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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 12 2012, 08:40 PM (678 Views) | |
| uragaaru | Sep 12 2012, 08:40 PM Post #1 |
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Dead Ukyo Fangirl
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I was interested in finding feedback for some of my work and, being new to the community, I'm not sure where to go other than the 1-2 people who intermittently message me on FF.net. While I have a few multi-part stories (that probably could use feedback since I've hosed myself on certain plot elements, I wanted feedback on my longest planned story, Balance. Since then a more accurate summary (which will be updated when I get this pesky chapter off of my hands) I think has emerged: Ranma Saotome has spent the last two years of his life on the edge of a knife, time and again holding back forces he is woefully unprepared for. When the bulwark's facade finally collapses, what will remain? The posted chapters can be found here: As for the chapter, it's about 80% done, at least before a second and third pass to smooth out scenes. My biggest concern is the dream sequence at the beginning and making sure the two characters who have gotten the least amount of characterization (Ryouga and Shampoo) have their personalities fleshed out. I think the former is okay enough, though the latter probably needs work. With that said: ----------------- Chapter 5: Equilibrium Sunday 2:45 AM Ranma stood at the summit of a large mountain somewhere in China. Mist obscured all but the ground immediately surrounding him. Standing in Battle stance, several figures cloaked in mists appeared one after another. Ryu Kumon in his military fatigues and tank top, smirked at Ranma. "Nice to see ya again, pussy. What's with that body? Finally decided you were a little girl, after all?" Ranma was confused. He was in his male form last he checked. He looked down and his arms and swelled chest painted a different picture. She flinched slightly before retorting, "Not like it makes a difference asshole! I'll still beat you again, like last time!" Herb, in his royal garb and flowing white hair, a sword of pure ki emanating from his hand. "I thought you were worthy of respect, but I see I was wrong! Look at yourself, lost to Nyaniichuan." Saffron, in his old form, wings spread fully, a wheel of fire dancing in front of him. "In this life, I will have my revenge upon you, you worthless bitch." Happosai bounded into view, carrying a large sack of the usual goods. "When we finish with you, I'm gonna have a fun time with you, Ranma-chan!" Kuno, in his old kendo uniform, ran in, his eyes looking wide with an unsettling hunger. "My pigtailed girl! I will destroy that foul sorcerer within you once and for all!" Mousse and Ryouga came in now, fists prepared, grinning wildly, their brows furrowed. "Saotome, it will be extra sweet watching that pretty body of yours die so many times. Akane will be mine!" "I can't wait any longer! Shampoo will be mine if I have to get through your flimsy corpse to do it!" Finally, and most surprisingly, Ranma's own father emerged from the shadows and stood in front of the others. Genma adjusted his glasses and looked downwards, spitting at the ground in front between himself and Ranma. "You have disappointed me for the last time, girl..." The middle-aged man growled as he took a battle stance, "You no longer have manly honor. Die!" The mob of enemies charged Ranma, but even in the nightmare, Ranma slipped through them all and counterattacked. One by one, they disappeared into mist with each strike. Finally, the phantom of Genma remained. Ranma raised a fist to prepare a strike, but hesitated. "Ha! I knew you were nothing but a weak girl after all! You should be lucky you fell into Nyaniichuan, shame of my loins!" Enraged, she punched the figure only to have it disappear in an unsatisfying puff of black and white smoke, the sound of manic laughter echoing across the empty space. She looked around wildly, enraged. Suddenly, loud synthesized fanfare echoed around Ranma. It was as though she had beaten a particularly bad video game. A chill down ran down her spine and, looking down, he found he was back in his male body. Suddenly, Shampoo, Ukyou, and Kodachi, emerged, throwing themselves at his feet. Ranma was spooked and tried to move, but found his legs unresponsive. The three women looked up at him, wide-eyed. Their mouths were open, but speechless and the effect was that they looked more like automata rather than people. Ranma began to feel intensely ill. "Yay! You're awesome for killing them all! You're the manliest murderer of them all!" an unfamiliar, annoyingly perky voice boomed into his head. Ranma was taken aback, but could not move. He shouted to the air above