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| Manchita's FF: Chapter 11; YOU HAVE TO SEE IT! | |
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| Topic Started: May 21 2012, 10:55 PM (1,866 Views) | |
| Manchita | May 21 2012, 10:55 PM Post #1 |
RFB was here. She says Manchester is awesome.
:3
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I can't believe I'm doing this.... I AM RESTARTING MY FANFICS!!!! :DDDDDDD ZOMG. I dunno what to say beyond that. Enjoy? <:D Chapter 1- Flip the Switch I was in a grassy field. The starlight sparkled from above me and the palm trees swayed in the soft breeze, which brought the smell of ocean water to me. It was one of the best dreams I'd had in ages. Like the one the night before had been riddled with flashes of red, fire.... My friends...something bad happening to my friends.... But this was different....It felt good. I smiled and dug my toes into the sand. Who knew when I would have a dream this nice again? Then a soft glow came from somewhere. Multicolored....I turned. Behind me was a lake, and small pedestals were rising from within it. Ooga....Take your pick...but choose carefully, chuckled a voice. I shrugged. It was a dream anyway. If I died I'd wake up. Heck, even if this was real life, dying wouldn't do any harm. I walked carelessly up to the pedestals, examining them. On them were strange symbols, which were what was letting off the soft light that I had turned to see. I looked at each of the symbols. What did they mean? How was I supposed to pick? I shook my head. This was ridiculous. I was wasting time and brainpower on this. I didn't need to focus so hard on something that wouldn't affect me at all. I saw a symbol. Gears? What did that mean? I reached out with my hand slowly. Then I touched the symbol. Learn to be the other, said the voice, before it's too late.... What? What did that mean? Suddenly the glow on the pedestal brightened until it was too much for my eyes. I stumbled backward, confused. What was happening? Why did I feel so funny? And then I woke up. I sat bolt upright in a cold sweat. Was it hot in here or was it just me? I shook my head again. I was fine. It was probably just the body heat of everybody in the tribe in one hut. I stood up, climbed down the bunk, and walked outside, hoping to get some cooler air. I suddenly stopped. Why had I been on the top bunk? I didn't remember being there when I'd fallen asleep. I shrugged it off. The ocean's waves rolled, the sun began to rise, and I sat down, leaning against a rock. I pondered on my dream. It couldn't possibly have meant anything. Could it? I slapped my head. No, I needed to stop thinking that way. I was only going to scare myself to death. Waita minnit.... I brought my hand back up to the top of my head. My hair bone. Why didn't I have a hair bone!? My hair wasn't down. What was up this morning? I felt so funny. Itchy all over. As if I was in brand new skin.... I shook myself once more. I needed to bathe in the ocean a bit. That was all. Once I was cooled off I would really be cooled off. I strolled up to the water and stretched my arms. I looked at the liquid, wondering whether it was freezing cold. Then I paused. I bent down and looked at my reflection. That wasn't me. It was Klik. "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FACE!?" I shouted, poking myself. "Oh, no....My face....I look like a nerd...." Of course, at the moment I wasn't thinking about how I'd switched bodies. I turned myself to make sure it wasn't just the way the light was hitting me or something crazy like that. My hand shot to the back of my head. A ponytail. "What the crab!?" I hissed. Suddenly I heard a yell and turned around. Sun was stumbling toward me. "Oh my gods!" she said, and grabbed my shoulders. "Klik, you have to help me! It's Kinsee!" I almost fell over in shock. "You got switched too!?" "You're not Klik?" "It's Ooga," I answered hastily. What the shell was going on here!? I jumped up. "We have to wake up the others and see if they were switched. You get your tribe, I'll get mine." She nodded firmly and ran. I ran to our hut. "GUYS!" I shouted. "WAKE UP!" Everyone groaned. Including...me? Who was in my body? When they saw it was me, they all sat up straight. Probably because I looked like Klik- if he woke you up there was at least a fifty-fifty chance that whatever he had to say was important. Then I saw me. And I shouted and fell over. "Ooga, what the heck?" asked Nooby. Only it didn't sound like Nooby. "Look, it's me. Ooga," I said. "Klik and I switched bodies." Everyone else smiled, except me. I pointed at me. Or, well, uh...nevermind. "Who are you!? Who am I!?" spat the me on the ground. Oh, great. Fantastic. "I'm Ooga. And you're...Klik, aren't you?" The me on the ground nodded. The rest