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Joeyfest 2008
Topic Started: Feb 23 2008, 02:49 PM (308 Views)
Rex Fury
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[As Rex’s match with Joey Peyton gets closer Rex is finding it harder and harder to relax. He went to bed early on this night to get a couple more hours in before his workout. Rex begins to toss and turn. Rex hasn’t paid his bills and the SVO isn’t paying him until after his match on Sunday. He needs to RELAX! Rex reaches over for his every faithful PLAYBOY Magazine Issue March 2002 but it isn’t there. What can he do?]

Fury: I’ll do what all red blooded American males do when they need some nude babe action. I’ll get on the great computer super highway also known as THE INTERNET!

[Rex gets on the computer and immediately hits up www.ClubJenna.com Thanks to his good pal and Jenna’s boyfriend, Tito Ortiz, Rex gets free access to tons of the good stuff.]

Fury: Oh yeah! Here we go!

BLEEP!........BLEEP!

Fury: Damn you AOL Instant Messenger!

------AOL Messenger Conversation Begins-----

GirthBrooks11: Yo Rex…what up? Why you up so late?

FistsOfFury69: Nada Joe. Can’t sleep.

GirthBrooks11: You worried about Joey Peyton?


FistsOfFury69: I always get worked up for a match but no.

GirthBrooks11:How they treating ya there in the SVO?

FistsOfFury69:So far so good. Can’t really complain...other than Joey’s bullshit. The guy has no sense of humor. Somehow Peyton thinks its exciting to watch him play casino games…I’d rather watch someone on the sVo OOC boards start another dopey thread about how they love tacos and enemas.

GirthBrooks11: Speaking of such things, guess what I did today.

FistsOfFury69: Surprise me.

GirthBrooks11: I hacked into the SVO internet database.

FistsOfFury69: Why’d ya do that?

GirthBrooks11: Bored. You wanna see what I found.

FistsOfFury69: Sure as long as no donkeys are involved.

GirthBrooks11: Nah man. Cops told me next time I did that I’d be in some shit.

FistsOfFury69:So what did you find?

GirthBrooks11: Well ya know da former porn star Joey Stryker? SVO just finished designing his website. Looks good. Check it out. www.joeystryker.com

[Rex clicks it.]

FistsOfFury69: What’s up with all the NYQUIL logos on Stryker’s page?

GirthBrooks11:I guess you didn’t hear about NYQUIL not being able to put those sleep causing agents into their bottles of NYQUIL.

FistsOfFury69: Nope. Can’t say I did.

GirthBrooks11: Stupid kids were using it to make crack. Nyquil wants it’s users to log on to Joey Stryker’s website right after they take Nyquil so they can fall asleep.


FistsOfFury69: Nyquil found their man.

GirthBrooks11: I also found the Mike Polowy web page. www.mikepolowy.com

[Rex clicks it]
FistsOfFury69: Dude, there’s nothing there.

GirthBrooks11: Yeah they left it blank. They figured no one would ever notice.

FistsOfFury69:Makes sense LOL!

GirthBrooks11: Man this one had me ROTFLMAO.

www.JoeyPeyton.com

FistsOfFury69:They’re giving this jizz guzzler his own page? Damn, it’s the first one to be completed.

GirthBrooks11: Yeah the visit counter has hit a grand total of 3 hits and it’s the only that’s been out since the inception of the SVO.

FistsOfFury69: He has a TOUR section on his page. Where is this fruit going to? Who exactly is begging for the Peyton World tour?

GirthBrooks11: Oh before I get in trouble I should say that this is Joey Peyton's ALLEGED page. Some hacker could have gone into his original page and changed things.

FistsOfFury69: Keep covering your ass. BRB...

[Rex clicks the TOUR section]

TOUR

This is the section where you can keep tabs on the whereabouts of Joey Peyton.


