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| "Alex' War Hell Ride 2005"; SLAP A CAMELS ASS! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 19 2005, 12:58 PM (517 Views) | |
| Solanus Dracon | Oct 19 2005, 12:58 PM Post #1 |
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Advanced Member
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Today, Wednesday October 19th, 2005....I cried again for the first time in years and years. Real crying. Miserable crying. I'll explain why. For the past four or five years, (I've lost count) I have been with someone in an online relationship. Many of you knew this already. A lot of people were aware of my relationship with a guy who was also named Alex who lives in England. Many many things can be said about our relationship and how we were together. How we weren't together I think would be obvious. I based most of my life around this relationship. All decisions were made with this relationship in mind. I scheduled my work to be during hours when he'd be asleep, maximising my time spent with him. I passed up chances to socially interact with real life friends so as to limit time away from him. I EVEN QUIT SMOKING FOR HIM. I won't say I turned bisexual for him. He maybe just kind of gave me a reason to practice it more. I set my alarm last night so as to wake up early and in plenty of time for me to spend with him before work. I didn't expect to wake up to this email
We've been rocky for a long time now, I won't shit you all. Things a relationship needs to remain healthy were not in place. I even said it to him in no uncertain terms, in exact wording..."tell me if you are not happy with this relationship, tell me if you don't believe it can work so we can both get on with our lives." He always assured me that was not the case, that he'll try harder, that he'll do better. That he's just having a bad day and it will pass. The only thing which kept me going with any impetus was his emphatic promise that he did not want to break up, that he does love me, and that he doesn't believe it has to end. Typing this, I know I'm sounding exactly like any person ought to in this kind of situation. I'm not saying anything that surprises anybody. But I need to deal with this. I need to get it out of my system. I know you all know this. Even the people who are mad at me right now, I know will not be derisive while reading this. It was my all. And I don't mean this in a sentimental sort of way. I lived for him for five years. I gave up college because it cut into my time with him. I passed up more profitable jobs because I feared they would cut into our time. He was the one I shared my successes and my failures with. My griefs and my triumphs with. I was in this relationship like it was the truth because for me it was the truth. I honestly wanted to meet him in real life and be with him. Now I'm saved the expense of a plane ticket. The practical side of me, the side which knows this is my opportunity to seek out those things such as a better paying job, college, a social life and a real girlfriend, has already accepted this. The emotional side of me, the side of me which needs someone to hug, someone to hold, someone to share my thoughts with and confide in is screaming and moaning and in torment. I am crying while typing, hugging a pillow to my face like the most stereotypical schoolgirl whose boyfriend broke up with her. Something which I have often rather scorned. The difference here is that I am beyond my most hormonal years. I have come to terms with my chemicals. I should not be motivated by the needs of my dick any more. Honestly these past few months the needs of my dick have been sorely neglected. Another point of soreness between us. I won't get into that. Right now I can't talk to anybody in real life about it. Only one person I know in person knows about it. My best friend Ryan. I can't talk to my brother about it, nor my father. None of my co workers. This is something which never entered discussion in my real life. With the exception of Ryan, nobody knows I'm even bisexual. This is something I can't take into real life, that has to die in the virtual world where it was spawned. I have to seek out reality now. I have to consider all the things I now have no excuse to keep from doing, which would better me. I now have all the fucking free time in the world and I don't know what to do with it. This is the most emotionally broken up I've ever been. I'm usually cold as ice and detached and aloof. At least that's how I think I come off. Now I'm completely heebeejeebee and don't know how to cope. I know I'll be coming around in record time and I'll be back on track. I think calling in sick might be excusable today but then that means I am stuck in this apartment with my brother and father wanting to know why I'm extra mean today. I might go rent a hotel room for the night. I don't know. I'm so lost. Any clear goals I have set for myself are dashed to pieces now. I don't know what to do and I honestly wish I had someone in real life right now who could hold me and talk to me and such. I don't have that. All I have is this old lumpy pillow with a case I haven't washed in weeks. If anybody happens to be online reading this right now and can get on aim, please give me a word or two to encourage me. I need your support. I need help to deal with this. my aim name is solanusdracon but you all know that by now. Thanks for listening PS: I wish he had told me he has a girlfriend before this. I would have understood. |
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| Chucker | Oct 19 2005, 01:14 PM Post #2 |
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Flipping Out
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Sucks, I'm at work, otherwise I'd hop on the AIM, but do what he said. I know you told me about him a while back, I'm not sure who eslse knew. That being said, do what he says, it's tough but break it cold turkey, jerky. Come back to the realm of the daywalkers etc etc. That's about all I got. |
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| NateBlizz | Oct 19 2005, 02:05 PM Post #3 |
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Administrator
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Putting aside my petty disagreements with you, you really are a pretty decent guy from what Ive noticed. Nobody deserves to feel the kind of pain your going through and I am truly sorry that this happend. (Why is it that the asses I know rarely have a bad day? shits unfair I tell ya) |
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| Megumi Li | Oct 20 2005, 12:51 AM Post #4 |
