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Lesson #2: Success.; The Worst Promo I have Ever Written...
Topic Started: Dec 1 2007, 05:35 AM (129 Views)
captaind
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sVo Legend
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Announcer
"Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, and even you perverts that get off watching children’s shows—Jehovah’s Witness Productions proudly presents to you, live from Las Vegas, Nevada, introducing first, he is the good Captain’s first mate—in the totally heterosexual way—Midget Mikey!"


[As the screen fades to a live studio audience, which of course begins to applaud loudly, everyone’s favorite Lime Green Midget, Midget Mikey walks out from behind the curtain, a curtain of purple paisley, and stands on a dot. He is holding a microphone, smiling, and waving wildly. His hair, a burnt orange, is screaming “Look at me” while his facial expression screams “Please, someone kill me”. He motions for the crowd to quiet down, and they do, after a moment, and Mikey brings the microphone to his mouth.]


Mikey
“I’d like to issue a ginormous Midget Mikey welcome to all of you great people out there. I’d also like to take a moment to say something. You see, I’ve been getting disturbing letters from a stalker, and well, I’d like to tell a certain someone, a Jon Smithertonsonsmith of Iowa to go to the door, because the police are there and they’ve got questions as to why you’re taking naked pictures of yourself and sending them to me. Go on, look. I’ll wait."


[Mikey lowers the microphone, and whistles a bit. He looks around, down at his watch, and replaces the mic under his mouth.]


Mikey
“With that taken care of, and remember children, taking naked pictures of yourself and mailing them to people who were not wanting them is not only frowned upon, but often illegal. Yeah, so let’s remember not do that, kay? Okay, then without further ado, coming directly from his latest venture, the Sanctioned Violence Organization, the man you all came to see, and the man who sometimes forgets to sign my paycheck, the one, the only… the amazingly awkward—Captain D.!”


[The crowd stands and cheers and whistles and all that cheesy stuff for their favorite s.V.o. wrestler, as the man himself pops up from the screen, and waves manically to the crowd. They respond with more cheers and whistles and “yee-haws” and the Captain smiles a bigger smile, one that is perhaps, inhuman. His hands move frantically, and the midget assistant offers a glare of contempt.]


Captain D.
“Well now, welcome everyone to Captain D.’s Wonderful World of Magical Midgets! I realize that about two weeks ago, I had mentioned that well, it was the Wonderful World of Magical Muppets—but the government decided that a person talking to sock puppets was a little too crazy and may damage the youth of America. So they allowed me to bring back my Midget friends if I agreed to feed them three square meals a day, and four on holidays. I was also told that this would improve the relations between the Dwarves of America and the taller people—or you—as you were referred to as in the lawsuit—I mean, MEMO. Ha-ha.


Moving on to today’s lesson. Success.


As you recall, our last lesson was on sharing. People who share, are more likely to care—or be cared about. President Bush shared the Iraq War with other Nations, and look at how well he has been welcomed by the World. Ha-ha!”


[A smile appears awkwardly large, when suddenly a small hand yanks on his coattail. Looking down, Midget Mikey motions for him. Captain D. bends at the waist and listens for a moment as Mikey whispers something in the Good Captain’s ear. Captain D. nods, and his eyes grow wide. He looks at Mikey, and mouths “Really?” and the Midget leader nods in approval as Captain D. shrugs.]


Captain D.
“Apparently children, a President Bush analogy was not appropriate for the last example. How about the kid who brings in cupcakes every year for his birthday? Yeah, let’s go with that one. Well, everybody likes him, he feels great, and heck, everyone gets cupcakes. What’s so bad about sharing again? If everyone gets cupcakes, then sharing truly cares about everyone. Now, this week’s lesson is about success.


What is success? What is it to be successful? Well, in my wrestling industry… people often define success as a championship or a win. But, I define success as being proud of what you have accomplished. Let’s go for a story shall we? How about… “The Little Engine That Could.” Yeah… that’s a good one! Ha-ha!”


[The crowd lets out a cheer for the no-doubt classic children’s book. The good Captain walks to his reading chair, where a few children are already seated. Midget Mikey walks to the bookshelf, picks up a couple books, and returns to Captain D. He hands them to his master—erm, boss, and takes a seat on the ottoman to the left.]


Captain D.
“Well, let’s see. There was a young Indian boy named Running Scared, who believed that he wasn’t worth Jack Squat—who was his older brother. Now, Jack Squat was the kind of person who did everything well. He had too. He was said to be “unsinkable.” Now, we all heard the old fiction story, “Titanic” right? What happens when something is described as “unsinkable”?”