February 20th, 2008 – The Big Banana-West Hollywood, Ca. 7pm
February 21st, 2008 - Ripples- Long Beach, Ca. 7pm
February 23rd, 2008- JOEYFEST 2008-????
March 3rd, 2008 – The Boom Boom Room- San Francisco, Ca. 7pm
March 15th, 2008- Rage- South San Francisco, Ca. 7pm

Please bring your own gag balls and leather ass-less chaps. Be on time because the doors open at 7 and close at 7:05. No one gets out till the next morning.

TOUR SECTION End

FistsOfFury69:I can’t believe this guy goes on tour. Who would pay to see him? And what on God’s green earth is JOEYFEST 2008? This guy sure is in love with himself.

GirthBrooks11:I don’t know. Did you check out his movie review page?

FistsOfFury69: I’ll take a look at it.

MOVIE REVIEW

This week’s movie review is my personal favorite movie…DOLLS WITH BALLS. This movie stars a young Boy George and Nathan Lane. It’s the grand story of a doll who wants to play with Ken’s(from Barbie fame) balls. This is a magical movie. It made me cry with tears of joy at the end. It is indeed Director Phil McGroin’s best work and will surely win him the Oscar next year for best film.

FistsOfFury69: That isn’t exactly Ebert and Roeper reviewing The Godfather.

GirthBrooks11: Yeah I know. You wanna see something even grosser?

FistsOfFury69: No.

GirthBrooks11: Click on this link and you’ll be able to enter into Joey Peyton’s world. I hacked into his home computer. The fag even has a Diary on his myspace.

Joey P’s MySpace Journal

January 29th 2008- Today Joey Stryker and I worked out at the gym. Styker was wearing some nice tight pants. It made me want to scream! I wonder if he knows I like him. I’m sure me kissing his neck while he slept gave him a good idea.

FistsOfFury69: Dude. Stop it with this shit.

GirthBrooks11: There is tons of stuff that I got. I can give you his Facebook if you want it.

FistsOfFury69:Dude, I’m going to bed.

GirthBrooks11: I found more of Joey Peyton’s stuff. Check out his e-sodomy profile.

FistsOfFury69:You mean e-harmony?

GirthBrooks11: Nope. It’s e-sodomy.

FistsOfFury69: Why do you know that?

[The file pops up]

E-SODOMY

Name: Joseph Elton John Peyton
Age: Ageless
Hometown: West Hollywood, Ca.
Favorite Color: What ever lipstick color Joey Stryker is wearing that day.
Hobbies: Body building, letting my hair get really oily.
Looking For: A stud bigger than Barbaro.

[Rex has seen enough and clicks off]

FistsOfFury69:That is some secret life Mr. Peyton leads.

GirthBrooks11: You sure you want to get in the ring with that walking HIV bag?

FistsOfFury69:It’s mandatory. Let me cruise around the JoeyPeyton.com pages.

[Rex starts to look at a section Joey Peyton’s web designer calls FAN FEEDBACK]

FAN FEEDBACK

Joey,
I can’t wait to see you at JOEYFEST 2008. I got tickets through the website and can not wait till I see you at the undisclosed location. It will be rockin’! Kick Rex Fury’s ass!

Love,
RuPaul
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joey,
Love ya man. Can’t wait for JOEYFEST 2008! It is gonna be da bomb!

Love Your Honey Bunny,
Joe Stykedaddy Stryker
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rex proceeds to read Joey Peyton’s THIS DATE IN JOEY PEYTON HISTORY page.]

Fury: Woah…I never saw this part added to Joey’s Biography page on the SVO page.

On this date in Joey Peyton history….

February 10, 1998
Joey Peyton, Christian Heights and El Gimiko are driving back home from doing a show in Belleview, Washington when the weather starts getting really rough. The 3 men decide to put their money together and get a hotel room. The 3 men walk into the Motel 6 with a grand total of 8 dollars and fifty cents. El Gimiko had 100 bucks earlier but spent most of it at the taco bell that same morning. The owner of the Motel being a pervert decides that if their combined penis size was at least 10 and a half inches he would give them the room for free. First Christian Heights went up and he measured at 9 inches. After 5 penile implant surgeries something had to give. El Gimiko went next and showed up a miniscule 1 inch. Joey Peyton goes up and gets half an inch. As the motel owner gets the key Joey Peyton turns to Christian Heights and Skull and says “Lucky for us I popped a boner.”