him, "Murderer!? I-I just beat them up! I don't kill people!" Ranma looked outwards and saw piles of bleached skeletons where his opponents had been. He looked down again and saw a pair of white shoes and pants. Ranma now stood in the Tendo Dojo on the day of the wedding. The bedlam from that day seemed to swirl around him, as though he was standing in the eye of the storm of this farce of a ceremony. He saw Happosai reach for the familiar cask of liquid. Ranma made a beeline and kicked it in the air, breaking it open. The Nanniichuan water inside the cask fell onto Ranma like a waterfall. He was whole, complete again! Never again would he be faced with the indignities of turning into a girl! He was all man now! He smiled jubilantly and walked into the mirror triumphantly, His reflection told a different story. He looked down and could see his body was male, but the reflection was that of his girl self, tears streaming down her face. She began soundlessly banging her fists towards him, as though trying to break the glass from within. Gradually, the reflection grew distant and faint until she disappeared from sight. Even though he could hear no sound, her final scream was almost too loud to bear. He fell to his knees, feeling like weeping, but nothing came. . "Well done boy! You're my real son again!" Genma cheered. "Here here, Ranma! Have some ginjou sake, a man's drink!" Soun handed him a small cup. "Oh, isn't my son brave and handsome for killing that awful girl!" Nodoka smiled sweetly. Ranma was perplexed. "Wait, kill?" he asked hesitantly. "Isn't he a dream boat now!" Kasumi cheered. "I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers," Nabiki added. "Ranma is strong man for village!" Shampoo cheered. "He's more of a man than we'll ever be," Mousse and Ryouga said at the same time, simultaneously dejected. "Ran-chan! My manly hero!" Ukyou, wearing the Furinkan girls' uniform, squealed in delight. Ranma looked around at the garish displays, the colors in the dojo seem to brighten into a vulgar cacophany of images that made his eyes hurt until everything around him was a stark, blinding white. When the blinding light subsided he found himself, once more, in solitary space, the walls, floor, and ceiling of which were a flat, bright white. He found he was wearing his usual Chinese-style clothes and the discordant sights and sounds were gone, with one exception. Akane sat cross-legged at a low table, similar to the one in the Tendo home’s living room. There were two fruit and ice cream parfaits in front of her, one of which she was in the midst of eating, using an extremely dainty motion and a comically tiny spoon. Ranma walked over and sat at the table next to her. He reached over to grab the other parfait, but was slapped in the hand by Akane. "Now, now. That's only for girls, not men like you. You killed her, after all." "But, I... I just wanted to sit next to you." "I can't be with a murderer." "But I thought this what you wanted. I didn't mean to kill her. I'm sorry!" "Sorry won't bring her back. You'll just have to die as well." Akane stood, the spoon in her hand turning into a sword. Ranma stepped back, only to bump into the other Tendo sisters, their swords raised. "Murderer! Murderer!" The women chanted as they began their downward swing. Ranma could only scream in terror and closed his eyes, bracing for the oncoming blows. Ranma sat up from his futon, letting out a quick, baritone scream before realizing where he was. He put his head into his hands for a moment, before standing up and preparing for the day. Sunday 11:33 AM Ranma was sitting on the engawa, letting the cool Spring air dry the sweat from his brow. He had spent all Sunday morning training, first in the Dojo, then outside, practicing the complex, infinitely variable aerial maneuvers that was the signature of the Anything-Goes School. After stretching his limbs. He stood to grab something to drink when Akane entered the living room, a tote bag in her hands. Ranma smiled weakly seeing her.. "Yo Akane. Had fun at Ucchan's place?" "Oh, Ranma! Um, yeah. It was actually really nice. We watched a movie, talked. Ya know, really girly stuff. Even Konatsu was bored stiff," she said, trying to save face for the kunoichi, "you would've hated it." "Ah, that so?" he said, somewhat haltingly, as he entered the kitchen, "Well, I was busy too ya know. Sparred with Mousse, ate some food, kicked back... Real dude stuff, ya know?" Akane gave him a look of incredulity, "Mousse isn't exactly a 'dude' like you are, Ranma" she teased, which made Ranma shrink a bit. "Yeah, I guess not," a weak laugh escaped him as he returned with a glass of water. Akane continued, "But I'm happy you did something yesterday other than sit around or train. Where's your mother?" Ranma shrugged as he emptied the glass. When he