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Swan's Stuff; Yes, I do something creative...
Topic Started: Mar 10 2009, 04:26 AM (904 Views)
Under The Ashes
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A Screaming Riot
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Lolz?
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Signature by our own lovely Tim.
Candy Man Criminal
 
its not sex just cuz you switched hands
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s123i68
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Omega Pirate
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Yes, UTA. lolz.

Anyway, I took the advice you gave, Tim, and edited a little bit of everything in the story. Cut out the ninja shit, thank you. White nerdy guys can latch onto things, not climb them (you'll see what I mean :P).

I specifically edited the awkward writing, and made it sound, well, realistic.

I also tried to differentiate the two character's (that I introduced, of course) personalities, making the main character seem hesitant, while Josh is the tough guy.

Fixed some of the tone and wording of other parts to fit that idea as well.

Oh, before I forget, don't expect to see this thing updated too often. It's a side project, if anything.

So without further ado, here's a link so people don't have to scroll through a long post again :). Enjoy!

EDIT: Is it just me, or does every single story on the Fanfiction.net Left 4 Dead page involve some idiot teenager or some stupid romance between characters? I mean, my story seemed pretty ridiculous from the moment the idea popped into my head, but some of those fanfics sound disturbing...in more ways than one. Btw, I'm looking at the M rated stories for Left 4 Dead (which mine is, just in case I feel like going into detail with the gore or language. It's not unnatural to say the word "fuck" a lot when the world is overrun with zombies).

EDIT 2: I see a story involving Chicago Ted. This I've gotta read. Here, you read it too. Yes, you, the one at the computer desk.
072
 
Awesome, time to buy me some heels.

Phlakes
 
Some people are born douches, but true douchitude must be achieved through hard work and determination.

Pomegranate
 
why do your balls look too big to me?
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Timmeh
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Hee hee!
It's much better, IMO.

I found the last paragraph a bit difficult to read, though. Lots of details, and it's hard to picture what's going on with everything happening all at once. I think part of it is that since you haven't given the survivors names yet (the main 4), you're forced to refer to them in a kind of confusing way. I don't really have a good idea to solve that, but I think it makes things weird, especially near the end...

Minor things:
1) African/African American still sound kind of silly. "Black dude" should be fine.
2) "We picked up the pace, and ran into the room, her and me getting inside just as Josh and the biker began to shut the door." should be ""We picked up the pace and ran into the room, getting inside just as Josh and the biker began to shut the door."
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s123i68
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Yeah, I'm not really sure how to get around that weirdness. It's sort of necessary. It doesn't make sense for them to introduce themselves while running for their lives.

However, the first thing any of them do in "Chapter 2" is introduce themselves and develop character-wise.

I'm probably going to take some liberties with the four original survivors in terms of personality, however, those liberties will be very similar to what the characters distinct personalities are/should be. i.e. I'll accentuate their personalities rather than change them.

Still not sure on the real personality of the main character and his partner, but I'm getting an idea of what they will be.

Btw, Fanfiction.net sucks ass. Trying to get the edited version of Chap. 1 to show up, but it shows the unedited version. God.

*10 minute interval here*

Well, finally got it to work. Here is the edited version according to your added revisions, Tim. Thanks for the input, it definitely helps.
072
 
Awesome, time to buy me some heels.

Phlakes
 
Some people are born douches, but true douchitude must be achieved through hard work and determination.

