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For Me
Topic Started: Jul 18 2008, 07:13 PM (85 Views)
ChristianRoman
sVo Champion
[ *  *  *  * ]
I keep rolling along. Don't stop. I can't stop. It's like the snowball effect. It just gets bigger and bigger as moves along - as it goes down a hill of course. But this is different. This is like going up a hill. I'm moving my way up to the top once again. I'm showing everyone what I know - and how I can perform. Travis Williams was nothing for me; Talon and William Voorheez will be nothing to me; but this week - this week, Nathan Paradine will be nothing to me. A man consumed by a moment in time that he can't get past. A man moved by such jealousy and rage over that single cataclysmic moment where everything seemed to go wrong. Boy. That man sounds like me. Would you ever think that was Nathan Paradine?

Jealousy. Invidious. Envious.

"Why do some people change, and yet others, don't? Why are some people harnessed by that one point in their lives that keeps their feet rooted on the ground? Why did You imbue some people with that strength to move on, while You gave others a weakness that can never be surmounted? Why did You give that weakness to me?"

To make you stronger.

"How could a weakness make me stronger?"

It would teach you to fight. It would teach you to overcome.


"And I've done nothing but disappoint You, haven't I?"

It depends on the way you look at it.

"Great. That's exactly what I wanted to hear."

Why does My approval matter so much to you? Why do you even care?

"Because You've asked me to care. How could I not?"

And you listen to everything I tell you to do, even if You don't like it, don't you?

"Almost everything."

Surprise. It's a wonderful day, as per usual. For everyone except for yourself, of course. You hate large gatherings – which makes it interesting that you were such a follower when it came to heading to Mass every single day, or why you're a professional wrestler for that matter. Crowds seem to follow you. But you always try and get away. You enjoy the isolation. You want to have the time to think. The time to mend. The time to plot your own course and shape your own destiny. You don't yet understand that your destiny has already been formed for you; you don't yet understand that everything has already been thought; and you definitely don't yet realize that you will never mend. You wait in vain for that moment when it's all going to click for you. Despite the fact that you say that you never want to heal – that you use that excruciating moment that changed your life forever as a jumping off point – it's none of that. It's a crutch for you. It's what you hang on to when you fall off the deep end. And you drown. You drown, drown, drown away into your own misery.

It's like a broken record. The story can repeat itself so many times that it makes the reader – the audience – bored of what happens. You complain, He reassures you, you complain some more, He scolds you, you fight back, He adheres to you and then boom: moral lesson of the day. You always go back to Him, and from there, you always move on and do His Will. You always step into the ring with someone and destroy their every hope and dream; every ambition and desire (for the most part, and most of the time) and then that's that. You wipe your hands clean of any wrongdoing and defer all of the blame to Him when judgment comes a-knocking. Routine, routine, routine. Repetition, repetition, repetition. It's the motor that keeps you moving. Only problem is that you can't steer the vehicle; that's all on His shoulders.

But things have been going well for you, and that means things will be looking up for you in the near future. You're on a roll, they would say. Nothing's stopping you – a driving force with momentum, if you will. But you know that all good things eventually come to an end. You know that you can't stand on top of the mountain or ride a high for that long; everything always crumbles down at your feet. So you stand perched atop your symbol of greatness, overflowing with the anxiety of one poorly placed step and all it comes down around you. Do you care? Yes and no. You want to leave a lasting impression – one that people can remember and look up to. Veneration is what you search for. It's what you aim for. You don't want to be on the same level as a God; who would? But still, you want to be above the rest. You always have. And you're starting to come back into your form now. You're slowly becoming recognizable again – you know it's a slow process, just like it was in cWo. But that was different – you're getting older now. It's not the same anymore; you're no longer in your prime. Age is casting a shadow over your storied career filled with achievements and victories; untold glories and Hall of Fame announcements. That doesn't stop you. At this point in your life, nothing is going to try and match you – nothing is going to stop you.

“I’m at that point in my life where I have to look towards the past and see what’s left – see the type of person that I’ve become. Through the decisions I’ve made. To see if I’m a different person now. If I’ve changed for the better, if at all, and if I have at the very least.”

Does it matter if you have made a lasting impression on people?


“Of course it does. I’ve always wanted people to remember me.”

For someone who prefers isolation and shies away from large crowds, you sure hope that those same people that you neglect and ostracize turn the other cheek and accept you for who you are and the mistakes that you’ve made.

