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| Swan's Stuff; Yes, I do something creative... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 10 2009, 04:26 AM (904 Views) | |
| Under The Ashes | Mar 17 2009, 08:36 PM Post #16 |
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A Screaming Riot
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Lolz? |
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| s123i68 | Mar 19 2009, 07:57 AM Post #17 |
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Omega Pirate
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Yes, UTA. lolz. Anyway, I took the advice you gave, Tim, and edited a little bit of everything in the story. Cut out the ninja shit, thank you. White nerdy guys can latch onto things, not climb them (you'll see what I mean :P). I specifically edited the awkward writing, and made it sound, well, realistic. I also tried to differentiate the two character's (that I introduced, of course) personalities, making the main character seem hesitant, while Josh is the tough guy. Fixed some of the tone and wording of other parts to fit that idea as well. Oh, before I forget, don't expect to see this thing updated too often. It's a side project, if anything. So without further ado, here's a link so people don't have to scroll through a long post again :). Enjoy! EDIT: Is it just me, or does every single story on the Fanfiction.net Left 4 Dead page involve some idiot teenager or some stupid romance between characters? I mean, my story seemed pretty ridiculous from the moment the idea popped into my head, but some of those fanfics sound disturbing...in more ways than one. Btw, I'm looking at the M rated stories for Left 4 Dead (which mine is, just in case I feel like going into detail with the gore or language. It's not unnatural to say the word "fuck" a lot when the world is overrun with zombies). EDIT 2: I see a story involving Chicago Ted. This I've gotta read. Here, you read it too. Yes, you, the one at the computer desk. |
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| Timmeh | Mar 19 2009, 08:20 AM Post #18 |
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The Electryc Penys
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Hee hee! It's much better, IMO. I found the last paragraph a bit difficult to read, though. Lots of details, and it's hard to picture what's going on with everything happening all at once. I think part of it is that since you haven't given the survivors names yet (the main 4), you're forced to refer to them in a kind of confusing way. I don't really have a good idea to solve that, but I think it makes things weird, especially near the end... Minor things: 1) African/African American still sound kind of silly. "Black dude" should be fine. 2) "We picked up the pace, and ran into the room, her and me getting inside just as Josh and the biker began to shut the door." should be ""We picked up the pace and ran into the room, getting inside just as Josh and the biker began to shut the door." |
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| s123i68 | Mar 19 2009, 09:11 AM Post #19 |
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Omega Pirate
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Yeah, I'm not really sure how to get around that weirdness. It's sort of necessary. It doesn't make sense for them to introduce themselves while running for their lives. However, the first thing any of them do in "Chapter 2" is introduce themselves and develop character-wise. I'm probably going to take some liberties with the four original survivors in terms of personality, however, those liberties will be very similar to what the characters distinct personalities are/should be. i.e. I'll accentuate their personalities rather than change them. Still not sure on the real personality of the main character and his partner, but I'm getting an idea of what they will be. Btw, Fanfiction.net sucks ass. Trying to get the edited version of Chap. 1 to show up, but it shows the unedited version. God. *10 minute interval here* Well, finally got it to work. Here is the edited version according to your added revisions, Tim. Thanks for the input, it definitely helps. |
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| Under The Ashes | Mar 19 2009, 12:10 PM Post #20 |
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A Screaming Riot
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Defiantly better. I give it an R. For Retardedly Good. Serious though, good writing. |
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| Timmeh | Apr 7 2009, 09:05 PM Post #21 |
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The Electryc Penys
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Yeah so not like I'm a month late or anything, but here's some of the grammar edits and stuff they recommended:
Judging from what I was told, you're a bit of a comma and semicolon whore. Which is funny, because I am too. Also, one big recommendation they had was to split your dialogue into its own paragraphs. It seems like it's lost in all the action the way you have it now. |
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| s123i68 | Jun 24 2009, 07:14 PM Post #22 |
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Omega Pirate
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Uh...so yeah, an update...kinda...I guess. So I've been busy catching up in school and stuff, but now that it's summer, I'm gonna get ready to show some more stuff. However, everything I have right now needs some work, so give me a week (or two). So, in the meantime, here's an image that made me laugh uncontrollably for 5 minutes. ![]() This wasn't made by me. All credit goes to Kabutroid, who also makes a webcomic, obviously. It's pretty funny, IMO. So yeah, give me a week, and I'll have something concrete to put in here. |
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| Pomegranate | Jun 25 2009, 09:25 AM Post #23 |
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Prime Essence
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from the fruit of the tree's loins |
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| Infinity's End | Jun 25 2009, 01:51 PM Post #24 |
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Metroid
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I don't get it. T.S.? |
![]() Birds fall from the window ledge above mine. Then they flap their wings at the last second. I can see their dead weight just dropping like stones or small loaves of bread past my window all the time. But unless I get up, walk across the room and peer down below, I don't see their last second curves toward a horizontal flight. Now due to a construct in my mind that makes their falling and their flight symbolic of my entire existence, it becomes important for me to get up and see their last second curves toward flight. It's almost as if my life will fall unless I see their ascent. | |
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| s123i68 | Jun 26 2009, 07:32 AM Post #25 |
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Omega Pirate
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Link fail. Give me a few minutes. EDIT: Fixed. |
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| Phlakes | Jun 26 2009, 12:32 PM Post #26 |
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Omega Pirate
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... Still confused... |
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| Pomegranate | Jun 26 2009, 12:46 PM Post #27 |
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Prime Essence
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you people obviously don't know how to right click> properties a picture, then post the link in your address bar >.> |
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| Phlakes | Jun 26 2009, 12:54 PM Post #28 |
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Omega Pirate
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Ooooooohhhh... I get it now... |
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| Syntax Man | Jun 27 2009, 12:28 AM Post #29 |
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Omega Pirate
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that is made of win |
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| s123i68 | Jun 27 2009, 01:37 AM Post #30 |
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Omega Pirate
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God, the link keeps breaking...Hold up. EDIT: That should fix it...hopefully. |
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