finished he said, "Ma went out to buy stuff for dinner, with Kasumi. Dunno what they're making though. She left as soon as I was coming downstairs for breakfast." Akane nodded. Ranma went back to shadow sparring and asked, "So did you guys go jogging or somethin' today? You look like you worked out." "Actually, I'm doing some training. Ukyou said she'd help me." "What, like theater exercises or somethin'?" Akane stared at Ranma, eyes wide in frustration, "No, Martial Arts! We were sparring!" Ranma cocked his head slightly as he looked behind him, "I thought you didn't do that seriously no more." "Well, I- I changed my mind! I'm allowed to, aren't I?" Ranma turned back to his invisible opponent, "Yeah, I guess... I hope you didn't get too awful though, for Ucchan's sake." "Well maybe if a certain egotistical jerk would lift a finger to help me, I'd be good enough already!" Ranma turned around and looked at Akane with a piercing glance, "I... I don't wanna be responsible if somethin' happens. I might hurt you bad. You're not strong enough Akane. It... it ain't worth it." He closed his eyes, recalling the near-tragedy that occurred last year at Jusendo, feeling the weight of her body in his arms once more. The perfect storm of emotions were formed inside Akane. Akane sputtered the bile-like words outwards. "I'm not a child Ranma! I'm not fragile doll. I'm a person too. I can fight. I can fight better than any normal person, and I can do it without being a stupid egotistical perverted girl-boy cross-dressing jerk!" As soon as she uttered those words, she had regretted it. Where Ranma would normally flare up and counter her insult with another, he just shut down. He slowly walked towards the front door stopping in front of Akane, looking earnestly into her eyes. "Yeah... you're right. What was I thinking? Sorry. Um, Ucchan's a good partner. She'll keep ya on your toes," Ranma look away, saying, "Good luck Akane. I'm... I'm gonna go for a walk. Later." Ranma continued towards the entrance. Akane, confused, called out to him. "Wait, where are running off to?" He looked up to her, his eyes unfocused, as though looking back towards the garden. "It's my turn to get Ryouga from the station. Goin' for a run before he shows up." Before Akane could reply he walked over to the entrance, put on his shoes and ran out of the door. Akane opened the door just in time to catch his back as he leapt onto a neighboring roof and disappeared from sight. Sunday 12:12 PM Ryouga Hibiki sat on the train as it barreled down the Shounan Shindou Line, steadily heading towards Ikebukuro Station. He had memorized the directions like a mantra, kept a copy of them in his pack, had laminated cards placed at Ucchans and Akari's place, kept a rolled up copy tucked away in his main bandana and, in essence, did everything short of tattooing them on his hand to make sure he knew the right path: Akari's grandfather drives him to Shimaebashi Station. Shiamebashi to Takasaki. Takasaki to Omiya. Omiya to Ikebukuro in Tokyo. Ikeburkuro to Nerima. Nerima to whoever was there to lead him back to Ucchans. Every other weekend, repeat the whole thing in reverse. Ryouga wasn't averse to walking the whole 100 kilometers from Akari's home to Ukyou's, but he knew that he would probably pass by Nagano, Gifu, Shizuoka, Mito, and Utsunomiya before he found Nerima Ward again. Plus, it gave him solid time to work on desperately needed homework. Ryouga hated that he wasn't as smart as Mousse, Akane, or Ukyou, but took some pleasure in at doing better academically than Ranma, especially in English. During a particularly difficult trigonometry problem set, he got distracted. He looked at at the moving scenery and wondered when it had all become the new normal. He remembered that, after Jusendo and the wedding that wasn't, things had changed. He spent some time with Akari, but, for all her support and their ease of communication, he had missed Tokyo and Nerima and the other people, when he wasn't butting heads with them. Akari was a little disappointed, but after some phone calls, she and Akane had devised a compromise. At first, Ryouga was dismayed that the two women he cared for more than anything else had decided to greatly alter his way of life, but he was also very grateful. He knew it was somewhat backwards, but he took pride in his humility and gratitude towards his friends. And so almost a year had passed since the Lost Boy had found a clear and obvious path. He had enjoyed the relief that there was a direct way between A and B. Between friends and love. Between what he knew to be himself and what the future held. "But..." Ryouga kept thinking over and over. Is this really enough? Ryouga sighed and put his books away into his pack and pulled out a map of the JR rail system with his commute highlighted brightly in