| Canadian Crippler | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Apr 20 2010, 06:18 AM (42 Views) | |
| Canadian Connection | Apr 20 2010, 06:18 AM Post #1 |
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sVo Superstar
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Prologue Adventure on the high seas… the smell of the briny waves, the glimmer of sunken treasure… arr, it be a mighty draw for those with saltwater fer blood. Unfortunately, most of us never experience the rolling flow of the endless sea. We’re stuck at our 9-to-5 jobs, answering to the man, following the rules of a thankless merry-go-round of pointless law and order. Wherein are we supposed to live as the celestial spirits we are destined to become? Finding your way out… much like a young runaway’s eyes well up with joy at the site of a passing circus trailer, it will spit up the essence of excitement and knowledge that has so far been devoured during your miserable existence. Perfection, indeed, is an action of allowing yourself to simply “be” in this way. Run off and live. Jump off and let go. Just be ready to grab back on the moment you realize that pipe dreams are for children and plumbers. Canadian Crippler welcomes you. Act I *When we last saw SVO’s newest prized acquisition, Canadian Crippler, he was sailing on his luxurious yacht toward Las Vegas, en route to Sunday night’s SVO Showdown broadcast, where he was set to face Los Locos in a scintillating tag team encounter. However, now fortunes at sea have turned sour quickly as the yacht was infiltrated by a young lady posing as a half-naked Latina woman in order to seize control of the ship (admittedly, she was still half-naked and was most definitely a woman… I suppose the Latina part may be off, but still a pretty dead-on disguise… not that anyone was complaining otherwise). Along with nineteen other half-naked Latina women, his aging butler, Godfrey, and a hapless SVO cameraman, Canadian Crippler quickly found himself face-to-sword with a real-life band of Pacific Ocean pirates.* Voice: Get up, boy! I want the world t’see this! *Our scene opens with the camera view jostling to and fro, as if someone is making a sex tape while attempting to hold the camera during the deed… or perhaps being thrown around by an angry pirate… yes, that is a distinct possibility.* Cameraman: Wha…? What do you want from me?! Pirate: Your landlubbin’ arse fainted when we boarded. We’re planning on sellin’ that camera of yours for pretty change once we hit the mainland, but in the meantime, we thought we’d let you record our lavish bounty! *The pirate, still clad in a raggedy white long-sleeved shirt and pants with a brown vest and boots, having scooped the cameraman’s limp body up off the deck and concurrently forcing him to tape their stealing of Canadian Crippler’s yacht, points toward the same storage hold that the cameraman fell into last time. Getting a good view of the compartment, however, shows that it is now full of all sorts of golden jewelry, cooking utensils, and coins from various world currencies.* Pirate: Arr…beautiful, ain’t it? Cameraman: Uhh…yes… it’s pretty nice, mister… pirate…sir. Where did it all come from? Pirate: Harr boy, you can call me Skeleton Red, Devil of the Seven Seas. Over there be me first mate, Zachary Marlot, and the young lass you have already met is Isadore Swift, greatest lady spy in the history of the Atlantic…arr, she’s a fox, in’t she? *We pan over to see Marlot, the second sword-wielding man from before, and Swift, the faux-Latina yacht club employee, in the main cabin of the ship. Swift is notably wearing clothes now, much to the chagrin of males everywhere. She also appears to be wearing Canadian Crippler’s mirrored sunglasses, which likely isn’t going over too well with one male in particular.* Red: These gems were gifts from a seafaring vessel. We have traveled the world in search of such gifts… very few o’ their givers were too keen on givin, though, so we had to persuade them…HAR HAR! Cameraman: I see. So…wow, you guys really do say stuff like “arrr,” huh? I always thought that was just in storybooks… Red: Whut’s that, boy?! Are ye making fun of the way a true pirate of the Pacific talks? Cameraman: Ah! No! No, I didn’t mean it, Mr. Red…err…Mr. Skeleton…err… Mr… sir?! Red: Enough! Marlot, toss him in the hull with the rest of those landlubbers! He ain’t good enough to record our conquest! Marlot: Aye, Captain! Cameraman: AHH! I DON’T GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS!!!! *Marlot storms down from the cabin, a sour look on his face, and reaches toward the camera, which quickly cuts to static as we hear a frantic fracas between pirate and SVO cameraman. Gee, I wonder who will win that battle. * Act II *Our next scene opens up inside the hull of the ship, on the lower deck that we were treated to a tour of when we last met. This time, we are inside the fitness center, which is