of the tribe looked back and forth between us. Then they looked down at their own bodies. Their eyes widened. Yells of shock were followed by muttered cursing. Nooby stood up. "Look at me!" he yelled. "I look...stupid." Well, that was no surprise. "Booga?" I asked. "No, Nooby suddenly uses pronouns. Of course it's me, you idiot!" Then I had to guess. "Nooby's head feel funny," said Booga, standing up and then falling over. "What happened to Nooby?" Then he saw his body. "Why are there two Noobys? Is it box Nooby?" "No, it's Booga." Nooby, in Booga's body, looked utterly lost. "What Nooby talking about? Nooby is Nooby." "We switched bodies. If that isn't too complicated for you to understand." "Guys?" said a voice. We all looked out the door. The girls' tribe. "Who's who?" I asked nonchalantly. I was getting used to this quickly. Teela's voice spoke, although I couldn't see who it was coming from. "Kinsee and Sun switched, Linsee and Moon switched, and..." She sounded disgusted now. "...I switched with...Toola." Klak snickered. I turned around and stared at Dooby, because I figured they'd switched. He stopped. Klik (not me, the real Klik) stood up off the ground. "How...how did this happen?" "I don't know," I replied. "But I bet I can call someone for answers." "And I bet-" Klik started, then stopped. I looked at him for him to continue, but he shrugged. I turned around. "Yourfault," Klik "coughed". I turned to him in anger. "How can you automatically blame ME for this!? I have no idea how this happened and you all know who I'm going to call." "But she said-" "-not to call her UNLESS there was an emergency." I looked down at myself. "I think this qualifies as an emergency." I started to walk outside. "You have no idea how weird it is to hear a nerd voice coming out of your mouth." Klik snorted angrily, but didn't say more. I looked up at the sky, hoping she wouldn't kill me. Probably not, but you know gods....Very unpredictable. "SIGNA!!!" I yelled at the sky. She popped up right in front of me and I almost screamed like a girl. She looked a bit irked. "What is it, Klik?" I grabbed her shoulders the way Kinsee had grabbed mine. She raised an eyebrow, a bit freaked out. "It's Ooga. We've all switched bodies." She looked at all of us. Then she laughed. "Oh MAN, I can't WAIT to hear this." I rolled my eyes. "I'm Ooga." Then I began to point to my tribemates in pairs. "Dooby and Klak switched and Nooby and Booga switched." I gestured to the girls' tribe. "Ladies?" Kinsee, in Sun's body, let out a small cry of protest, but Teela stopped her. "I'm Teela." Signa laughed and she looked even more angry about the ordeal. "Linsee and Moon switched and Sun and Kinsee switched." "OK then." Signa clapped her hands together. "What do you want me to do about it?" Everyone's eyes widened and then we all yelled in unison. "CHANGE US BACK!" "I don't wanna look like this!" cried me and Klik. "Neither do I!" shouted Teela and Toola. Signa raised an eyebrow. "Sorry guys, but I can't change you back. I don't even know how this happened in the first place." We all shrugged. "Ask Ooga," muttered Klik. "Shut up," I said back. "It's not my fault." I turned to Signa. "But I did have a weird dream last night." She shrugged. "Dreams are good. Go ahead." I explained the whole thing. Everyone looked at each other, probably hoping someone would have an "AHA" moment. But no one did. When I finished, Signa was frowning in concentration. She squinted and began to mutter to herself. "There's just one thing I don't understand. If they're the enemy (which I'm sure most of you assumed because it doesn't look like anyone's done you a favor) why would they warn us of something?" "What are you talking about?" I asked. "'Learn to be the other before it's too late'?" she said. "Was that a warning?" I frowned. Maybe she was right. Was this a warning? I suddenly remembered my other dreams. My friends....Something bad would happen to my friends.... *** YAAAAAAAAY RUSHED AND THUS PROBABLY TERRIBLY WRITTEN FIRST CHAPTER!!!! *clapclapclap* Seriously though, I am out of my "I STINK AT EVERYTHING" phase so this is unbiased. I'm pretty sure this one's not the best, but I couldn't wait to get started. Curse me and my impatience. >_< So yeah. Feel free to say whatever you think about this. CIAO!!! :DDDDDDD ~Manchita <3 |
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| RainbowFirebird | May 21 2012, 11:31 PM Post #2 |
Still technically writing fanfiction
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I liked this as soon as Ooga was Klik. I loved this as soon as Teela was Toola. The switches, they are perfect. :D |
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| Rivermask | May 21 2012, 11:38 PM Post #3 |
My idiocy equates to this human concept of 'brilliance'.