yellow. He muttered to himself as he put away the map and stared vacantly, once again running the directions in his head, "Got about 20 more minutes before we hit Tokyo. Guess I'm done with trig until I get home." Ryouga reached into his pack again and pulled out a small lunchbox, wrapped in a decorative cloth. Ryouga chuckled a bit to himself. He knew it was hardly a coincidence that Akari had wrapped his lunch in the yellow cloth with the black pansy floral pattern. It was a sweet gesture, all told. Opening it, he saw it was a compact but dense lunch of rice, pickles, some root vegetables Akari grew on the farm, and a fried chicken cutlet. Ryouga smiled. He had endured, even perversely enjoyed Akane's cooking (admittedly far improved these days) at its worst, but Akari's slightly above-average skill in the kitchen was heavenly in comparison. Ryouga had just finished his meal when the train slowed down, heading to Ikebukuro Station. Ryouga stood up, put on his pack and muttered to himself, "Take the Seibu-Ikebukuro Line outbound to Nerima. Seibu-Ikebukuro Line outbound to Nerima." After asking two station attendants, and being escorted part way by a third, he made it on the right train. It was around 2PM that Ryouga exited Nerima Station. Outside, a short red-haired girl stood waiting for him, dripping slightly, but otherwise relaxed. The girl slowly walked up to Ryouga, smiling a bit, "Hey P-chan. How's Akari doin-" "Ranma Saotome! We never finished our fight!" Ryouga took a stance as he grabbed his umbrella. Ranma jumped back, in a crouch, looking at Ryouga's eyes, "Are you still with that!? Akane n' I patched it up! You still wanna take me? I'll mop the floor with ya and turn you into katsudon." Ryouga stood up straight, returning his umbrella to its place on top of his pack. He laughed a bit. "Heh. Cute as always, little girl. But I'm tired as hell..." he stretched, "You finish the trig homework yet?" Ranma stood and shook her head, "Nah. Got sidetracked last night with Peking Duck." "He challenge you for Shampoo's hand in marriage again?" Ranma shook her head, "Thankfully, no. We ate some Chinese food, did some sparring in the park, and ended up playin' babysitter to a kid from Chiba. Fought Kodachi and her goons, though." Ryouga tilted his head slightly, "She has goons now?" Ranma rolled her eyes and threw up her hands, "I don't even want to know... the one in the slinky dress was cute though. And the Goth Loli chick was into Mousse." Ranma began sauntering away from the station. Ryouga followed as Ranma retold the events of the night before. The lost boy was unsure of what to make of the story. Ranma was brave, sure. Even he couldn't deny that after Jusendo. He was arrogant, as always. In many ways, the pigtailed boy/girl was the same as always. Yet, he had picked up the changes is his rival's mood. Ryouga knew he tended to be oblivious and knowing what other people were feeling was a skill he was woefully terrible at. However, he knew when someone was depressed. He knew that feeling too well not to see it in others. The why was still a mystery, however. But, then again, most things about Ranma Saotome were a mystery to him. The long history or fierce rivalry, rage at being cursed, anger at being tricked yet again by Ranma in disguise, his own shame at mis-aiming a magical artifact he never should have messed with, the begrudging respect given and received on Mt. Horai and Mt. Phoenix, and, most recently, the concern about the pigtailed boy's descent into depression. Fundamentally, Ranma was still the same asshole that Ryouga had hated. At his worst he was egotistical, brash, selfish, and stingy. Yet, somehow, Ranma had become someone worthy of respect, even friendship. He had seen the times where he protected others, stuck his neck out, even for people that didn't deserve it and, risked his life to save the lives of those he cared about. Over the last six months, Ryouga had been trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle that intertwined his life and the lives of the people he had come to see as important. He didn't quite understand what was happening, but he sensed a turning point would come sooner or later. What was currently occupying the Lost Boy's mind was that, curiously, the emotions he saw in the girl in front of him were quite different from the Ranma Saotome he had constructed and then revised in his head. There was a life and an energy he hadn't really seen in the taller Ranma in a while. Finally, just before turning the corner that he remembered was near Ucchans, Ryouga grabbed Ranma shoulder softly. The girl turned back, confused. "Whaddaya doin, P-chan? We're goin' the right way. Ucchan's is right here." Ryouga nodded, "I know... kind of. I meant to ask... how did you get splashed this time?" Ranma blinked, "Well, uh... the