barely lit, apart from the waning sunlight peering in from the porthole windows. One most consider that in order for this scene to be shot, the pirates were generous enough to refrain from tying the cameraman up and let keep his camera. If there’s one thing you don’t find often in life, it’s charitable pirates. Across the room and under one of the portholes, we see Godfrey, loyal butler to the Canadian Crippler estate, sitting against the wall, his hands tied behind his back, humming to himself. On the other side of the room is none other than a man who will take on The Corporation and Los Locos this week on Showdown…if he doesn’t get buried at sea before then… Canadian Crippler! Canadian Crippler, still wearing his newly-debuted Canadian Connectio t-shirt, laying on a nearby weight bench, pressing roughly 300lbs with relative ease… with his hands tied together.* Godfrey: Master Crippler, I know you are busy, but I just wanted to say how much of an honor it has been to serve your estate for all these years. Well…I suppose it has only been about five years… but it feels like an eternity! And Mr. Cameraman, you have my utmost gratitude for not having filmed that fall into the hot tub I took earlier… oh my, I would’ve had to look forward to my associates viewing that over and over every year at the Minnesota Butler’s Commission Christmas Dinner… how embarrassing! Now I believe I can die in peace and join my dear wife… Canadian Crippler: Nobody’s dying, Godfrey. Godfrey: What’s that, Master Crippler? Canadian Crippler: We’re not going to let these plankton-brained ignoramuses kill us. That would be like letting The Corporation and Los Locos believe they have a chance at winning this Sunday... sounds plausible on paper, until the Canadian Crippler shreds that paper into ribbons. Godfrey: Well if we’re not going to die, does that mean we’re going to escape before they take your yacht to its destination? Canadian Crippler: That’s the great part of this, Godfrey—the Saltwater Taffy Boys and the Bimbo of the Sea up there? They’re taking us straight to the West Coast… which is where we were headed anyway. If anything, they’ll get us to a port where we can stay without having to worry about spending a fortune on docking fees. As for escaping, my wrists are starting to get a little tired… *Canadian Crippler puts the barbell back in place and sits up on the bench. He stands up and casually walks out of the fitness area and into the mess hall with the cameraman following. He walks behind the bar and grabs a a large bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon from below, which he sets on the bar with his hands still tied.* Canadian Crippler: Cameraman, make yourself useful to the Canadian Crippler, will you? Cameraman: Oh, sure, Mr. Crippler, I’m on it!! *The cameraman walks up and sets the camera down on the bar. We see him pick up the bottle and quickly smash it against the bar, breaking the bottle apart, sending the wine spilling everywhere and producing a jagged glass edge.* Canadian Crippler: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! THAT’S A FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR WINE! Cameraman: Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I... I thought you wanted it to… I’ll buy you a new one! Canadian Crippler: Pick up your stupid camera before the Canadian Crippler shoves it up your ass! Lousy SVO goombas… don’t even have the common decency to pour the greatest wrestler on the planet a glass of victory wine… *Canadian Crippler angrily steps on a pedal at the bottom of the bar, which prompts a sharp bottle opener to appear from the side of the high-tech bar. Canadian Crippler quickly runs the ropes binding his wrists against the bottle opener, cutting them with ease. The ropes drop perfectly into a trash bin on the floor as Canadian Crippler reaches back toward the bar for a wine glass and another bottle of Cabernet.* Canadian Crippler: You know something, flunky? The Canadian Crippler is still in a good mood, despite that little incident. I suppose returning to the thing you love most in the world after a two-year hiatus will do that. The name of Canadian Crippler is a new one to the Sanctioned Violence Organization rings, but soon and very soon, it will be a name synonymous with the highest glories and accolades in SVO. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it already is… my mere presence does tend to cause quite a jump in viewership and almighty dollars for every company The Canadian Crippler sets foot in. *He fills his glass partially full, swirls the wine in the glass, then takes a long sip before speaking again.