| Bologna | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 11 2011, 06:21 PM (40 Views) | |
| BBD | Mar 11 2011, 06:21 PM Post #1 |
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"Beautiful"
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I hate bologna. No! I mean, I really hate bologna! I don’t think you are hearing me correctly. I cannot stand fucking bologna. You know how everyone compares the indescribable to chicken? Like, eating escargot for the first time, you’ll say “that tastes like chicken” because you have no other way to explain it. Well bologna does taste like chicken. The excrement that spews forth from the chicken’s ass after the butcher lops it’s head off with a cleaver. Yeah, that’s what bologna tastes like. Doesn’t that sound so appeasing to you? So why all this talk about bologna when I have finally gotten you to understand how much I despise the stuff? Well because, there I found myself standing, watching my ex-wife Laurie making a bunch of the despicable shitamwhiches. Yes, it’s a word. Well, if it wasn’t before today it is now! And if you don’t like it, blow me! No seriously, someone blow me, it’s been a week since I’ve gotten some good, even halfway decent head. I’m having withdraws! But anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! Bolgna! BLAH! It was a week ago, Laurie and myself were in the kitchen area of her condo style hotel room. I was sitting on the kitchen counter in this awful looking t-shirt. You see, it was once a nice California blue but having lost the match with Sara Pettis, the fucking cunt, I was forced to spray paint it. Sadly spray painting a blue shirt yellow does not make it yellow. It makes it a kind of booger snot green and it’s down right ugly and it was bringing me down. How could I carry on the “beautiful” name with pride if I wasn’t feeling so beautiful? And the look of disdain on Laurie’s face every time she looked up from the excrement people call bologna sends me further down the hole of despair. “I’m confused…” She said with obvious confusion. Hello Mr. Redundant, nice to see you again., how I’ve missed thee. “You lost a match to a woman who wears blue herself and now you’re banned from the color? The sexist Bobby Dean, a man who’s said “female wrestlers are nothing more than glrofied strippers…” lost to a woman?” “No…” I said with a bit of a scowl on my face. “I mean yes I lost to a woman, well it’s still debatable, but what I said was, “female wrestlers were nothing more than glorified strippers who refuse to take their clothes off” if you’re going to quote me, get the whole quote.” “Riiiight.” She said with that typical smarmy voice of hers. A voice I thought I was missing in my life until I hear it. “But I’m confused as to why you can’t use the color blue now?” “Want me to draw you a picture?” I said in my typical smart assness. “Here let’s take the salt shaker, that is me. This here pepper shaker is Sara.” I empty the contents of both shakers onto the counter in big piles, but separate. Laurie doesn’t look too pleased. “Sara and I do battle, she cheats and sleeps with the referee before the match so I end up getting fucked. Not the kind of fucked I love, by the way. “So now,” I wipe the salt, me, off the counter onto the floor of the kitchen. Laurie’s scowl turns to rage as she is seconds away to strike out at me, but I continue oblivious to the danger. “The “Beautiful” Bobby Dean you know and love, with the beautiful California blue, is no more. And all that remains in that walking STD infested twat factory, stealing my thunder and my colors!” “Why the hell did you do that!?” she screams at me, completely ignoring my explanation. “You know you’re going to have to clean that up now, don’t you!” I smile, jumping down off the kitchen counter. “How many limes do you have?” “Why?” she asks full of skepticism but before I can answer she shakes her head, closes her eyes and begins to count to herself under her breath. Once she hits eight, she slowly opens her eyes and sighs out once more. “Never mind, just forget it.” I smile that smile of mine and say, “Consider it already forgotten, in fact I had no intention of cleaning it up, but what do you want me to do with all this pepper?” You know what’s going to happen next… “Just leave….” she begins to say but stops mid-sentence as I reach up and swipe all the pepper off the counter to join the salt covered floor. “Bobby!!!!” With that I turn and run, heading towards the safe zone, our daughter, who’s seated on the living room couch watching the Fresh Beat Band. Don’t know it? Youtube it! Leaping over the back side of the couch I land heavy on the cushions next to my startled daughter who begins laughing after I scared her with my sudden appearance. Laurie meanwhile stands there in the kitchen staring daggers at the back of my head. So where’s the bologna in all this madness? Well hours later my ex-wife and I, along with my daughter, were seated on the grass near a nice cozy little park. Our daughter was running off from one slide to the next, as Laurie and I were lounging back on the slope of a grassy knoll, bologna, bread and mayonaise running it’s course through my digestive system as I was silently cursing the vile poison that I was forced to eat. “Don’t be bitter Bobby.” she says without looking at my sullen face. “It’s just bologna, it won’t kill you.” “You know I hate that shit!” I say but with a voice of defeat not anger. “I know.” she says with mirth in her voice. “But you know me, I like to rile you up and you make it so damn easy.” She laughs as I sigh out in frustration before she reaches over and lightly punches me in the arm. That one punch leads to the two of us rolling around wrestling for an advantageous position, having spent many years in self defense, she was no slouch when it came to grappling. Something that had always been a turn on to me. Minutes later I had her right where I wanted her! With my arm pinned down beneath her knees, her hips directly over my chest and her sitting back on her heels with a look of triumph on her face. Having my face an inch away from her crotch, that’s what I call victory! “So what are you going to do now?” she challenges. “Enjoy the view.” I say with a smirk on my face. Laughing she reaches down and pinches me, something I hate with a passion, giggling all the while. But she soon rolls off and goes back to lying on the hill shoulder to shoulder next to me. “So,” she begins to say, “What’s next?” “What’s next?” I ask confused. “What do you mean?” “I mean with “Beautiful” Bobby Dean of course.” she says as if it was obvious. “What are you going to do now that you lost your colors?” I mull things over for a minute. Long enough for her to look my way, curiosity on her face. “I guess I’ll just have to get a new color scheme won’t I? But other than that, I can’t dwell on this loss too much or I’ll end up on a downward spiral. You know how I get…” “Yeah, I do!” she says with a chuckle. “Only thing I can do is put it behind me for now.” I say in contemplation. “I’m sure our paths will cross again and when they do, I’ll put that bitch back in her place. On her knees with my dick in between those lips of hers.” And now we are back to the present. Standing behind the curtains about to make my re-debut with my new color scheme. |
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2:31 PM Jul 11