sex with him. She verified his story. I see this image in my mind over and over again. I can't sleep most nights lying beside her. I find it hard to even touch her...stupid, I know.

I used to say that I never cry. I have cried nearly every day for the past several months. I admire her honesty. But, she still confesses more and more little things she did right before we got married (like giving another guy "only a handjob"). But, she says all of it meant nothing and she did not love any of those guys. She says the time at the appartment, was the last time she had sex with anyone until after our wedding.

I feel I am to blame for part of this because we had made a promise to not have sex with each other until we were married. We came close several times, but I was strong. I guess I wasn't meeting her needs.

Yes, I love her and can't see me loving anyone else. We have had a wonderful marriage and life together. I do forgive her, but the forgetting part is something I'm having trouble getting past.

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I can't wait until the day that I'm my old self. My wife says she wants the old me back too. I will keep on trying.
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Monkey Chow
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Wow, dude. I know my wife had some past before we married and I certainly did. I can't believe somebody would bring it up to you 20 years later. If I saw a girl I'd been with who was now married I would never say anything to her husband. Anyway, maybe this doesn't help but it is sort of sounds like experimentation on her part because she was about to get married and be with the same guy forever. Then again, I would probably prefer not knowing.
Everybody's got something to hide 'cept for me and my monkey.
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theonlyfab4fan
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Olen, I had no idea what you have been going through and I do know exactly how you feel(I had something similar happen in reverse to me). Don`t beat yourself up too much for giving yourself a little time to grieve over this. Yes it happened 25 years ago but I imagine you are in shock because you may feel as though all your memories have suddenly been tarnished by this unknown info. The way you found out was especially cruel and that guy needs a big kick in the balls for bragging about it to you. I am sure if your wife could go back and have a do over she would have done it different. However right now that is a little beside the point. You have to have time to digest this, deal with it, and then move on. No doubt you will move on when you are ready. It is never pleasant to feel as though you have been made a fool of but try to remind yourself as much as you can, that you two have built a beautiful life and family together. I held on to my hurt and grief far too long and now regret all the precious time I wasted and I also regret having put my husband through hell for it. Try not to punish her but by no means allow anyone to be dismissive of how you are feeling. It might help if you talk to someone in the clergy or other professional help so you can get on with your life. Cry if you must because tears are cathartic and don`t be embarrassed about the tears you have and will shed. I am so very sorry to know how you are hurting and if there is anything I can do at all to help I`m but a click away. :hug:
You say you want to save humanity but it`s people that you just can`t stand
John came to me in a dream and this is what he said. "I had a vision of a man on a flaming pie, and he told me that Betsy with a B not Lisa with a L is the biggest fan of mine". John trumps 'the boss' !

I WAS ROBBED BY THAT DEVIL WOMAN

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Anyway, maybe this doesn't help but it is sort of sounds like experimentation on her part because she was about to get married and be with the same guy forever.


Exactly. Don't forget she married YOU, she had babies with YOU. Having a baby with the guy you love is a proof of love.



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ogoble
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Love Sculpture
Apr 11 2009, 12:31 AM
Quote:
 
Anyway, maybe this doesn't help but it is sort of sounds like experimentation on her part because she was about to get married and be with the same guy forever.


Exactly. Don't forget she married YOU, she had babies with YOU. Having a baby with the guy you love is a proof of love.



I have no doubt that she loves me and I have always loved her. But, it hurts. "Experimentation" is one thing, but deception is another. I have always been honest with her and I expect the same. As hard as it may sound...I was a virgin on my wedding night. I had over a dozen opportunities and offers, but because of my religious convictions, I abstained and feel no regrets that I did. I expected the same from the girl I chose to marry (a preacher's daughter).
I'm crying now, but I hope all these reminders end soon.
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beatlechick
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:hug:

She likely has regrets about what has happened. Talk it out, let your feelings go, let her know what this has all done to you. Let her know that inspite of all of this, you still very much love her.
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ogoble
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beatlechick
Apr 11 2009, 06:08 PM
:hug:

She likely has regrets about what has happened. Talk it out, let your feelings go, let her know what this has all done to you. Let her know that inspite of all of this, you still very much love her.
I've done this like.....100 times. ^_^
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Queenbee
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Maybe you need to handle this like one does when someone they love dies. At first you think about it all the time, but, then comes the time to put it aside and set a time limit on how much you r going to dwell on it. Then after that, snap out of it and start thinking positive thoughts about what IS good in the relationship. If you just think of the negative, your going to be feeling negative all the time. If you start thinking about all the positive times together, you'll feel happier. I'm not saying ignore your feeling, just try to set a limit to how long (15 minutes a day) your going to be sad. What happened all those years ago, even if you found out now, don't let it ruin your todays and tomorrow. Your love for each other is all that matters today. You can't change the past but you still have control on your future.
Edited by Queenbee, Apr 11 2009, 06:59 PM.

PEACE and love to my friends, Judy

When the Power of Love over comes the Love of Power, the world will know Peace.
-Sri Chinmnoy Ghose

Till me meet again ~ I Love you Mike! You were one of a kind.
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pood for paul

Interesting discussion.
I, however have a different point of view, and probably not a very popular one...

If I were in Olen's shoes, and found out all of this after so many years of marriage, I would feel like I had been married to a stranger. The fact that this was hidden for so many years would be very troubling to me. I would be constantly think what else will I find out about? How many others were there. What else don't I know about my partner?

The MOST important factor in a marriage or any relationship for that matter is TRUST.
I, personally would never be able to look at my partner, without nagging suspicion, eating at me.
Is he really at the office late, was there really an emergency call......
To me, once the trust is gone-it's gone.

Many couples have overcome situations like this, and I congratulate them, but it wouldn't be something I could do.
I would have so much resentment, not just for the betrayal, but also for the lying (yes, not telling your partner is lying to me) that it would be unbearable.

Olen~I hope you can work through this, if not for your marriage, then for your own sake.
The pain is unbearable at times-I know, I've been there.
I can tell you, whatever the outcome, you will be ok~
Best wishes~
Judy
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad...
Take a sad song, and make it better..."
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ogoble
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pood for paul
Apr 11 2009, 07:44 PM
The fact that this was hidden for so many years would be very troubling to me. I would be constantly think what else will I find out about? How many others were there. What else don't I know about my partner?
I think about those things everyday.
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beatlechick
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ogoble
Apr 11 2009, 10:53 PM
pood for paul
Apr 11 2009, 07:44 PM
The fact that this was hidden for so many years would be very troubling to me. I would be constantly think what else will I find out about? How many others were there. What else don't I know about my partner?
I think about those things everyday.
That's only normal. It's when you allow this to have total power over you that can be a danger to your marriage. To allow it to be all-consuming is not a good thing. My mom and dad divorced because during their marriage he had affairs. That is different than what happened before the marriage.
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A day in the life
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It is not different in my opinion. It sounds like they were dating/ engaged at the time already.

I agree with Pood for Paul's post.

We all wanna change the world.
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Mr.Mustard
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What's sex?
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