* Canadian Crippler: The Canadian Crippler has had two years to train for this very moment. Think about what two years of training will do to a man’s mind, body, and soul. Never have they been sharper…never have they been more ready. As for The Corporation, it took less than two months for their minds, bodies, and souls to collapse into a wallowing heap of wasted potentials and uncomfortable aftertastes. The Corporation are a shell of their former selves, and even those selves had no chance against someone of Canadian Crippler’s caliber. If The Corporation and Los Locos were smart, they wouldn’t even bother showing up this Sunday, but when they inevitably walk to the ring with those Vegas ignoramuses cheering their every step and look at The Canadian Connection in the eyes… their fears will be realized. They are not ready for the beating they are about to receive at the hands of the perfect athletes, and they are not ready for the breakdown they will suffer, courtesy of the perfect minds, The Canadian Connection. *Canadian Crippler smiles arrogantly toward the camera, puts the now-empty glass down and begins placing the wine back on the shelf.* Cameraman: Mr. Crippler? What about the pirates? *Seemingly ignoring the cameraman, Canadian Crippler grabs a standard bottle opener out of a drawer on the bar. He walks back into the fitness room and cuts Godfrey’s ropes.* Godfrey: Good show, Master Crippler. *Canadian Crippler opens up a wall compartment in the room and pulls out his trademark weapon, the Singapore cane!* Canadian Crippler: All right people… brace yourselves… it’s time to… Godfrey: Oh…I do hate to interrupt, Master Crippler, but what ever came of those lovely women on the boat? Canadian Crippler: You know Godfrey… that’s a perfect question… If I were a pirate, where would I hide nineteen gorgeous women wearing next-to-nothing? *Canadian Crippler and Godfrey share pensive looks momentarily before Canadian Crippler smirks, appearing to have an idea. They both walk across the lower deck and down the far hallway before Canadian Crippler opens up the door to the sleeping quarters. Inside, we see all nineteen women, their hands tied behind them, each lying on a separate luxury bed, still wearing only their bikinis. Canadian Crippler stands at the doorway, mouth wide open. He glances up to the heavens and mouths a “thank you” to the Man Above. The girls all let out a spirited shout of joy as they see someone has come to save them. Godfrey: Oh thank goodness they’re all here! We’d better untie them, Master Crippler! Canadian Crippler: Silliness Godfrey… they’ll be perfectly fine as they are right here… *Godfrey shoots a stern look at Canadian Crippler, as if he just earned a detention in high school.* Canadian Crippler: Oh alright, alright, untie them…for an old man, you can really be an old man sometimes, you know? *Godfrey smiles back as Canadian Crippler tosses him the bottle opener. Canadian Crippler walks back out to the main room and cracks the cane against the floor to produce a loud snapping noise, which he smiles at approvingly.* Canadian Crippler: All right people… brace yourselves… it’s time to pulverize some pirate ass! Act III *Back on the main deck, our plucky cameraman steps up through an auxiliary staircase and cautiously pans the surrounding area. We appear to be quite close to land, as the European shoreline can be seen in the distance. We move back to the stern deck, where we see Zachary Marlot attempting to remove the yacht’s speaker system. After watching his life flash before his eyes, the cameraman walks directly up to the plundering pirate. Marlot’s head pops up with a slightly shocked, mostly annoyed look on his face.* Marlot: Whut’r you doing back up here?! If ye don’t want to listen to orders, then it’s time for ye to walk the pla… *Marlot can’t complete his sentence before he is cracked in the back of the head by a Singapore cane! He collapses in a heap on the wooden deck, holding his neck in pain. Canadian Crippler steps around the cabin and into the camera view, kicking Marlot hard in the ribs for good measure.* Canadian Crippler: “The plank?” Seriously, you flea-ridden doofus, get some new material. *Canadian Crippler literally walks over Marlot and heads up to the cabin. Once we get there, we see Skeleton Red asleep in the captain’s chair while the Canadian Crippler-mirrored-shades-wearing Isadore Swift is steering the boat toward the West Coast shore. Swift notices Canadian Crippler approaching and draws her dagger from her belt, walking down the galley to meet him.* Swift: Mr. Crippler, it seems you are just as persistent as those girls say you are. How did you escape our capture? Canadian Crippler: Well, between not tying up the cameraman, not locking the door downstairs, and leaving me with countless sharp objects lying around with which to free myself, I kinda had a lot of options… Swift: That idiot Marlot… he can’t do anything right. Well, no matter, as the only sharp object you need to concern yourself with is the one that will soon sever your throat! Canadian Crippler: Whoa whoa, hold on there, toots. The Canadian Crippler isn’t here to fight. In fact, let’s just put these petty weapons down and have a little one-on-one time. That is why you boarded The Canadian Crippler’s yacht in the first place, isn’t it? Swift: Don’t try to play the Don Juan with me, buster. Canadian Crippler (dropping the cane to the deck): Why not madame? Because you know it will work? *Canadian Crippler saunters slowly toward Swift, whose face shows a mix of anger and curiousity. She rears back with the dagger, but cannot move it forward. Canadian Crippler reaches up slowly and takes the blade from her hand, wrapping his other arm around her waist.