“I trust in the individual.”

But not the crowd, it seems. Too often, however, the crowd is dictated as a mass group – making decisions on their own as one single body.

“But there is always an individual there to lead them along, and help them make that right decision in their lives. Isn’t that the point of organized religion – what You have had people preach and spill blood in Your Name for since the days of Christ and before?”

Ah, of course. The individual amasses power – but he does so at the hands of the masses. They allow him the power. Just as they allow Me the power.

“What do You mean they allow You the power? Your power is everlasting – it will exist nonetheless.”

Will it? It’s like that old proverb, Christian: “If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it still make a sound?”


“Well, of course it does. Just because a person isn’t there doesn’t mean that it doesn’t create a noise.”

But sound is limited to those that can entertain that noise. Do you see my point?

“Erm, I guess so.”

The point of the matter is that without people, I do not exist. Sure, power is limitless – but only when somebody believes in it. You need to make that type of statement if you hope to be remembered, Christian. People need to believe in you, and they do so not just by you winning, but also by what you do in life.


“I understand.”

What you need to do is get past that moment in life where everything went wrong. Then you can become the man you were destined to become.

“I can’t. I can’t do it.”

Then you will become like Nathan Paradine. A man consumed by rage and jealousy. A man that cannot contend with the notion that things have not turned out the way that he has wanted them to. A man that resembles you.

You’re walled off from the world. Sitting in a vacant room somewhere, it doesn’t matter. You stare at a mirror. You see yourself. You love what you see. You don’t like what you see. It’s you, but it’s not you at the same time. You were once a different person. A better person, perhaps, but a different person nonetheless. You worried about her, and that was it. That’s why you can’t stand a man like Nathan Paradine. That’s why you can’t stand people in general that abuse women in any type of fashion. Your feelings for her exploded to encompass all women – especially women in peril. You’re a sucker for the damsel in distress story, and it’s run you into trouble in the past. Just another reason to release some anger on Nathan Paradine. But it’s more than that. You look into that mirror and you see him. You see a person that you could have become; a person that you still could become, pending on the opportunities, or the problems at that. You could be him. But it’s important to remember that you’re not. You’re not. And you never want to be. But sometimes that’s not going to cut it.

You try and think back to a different time. Another lifetime, perhaps, where things weren’t as fucked up as they are now. Where you weren’t chasing vodka with rum, and you weren’t sobbing yourself to sleep most nights. There must have been a better time out there, you try and think to yourself. But it’s all gone. There wasn’t. There was. They’re all hypothetical questions that no longer bring you the answers that you need. You wonder if they even have answers. You can only remember her context; her face fades more and more each day. You have one faded photograph of her, but that’s all that’s left. Years of love have been wiped away by years of time. You try and make believe that it doesn’t matter anymore. You fail. Miserably at that. Just like everything else. Just like protecting her.

You stare deeply into that mirror, questioning your very existence. Questioning yourself and how you can go on knowing that you could have been Nathan Paradine. That there was a moment in your life where you could have taken that path and wound up like him, an unsatisfied individual – a person who dwells on the past unlike any other. Unlike you, even. You need to remind yourself that you’re unique, but when it’s all said and done, you know that you’re not. You know that a very fine line separates you from him, and you hate that about yourself. That’s why you want to hurt him. You want to look at him and see that side of yourself that you tried to eradicate (and thought that you had for that matter) until now. You watch yourself in the mirror casually, but then suddenly erupt. You shatter that mirror with your fists, watching the blood trickle down your knuckles. That mirror saw in you what you couldn’t see in yourself.

What do you expect to accomplish?


“To face some personal demons and conquer them. To try and overcome my past.”

That's what I like to hear coming from you finally.

“That’s why I said it. I knew You’d get a kick out of it.”

Are you saying things only to please Me?


"Perhaps. But does it really matter?"

In the long run it might, you know.

"I don't see how."

Fine, fine. As long as you go out there and work in the Name of the Lord, I am pleased. You know this.

"Oh, I know that. But that's not what I'm doing this time."

Wait - what? What do you mean?

"You've offered me redemption, but never a single source of how to reconnect. Of how to overcome."

Did you want Me to hold your hand along the whole way?

"No - but I wanted something more from You that I never got."

What is that?

"I don't know just yet."

Then what are you doing? Why are you facing this man?


"Just this time. This one is for me."
Edited by ChristianRoman, Jul 18 2008, 08:02 PM.
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