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Alone
Topic Started: Jun 27 2008, 03:36 AM (210 Views)
ChristianRoman
sVo Champion
[ *  *  *  * ]
Are you worried? Because I am. I'm afraid that if I don't succeed this time around something dreadful will happen. Something that I've never imagined, nor want to imagine. I don't know what to expect if I fail once more. Why am I afraid of Him? He gave me His word - there are no more lies between us! - but that word means nothing in hindsight. He's broken it so many times in the past that it means moot to me now. So then why do I still trust Him? Who knows. Maybe it's because He's all that's left - He's the only One that knows and can understand. I'm connected to Him - trapped by Him - for the rest of my life and beyond. And I can never break free.

You're facing a dead man walking, Christian.

"A what?"

William Voorheez. Evil channels through him. He's lost the battle - the will to survive as one of God's creatures. He must be dealt with swiftly and forcefully.

"No mercy? No salvation for the one who has lost his path?"

He had his chance.


"I don't buy it. There's still good in him, I know it."

So be it. Do not waste the Lord's time with what you feel is the right thing to do. The Lord is all-powerful and all-knowing. He has plotted out the course of William's life; it is time that he is punished for his inadequacies and failings as a human.


"I won't let You do it to him. I'll stop it; I'll refuse."

You can't. That's not part of the rules -

"So what? So what if I break these precious rules of Yours and defy the Almighty's plan? What are You going to do about it? I'm already at Your service for an eternity - what more could You possible do to me?"

I'll make sure that You never see them again.


"And then what? You've already promised me that I never would see them again - try again!"

You're making Me angry, you know.

"I don't give a shit, if You hadn't noticed. You made it this big production - that I was fulfilling the wishes of the Lord. What have You done for me lately besides push me around and tell me that I'm doing all of these things for a better and brighter future on my own behalf?"

But isn't that what you wanted? A better future for yourself?

"No - I wanted a better future for them. But You stole them from me. You took them from me before they even had a chance. You can call it whatever You like, and You can say whatever you want about me - but You stole them. And now I'm never getting them back."

You watched her move casually across the lawn in her front yard, smiling at how gracefully she exited her house and how nature seemingly complemented her every action, every movement. The blades of grass perculated and formed a contrast on her porcelain white skin, creating an image that reminded you of paintings you once saw in a museum from medieval times. You know the ones - where they depict a goddess of some type with the precise qualities of the Virgin Mary. Perfection in beauty. Her wavy hair seemed outlandlish next to her skin, but only served to heighten your interest in her. You only watched from afar; you were too afraid. You were still a boy and she was that unattainable female. She must have had countless male suitors; you were certain of it. Her beauty was unparalleled. But she didn't - you were the gem in her eye. It was always you; it was only you. And it still is - that will never change.

You wished away that day constantly. You don't like to speak about it, but it's something that invades the privacy of your mind whenever your thoughts wander afar. You remember the color of the sky and the brisk breeze that made your hair flow; you look back now and wonder why it wasn't storming - terrible things in life usually happen on rainy days. But that's only in the movies, or in books. Nothing made this day stand out more than it already had. It was a normal day - that's when the majority of evil is spread throughout the world. It was your evil - the thing that ruined your life and sent it down the toilet. On a downward spiral. But for someone else, it was an action perpetrated to achieve a goal. That goal never mattered to you though. You weren't one of them, and the last thing you ever wanted to do was face that particular person. Your family begged it of you, but you were already gone. You think about that often. Sometimes her face is a faded memory, remembered only after several minutes of pondering and associating her with things that you did together. But his face - his face comes to mind in the blink of an eye. You'll never forget that. Not for the rest of your life.

He had pale blue eyes that resembled yours. Straight black hair that poofed out in the front, but if he used gel, he's definitely be able to pull it all back and become someone who was more suave, especially with the way he dressed. He was young, in the prime of his life, perhaps. Maybe right out of university with a degree in some type of liberal arts or humanities topic. He wore a black tie on a plaid shirt; complete with a lapel that bore the shield of his family. An overcoat covered his true desire. He had a mole on his left cheek that looked oddly out of place and was surely the focal point of numerous jokes. You only saw the look of horror on his face after he pulled the trigger. It didn't matter to you that only seconds before he had grinned at his task. It didn't matter to you either that he thought that this was his calling in life. That this was what he was supposed to do - that he was destined to do for the sake of the country. He was a patriot. His name was Roland Kerry. Her name was Katherine.

You still don't get it, do you?


"I'm a bit hard of hearing and have something of a learning curve. You may have to explain it to me at least once more, maybe twice. I don't know, we'll see how much I absorb after this lecture."

You think this is all a game.


"What else is it? It's a competition, You know? It's not deciding the good and evil of the world and siphoning them off in either direction. It's not about that at all."

Then what is it about, Christian? You tell me. You seem to have all the answers - why don't I give you the keys so you can let yourself in next time? Clearly you don't need me anymore.

"No - maybe I don't! You've been a hindrance all along, You know! You've always been getting in the way, telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing. I make the decisions around here - remember that!"

Oh, I won't have to. You will. I'm down with this for now. You need some time to cool down and remember where you came from. Where you learned. Where you bore witness to the Truth.