Pomegranate
 
why do your balls look too big to me?
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Under The Ashes
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Defiantly better. I give it an R. For Retardedly Good. Serious though, good writing.
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its not sex just cuz you switched hands
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Timmeh
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Yeah so not like I'm a month late or anything, but here's some of the grammar edits and stuff they recommended:

You
 
I popped another shell into my shotgun. “You loaded?” Josh asked me. “Yep,” I replied. “Good, we need to get a move on. I heard about a group of survivors who were headed for the hospital for rescue. We should go with them,” Josh said. “You know them?” I asked. “No, but they’re smart and brave enough to head into the subway,” Josh answered. “Or stupid and lucky,” I muttered as finished wrapping a wound with some bandages from my first aid kit. “Well, nevertheless, more people gives us more of a chance,” Josh said. “Point taken,” I said, and we headed off again…

The infection began two weeks ago. In that time, human civilization has been overrun. Metropolitan areas are destroyed. Very few people have managed to survive. Even fewer have taken the initiative to get themselves out. As of this point in time, a pair of survivors is headed towards Mercy hospital, hoping to run into a couple others on their way. Now both groups have come face to face with the evolving infected. The question is, do they have the ability to fight them?

“Oh no…” I said quietly. “What?” Josh asked. “You hear that?” I asked. A faint moaning resonated through the air. “Crap…” Josh muttered. “That…that definitely sounds like a witch,” I said. “Relax. We can go around her. No problem,” Josh said. Then I heard it; (replace with :) a shotgun going off. “Josh, did you hear that shotgun?” I asked. “I’m betting every infected (poor word combination, though it might sound okay in context/as dialogue) within a mile heard it, Tyler,” he replied as he cautiously looked ahead. Suddenly, we began hearing shouts and what I thought was a cry for help. “Dude, I think they’re in trouble,” I said. The witch’s resonant moan brought us back to our own situation. “Well, we need to focus. They can deal with whatever they’re fighting. Let’s just worry about getting around that witch we heard,” Josh replied. An explosion followed by a shriek told us all we needed to know. Josh and I began running towards the subway station.

We skidded to a stop and saw four people lying on the ground, all badly injured. A witch was ripping one of them to shreds. The other three were busy targeting the gargantuan tank that was getting ready to pick up a car. “You take the witch; I’ll help with the tank!” Josh yelled. I was already in motion. “Help! Help!” the man getting attacked by the witch yelled. She was about to strike into him again when my shotgun’s barrel punched right through her right eye. She looked up for a second, only to have her entire right temple splatter against a car. “Damn, you arrived in the nick of time,” the man said as I helped him up. “Tyler! I need some help over here!” Josh yelled. I turned to see him fighting the tank, only to see that he was backed up against a car. The tank turned to face Josh, and I immediately tried to help. I launched myself onto the tank’s back, and tried to lock my arms around his neck to prevent myself from getting thrown off. That gave Josh all the time he needed. Josh unloaded with his rifle into the tank’s forehead. A few bullets came dangerously close to hitting me as I tried to let go of the tank. There was some motion left in the tank’s body, (comma unnecessary) though, and I fell forward with the body as I let go of the tank’s neck.

I saw the man (who was of African descent) I save (should be saved) helping up another one of his friends, and I noticed that the only female of the group was the last one on the ground. “Here, let’s get you ready to go,” I said as I helped her up. “Thanks…” She muttered as she pulled out a bottle of pills. “You guys have pain pills?” I asked. “Only a couple,” the woman replied. “Eh, that’s fine. I’ll live,” I said, scratching my bandage. We all heard the rumbling noise that began to get louder. “Shit…” I muttered with the older male of the other group. “It’s them! We gotta go! Get to the subway!” Josh yelled. We immediately began running into the subway station and saw an open door where the wall had caved in. I noticed a room that looked like it had been boarded up at one time. “There!” The older man yelled as he pointed towards the room. We were about to make it into the room when I heard a scream. “Help!” the woman cried. I noticed that a Smoker tongue had latched onto her. She was being dragged to her doom. I dropped my shotgun and ran back for her. As I reached her, I pulled out a machete. Ironically, I had found it in a gun shop earlier. I chopped the tongue off, and the woman rolled out of the death grip. “Here,” I said as I handed her a pistol.

