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| ANIMAL KINGDOM; All jOkeS abT ANimaL | |
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| Topic Started: 28 Feb 2008, 06:23 AM (182 Views) | |
| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 06:23 AM Post #1 |
B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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Ok FRieNds .. If U have COllecTioN Of AnimaL JOkeS..theN jusT put IT heRe N let's Make An1maL KIngdOM....N jusT begiN 2 LauGH LOudeR n LOudeR che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 06:24 AM Post #2 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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1st one 4m me... A camel decided to educate his son who he suspected was getting a little inquisitive. `Why do we have two humps?` asked the son. `That is so that we can go for days and weeks without water. We can store it in the humps.` `Why do we have very long eye lashes?` `That,` he was told, `is to protect the eyes from the sand in a sand storm.` `And why do we have bulbous looking feet?` `That is so that we can travel twice as fast through the desert.` `Dad,` asked the young camel, `what the hell are we doing in this zoo?` che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 06:27 AM Post #3 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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the 2nd One.......... A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We`ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, " But we`ve never subscribed to any papers!" che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 06:31 AM Post #4 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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3rd One...... A Panda bear walks into a bar. Sits down at a table and orders a beer and a double cheeseburger. After he is finished eating, he pulls out a gun and rips the place with gunfire. Patrons scatter and dive under chairs and tables as the bear runs out the door. After ensuring that no one is hurt, the bartender races out the door, and calls after the bear "What the censored did you do that for?" The bear calls back, "I`m a Panda bear. Look it up in the dictionary." The bartender returns, pulls out his dictionary. Panda : \Pan"da\, n. (Zo["o]l.) A small Asiatic mammal (Ailurus fulgens) having fine soft fur. It is related to the bears, and inhabits the mountains of Northern India. Eats shoots and leaves. che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 06:37 AM Post #5 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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4th One ............ mONKEy MAn1a A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I am saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissiing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "Now wait, you are saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey. CHE3rS :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 06:42 AM Post #6 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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5TH oNE... A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer". The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!". CHE3rS :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 06:50 AM Post #7 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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6th One........ A frog telephoned the Psychic Hot line and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog said, "that`s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," said the psychic, "next semester in her biology class." che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 06:57 AM Post #8 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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7TH One.......... This One Is DamN FuNNY...Just ReaD ouT...... A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?! che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 07:02 AM Post #9 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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8 th One... Its LOnG ..But So KOOl.. Joe did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too young." said Joe. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own" Joe thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Joe replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Joe clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Joe said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Joe, for Christ's sake!!! Wake up ... you're shittin' all over the bed!" che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 07:03 AM Post #10 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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9 th One..........casiNo HunteR.... A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!" The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 07:05 AM Post #11 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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10 th One la... A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly," The lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly," She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly," The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn t do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn t say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes ?" And the bird replied, "You know." che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 07:07 AM Post #12 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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11th one........ After dying this cat walked up to the Pearly Gates where he met St Peter. St. Peter says to the cat, "During your time on earth, you were a good little cat. You kept your masters house & barn free of pests, and for this faithful service, you get one wish for anything you would particularly like.” The cat thinks for a moment before replying, "Well, my master had this satin pillow that I loved, so I would like a satin pillow just like that one.” St. Peter replies, "Go on through you`ll find it waiting." A little while later a group of field mice appear at the Pearly Gates. St Peter greets them saying, "During your time on earth you were good little field mice. You kept the other pests from destroying the farmers crop, so as a reward you may have anything you like in heaven." The field mice converse briefly before one steps forward and says, "The farmers children had roller skates, and they looked like a lot of fun, so that`s what we`d like." St Peter replies, "Go on through you`ll find them waitng." A while later St Peter was strolling through Heaven when he came across the cat who was sitting on his satin pillow purring contentedly. "So how are you enjoying Heaven?" St Peter inquired. "Oh, it`s wonderful," answered the cat, "This pillow is just divine, even better than the one I had in Earth, and the Meals on Wheels, *kisses his paw* Nice Touch." che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 07:09 AM Post #13 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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12th one... A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can`t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I`ve got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can`t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I`ll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it`s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He`s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I`ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what`s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can`t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there`s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What`s the matter?!" The centipede says, "I`m goin`! I`m goin`! I`m just puttin` on my shoes! che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 07:10 AM Post #14 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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13th One..pani hai ta......Its too good.. Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it`s time to tell him he`s adopted." che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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| bizarre | 28 Feb 2008, 07:13 AM Post #15 |
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B1Z@RR3 dA Gr8
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14th one pani la..........reAD CareFUlLY... This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor`s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor`s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!" che3Rs :rolleyes: |
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10:28 AM Nov 8
