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Being Chuck Norris
Topic Started: Feb 22 2008, 10:48 PM (341 Views)
Rex Fury
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sVo Rookie
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The first part was inspired by Chuck Norris...the second part by booze. Okay it was all inspired by booze! ENJOY!

[Huntington Beach, Ca. The hot babes walking around in
almost nothing. The surfers with their boards ready to catch
some killer waves…and the semi-hometown of our hero Rex Fury.
Rex has a big match coming up against Joey Peyton, scrub number 1 and scrub number 2. It's Rex's first PPV
match in the SVO so he wants to make a big splash. He
doesn't want it to be a flop so Rex is training hard at a
local gym aka Huntington Beach Martial Arts with his good pal
Tito Ortiz. Ortiz is another Huntington Beach(though Rex now lives in Newport) guy fighting in
the UFC. Ortiz likes training with Rex because of Rex's
command as a grappler and because of all the big boobied blue
eyed bombshells always seem to follow Rex around. The boys
are training hard when…]


Ortiz: Dude, Rex, what's a matter bro?

Fury: I don't know Tito. I'm not really into today's training
session.

Ortiz: Yeah I can tell. Are you okay? You smell like you
haven't showered in days. You haven't even shaved. Are you
trying to grow a beard?

Fury: You figured me out Tito. I'm trying to grow a beard
because life would be much easier if I was as much of a man
as Chuck Norris.

Ortiz: Chuck Norris? The master of the roundhouse kick? Chuck
Norris is the bomb bro, though someone should tell him to
stay away from Vietnam…he's always getting into deep shit
with those military dictators over there. But everyone should
try and be like Chuck. Good call on trying to grow a beard.
Hiram will fear you…fear you…fear you…fear you…fear you…fear
you…

Fury: Okay that's enough Tito…I get it. This is the part
where I start daydreaming so someone cue the cheesy daydream
music.

[The cheesey SAVED BY THE BELL daydream music plays and now we see Rex Fury laying in his bed but looking like Chuck
Norris. The phone rings and Rex…err Chuck gets it.]


Fury/Norris: What's going on?

Lawyer: I didn't wake you up did I Chuck?

Fury/Norris: No, that would suggest that I actually sleep. I
don't need sleep.

Lawyer: Well Mr. Norris. I have good news for you.

Fury/Norris: If you tell me that you saved a ton of money on
car insurance Im going to go right through that phone and
kill you like I killed that one arab bastard in Delta Force.

Lawyer: Oh…well…then…forget I ever mentioned that…but NBC has
decided to pay you money for using the name Law and Order for
one of their TV shows.

Fury/Norris: Good to see they came to their senses…as if they
didn't know that Law and Order are the names for my right and
left legs.

Lawyer: I'll have the details finalized soon. Thank you Chuck
for letting me pay you to represent you.

Fury/Norris: No problem. Have a good day.

[Rex Fury/Chuck Norris puts the phone down as one of his
beautiful girlfriends walks through the door wearing nothing
but bra and panties.]


Chuck's girlfriend: I want you to do me.

Fury/Norris: No problem.

[Chuck grabs a condom and flips it inside out.'

Chuck's girlfriend: What are you doing?

Fury/Norris: You think I'm going to let you have ALL the
pleasure? Come on baby get to it.

Chuck's girlfriend: Chucky baby before we continue I'd like
to give you a surprise.

[In walks a Pamela Anderson(young version not today’s drag queen looking one) look-alike.]

Chuck's girlfriend: She wants to have a baby but no one can
seem to be able to get her pregnant…want to try?

Fury/Norris: No problem.

[Chuck points at the woman and says BOOYA! Seconds later her stomach starts growing…minutes later you can hear the sounds
of a newborn. Soon enough the woman starts getting major
pains in her stomach. A little fist rips through her stomach
and out comes a baby. Chuck Jr is born and 5 minutes later
little Chuck has grown a beard of his own. Seconds later the
phone rings again]


CIA Agent: Mr. Norris, the time machine you requested is
ready. We have placed it in your backyard.

Fury/Norris: Good.

[Chuck Fury Norris heads to his backyard and jumps into the
space saucer looking thing. Norris presses a few buttons and
Norris goes back in time to Dallas, Texas. It happens to be
the day John Kennedy would get shot. Knowing what's going to
happen Chuck runs towards the Presidents car]


Fury/Norris: NO!!!!

[BANG BANG BANG!! Shots are fired]

Fury/Norris: I'll save you Mr. President!

[Fury/Norris sticks his beard out and the bullets bounce of
causing no damage. The President looks at Chuck Norris in awe]


John Kennedy: I can't believe I just saw that!

Fury/Norris: Believe it sir.

John Kennedy: AGHHH!!