* Canadian Crippler: You know what they say about Latina pirate spies… they each have their agendas, but deep down, they’re simply looking for the perfect gentleman to sweep them off their feet… *Canadian Crippler lifts Swift off the deck and holds her close to him, smiling. Seemingly intrigued, Isadore smiles, takes off Canadian Crippler’s shades, and puts them back on him.* Swift: Mmm… well you do seem to be quite good at that, Mr. Crippler. Confidentially, I’m not Latina… I wonder if you even know how to handle an Albanian woman? Canadian Crippler: My dear, it doesn’t matter where you’re from…all that matters is where you’re going when you’re with The Canadian Crippler. Although now that you mention it, I do have a confession of my own to make… Swift: Oh? Do tell. Canadian Crippler: Confidentially, I’m not a perfect gentleman. *Swift’s eyes grow wide before Canadian Crippler lets go of her, dropping her straight into the cargo hold full of treasure, then kicks the door shut and locks the latch. He then grabs his cane off the deck and storms up to the main cabin. Spotting Skeleton Red still asleep, Canadian Crippler grabs Red’s scimitar off the floor and throws Swift’s dagger into the wall directly next to Red’s head, causing the pirate captain to startle awake.* Canadian Crippler (pointing the sword toward Red): Listen up, Punky Brewster, The Canadian Crippler appreciates guests on his yacht as much as the next highly affluent professional wrestler, but I’m not a huge fan of your jeopardizing my making it to Las Vegas on Sunday to deliberately devastate The Corporation and Los Locos. I suggest you sail this ship straight to your destination. Red: Arr, and what’re ya gonna do to me if I don’t, landlubber? Kill me? Canadian Crippler: No… I’ll make you watch a 72-hour marathon of Gigli. Red: Arrr, you’re a cruel, cruel man… Canadian Crippler: You don’t know the half of it. Now drive… and what’s with all this “arr” business? Get a thesaurus, you clod. Act IV *The final scene opens at a large port town along the southwestern shore of the United States. Various merchants and ship handlers can be seen scrambling about as the sun is just beginning to set. Canadian Crippler's yacht can be seen docked at the port, looking no worse for wear after the previous pirate ambush. Our view switches to the inside of a cabin-like trading post in the town, where we see a crowd of six surly-looking merchants, quite possibly pirates themselves, standing on one side of a long wooden table. On the other side stands Canadian Crippler, his mirrored shades returned, alongside a seated Godfrey and the trio of ship thieves, each tied up around the wrists, reminiscent of the treatment they gave to Canadian Crippler and his entourage earlier. On the table lie several of the treasures that Red and his crew stored in the yacht’s storage hold. Canadian Crippler and the merchant at the head of the table shake hands, both looking quite pleased.* Merchant: Thank you, Mr. Crippler. These golden trinkets have certainly made our day. Canadian Crippler: If it pads Canadian Crippler’s wallet, you will not hear me complaining. Enjoy your three new servants as well! *Canadian Crippler and Godfrey nod to one another and turn to leave. Canadian Crippler looks up at Isadore Swift as he walks out.* Canadian Crippler: Look me up when you’re done swabbing decks and peeling potatoes, doll. *Swift simply smirks a Canadian Crippler-like smirk as Canadian Crippler shoots back his own. Our view switches to the outside of the building, where the nineteen Latinas are waiting for Canadian Crippler and Godfrey.* Sylvia: Mr. Crippler, thank you for the vacation, but are we going to get to watch you destroy Corporation and Locos fools? Canadian Crippler: Certainly, my dear. The whole world is invited to watch as the Canadian Connection takes on the pathetic pestilence of The Corporation and Los Locos. Not even a pirate raid could stop the Parasites from getting to their prey. *He looks into the camera.* Locos, you may have had to deal with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder for years, but you’ve never dealt with anything like Canadian Crippler’s brand of high impact crippling. Your flaws are targets, and your failure is inevitable. This is the Canadian Crippler’s world… you’re just losing in it. *The scene fades to black.* |
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12:54 AM Jul 11