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RIVERMASK APPROVES. I've always meant to write a fic like this, but I figured I would either mangle it or just get bored of it. So seeing someone else writing it is like... AWESOME. <3 I would say that your style is definitely a lot more suited to it, for one thing, and that you could definitely push through the barriers that would stump me. [Not to mention that would definitely push Ooga over the edge...] So keep it up! Can't wait to see how it all turns out! Now, enter my inner critic. I don't have a lot of flaws to point out; your phrasing is near perfect, which is definitely major points for you. No one wants to read something badly written, but you've blown that out of the water. It's very well-written, and it's not too short; I would expect nothing less out of a first chapter. It doesn't drabble on, but it has some description in there as well, keeping it from being flat or dry. My only suggestion is that you keep an eye on the characters-there isn't a lot of it, but I'm suspecting that later on the characters might get a little OOC as you force them into situations that they aren't used to. Learn their personalities, take in every last detail about them, and don't give huge roles to characters that just don't fit-I stumble over Nooby a lot myself. I swear, that pygmy is the bane of all writing-or your story will grind to a halt. This gets more difficult in a switch-body fic, depending on the depth of the switch-do they get some minor instincts and skills of the others, or are they utterly and completely themselves? While the second is certainly a lot easier when it comes to persona, the first gives a feeling of authenticy and allows for a lot more plot twists. Just make sure that you can live as that character before you do anything serious, or you'll push readers away. With that rant of mine aside, I must congratulate you. A switch-body fic can be very difficult to pull off, but you have managed to set the mood, jump-start the plot, and still keep enough suspense to stop any reader from leaving now. There's no turning back, so to speak. I myself as both writer and reader can come up with multiple endings, and can guess bits and pieces of the plot, but there's still too many possibilities for me to just say 'been there, done that' and drop it. And as I can be very picky about what goes into the category of 'good' and 'actually worth reading twice', intriguing me this early on is incredible to say the least. This has caught my eye, that's for sure! I WOULD give plot opinions, but I don't want to give away any possible ideas. c; So if ever in need for inspiration or beta-reading, consider this River at your service! It's not often that something like this comes up, and I am intent on giving it the best boost I can. I want to see this soaring to the end, not inching past the finish line, and that means that I'll pull my part for it. I personally have some ideas, but I'd like to see what you have before giving it any River-esque twists. Anyways. To summarize, great work; keep it up! Don't rush it, of course, but I'm looking forward to reading more! To think that you were refusing compliments... definitely glad you're out of that phase, because to be frank you have the gift. A little raw, granted, but with time you'll be surfing the Neon crowd with the best of them. All it takes is a little support, a little criticism, and a lot of exercising your talent. In conclusion, you have done the impossible: impressed River with your first work. Or the first she's seen, that is. That in itself is commendable... let's see how far you can take it from there, yes? Peace; --Raven |
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| Yirina | May 21 2012, 11:46 PM Post #4 |
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/le drowns in a river-induced tidal wave of words Loljk xP anywaaasyyy Nice fic manchita im rlly happy ur writing again 8D And lol, ooga as klik is the BEST THING EVAR XD |
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| Deleted User | May 21 2012, 11:51 PM Post #5 |
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Deleted User
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OMG lol I love it!! Better than I will probably ever do. :) |
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| Rivermask | May 21 2012, 11:58 PM Post #6 |
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My idiocy equates to this human concept of 'brilliance'.