[President Kennedy's head explodes out of sheer amazement in what he just saw. Chuck Norris heads back to the time machine
and back to the present except he lands in France where Lance
Armstrong has just won the Tour De France.]


Fury/Norris: Congratulations Lance.

Armstrong: Thank you Mr. Norris, you are a true hero. I heard
how you smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years…got
cancer and then later removed it from your body by just
flexing for 10 minutes.

Fury/Norris: You have that story wrong Lance…it was 2
minutes.

[As Norris and Lance Armstrong are talking a blind man
accidentally steps on Chuck's toe.]


Armstrong: Cant you see you stupid old man that the legendary
Chuck Norris is standing in front of you.

Blind man: CHUCK NORRIS! OH MY GOODNESS! I CAN SEE! I CAN
SEE!!

Armstrong: By the mere mention of your name this once blind
man can see Chuck.

[Out of nowhere Chuck delivers a deadly round house kick to
the once blind man crippling him again]


Fury/Norris: No one steps on Chuck Norris' Stetson boots. Not
even a blind man.

[Suddenly Superman appears wearing a pair of Chuck Norris
pajamas]


Fury/Norris: Hey Man what's up?

Superman: Can I have your autograph Mr. Norris?

Fury/Norris: No problem kid.

Superman: Whoa! What is the French president doing here?

[The French president Jacques Strap approaches]

Jacques Strap: After watching an episode of Walker Texas
Ranger our country has decided to surrender to you Mr.
Norris. France is officially yours.

Fury/Norris: You guys are bigger pussies than I thought. Even
Joey Peyton and Scubs 1 and 2 would have lasted longer.

Superman: Im impressed by your ability.

Lance Armstrong: Thanks Supes.

Superman: Not yours one nut. Im talking about Chuck here. Let
me buy you dinner Chuck, I know this great steak house
outside of Houston.

Fury/Norris: You know me I never turn down a free meal.

Superman: Up up and away!!

[Superman flies to Houston at super fast speed but when he
arrives he sees Chuck Norris has already eaten 3 cows.]


Superman: Chuck I got here in less than 3 minutes…you ate 3
cows?

Fury/Norris: And fucked the waitress too.

Superman: Here take this logo.

[Superman hands Chuck the BIG S from his chest]

Superman: If I keep using this logo someone is bound to sue
me for false adverstising. U are the real SUPER man.

Fury/Norris: Thank you. If only the SVO would see how great
I really am then I could get a bigger contract like Polowy.
Maybe I should roundhouse Jimmy Moretti… Nah!

[Chuck walks out of the restaurant and walks towards the
stables where prize winning horses are kept and he over hears
a couple talking]


Woman: That horse is hung like Chuck Norris.

Man: I wish I was a quarter size of Chuck's placid manhood.

[Chuck just laughs and laughs and laughs as the daydream
stops and Tito Ortiz and Rex Fury continue laughing]


Ortiz: That would be awesome…Being Chuck Norris.

Fury: I told you bro that Chuck is the greatest of all time. Well, second greatest…Bruce Lee still rules…Chuck’s the greatest man alive today.

Ortiz: After all that, I believe it. Imagine Joey Peyton walking
into the ring and seeing Chuck Norris at the other side. He'd
shit a brick.

Fury: Anyone would. Come Sunday I will dedicate this match to
both my grandma and Chuck Norris. This beard reminds me of both
of them.

Ortiz: It isn't much of a beard Rex. Looks like you've been
playing in the sand or something.

[Both men laugh and then continue training until Rex leaves for…]

[Yet another visit to the old psychiatrist for Rex Fury. He's
had tons of visits since his signing with the SVO. Seems the
doc feels it might be risky for Rex to be back in the
professional wrestling world but Rex doesn't really give a
fuck]


Doctor: Well Rex as much as I hate to have to say it...you're
cleared for your match with Joey Peyton and Scrub 1 and Scrub 2.

Fury: You didn’t hear? Scrub 1 and Scrub 2 are off the match. It’s me and that little whiny bitch Peyton. Peyton is talking about what a great star he is but here he is wrestling a newcomer like myself. If he was that good he’d be taking on Polowy or Alex Ross or Kelly Flawless instead for asking guys in the locker room about how to do a promo. And after all that the numb nuts still imitates me in his latest attempt of a promo. Fuckin’ amateur. I mean what is the deal?

Doctor: Easy Seinfeld don't sell this guy short. There is a
reason that he will be in the ring with you.

Fury: I guess so.

Doctor: Anyway, Rex, I'm done. Have a good day...and whatever
you do don't go to the hood.

Fury: The hood? What's going on in the hood?

Doctor: Oh nothing. Just dont go down there.

Fury:Okay I promise.

