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Hey, He's Dreaming and I'm Drinking; sorry night, just looks funny to type
Topic Started: Mar 20 2010, 07:45 PM (70 Views)
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It’s a magical past. I have a history most first timers here would kill for! I am royalty of sorts, or maybe it is just in my mind. However, the story goes a little something like this…

It was around 2000 and my career had just started. I was instantly signed to a company that was unstoppable! I worked my ass off to prove I was not just some loud mouth who could get under the skin of anyone I cared to annoyed! I won gold, and decided to make my gold bigger. That is right, I became the top guy on my show, but the main title was always out of reach. Probably due to the fact I never got my chance at it. See, when you are young and go big instantly… You must show everyone and make them notice. I found myself on the wrong end of the law at a bar one night and was read my rights face down in a bowl of stale peanuts. Believe that the company did not assist me, they quickly had their lawyers draw up some legal documents on how being in jail broke my contract so they could release me without paying me another dime.

That was okay by me, fuck… The company finally went under a few months before my release. I decided to stay out the business and do something worth a damn with my life. Semper Fidelis, always faithful for those who do not know. I joined the United States’ Marine Corps, OO-RAH! So that is my story…

Ronnie kills the power on his laptop and slides it onto the coffee table in his two bedroom apartment. His cell phone starts to ring, as he quickly answers.

‘Hey man, my flight leaves tomorrow morning at two. I need you to find me a new place in Las Vegas. I do not care what you have to do and who you have to blow. Make it fucking happen, or I will find myself a new agent!’

Ronnie hangs up his phone, before hearing anything else from his agent. His beer looks to warm, but he his care for warm beer is summed up by his motto.

‘Warmer the beer, smoother it goes down!’

One would hope that being one of the few, one of the proud would have straightened the kid out. Mainly they taught him how to extend his egotistical behavior into causing people to hate him and how to drink anyone under the table at any given time. Sure, he can shoot a M4, and even clear a house. But after his tour in Iraq, Ronnie was basically sitting in Twenty-Nine Palms drinking himself stupid every day. After all, they do call him a war hero or something. Although, the store is not even talked about by Ronnie, as he always changes the subject when it is mentioned!

‘What is that fucking voice I keep hearing? Maybe I am drinking way too much, but I am pretty sure someone is fucking talking! WHO’S HERE DAMMIT?’

He gets no reply, as his head is turning in several directions attempting to locate some mystery voice.

‘Mystery my ass! I fucking heard you jackass. Why in the hell are you announcing my every movement?’

What Ronnie has yet to realize is, his agent hired a narrator to narrator his life for sVo. As he should act as if he hears nothing, his brain is ruined by Budweiser!

‘Ah, that is who that fucker was just talking about. I thought I was just thinking out loud when I was typing that shit up. But it was you were reading it huh? I bet you did that so those fucks at home could know what I was typing!’

How about we focus on your match? As Ronnie sits on his couch, puzzled by the thoughts of his first match in sVo against some strange guy who calls himself the…

‘Don’t say that douche bag’s name on my dime! I am not here to make any fucking buddy famous!’


Yeah, including yourself!

‘HEY! I can fucking hear you remember!’

Oh yeah, as Ronnie sits there thinking about his opponent, his facial expression starts to change.

‘Oh, sorry! I have got to drop the kids off at the swimming pool!’

As he is in need of dropping the kids… Wait, you do not have kids!

‘Dude, it means I need to take a shit! I have to, how you say, squeeze a Hat Hunter out and see how Magical it will be floating on Top of the water!’

Ah, the old shit joke with someone’s name! How original!

‘Alright now! Just because you are not viewable, does not mean I cannot fucking shoot you! I suggest you find a new punch line and leave the LONG SHOT off your HAHA’s tonight! Otherwise, my next HAHA will be trying to ditch a body without anyone seeing me in Washington, DC! Understand what I am saying NARRATOR FUCK?’

Gotcha! So as Mister Long wonders what he can do to be victorious against his opponent, his mind starts to race.

‘AH! I like that! Go on!’

No, now you are supposed to cut a promo on why and how you will win and how you are a winner and your opponent is a loser. You know a typical shit talk piece about how you are better than him? And how your dick is bigger, and you fucked his girl and his mom!

‘Dude, I do not care about his junk, and I do not think he dates women, if you remove the w and o, that is what he likes and I am not into that shit. I mean, here in sVo, I guess they can do the don’t ask don’t tell policy. As long as he keeps his hands off certain areas, I won’t be finding a shallow grave somewhere in Las Vegas to hide his body!’

Thus it had started! Ronnie felt himself getting back into the hang of being a professional wrestler once again!

‘On the serious note… Hat Hunter, I do not know you nor do I care to start. This day is not about you becoming a rising star and shining for the world to see. In Las Vegas, everything is fucking bright. Like the sun outside, inside the ring, I’m going to be bitch smacking you around like you owe me money. I am not doing because I hate you or because you are someone I need to beat to be someone. I am doing it because I find humor and joy in it. The difference between me and anyone else is simple. I do not care about fame and fortune any longer. I’ve rose to the top and held gold. I’ve been in prison and fought in wars. I’ve fucked them white, black, and hijabs. If you have no clue what it is, it’s what an Iraqi woman wears. It’s somewhat appealing when you all you see are that every day. The eyes become a sexual object!

I am merely looking to enjoy the rest of life. In a ring is where I plan on obtaining that enjoyment. You happen to be the first victim of The Long Shot. It’s not guessing nor hoping when I say it Hunter. It’s gift known as philosophy, the ability to foresee the future. Yours sucks, you may want to want to do something to change that. Unless you consider eating Cheese Puffs and then beating off with an orange hand as a great life… Then you are set! When I am done with you at Showdown, I plan retiring you from the ring for good!

Something like Nat?’

Ronnie pauses, waiting for the answer to hit him. You are going to call me Nat? Jesus fucking Christ Ronald, stop talking to me like I am there next to you! Just focus!

‘I am here to showcase my talents, my sex appeal, and my way of life. You are merely a pop quiz that is filled with multiple choice answers. Just as you are in the ring, there is only answer A on my test sheet. This shit is TOO EASY! So remove your hat and try to perform some magical act that will awe the crowd. I know the only way you can beat me is by pulling a victory out your ass… Though I am sure you like for stuff being stuffed there and not pulled out of. Either or, I do not believe in magic and I do not believe in a fake ass top hat wearing retard like you. Oh, by the way Hunter… I meant to say this earlier, but you are the poster child to the saying, “Your momma dresses you funny!” Just look in the mirror and you will understand!’

Ronnie Long leans back with beer in hand, and smiles. Feeling as if he just mounted the infamous verbal bitch slap and his opponent cannot beat it. Now he feels the need to get drunk!

"The Long Shot" Ronnie Long
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