I quickly picked her up and helped her to the room. I heard pistol shots going off, and could feel the wind right next to my ear. I also felt one nick my ear. “Watch it!” I yelled to Josh and the biker of the group, who were shooting at the infected behind us. “We are!” they yelled back. We picked up the pace and ran into the room, getting inside just as Josh and the biker began to shut the door. The black man was in a corner, taking care of a bleeding leg. The older man was busy killing off a couple of infected that were in the bathroom. “We need some help over here!” I heard Josh say, and looked up to notice that the door wasn’t shut all the way, and that many (add "of the") infected were pushing up against it. I got up and shot a few of the closest infected. “Tyler! That’s not helping!” Josh yelled. I realized he was right. Piling the infected in front of the door would only jam it, giving the infected more leverage. I began trying to shoot the infected behind the ones directly pushing on the door. The woman helped me, and soon enough, there was a break in the wave of infected. The older man came out to help push the door shut, and the large, metal door finally locked into place. Josh and the older man quickly pulled the brace into place, fixating the door no matter how many infected pushed against it. The woman and I continued to take out infected with our pistols. “Tyler, save your ammo!” Josh said. I stopped firing. The remaining infected must’ve realized that it was futile, (comma unncessary) and began wandering around just outside the door. “We made it!” I said. “Hardly,” Josh replied as the other survivors checked the black man’s wounds…


Judging from what I was told, you're a bit of a comma and semicolon whore. Which is funny, because I am too.

Also, one big recommendation they had was to split your dialogue into its own paragraphs. It seems like it's lost in all the action the way you have it now.
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s123i68
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Uh...so yeah, an update...kinda...I guess.

So I've been busy catching up in school and stuff, but now that it's summer, I'm gonna get ready to show some more stuff. However, everything I have right now needs some work, so give me a week (or two).

So, in the meantime, here's an image that made me laugh uncontrollably for 5 minutes.
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This wasn't made by me. All credit goes to Kabutroid, who also makes a webcomic, obviously. It's pretty funny, IMO.

So yeah, give me a week, and I'll have something concrete to put in here.
072
 
Awesome, time to buy me some heels.

Phlakes
 
Some people are born douches, but true douchitude must be achieved through hard work and determination.

Pomegranate
 
why do your balls look too big to me?
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Pomegranate
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Prime Essence
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from the fruit of the tree's loins
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Infinity's End
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Metroid
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I don't get it. T.S.?
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Birds fall from the window ledge above mine. Then they flap their wings at the last second. I can see
their dead weight just dropping like stones or small loaves of bread past my window all the time.
But unless I get up, walk across the room and peer down below, I don't see their last second curves
toward a horizontal flight. Now due to a construct in my mind that makes their falling and their flight
symbolic of my entire existence, it becomes important for me to get up and see their last second
curves toward flight. It's almost as if my life will fall unless I see their ascent.
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s123i68
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Omega Pirate
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Link fail. Give me a few minutes.

EDIT: Fixed.
072
 
Awesome, time to buy me some heels.

Phlakes
 
Some people are born douches, but true douchitude must be achieved through hard work and determination.

Pomegranate
 
why do your balls look too big to me?
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Phlakes
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Omega Pirate
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...

Still confused...
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Pomegranate
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Prime Essence
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you people obviously don't know how to right click> properties a picture, then post the link in your address bar >.>
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Phlakes
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Ooooooohhhh...

I get it now...
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Syntax Man
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that is made of win
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People are Shit.  When I'm In a crowd I think to myself "who left this shit all over the place."   I'm shit, you're shit, the world is shit, and if you're sitting there thinking "yes its true, everyone else is shit except me" then you're a double bacon shit with large fries Mr. shit face

Duty Calls: a Call of Duty parody by People Can Fly (the Bulletstorm developer)
 
Rank Up! Sergeant Of The Master Sergeants Most Important Person Of Extreme Sergeants To The Max!
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s123i68
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Omega Pirate
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God, the link keeps breaking...Hold up.

EDIT: That should fix it...hopefully.
072
 
Awesome, time to buy me some heels.

Phlakes
 
Some people are born douches, but true douchitude must be achieved through hard work and determination.

Pomegranate
 
why do your balls look too big to me?
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