[Minutes later Rex Fury is on his computer looking for
directions on MapQuest.]


Fury: The hood...where the heck is this place at? AHA! Bingo.
I love you trusty Mapquest you truly know more than Jeeves.

[Fury grabs a Diet Coke and his lunch size bag of Cheetos
then hops into his motorcyle and heads up the 5 freeway.]


Fury: Let's see...the hood. Where the hell is it?

[Fury decides to pull to the side and re-read his
directions.]


Fury: Let me see. Up Figueroa and down to Century blvd.

[A friendly neighborhood hooker walks up to Rex Fury]

Hooker: Hey honey you looking for some fun?

Fury: You bet!

Hooker: Good. How much money you got?

Fury: About a buck. I had to do laundry today. Can't go
around wearing stinky undies.

Hooker: A buck? Laundry? I don't think you understand honey.
I can make your eyes roll behind your head. Let me work my
magic.

Fury: Really?!! I could pick up tons of chicks with that
neato trick. It can also make me some friends when I get to
the hood.

Hooker: You goin' to da' hood sweetie? What a guy like you
gonna be doin' in da' hood?

Fury: I was thinking of meeting new people. Maybe start a
beanie baby club.

Hooker: Honey chile you are STRANGE...

Fury: That's what everybody says...but can you take me to the
hood?

Hooker: Sure baaayybee!

Fury: Hop on.

[So the self employed model and our hero Rex Fury make their
quest to the hood on Rex's infamous REX-WING. The couple get
stares but soon enough she leads Rex to the hood.]


Fury: So this is it?

Hooker: This be it honey chile.

Fury: Doesn't look like Disneyland.

Hooker: Disney? What the fuck?

[As our hero surveys the area a couple of hood tough guys
walk up to Rex Fury and his companion and just stare at them]


Fury: What are you guys looking at? I know, you like my bike.
I'm still making payments on it but I should be done with
those soon.

Hooker: Devo, what the funk you want? Can't you see I'm
working.

Devo: Don't question me bitch. Yo, Smokey ain't this guy on
TV? Shamequa you be moving up in the world. Got yurself a TV
star.

Shamequa(hooker): He on TV? I know he aint on no American Idol cuz
I be loving dat show.

Smokey: He's the new guy on da wrestling show.

Devo: That's right. He be taking on Joey Stryker Peyton the trickless
magician next week. Oh shit...you gonna get a beat down son.

Fury: A beat down? No way. I'm a straight up G. He wont know
what's going to hit him.

Devo: Joey Peyton is a brother he can take care of hisself.

Smokey: No way. Peyton is whiter than Bryant Gumbel.

Devo: You have no clue Smokey, Peyton look like a half breed.

Smokey: You stupid Devo. I gonna have to show you waz up.
Peyton is a little bitch. Even Fury is more of a G.

Devo: I gonna whip yer ass son.

Fury: So anyone into Beanie Babies? How bout sausages?

Shamequa: Rex is time for you to get outta here.

Fury: No, I came to have fun here in the hood.

[As the two tough guys begin to exchange blows a limo pulls
up]


Shamequa: Who dat be?

[The two thugs stop brawling and look at the limo]

Devo: That be Kanye West. DAMN! Waz up homie?

Kanye: Yo everyone. Drink Pepsi.

Smokey: What you doing down here in da hood? You from the
suburbs. This yer first time down here aint it?

Kanye: True, but I can be gangster.

Devo: That's GANGSTA'.

Shamequa: Stupid. Fury here is more of a G than you Skippy.

Kanye: Who are you calling stupid? Skippy?You ain't nothing
but a gold digger...you aint messing with no broke...

Fury: BIGGER! Bigger size bag of CHEETOS...that's what I
need. This trip to the hood is making me hungry.

Kanye: Hop in my limo. I'm heading out to get some dinner.

Smokey: You know he ain't going to no Roscoe's Chicken and
Waffles.

Kanye: Roscoe's? Please fool. I'm on my way to Chilli's.

Fury: Cool. I love Chilli's...(sings) babyback ribs.

Smokey and Devo: BARBECUE SAUCE!

[Rex decides that when you leave a vehicle unattended in the
hood it is safe and leaves the bike there. So Kanye West, Rex
Fury, Shamequa the Hooker, Smokey and Devo all get in the
limo and make their way to Chilli's.]


Shamequa: Yo can I super size my meal?

[They all look at Shamequa and begin to laugh then get
together and have a group hug]


ALL: Now we'll be friends...FOREVER!

[Rex learned what a great place to visit the hood is and will
go back to visit his new friends often. The moral of the
story is that we all CAN GET ALONG......and Joey Stryker Peyton will get
his ass beat down on ROLL THE DICE!].]


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"Normal doesn't get asses in the seats!"
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