Old Washer Lady! She got me real good." Ryouga looked at Ranma dead in the eyes. Ryouga's greatest virtue and biggest weakness was his honesty (mostly, he admitted to himself, he had one considerably large black mark in that department). Aside from being honest to a fault, he could pick up people lying or evading questions, as long as he was in a calm enough mindset to not let his emotions cloud his judgement. Ranma's story seemed fishy and he had no qualms saying it. He spoke deliberately, his voice uncharacteristically even. "Ranma... the Washer Woman is never around on Sundays. What really happened?" Ranma froze. Instead of answering, she grabbed Ryouga's hand, slid the door open, unceremoniously threw him into Ucchan's, quickly sputtered, "he's all yours now, Ucchan! Sorry, can't stay! See ya tomorrow!" and ran off. Ryouga spun around the open area in front of the restaurant like a wobbly top for a moment, disoriented by Ranma's actions in more ways than one. Steadying himself, he caught Ukyo's confused look and merely shrugged. "Hey Ukyo. How's things?" he said, somewhat nervously. "You wanna tell me what that was about with you and Ranchan?" He looked down at his feet for a moment, wondering how what had just occurred fit into the larger puzzle he was trying to figure out and shrugged. "Damned if I know. Does anyone ever understand what that bastard is up to?" He walked towards the kitchen. Looking back, he muttered, "Let me put my things upstairs and I'll give Konatsu a hand." Ukyo nodded, her attention once again split between her work and the conversation, "Sure Ryouga. Welcome back, by the way." Monday 12:17 PM Furinkan High's campus was surprisingly green and pristine, given the sheer number and scope of the fights that took place on its grounds. On a good day, such as the clear, sunny, and only slightly chilly April day, the grounds were practically idyllic in the midst of greenery-deprived suburban Tokyo. Underneath a tree that had seen its fare share of combat and yet, like its brethren, endured, Ranma Saotome, Akane Tendo, Ukyou Kuonji, and Ryouga Hibiki practiced their detente, engaging in peaceful relations over a shared ritual in order to stabilize a long term peace agreement. To most other people, this would be called lunch. As per usual, the highest honors went to those behind the scenes as Kasumi's excellent cooking had defused a possible source of tension between the pigtailed boy and the cobalt-haired girl and Mousse had occupied the potential spoiler with an impromptu Japanese lesson following a less than stellar showing on the morning’s quiz. Ukyou, in her gakuran, was busying herself making lunch for herself and the the bandanna-clad boy, her gift for gab enlivening the proceedings. “” [Some conversation here. Ryouga analyzing potential training methods for Akane, offering to assist the two of them. Ranma making at most one or two token remarks, but otherwise checked out] [SPLASH] "Whaddya do that for, P-chan!" "Don't call me that, Ranma! I just thought you'd snap out of it. Hell, not like you don't mind! I'm starting to think you like bein-" Ryouga flew against the corner of Furinkan High, the force of his body leaving a deep crack on the concrete wall of the school. With a measured anger that, while not much louder than the conversation din, projected a strong certain threat, Ranma spoke, "Are you that stupid, Ryouga? You want me to kill you before you can graduate?" Ranma began walking towards Ryouga but felt a force tugging back. She looked to see Akane desperately holding on to her arm "Ranma, stop! He was just kidding." Ranma looked at Akane with wild, rage-filled eyes, her chest heaving as she fought to remain controlled. In an instant, she relaxed into a more sedate annoyance, "Well, it ain't funny! I ain't a freak or nothin'..." Ranma kept muttering to herself as she slipped her arm from Akane and put her hand in her pockets. She started walking towards the school building just as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch period. Sauntering into the men's room, Ranma received momentary stares from the guys at the sink or urinals, but, upon recognition, they went back to their business. Ranma walked up to the sink and turned on the left faucet handle. Her hands gripped the edge of the basin. She briefly looked down at her hands and the water as it pooled into the sink before draining. her eyes focused on the swirling pattern, almost enraptured by it before slowly turning up towards the mirror. She stared at the face in front of her and took note of its features, while holding a hand out, tentative towards the mirror itself. It wasn't until a waft of steam interceded between herself and the red-haired, blue eyed young woman looking back that she shook her head clear. Ranma made a split-second judgement call and