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Oh. BTW. If in need of a beta/inspiration/critique/anything else, message me. I'd be more than happy to provide any and all of your feedback needs! ^^ And THAT concludes my critique. 4.5/5 stars; incredible! Consider your feedback meter complete. |
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| Manchita | May 22 2012, 01:17 AM Post #7 |
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RFB was here. She says Manchester is awesome.
:3
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Well, River, thanks, but actually, this isn't the first fic I've done. Not even on here. I had another topic. I don't remember if I deleted it or not....Anyway, I've also been writing a Portal fanfic. I think the fact that it was "a little raw" as you call it, is because I didn't write it out on paper first; it was very rushed. Also, I haven't written a PG fic in a while, so it's very MEH right now. But thanks for the feedback, especially the thoroughness of it!!! Thanks to everyone else too! |
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| CENToS | May 22 2012, 01:25 AM Post #8 |
*insert turtle noises here*
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Manchita have I ever told you I love you? Well I do <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 YESYESYESYESYESTESYESYESYEYSYESYESYESYEYSEYSYSESYS!!!!!!!!!! |
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| Manchita | May 22 2012, 01:27 AM Post #9 |
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RFB was here. She says Manchester is awesome.
:3
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XD LAWL That was awesome. I love you too, Centos. :3 |
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| Rivermask | May 22 2012, 01:38 AM Post #10 |
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My idiocy equates to this human concept of 'brilliance'.
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Yes, I know. ^^ It's just the first one I've read. Which is impressive, because I have to say that I'm already hooked. Anyways... you want a beta? I'm happy to provide if you do. <3 |
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| StrangeOne101 | May 22 2012, 01:40 AM Post #11 |
Welcome
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Wow! That's awesome! Really interesting and I can't wait to read the next chapter! Good work! :DDDDD |
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| Rivermask | May 22 2012, 02:04 AM Post #12 |
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My idiocy equates to this human concept of 'brilliance'.
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Amen to that. ^^ |
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| Manchita | May 22 2012, 02:20 AM Post #13 |
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RFB was here. She says Manchester is awesome.
:3
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Ooh, a beta would be cool! Just one question.... What's a beta? XD Kidding. I know what a beta is. |
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| Rivermask | May 22 2012, 02:22 AM Post #14 |
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My idiocy equates to this human concept of 'brilliance'.
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I was all like O_O HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW?!?! But then it's all good. XD Message me if you'd like! ^^ I need to get off in around ten minutes before the rage factor comes on. |
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| Manchita | May 22 2012, 02:25 AM Post #15 |
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RFB was here. She says Manchester is awesome.
:3
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I shouldn't be on right now. >:D I'll message you as soon as I can, and I'll begin writing chapter 2 tomorrow as well. :D |
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| Rivermask | May 22 2012, 02:33 AM Post #16 |
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My idiocy equates to this human concept of 'brilliance'.
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Good. ^^ I'm getting off right away too. |
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| Manchita | May 22 2012, 10:53 PM Post #17 |
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RFB was here. She says Manchester is awesome.