[YOU’VE GOT MAIL]

[Rex opens his email and finds one from www.JoeyPeyton.com ]

THE E-MAIL

Rex Fury,
It is to our knowledge that this week on ROLL THE DICE you will be taking on our hero Joey Peyton. You happen to be the superstar that faces Joey on the week of JOEYFEST 2008. JOEYFEST 2008 is a celebration of Joey Peyton’s career and future success. Being that you are his opponent for this week we would like to invite you to JOEYFEST 2008…the catch is that you have to find out where we are at. For your troubles we will reward you with 50,000 dollars. If you do take this challenge on and find us we would like for u to head to the podium and address the crowd. When that is complete you can go ahead and collect your money.

Sincerely,
Chris Champion
Heads of JOEYFEST 2008

PS Your first clue is this…

Second City it is no more,
This place has replaced this hole,
Bring your Lakers finger of foam
This is the place Joey Peyton calls home.

PPS Text message the number 36541 with the name of the city you are in and when you arrive and more clues will be revealed.

PPPS Text message the number 59595 to enter the DEAL OR NO DEAL Contest.

PPPPS Text message the number 15424 to vote for Kelly Clarkson on American Idol.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fury: L.A. here I come!! Wait a sec. That clue was too easy. If it was any easier Id have to call it Mrs. Peyton. I have to call Rod. Why am I so excited? I live about half an hour away…anyway…

[Rex dials his cell phone and on the other end Rod Majors, his agent picks up.]


Fury: Rod, sorry to call you so late but I have a great money making opportunity.

Rod Majors: Does it involve a midget or a gerbil?


Fury: None of the above. I get to go on a scavenger hunt in L.A.!

Rod Majors: How much cash?


Fury: $50,000!

Rod Majors: I’ll go pick you up in about 20 minutes. I’m calling your new assistant to join us for this trip to L.A. It will be a good chance for you two to get to know each other. Remember 10% goes to the agent.


Fury: When did you get me an assistant?

Rod Majors: When you got lost at your own apartment complex and couldn’t find your way back.


Fury: Apartment V as in Vagina. I remember now.

Rod Majors: Get ready and I’ll see you in 20 minutes.

[The men hang up their phones and Rex heads over to the television while he waits for his super agent Rod Majors. Rex watches the biography channel where they are reviewing the life and times of Gene Siskel…SUPER CRITIC…Rod finally arrives with Rex’s new assistant Ms. Jane Curry. Jane is a good looking girl but not extremely hot like the many other women Rex has bedded. The three exchange greetings and head to downtown L.A.]

Rod Majors: So now where do we go from here?

Fury:I don’t know. This is all I got so far.

Rod Majors: This is the only directions you have to get to your $50,000?


Fury: Wait, wait I remember let me text message this number.

[Rex text messages 36541 and instantly receives a reply]

TEXT MESSAGE FROM #36541

Welcome to L.A. Rex. Here is your next clue:

You are from OC,
The brown skins you always see,
The place to go is on 19th Street
Hurry up or your ass I will beat.

Fury:Anyone have a clue?

Ms. Jane: I’m looking online. Palm Pilots rule!

Rod Majors: Where do Mexicans hang out here in L.A.?

[They look around and notice all the Mexicans]


Fury: Where don’t they hang out? Hey Paco, is there a Taco Bell on 19th Street?

[The Mexican guy standing next to Rex turns around and begins talking]

Paco: I do not know senor. There be lots of Taco Bells in this city. I do not appreciate your vicious stereotypes.

Fury:I don’t appreciate your bad breath or the fact that you’re wearing a Raiders shirt that says REAL WOMEN WEAR BLACK.