turned off the faucet. She walked out of the bathroom, the boys' faces confused by what had just passed. Entering the classrom, Ranma found Ukyou who looked back at her, her eyes narrowed. Ukyou responded to Ranma's presence by calling out to her "What are you doing Ranchan? Class is going to start!" Ranma briefly look at Ukyo before walking past her, shrugging. "Hell, it don't matter, Ucchan. Not like anyone within 10 miles of here doesn't already know who I am or what I look like when you add water. Hell, most of ‘em think I'm a weirdo without changing my form. I just..." she let out a huge sigh of air and muttered, "I don't care anymore," before entering the building. Ranma entered the classroom, gaining the side-eyed attention of the class. Ranma sat down, opened her notebook and, overall, failed at being nonchalant while avoiding the glances of her classmates. A loud, child-like voice came front the front of the classroom. "What exactly are you playing at Saotome? You're well aware I don't appreciate shenanigans in my class." "I'm not playing at anything, Ms. Hinako. I'm just trying to get by. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not making trouble. If you gotta use your Happo Go-En Satsu on me, go ahead. But I'm tryin' not to fail English more than I already am." "I don't appreciate your tone, Saotome! But, fine, whatever, what do I care anyway?" Hinako threw up her hands and walked to the desk, picking up a and tapping sheaf of papers on her podium. "Okay class, today we're going to cover imperative sentences today..." Ukyou remarked that Ranma seemed reasonably attentive, not taking notes, but also not snoring. It was an encouraging, if out of character, sign. Additionally, it looked like, after some initial side-eyes from the class, especially the other girls, everyone seemed to either not care or were too focused on grammar to pay Ranma any mind. She had been waiting. For what, she couldn't say. Something, anything to happen. But nothing did. It was just a normal class. Ukyou, rather than feeling relieved, felt dread. Ukyou was the sort of person who always expected the other shoe to drop. It may take a decade, but she knew first hand, that decisions had consequences and there was always a reckoning to be had. What it would be, was anyone's guess. Tuesday 11:38 PM The Nekohanten had closed about half an hour earlier. Having wiped down tables and upturned chairs in the dining area, Shampoo and Mousse set themselves busy cleaning the back kitchen before going to bed. It had been a good night and, even if they would have to scramble to finish their homework afterwards, they were pulling in the most covers since they opened nearly two years ago. Cologne had gone upstairs to meditate when the restaurant closed the hour before, thanking them for their work before turning in, which amplified the sense of accomplishment, for Mousse, anyways. Shampoo had been quiet all night. Mousse had noticed she had been withdrawn since the incident with Ranma the week before. Granted, Mousse knew that, outside the view of her 'Airen', Shampoo was not a particularly extroverted figure. She had been raised among warriors and, among that sisterhood she bloomed with warmth and happiness. Away from that close kinship, she was aloof and purposely distanced herself from others. Mousse missed seeing that genuine Shampoo since arriving in this country. Her ministrations over Ranma, whatever her desires, felt hollow in comparison. Even her pranks and beatings seemed warm compared to the woman in front of him now. Even so, this recent quietude was extreme for the lone Amazon Warrior. In the midst of putting away the last set of sanitized bowls, Mousse nervously asked, "Shampoo. Um, I know this is sudden and I'm probably wasting my time, but... did you want to do something for Golden Week? Just a movie or something?" "Mousse, you didn't really think I would say yes, did you?" she replied in Mandarin, dripping with sarcasm. "I know, but I had to try. Peace of mind," Mousse replied, holding back a sigh as he placed another tray into the sanitizer. Closing the steam-filled machine's doors, he pressed a button and wiped his forehead. Taking his fogged up glasses and wiping them with the sleeve of his robe, Mousse added, "You should probably speak in Japanese more. It's why it hasn't improved as much as it should have." Shampoo spat out, "I don't want to always speak in that crude tongue. Why don't you ever speak our language? Are you ashamed of being an Amazon now?" Mousse shook his head slowly, "Shampoo, you know very well that's not true. I'm doing what I can to fit in. I would think you'd understand after all this time." Shampoo ignored Mousse as she scrubbed a wok, ranting to the running water in front of her, "Why bother? Once I get my true love Ranma, I'll be back