:3
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^^ Now, CHAPTAH TOO! Chapter 2- A Little Prophecy Oughta Do It Remembering my dreams, I panicked. "We need to do something before...before things get ugly." Signa turned and looked across the ocean. "Maybe Apocalypse Island will have some answers." "Why do you say that?" "It's called Apocalypse Island, but it deals with all kinds of major events. We have prophecies inside the temple for safekeeping. Maybe one of them talks about this." Everyone looked at each other. "Well then, why wait?" asked Klak, in Dooby's body. "Let's go!" Signa nodded. "It's protected, though. It'll be dangerous." "Pff," said Sun, in Kinsee's body. "I eat danger for breakfast!" "Yeah, I know. But we're still going to need help getting to it, as amazing as you are. From the other gods." She closed her eyes and muttered under her breath. She began to glow. Four gods appeared in front of us, as Pygmies. "What's up?" asked Ikk calmly. "We switched bodies," said the real Klik. "I don't want to go through explanations again." "I'll explain," said Signa. "We need to get to the prophecies in the Apocalypse Temple." Saints raised an eyebrow. "You know we tightened security, right?" Signa was taken aback. "What?" Saints nodded. "We need to map out the plan." "WHOA, no," I said, shaking my head. "I've seen this a million times. The good guys make a perfect plan, and all this stuff happens that forces them to improvise. Why not just improvise to begin with?" "Ooga, this isn't a story," said Ikk. "This is real life." "He's just being lazy," said Klik. "I am not!" I said indignantly. "Look, even if we THOUGHT we knew what was in there, who knows the gods didn't add some extra surprises for us?" Everyone looked at each other again. "Exactly," I said. "We don't." "He has a point," said Weebler. "Why make a plan if there's such a high chance that it won't work?" RFB had been quiet all this time, but now she spoke. "Yeah. We can just make it up as we go along. Like spies!" She did a pose, like a fighting stance. What a typically unusual thing for her to say. "I think that's a ninja pose," pointed Saints. "So? Spies know ninja moves!" He shrugged. "True dat." "So, are we going now or not?" asked Signa. "I don't know," said Toola, taking off Teela's glasses. Then, realizing she needed them, sighed and put them back on. "It seems awfully scary." "Well, we gotta go," said Booga, "or I'll be stuck like this." He gestured to himself. I smirked. "Aw, come on. I think it suits you." Klik crossed his arms. "Don't tease anyone in MY body, Ooga. It's insulting to me." "And don't be so square in MY body, Klik. It's just plain wrong." Klik didn't reply. Ooga: 1 Klik: 0. I smiled. "Well then," said Signa, interrupting the silence, "let's get ready." *** By the time everyone had everything together, the sun was setting. "All right," said Klik, "I'll call roll." He loked at us and we nodded. "Ooga," he said with distaste. "HERE." "Booga." "Here...." "Klak." "Here!" "Dooby." "Here, dudes." "Nooby." "Nooby is here!" I saw him smile a bit. With amusement. I didn't know if I'd ever seen him smile that way before. "Linsee." "Here, of course!" "Sun." "Here!" "Kinsee." "Here...." "Moon." "Here, alright?" "Toola." "Here." "Teela." "Present." He looked up from his paper, then raised an eyebrow. "Teela? Toola? What happened to you two?" Everyone's heads turned as they looked at each other. Then they both took a step back in horror. Toola had given Teela a makeover. She was wearing makeup, a really short skirt, and smaller glasses. Her hair was down and she had Toola's coconut, uh...let's just say top...on. I whistled a cat call and Teela glared at me. She, in turn, had completely transformed Toola. And definitely not for the sexier. Her hair was in pigtails and her makeup had vanished. She had Teela's grass top on and a very long skirt. She didn't need glasses anymore, though. "What did you do to my glasses!?" "I just made them smaller. I don't want to look like Miss Bug-Eyes! But I don't think I'm the one the fashion police would go after if they walked in. What are you wearing!?" "Clothing that's appropriate for the journey!" retorted Teela. Signa rolled her eyes, trying not to laugh. "Let's go. We don't know how long this conversation is going to last." Everyone began to file onto the large raft that Klik and Teela had bult. This was a slightly new design. They had decided that they should put a weight JUST light enough not to sink us on the underside of the raft. That way we'd stay afloat, but the theory was that it would balance to keep us from capsizing. I knew that if it failed it could mean something horrible, but I tried to avoid thinking about it. Toola and Teela were still bickering, but I figured I could just tune it out. It made me wonder, though....Why did girls argue so much? I shook myself. Just