[A small boy in a red and white striped shirt, perhaps a bit chubby, raises his chocolate covered hand, and shakes violently.]


Captain D.
“Augustus?”


Augustus
“Oh well Captain, it uh sinks.”


Captain D.
“That is correct, what else happens?”


[This time, a girl, perhaps overly bluish raises her hand and it seems to be expanding.]


Captain D.
“Oh, Violet what else happens?”


Violet
“They make a crappy Hollywood movie starring that joke of an actor Leonardo DiCaprio?”


[The girl has expanded now to well, a giant blue blueberry. Weird, huh? A random midget who looks ironically like an Oompa Loompa rolls her off, perhaps to a juicing room? (Just a guess.)]


Captain D.
“Well, that’s also correct. In fact, that’s more on the dot then perhaps it should have been. But back to the story. One day, Jack Squat bent down to a take a sitting bull and when he stood up, he noticed a herd of wild buffalo running toward his home camp. Jack Squat accidently stepped in his sitting bull, and had to wipe off his foot, and decided to postpone his warning of the village.


Which, as a germophobe, I found quite smart. Because I despise sitting bull on my penny loafers. But, I digress. Instead of warning the village and saving his own wife and child’s life, Jack Squat was too busy scrubbing the feces from his feet, and so Running Scared had to warn the village. But Running Scared didn’t know what to do, and was trampled upon. Yeah, it was sad. Although, the funeral was lovely and the flowers were beautiful. But, back to the story.


After Jack Squat had successfully removed the poo from his foot, he noticed that the trampling of Running Scared had saved his village from the attack. He exclaimed with joy that they were safe. But suddenly, a swarm of wild, Africanized bees came from nowhere and stung everybody to death. Jack Squat, too busy gloating felt quilty. Wait, that’ s a “g”. Guilty. That makes sense. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Oh, anyway. Jack Squat felt guilty and eventually turned into a bum who lived in a van down by the river. His van, was decorated quite nicely, in a leopard theme, and he stayed there until he died, surviving on cat food and dog urine. It wasn’t pretty. And a man who had it all, lost it all, because of not only gloating and germophobia, but also because his idea of success was not the right idea of success that society wanted.”


[Captain D. removes his top hat, scratches his head, and replaces the stove-pipe shaped head covering. He shrugs and looks down at the children.]


Captain D.
“That story was awfully confusing. But what I am getting at is success is not merely a victory or a championship belt. Although helpful, they merely define you as something that you want to be defined as. It’s like Miss U.S.A. or the Godfather. Just because you pimp out hos and your business is organized crime, does not mean that you are successful. What makes you successful is if you feel you have done everything you wanted, and everything you have done—was to your full potential. That is success children, and that is what is going to motivate me to win my match this week.”


[The Captain steps away from his chair, Midget Mikey making balloon animals in the background, and walks to the camera. He removes his hat, places it over his heart, and looks directly to the audience.]


Captain D.
“I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United State of Las Vegas. I swear to uphold truth, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, starring Will Smith, and here by align myself to a persistent goal of winning, or therefore accomplishing something that will make myself look much better… from sea to shining sea… o’er the land of the free… and the home of the s.V.o.”


[Captain D. smiles, and places the top hat back atop his head.]


Captain D.
“That’s today’s lesson children. I hope you understand and put it to use. Because as your Captain, that is an order. And it’s a moral order, a moral obligation, and something that you must accomplish to make yourself a real player in the world of business and money. Because, above everything, money makes you powerful, and Jesus loves money. Jesus loves Jehovah’s Witness Productions, which loves Captain D. Captain D. makes money which Jesus loves, therefore if you make money, Jesus will love you. Thank you and good day.”


[Captain D. smiles more awkwardly than ever, waves to the crowd more frantically than before—and makes his way behind the curtain. The screen fades to black, but quickly a voiceover begins to boom across the speakers.]


Voiceover:
“The previous views, however jumbled and not coherent enough for a person with a fourth grade education, we apologize. What the Jehovah’s Witness Productions Company would like to say on behalf of Captain D. is this: Jason Cash will not stand a chance against a man who can barely put a sentence together. His jumbled thoughts and ramblings on anything and everything only mask a certain flaw that is prevalent in a man who is of course, clinically insane. Jason Cash, your streak of defeat, will of course continue, and that will be at the hands of the one and only Captain D. The preceding statement was brought to you by Jehovah’s Witness Productions, a subsidiary of Jesus Juice Enterprises—when you need faith in entertainment—we’ll come a-knocking!”


[Static appears and only the sound of buzzing is heard, thus ending a Captain D. promo—tootles!]
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