to the Amazon Village and I won't have to worry about Japanese or Literature or History or any of these other useless classes. What's the point of all this Mousse?" "You think if you somehow manage to convince the Slayer of Saffron to return with us, he will no longer speak his native tongue?" "Ranma is strong, but he is just a man. Despite what he says about honor, he falls prey to the petty cutesy affectations that the men here seem to gush over in their pathetic bravado. He will bend sooner or later." Mousse thought to himself, "You can’t be that blind, Shampoo. If, after everything, you still want to think Ranma is just a man, then you are more of a fool than I ever suspected. Why are you lying to yourself?" he replied to Shampoo, "You know as well as I do that Ranma is powerful, but wild. There is a reason he could learn the Hiryu Shouten Ha, even when his strength was all but extinguished. It’s the reason he favors it in combat, endlessly twisting it to his desires. Shampoo, can you see yourself taming him?" Shampoo again looked at the long-haired boy in disgust, "Are you so foolish that you have forgotten the ways we women have to tame you men? We have magic, our strength, and our wiles." Mousse shook his head, "Cologne has said time and again she would not risk forcing his hand. The consequences would be dire." Shampoo froze at that. She steadied herself, "...You're right Mousse. I was frustrated. I shouldn't have been acting so tempermental, especially in front of a man. I'm tired, Mousse. I miss the forest and the mountains. I miss hunting game and the celebratory fires. This country doesn't suit me. There is nothing for me here, except Ranma." Mousse took a tray from the sanitizer and began putting dishes away. "We may not like it, but there are things the outside world can teach us. I'm finding new things that will be of use when we return. I'm growing as a person. You can too, Shampoo. Don't let the law and your pride blind you to finding something worthwhile. I know you have to capacity to take advantage of this time beyond what the Law tells you." Shampoo put away the cleaned woks on a rack, and replied, once more in a condescending tone, "You are really stupid, you know that? It's not surprise really. What was I expecting from a you, but weakness?" Shampoo nodded in agreement with that statement and walked past Mousse, feeling righteous in her strength against her inferior. Mousse merely sighed at that display. He wanted to say something, tell her off, and get angry but, ultimately, just took a few deep breaths as he fished the last tray from it warm confines and finished cleaning the kitchen. Mousse knew Shampoo was right, in a sense. He hated that she was miserable and that he seemed to have no sway in cheering her up. Turning off the dishwasher and sanitizer, he wiped down the counters one last time, turned off the lights and wandered back upstairs to his small room, letting a small sigh escape his breath as he trudged upstairs. In her modest bedroom, Shampoo looked out the south-facing window. She was lucky that the second largest bedroom afforded a view of the suburban skyline. However her usual gratitude was dashed by her frustration that the stars never seemed bright enough anymore. She scowled again to herself, her homesickness smashing into her heart like a ball-peen hammer. Away from the sight of lesser males and other warriors, she allowed herself to cry over her loneliness. After letting out a silent torrent of tears, she let out a croaking laugh, noting that the one thing she was jealous of Japanese females was that they could feel openly and honestly emotions that were shameful to her people. She truly hated this country. She heard shuffling on the other side of the thinly insulated building. "Stupid Mousse," she thought to herself, idly wondering if the blind boy could even see in the windowless box of a storage closet called a bedroom. After a moment she heard some shifting and then a high pitched note. A few bars later and Shampoo recognized it as Mousse's erhu. The boy was playing Guan Min, the Ballad of Blue Flowers. Mousse never shared this talent with anyone and Shampoo had only learned of it during late nights where he would play it alone in his dark, windowless room. Though it was the song of the foolish Han and not of her people, Mousse played it exceptionally well and it began to draw upon her feelings of homesickness and, after he finished all of the movements, she somehow felt better, sleep beginning to overtake her as she lay down. She briefly spotted the full moon, now shining brightly at the apex of its rise, as she fell asleep. Wednesday 6:29 AM Light was just beginning to pour in, through the bottom of the window, throughout the small room where the two men living at Ukyou's, Ryouga Hibiki and Konatsu, slept. Ryoga