Ms. Jane: AHA! Mr. Fury I found it. The Mexican Fine Arts Center and Museum. It’s on 19th street.

[Rod Majors gets the car and the 3 proceed to go to the Mexican Museum. They arrive and are greeted by a guy in a giant Mexican mariachi hat.]

Mariachi Hat Guy: Senor, welcome to the museum. I hope you and your companions have enjoyed your excursion.

Fury: We’ve only been here for less than an hour. I don’t want to be rude but do you know of JOEYFEST 2008? We need to find it.

Mariachi Hat Guy: No I can not say that I have. Go through the museum and maybe the answers will come to you like diarrhea after eating a bean and cheese burrito.

Ms. Jane: Something tells me the answer is in the museum cafeteria.

Rod Majors: How do you know that? Was it a divine revelation? Woman’s intuition? A message from the great beyond?

Ms. Jane: Actually the sign over there says REX FURY GO TO MUSEUM CAFETERIA.

Fury: Sounds good enough to me. Let’s go.

[The 3 enter the cafeteria where the cook hands them another note]

See the Ratpack in their prime
Can you beat Joey Peyton this one time?
Your second to last clue is waiting
But please Rex no masturbating.

[Rex looks at Jane in an embarrassed way.]

Fury: The Ratpack have been dead for a long time. Where are we going to see them on their prime?

Rod Majors: Beats me.

Ms. Jane: Sounds like a movie or a show. Must be a theatre of some kind.

Rod Majors: HA! Let’s call 411. They can give us show times and what’s playing.

[Rex calls 411]

Fury:Hey is there a Frank Sinatra movie or show in the L.A. Hollywood area?

Operator: Yes, there is a show called THE TRIBUTE TO FRANK, SAMMY, JOEY and DEAN and its playing at the one and only Royal George Theatre on Figueroa. Here’s the number…

[Rex, Jane and Rod call the number and are told to come over as they are being expected. They show up and are greeted by a Sammy Davis Jr. impersonator.]

Sammy Davis Jr: Yeah man. Here is your last clue. Get it right and get paid baaaby!

THE LAST CLUE

All

Frogs

Imagine

Ms. Jane: Well the clue is stifling. I’m lost.


Fury: This one is easy. AFI…American Film Institute.

Rod Majors: How’d you figure that out?

Ms. Jane: Who’s Gene Siskel?


Fury: I was watching the biography channel and it was Gene Siskel’s bio I was watching while I waited for you two to arrive. Gene Siskel was in with the AFI. Look at the first letters of those three words…they spell it out…that and there’s a business card attached with the clue that says AFI on it…

Rod Majors: Gene Siskel was the skinny guy before Roeper teamed up with Ebert.


Fury: Why is it when two guys team up one guy has to be fat and the other skinny? Look at Abbott and Costello…Laurel and Hardy. Fat Albert and one of the skinny black dudes he hung out with. Why can’t both guys be fat? Both guys could be thin but noooo they have to be opposites.

Rod Majors: You done?

Fury: Yeah…I guess. Let’s go get my money at the AFI building.

[The group heads over to the Institute and they are greeted by the head of JOEYFEST 2008, Chris Champion.]

Chris Champion: Rex, congratulations on being the first ever invitee to actually attend our annual JOEYFEST. It is an honor and privilege even though we want Joey to kick your ass we still find it astonishing that you would show up.


Fury: Yeah yeah where is the money?

[Chris Champion hands Rex a check]


Fury: This was the best 50,000 bucks I’ve ever made. Now I can pay off some bills.

Chris Champion: You have to do one more thing Rex. The Annual Joey Peyton Roast. You’re on in 25 minutes.

Fury:I didn’t write anything.

Ms. Jane: Lucky for you I’m always prepared. Here read some of these.

Rod Majors: That’s why I hired her as your assistant Rex.


Fury: Always looking out for me.

Rod Majors: Anyway…get your ass ready you have a roast to perform.

