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We're re-writing the pilot!...; ...And you're the writer!
Topic Started: May 15 2010, 03:54 PM (4,063 Views)
Cosmographia
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What time is it?
Okay, here's my entry! =D It was revised by G4P, and he suggested I should title it "What have we started?" but I also want to hear--eh, I mean, read the other member's opinions as well.

This is my first script in 6 years, but I don't want you guys to go soft on it. I prefer a good criticism, and all that. :evilkitty:

Edit: followed Sarah and Nat's suggestions.

Edit: Forgot to add one more thing. xD
Attached to this post:
Attachments: pilot.doc (26 KB)
Edited by Cosmographia, Jun 11 2010, 01:22 PM.
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Dee
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Irken Elite
I just read that :XD:

That was pretty clever! I liked the ending. I won't spoil it, though.

Great job :yay:
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JIR
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Irken Civilian
Awesome job Cosmo!!! I thought it was cool!!! Dib is so awesome in this script...two thumbs up!!! :yay:
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Matts
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The Ghosts Eyes
I thought that overall it was good, bu there was a few things that can be changed. For one this is a Zim script! Have some more comedy. I mean even thought the ending was funny I found the humor to be sparse. And Gaz in this episode seems to care to much about whatDib is saying, usally she is more detached and just focus on her game and doesn't even care about Dib and Zim. Also when the machine breaks and Dib is mad usally around the end of the second season he is less caring like in Waffles when the robots come. He is usally prepared for his bad luck. Other than that I thought it was good overal
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G4P
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"Slash it Slash it!"
I disagree, I think that she did a good job of making Dib act like Gaz actually cares about what he is talking about, she never cares, she just sort of ignores him. But hey, that is just me, you are probably right.
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Cosmographia
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GHP
Jun 9 2010, 07:41 PM
I thought that overall it was good, bu there was a few things that can be changed. For one this is a Zim script! Have some more comedy. I mean even thought the ending was funny I found the humor to be sparse. And Gaz in this episode seems to care to much about whatDib is saying, usally she is more detached and just focus on her game and doesn't even care about Dib and Zim. Also when the machine breaks and Dib is mad usally around the end of the second season he is less caring like in Waffles when the robots come. He is usally prepared for his bad luck. Other than that I thought it was good overal
I would suppose I could work around more comedy; my comedy style isn't the same as Jhonen's it usually revolves around the random-meter, or breaking the 4th wall. If anyone has any suggestions for funny parts, I'll gladly take them.

However, I have to disagree with the Gaz part. Gaz doesn't care, she's just with him and playing a game. If you notice, every time Dib talks to her, she either replies sarcastically, uncaring, or just gets remains quiet; only until she gets tired of him talking that she trips him.

I could go more into it, but I'll have to describe Gaz's psychological structure.

The mad Dib part, I understand too, and I think if it's edited, I wouldn't mind. The idea was to get the camera-focus away from him. Also, the point that him saying: "oh well", would probably make him either a quitter or would be too relied to the Waffle episode. I'm sure that for Dib, his house is his home base, and I didn't want to make him that 2Dimensional, but not add unnecessary characteristics. Especially after he had planned everything he would do and see it break in front of him. In most episodes, he just wants to get the evidence, so if he loses it in the process, then he'll drop it and move on. Now that he was so close, I think it's normal he would say something like that.

@JIR and Dee: Thanks a lot! 8D
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G4P
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"Slash it Slash it!"
Hmm, basically a long version of what I said cosmo.
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Simply Nat
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Nat fo Shizzle
I'm not a great critique but I thought it was fun, Cosmo. I had some problems with the wording though, sometimes you left out important descriptions which would have made it easier to understand what's going on.
For example, right in the first paragraph you wrote that Zim basically comes in at one end of the screen and exits at the other while screaming. I think you meant for him to be running, too, because otherwise it would be rather strange, even for Zim, if he was just walking slowly while screaming. :XD:
Thta's my advice, just doublecheck the script and make sure it's always clear just what is going on. ^^
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DannyAKA23
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That Guy
Haha! I like all the scripts submitted so far. ^-^

I want to post one but I'll have to find time later on to work on it. Like Cosmo, this will be my first ZIM script in a long time. <.< I have my basic idea so it shouldn't take long.
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Alohilani
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Firestarter
I liked the script very much, Cosmo. I thought it was funny.
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Cosmographia
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@Nat: Oh, you bet point me out where you got lost, you never notice these things when you're writing it. I'll edit them in a jiffy. =D

But yes, he was running. =3

@Danny: Actually, this was my first Zim script ever. But YES, post yours, I want to read it!

@Lani: Thanks! >X3
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Tallest Sarah
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Headless clown!
I liked it a lot. I just have some mini dialog edit suggestions.
-------------------------------------------
"No longer will I be known as Dib the insane child of Prof. Membrane"

Although this is probably accurate, does Dib acknowledge this? I've never heard him refer to himself as a child or insane. It just doesn't feel right to me. He does say that others think he is crazy, but never insane. Only Membrane calls his son insane.
--------------------------------------------
" you shouldn't have nerve endings"

This just seems a strange thing to say. How about just "But... you're a robot, you shouldn't feel anything"
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"Maybe even believe in the paranormal"

Why would showing Membrane alien technology make him believe in the paranormal? I'd drop that phrase.

---------------------------------------------

Gaz, Zim and Gir dialog is great, no changes suggested. I can hear them saying these things as I read it.

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Cosmographia
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What time is it?
That's very true, you picked the parts where I didn't like very much. XD

I'll edit the nerve ending part, and I'll think how to work around those other ones.
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DannyAKA23
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That Guy
@Cosmo - wow, that makes me like your script a lot more! ^-^

I'll try to have mine in by tomorrow. My cousin's over atm and I've got to brainstorm just a taaaad bit more.
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G4P
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"Slash it Slash it!"
He never thinks he is insane, but it is perfectly plausible that he notices other people calling him insane. It is just like how he doesn't think his head is big, but everyone makes fun of him for it.
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