| Turbulence | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 31 2008, 04:09 PM (65 Views) | |
| ChristianRoman | May 31 2008, 04:09 PM Post #1 |
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sVo Champion
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One more time. I figured I’d try my luck just once more. See if I struck gold. Who knows, maybe it would be worth my while. Now I’m thinking that leaving in the first place was the wrong decision. But no – I can’t be wrong. He told me I wasn’t wrong. That you need to forge new paths in life; that it’s the only way things are going to get done. The only way you’re going to learn more about yourself. I don’t know about Him, but I know enough about myself for one hundred me’s. So on the road again, eh? “What did You expect?” I expected you to rough it for awhile, frankly. I expected you to pull yourself together and strengthen up. “I’m past that garbage now. You know I don’t stand for that type of shit anymore. Years ago, maybe. I’m too old now – I can’t waste my time pretending that everything is alright.” That’s fine, that’s fine. But what about that conversation we had regarding why obstacles are placed in front of people? Do you remember that at all? “Of course I remember. You know I don’t forget things. Especially conversations that we have.” Then what happened? You agreed with me then, and then decided that you didn’t want to follow the rules anymore? “You’re on Your own high horse. Whatever happened to free will? We discussed that as well.” But you broke the rules. “Rules are meant to be broken, no? Isn’t that why they’re in place?” I’m disappointed in you. I thought that you would do the right thing. You know: obstacles are placed in front of you so that you can overcome them. So that you can learn from them. So that you can learn about yourself. “I know enough about me. You know enough about me. What difference does it make?” It doesn’t matter now; you’ll never know. You wake up slowly, almost fighting the urge to open your eyes and accept life as you know it. Slowly, your eyelids peel back, giving you the opportunity to quickly glance around your environment. A person – a man – in a business suit, reading a newspaper, is sitting on your right, paying you no heed. You realize that you’ve been slouching. Always bad for posture, always what you’ve done. You pull yourself up to an upright position using the arm rests and look to your left. A small window. You pull the shade up to reveal nothing but blue sky. Flying high. You were never afraid of heights, or planes, for that matter, but you were always afraid of landing. Of falling. Something about it you never enjoyed. You hoped it wasn’t soon. Then you wish you had stayed asleep. You wouldn’t mind that much then. You give another glance to the man sitting next to you who is completely absorbed in his paper. Concentration is the key. You shake loose the cobwebs and smooth your pants with your hands. You’re not trying to make a good first impression; you’re trying to get rid of that strange, warm feeling in your hands that you always get when you wake up. It’s always about you and what you feel, isn’t it? You gaze around the plane, soaking in the atmosphere. You must be somewhere in the middle of your flight. People are less anxious now. They’re content, for the time being. You try and catch the eye of the flight attendant. You wonder if they have any of those little bottles of alcohol that you always see in the movies and on television shows. You finally attract her attention. A pretty brunette with hazel eyes leans over the businessman next to you, inquiring about your desires. She disappears towards the front of the plane. You lean back into the cushioned chair now, knowing that you can relax a bit. You briefly glance out the window, taking in the beauty of the sky. You remember that it was a day like today when everything went wrong, but you quickly push that invading thought of your mind with one of your arrival in Scotland. You haven’t been back in almost six months; you know that this is the closest you will ever get to going back home. You savor it. You relish knowing that you’re so close, but at the same time, so far away. You look back towards the aisle at the perfect moment, as the flight attendant returns, holding several bottles for you. You need it. It needs you. You smile at her kindly and she returns the favor, handing you what you need to go on. The businessman glances at the amount of small bottles you now have in your possession, shaking his head as he returns to his paper. Some people don’t understand. Some people will never understand. You pull down your tray and place them all there in a row, lining them up perfectly with their labels facing you. Obsessive compulsive. You smile at perfection and then reach forward, upsetting them as you pull a bottle from the middle and pour it into your ice-filled glass. You let it settle for a moment and then raise it to your lips. It makes you feel alive again. So are you going to go home now? Since you’ll be so close? “You know the answer to that question before You even ask it. Why would You even bother asking me?” I’m just trying to make conversation. But I thought that maybe you would take a drive over and look around. “Never. This is as close as I’ll ever get again.” It may not be a bad thing, you know. It may help to heal old wounds. “I don’t need healing. Pain reminds me of the way I feel for them. For her. I would never let it go.” But it’s natural, you know. It’s natural for you to suffer. It’s natural for you to come to terms with it and move on with your life. “I’ve moved on, You know this. But I can’t get past that. You know it keeps me going in life. Without that pain, I wouldn’t exist.” Then what are you going to do? Go through your life and take out all of that emotion on every single person that steps into a ring against you? Or gets in your way? Like this poor fellow next week? There are better ways than that and you know it. “Just because I know that doesn’t mean I want to do it. This is how I cope. If You can’t accept it and deal with it, then we’re through here. You of all people should know and accept me for who I am. Isn’t that one of Your redeeming qualities? You love people for who they are?” That doesn’t mean that I won’t go out of my way to help someone better themselves if the opportunity presents itself. “Just forget it, alright? This is my way.” But you can do so much more. You can be so much more. Just look around you. This is what it’s come to? “Yes, this is what it’s come to – and I’m perfectly content with that.” Then that’s all that matters. Just don’t make the same mistake twice. “I won’t. Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.” That’s what I’m afraid of. Now you feel woozy. Maybe you shouldn’t have drank several of those tiny bottles within the span of a few minutes. Your throat begins to burn as you look from side to side, trying to find a vomit bag. Just in case, you know. You take a deep breath and that urge in your stomach settles down, allowing you to lean back and enjoy the remaining bottle. It’s the only thing that can get you through the day. You laugh to yourself at how small they are, and lift one up into the air, putting it up against a light, studying it. Insignificant. But it still packs a punch when the times come. How that relates to yourself, you think. Once again, always about you. Feeling good now, you grin to the businessman next to you. He doesn’t return the smile. Evidently, he’s not impressed by your drinking prowess as he continues to stare down at the newspaper. You briefly wonder if it’s the same page; if he’s bored, bored with you and his life in general. For a fraction of a second you create this man’s life in your head. A beautiful wife, two children, two pets – a large house atop a hill with two cars. Everything you almost had but slipped out of your fingers. Maybe. You scoff at this creation in your head and remind yourself that you are nothing like him. That maybe, everything is wrong in his life and that you’re just filling a void in your own pathetic persona. But then again, you may be dead on with his imaginary life – it might be real. All of a sudden it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. You give him one more quick glance and then return your gaze to the window. It’s the only place besides those bottles you can find any type of solace or even perfection. The sky is the limit, they used to tell you. You always laughed. You know what you wanted to do and how you wanted to do it. You were content with never reaching for the stars. It wasn’t always because you were afraid of falling from such great heights. No. It was because you had people to ground you back to Earth. To make sure that those lofty aspirations and dreams of yours never consumed your mind and soul. You had her. As much as she made you want to do everything in your power to provide for her, and as much as you wanted to be the person that everybody always said you should be, she kept your feet firmly planted on the ground. She knew your tendencies. She knew how you could get carried away easily and lose control. She knew you could and most certainly would do things like you do now. You are out of control. You are lost. Bang. Boom. Crash. Scream. Let me get this straight and see if I can understand it if we go over it one more time. “I’m all ears.” You’re flying to Scotland to participate in another debut, against someone named Slahter.” “Correct. Go on.” But you’re not going home. Regardless of the fact that you’re a mere few hours at best from where you’ve grown up, and from the spot your life changed drastically forever – “Cut to the chase. I don’t want to hear that.” Well, I can’t go on. It just seems odd. “We’ve already covered this. I’m not going back. Scotland is as far as my wind will take me.” How about my winds? “Forget Yours. There doesn’t need to be any type of an intervention. When I go, it will be on my own accord. Can we at least get to the point and focus on my upcoming weekend?” Sure, certainly. It just seems odd, that’s all. Another person would just, you know, try and heal. “I am healing. In my own way. Listen, You know this as well as I do. When I want to go back, I’ll go back. It’s as simple as that.” I knew it. You’re afraid. “What? No – of course not. Are you being serious? That’s what you think is holding me back all these years?” It’s more than that. You don’t want to face the music. You don’t want to see what’s there because you have some perfect idea of what everything was like that day when it all occurred. You can’t deal with it being altered and changing your perspective once and for all. “What’s Your point? I’m in a hurry – I need to get ready.” I bet you do. You need to just take our all of your frustration on some poor guy now. I won’t stand for it any longer. You have the power to change yourself and everything around you. Instead, you wallow in your own pity and focus your abilities in self-destructive habits. You’re not only killing yourself, but others around you. “There are no others around me. Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand why I’ve isolated myself after all these years? This is my pain. Nobody else’s. People like Slahter – I don’t know who he is, nor do I care. But You once taught and showed me. The Will of God will triumph over the heathen. And so it shall. And regardless of your petty, indifferent problems in life regarding your inability to accept the truth that’s in front of you; nevertheless, you see the larger picture. “You are the only One that I could ever trust.” Christian, my Son, rise up and overcome these boundaries. Your chariot awaits you. “When will I see them again?” Crash. |
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8:38 AM Jul 11