[25 minutes later. The ballroom is filled with LA’s greatest in sports and entertainment as they await the JOEY PEYTON ROAST at JOEYFEST 2008. The MC Jim Belushi comes through the curtains and waves to the crowd.]

Jim Belushi: Thank you everyone. Our next roaster hails from Los Angeles and will be taking on our own Joey Peyton on Roll the Dice this Sunday. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome…Mr. Rex Fury!

[The crowd cheers as Rex enters the stage and shakes Jim Belushi’s hand]

Fury: Thanks John, I loved you in Animal House.

Jim Belushi: I’m Jim.

Fury: Whatever. Anyway, thank you for having me today in the great city of Los Angeles for JOEYFEST 2008. Los Angeles is a great town. You can go anywhere in this city and get greeted as if you were from here. It’s true, on the way here I got mugged once, car jacked twice all in Spanish.

HAHAHA!


Fury: Anyone know what you call a pretty girl from Hollywood?...Paid for.

HAHAHA!

Fury: I’m not one to judge a city by their politicians but you guys take the cake. Mayor Villaraigosa is one corrupt motherfucker. He is so corrupt Mexican cops thinks he goes over the edge.

HAHAHA!

Fury: I see we have Oprah Winfrey in the house.

[The audience claps]

Fury: Oprah is one of the richest women on the planet and when someone gets awfully rich we the regular folks have to make up shit about them. For instance we call guys like Justin Timberlake and Tom Cruise gay. So you know Oprah’s gonna take some scuds from us. We all say Oprah is a lesbo. We say she’s been down on more women than Kotex.

HAHAHA!

Fury: Who else is here? Michael Jordan is here. How are you pal didn’t recognize you without half your money gone. Divorce is a bitch aint it? Shoulda signed a prenup instead of gambling on the Special Olympics. One question Mike…Is it true what they say about black guys?

[Michael Jordan nods in agreement and smiles]

Fury: You smell, you’re lazy, and you can’t read.

HAHAHA!

Fury: I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Black guys get a bad rap. Speaking of black guys getting a bad rap…Former LAPD Detective Mark Fuhrman is here. You may remember him from the OJ Simpson case…This guy has screwed over more black guys than the Dead Beat Dad Laws and the 3 point line combined.

HAHAHA!


Fury: Everyone either loves or hates LA. There are two things in LA that we all feel bad for, the Clippers and Joey Peyton. One is pathetic, with a rotten history and has nothing going for it…the other are the Clippers.

HAHAHA!


Fury: How can anyone be a Clippers fan. All they do is lose. They’re pathetic. Speaking of pathetic…how bad was Joey Peyton’s last installment of what he calls a promo? Poor Joey is going to get a beat down worse than the one Rodney King got from the LAPD. How do you say Joey Peyton and Rodney King in Spanish…PINATA.

HAHAHA!


Fury:I don’t know if any of you have actually met Joey Peyton. When I was backstage at my first sVo event Joey came in and told me about his dreams and aspirations. He told me a bit about his past, where he had come from and where he grew up. He told me how he made his parents proud his senior year of high school when he was voted by his class Most Likely to Succeed. That proud moment ended when his parents saw the yearbook and it said Joey Peyton was MOST LIKELY TO SUCK SEED.

HAHAHA!


Fury: Joey Peyton loves to talk about his great past accomplishments. He says the ratings were great when he came on the television show, please…PBS gets more ratings. Joey Peyton is like Ted McGinley of Happy Days and Married With Children fame…he kills shows!

HAHAHA!


Fury: Actually that’s not true Joey Peyton was on a show that brought in tons of ratings. Anyone catch Joey on NBC’s TO CATCH A PREDATOR? Joey was trying to lure a 13 year old boy over to his place with pizza and ninja turtle doll…Talk about a cheap date. At least Joey’s getting better about the age of the kids…last year Joey went out on a date he had to burp after they had dinner.

HAHAHA!!


Fury: Thanks everyone. I’m Rex Fury…See you Next time at Joey Peyton's funeral at ROLL THE DICE.

[Rex leaves to a standing ovation]


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