"What Truth? The Mercy of the Almighty that You preach and never actually demonstrate? Is that the Truth that you've been so callously proclaiming all this time?"

There is Mercy in the Almighty - it's just not what you hoped and expected.

"No - I expected something different from an Almighty. I expected forgiveness and acceptance, the way that it's preachd about in the Good News. Your vision and perspective are lax; you miss the point."

No, Christian - you miss the point. Don't you see that we're in the end of days?


"Don't feed me this story again. Time and time again you work over the same routine. That we're coming to the end of the world and there needs to be a crusader to lead the charge against the evils and indecencies that exist in this world. Does that about sum it up?"

You've left out the most important aspect, of course. And I know why - it doesn't suit your needs. You're trying to shirk the responsibility that was leveled to you. Just like always. Just like when you were a child. That's why you spent a lifetime being the first in line; the first one to step forward when a volunteer was needed.

"What are you getting at?"

This all your fault. It always was, and always will be. Everything you've done since your youth - you can't live it down that your life wasn't the way you wanted it to be. And that's why you hate Me. That's why you hate the Almighty. Because the Almighty created it, and you're looking for a source to push the blame to. Just like you always would.

After it happened, you wouldn't leave her. You refused to let her go. Throngs of people gathered around to witness what had occurred. You held on tightly, dragged her like a rag doll. She was already gone and you knew it, but that didn't stop you. You wanted to feel her skin against yours one more time. To smell her hair just once. To touch that protruding, expectant stomach. People tried to pull you away, but you were relentless. Only the police succeeded, forcing you away so that she could leave with an ambulance. There was a cold, blank stare from her lovely green eyes, boring a hole straight through your disheveled face as you watched her taken away. She was gone. In more ways than one. You were alone now; alone once again. Not the first time, certainly not the last time.

You tried to call him. You picked up the phone several times, once going as far as dialing the numbers and listening to the first ring, but that was as far as you could force yourself to go. You wanted to know what it was like. What it was like to kill a person. You were always drunk, reaching wildly for the phone. It always resulted in you sobbing your eyes out into your hands, climaxing with you passing out on the floor, hugging the phone as if it were her. You knew his name, and you knew where he was being held. You were gone by the time you found out where he was, but that didn't stop you from trying to call. You'd stare at the phone, almost willing it to ring - you wanted to hear him on the other line. You knew what his voice sounded like, but you never heard it. You knew everything about him - you knew what he was going to say. You scripted how you would answer everything, and how he would apologize for what he had done. How he would tell you that it was all his fault, and not yours. That he took away something beautiful and that he's lived the last fifteen years of his life regretting his actions, thinking about what he's done while he rots in a prison for the rest of his life. You think about all of that - and then it comes to you. This means you as well.

You were fucked up. You still are. But not as much as you were before. That's when he came to you. He spoke to you in the middle of the night and told you that everything would be okay. That this was just a test of His, that soon enough, you would be past it. That was your resurrection. But it didn't last long enough. You shredded your knee in several places and thought you were finished, but He came back once more, telling you to work past it, that there was light at the other end of the tunnel. But you ignored him. You thought He let you get like this in the first place - you had listened to Him and potentially ruined your blossoming career. So you went alone and achieved great success - more than you had before. And now He's back again, and you're failing. You're miserable once more, broken again. Shattered into a million different shards. You watch them fall away from you after you cut your hand against the mirror. This is what you have now become. A man who is pushed and prodded along by an entity that people don't believe in. People think you're a maniac for what you claim you can do. Maybe it's time to hang up them up - maybe it's time to go alone once more. That's the only way anything ever gets done around here. That's the only way that you can achieve personal victory. Not through Him; He's useless to you now. Gold awaits you - and it's right in front of you.

"I'm finished - and He's finished for now. He helped me all that He could, but it wasn't enough. In the end, I disappointed him. What a shocker. I always disappoint those who put stock in me somehow. They expect me to be something that I'm not - they expect me to be some type of a Superman. I'm only me, and that's all there is to it. I'm not the person I was fifteen years ago; I'm not the person I was fifteen weeks ago; nor am I the person I was fifteen hours ago. He always said that people remained the same, but the environment was the catalyst - it changed. He's wrong. People change all the time. I'm one of those people."

"If you're looking for a hero, you're looking in the right place. I've never been afraid to stand up for what I believe in, or be a champion for the causes of others; I'm not afraid of the backlash associated with who I align myself with, nor am I afraid of taking the fight to them. He still means the world to me, you know. That will never change. But this time - just this time - I'm on my own. But that doesn't mean I'm vulnerable. The lives of those around me are about to change. Broken I no longer am - my mind is clear, my heart is heavy but pure. I look towards the sky and then look within for the answers that I need to press forward in life."

"Sunday rolls around, and it's not only time to defy the odds placed against me by the fans, and the community within sVo itself. It's time to defy gravity. William Voorheez and Joseph Equinox are merely pieces in the puzzle that I am constructing that will trace out my time spent within the sVo. It is only a matter of time before I reach the top - it is only a matter of time before I strap the sins of the flesh around my waist and revel in all of its glory. My time to shine has come once again, and if it is at the expense of another then so be it. The Mercy of the Almighty will set you all free - and I am the man to show you how."
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