because I LOOKED like Klik didn't mean I had to THINK like him. Although I sorta understood now why he tried to find answers to so many questions. There were lots of questions everywhere.... AAGH. I slapped myself into reality. I knew what would take my mind away from any Klik-like thoughts. A prank. I grinned and rubbed my hands together. This raft was a new frontier of tricks just waiting to be discovered. I scanned the raft. It didn't matter if I pranked a couple of Pygmies. Even if they died, Klik and Teela had placed the Gem and Jewel of Life in a special protective pedestal, located right in the middle of the raft. So they would just pop right back next to the Gems. It was all good. Then I saw fishing spears. Eureka! A way to die. Now I just had to figure out how to trick someone into impaling themselves.... "Ooga!" I turned around. Klik was standing next to Teela. "It's almost nighttime, so we assigned shifts. You're first, for three hours." He smiled, a little bit triumphantly, and walked away. I clenched my fists. He did that on purpose! Three hours! How dare he!? Ooga: 1 Klik: 1 Crab. After the sun set, I sat at my post. I stared at the stars and tried to make up constellations from the shapes. I didn't understand how Klik had ever found shapes in the meaningless scatter of twinkling lights. Slowly, as I thought about it, my eyelids grew heavier...and heavier...and heavier.... SPLASH. My eyelids flew open. I stood up and frowned. What had that been? I crept toward the side of the boat. What was that noise? I scanned the water. Nothing. Nothing to be seen for miles. I turned back around. Maybe I was just paranoid. Then the boat rocked violently to the left. Something was in the water. Edited by Manchita, May 23 2012, 12:11 AM.
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| Deleted User | May 22 2012, 11:11 PM Post #18 |
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Deleted User
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YEY. :D i luv it! but man, i swear you have read my mind... |
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| Rivermask | May 22 2012, 11:57 PM Post #19 |
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My idiocy equates to this human concept of 'brilliance'.
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Two words: OH SNAP. ...anyways. Now that I've gotten over my brief Klik spasm, to the critique... My fears of the characters being out of characters seem completely unfounded; the closest that could possibly be called 'OOC' would be the lack of the ever-irritating 'totally' and 'like' in Toola's speech. Which, to be honest, I may have to thank you for. Your portrayal of the switch seems to be nigh perfect; nothing huge at first, of course, though Ooga is probably right to be annoyed. My first thought was 'This is going to be hilarious...' Then I thought what Klik must be thinking at the moment, and I decided maybe not. It's going to be hysterical. And that was when I asked myself what Teela's going to turn out thinking... Anyways. Your grammar is near perfect, as always; your ending was superb. The cliffhanger was marvelously done, as was Ooga's time alone with 'his' thoughts, though I have an idea of what it is in the water... believe me, I would PAY to see it happen. XD Raven's adoration is not all kittens and rainbows, that's for sure. To be truthful, all I have to say in the way of criticism is to be careful with your descriptions as Ooga becomes more and more observant. You probably already knew that, however, so I shall instead urge you to message me and keep me posted. ^^ I would love to be the beta, perhaps smooth out a few rough transitions to come, and two pairs of eyes spot more mistakes than a sole author. Unless you'd like me to PM you; I could do that too. In conclusion; this fanfic is off to a soaring start, and I'm looking forward to pursuing it! Again, I have little choice but to insist that you think about having me as a beta. Not only will I have the delight of working with a skilled author such as yourself [and helping said author torture Klik in the most unusual ways our collective brilliance can think of] but I also get the added bonus of the 'beta-view'. Think about it, that's all I'm saying. Peace; --Raven |
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| Manchita | May 23 2012, 12:05 AM Post #20 |
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RFB was here. She says Manchester is awesome.
:3
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WOWZA. Thanks, River. Or Raven. You sign it Raven but most people call you River. I'm confused. '-_- Anyways, I will DEFINITELY think about it. Again, thanks for your review-ish thingy, and I feel so good to hear all these positives coming from a critical (in a good way) author. :) |
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11:49 AM May 23