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Alex, While I have not spoken to you in quite a while, I can feel the anguish in your words... Even though I cannot honestly say that I know how you feel, I can see that is has cut you in deeply. I know you as a very strong person Alex, I will not say that you can overcome this and all that cliche stuff, but I am asking that you look deep inside you for the answer what ever it maybe. I feel that this is something that will take you a large amout of time to cope with, but I am confident that you will find a way. If you want to talk to me, I will try to be on AIM, so if you see me just send me a message. Megu |
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| Solanus Dracon | Oct 20 2005, 02:00 AM Post #5 |
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What stings the worst about this is not the removal of a BOYFRIEND. For a good long time now, the services and interactions which truly make a romantic relationship were gone. No real impassioned exchanges, no "cuddling", not even sex. All things he seemed disgusted to do. I knew the relationship was doomed for a long time now. What stabs me like a knife is the removal of a friend. A confidant. Someone who was always there and who I could speak with and share my thoughts and feelings. Even if he was no longer providing me with the things needed to feel loved and in love, he provided me with companionship. This is the thing which I need now. It is not something I can willingly ask any one of you but I am in bad need of a friend now. Just to talk and chitchat and trust completely to tell everything I'm feeling. Losing a friend is like losing an arm or a leg to me. The pain never fully heals. I need all the friends I've ever made to help me cope with the days and weeks to come. I will be changing a great many things about myself. My time frame for working, my exercise and sleep and hygiene schedules. Everything. These are changes which are hard for a normal person to make. For a basketcase like myself, they're nerve rending. I'm already saying silly things to the various people who are iming me. I'm nowhere near recovered from this all though I have stopped crying. Keep the encouragement coming please. It's helping me retain my sanity. |
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| cooldudette | Oct 22 2005, 05:51 PM Post #6 |
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Doodette
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sol!! i'm so sorry about what happened. i'm sorry for earlier when i had to go, i was in the middle of reading it but then i had to do something. if i knew what happened i would have stayed and talked to you, i'm so sorry. well i really do wish you feel better soon. hopefully time should heal the pain for you. |
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| Solanus Dracon | Oct 23 2005, 05:27 PM Post #7 |
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Well, now there's new pain to occupy my mind and body right now. saturday night, I got in a fight with my brother. not a playfight either. fisticuffs. he threw me down and my left wrist went crack. I'm supposed to see an orthopedic surgeon tomorrow about it. the ER doc said that I may require pins in my arm to fix it. This has been a bad week for me. :pif: |
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| Megumi Li | Oct 24 2005, 11:49 PM Post #8 |
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I'll be back on AIM for you soon Alex, on Wednesday hopefully. Megu :sing: |
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| Lyra | Nov 7 2005, 09:47 PM Post #9 |
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Apple Tart
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Alex, I am SO sorry that I missed this post until now. I haven't been keeping up with the board like I should. I hope that you're doing okay. Please e-mail me at sundrychan@aol.com and let me know how you are. You've been there for me through my relationship drama and I will be here for you. |
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| Solanus Dracon | Nov 8 2005, 02:55 AM Post #10 |
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I do hope I can overcome the overwhelming sadness. Even a couple weeks later it still hurts. I don't know how many people caught the part where I broke my wrist in a fight with my brother. I just got the itemized charges for the surgery which was required to repair my wrist. The cost for the insurance company is over 17,000 dollars. I don't know how much it'll be for me after I get my charges for it. Probably over 3,400 dollars. Money I wouldn't have had to spend if all this didn't happen. God damn I'm depressed. Doesn't help that I am teased by dreams wherein I manage to make contact with Alex and remain friends with him. I hope I can make it through the year, I really do. |
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| Pikei | Nov 8 2005, 09:36 AM Post #11 |
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chew
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you will teh pikle will try to make it out to houston before the year's end. then we can go to the japanese place we were kicked out of :smile2: |
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| Solanus Dracon | Nov 14 2005, 06:51 AM Post #12 |
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Well ladies and gentlemen, the trifecta is complete. I got dumped hard, I broke my wrist, and now I pass a stone. That's right kids, I just got back from the emergency room for guess what? A KIDNEY STONE. I just experienced 3 types of pain in a less than a month period. For those of you interested in trivia, passing a stone is considered the second most painful thing to man, just behind childbirth. What a wonderful monthlike timeframe it has been. I'm going to be pretty silent on thanksgiving, I tell you this right now. :pif: :sweat: :cry: |
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| Pikei | Nov 14 2005, 10:41 AM Post #13 |
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chew
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:sob: |
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| Chucker | Nov 14 2005, 02:05 PM Post #14 |
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Flipping Out
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God is MAD. |
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| Solanus Dracon | Dec 15 2005, 05:08 PM Post #15 |
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Just when I thought the suffering was over, the final nail in my coffin. I am moving by the end of this month. I am moving to a place where there is no broadband access available. I will be unable to play WoW, or download musics and shit, and I will not be able to tie up the telephone line to be online during the day. I will be stuck. This may be goodbye for a while folks. I'll miss you all if I don't come back for a long time. |
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