was splayed on his futon in a yellow t-shirt and loose drawstring pants, whereas Konatsu as curled up on his side, the top of his pink pajamas visible over his covers. At 6:30, a digital alarm clock on a table next to Ryouga's futon started going off, it's shrill beeping echoing throughout the room. Konatsu began to stir. "Mmm R-ryouga? Turn it off..." Konatsu said in a soft whisper, still more asleep than awake. Ryouga turned his head toward Konatsu and whispered, "W-What's that's Akari? Katsunishiki has to go walkies?" "Ugh!" Konatsu yelled in frustration as he sat up and scratched his head, yawning. He stood and, quietly stepped over the other boy to press the alarm's snooze button. He stretched as he walked outside. A few minutes later, he returned, face washed, and stood in front of the mirror that was placed on the back of the door out. He let down his long brown hair and started brushing until it practically shimmered. He then rummaged through his dresser until he found his usual kimono and tabi. He put on the clothes, easily wrapping the obi around his waist. Finally, he put on his favorite hair ornament, a small cherry blossom, Konatsu took one look at himself in the mirror, he smiled. It wasn't ‘manly', what ever the hell that meant, but Konatsu liked his appearance regardless. He hoped Ukyou liked it,but was happy enough if it attracted customers for the restaurant. He sighed. He wished he knew why the woman he was in love with was so fixated on masculinity, especially given the man she had been pursuing until a year ago had a woman's body half the time. He noted recently that Ukyou had been leaving for school with a thermos in her pack. After checking his outfit, the snooze alarm rang again. In a flat, but high pitched voice, Konatsu said, "Hey Ryouga. Get up. I'm going to make breakfast for you and Ukyou-sama. " Ryouga sat up, scratching his head. He groaned, "Konatsu?" Konatsu smiled and replied with a twinge of playfulness in his voice, "The one and only, Master Hibiki," he grabbed his forehead as his expression became serious, "Can you get that alarm? The sound is so grating this early." Ryouga nodded, stood and turned the alarm off. He rubbed his head, still groggy. "Man I had the weirdest dream. I was at the farm and..." "Let me guess, you took Katsunishiki for a walk?" Konatsu interjected, folding up his futon. "How did you know?" Konatsu shrugged as he placed the bedding in the cabinet, "Oh, ancient ninja secret, I suppose." "Yeah, well I ran into this girl..." "Akari?" Ryouga shook his head as he folded up his futon, "No. I'd never seen her before. She was short, but carried herself well. She started walking ahead of me, like she was leading me somewhere. I woke up before I knew where I was." Konatsu smiled once more, "I see. Aren't we a cassanova? Take it from me, since I live somewhere in-between, but girls don't like men who dream of strange women taking them places." The feminine boy gave Ryouga a warm smile and a suggestive wink and gracefully exited the room. Ryouga rubbed the back of his head dumbly as he watched the beautiful boy walk out. Thursday 8:30 PM [Kasumi sets up with Tofu, perhaps tie into her relationship with him] [Talks to Ranma. Ranma agrees to meet, though somewhat nervous/ashamed] Kasumi was thankful that she had recently purchased a cordless phone as she paced inside her bedroom. She sat at her desk, a small spiral notebook open, she chewed on the back on the pen she held in her right hand as she cradled the phone against her head with her left. "So you'll arrive on Tuesday Night?" The slightly fuzzy voice replied, "Yes. I unfortunately can't get out of the hospital until Greenery Day. Ibusuki is small enough that we had to pull in staff from Kagoshima City to cover us from the 29th, till the 5th. Thankfully I had some vacation time built in, so I can be fully away and not just backup on-call." "I'm not sure what I can do other than talk to Ranma, maybe read his chi, and, if necessary, help find a therapist to keep the conversation going." "Also.... I... this is more personal, but.... I... I'll be h-h-happy to.... ACK! Um, H-h-happy to see y—you, K-k-k-k-k-k-kkasumi! One sec!" "Hold on, Hold On. Find your center." "Ranma. Ono we'll be here next week. I thought, if there was anyone I knew you could trust, it would be him. I know you've been having a hard time and I also know you aren't fully comfortable talking to others about what's bothering you." Ranma nodded, "Sure Kasumi. I'm... I'm sorry for makin' you go through this kinda work. I know that Pops and I are a big drain on the house." "Don't you dare say that. Whatever happens, you're family." Friday 4:01 PM [Ryouga, Ranma, and Mousse] [Shampoo, Akane, and Ukyou] [The six have a almost normal conversation. Able to put aside their fears, anger, hatred aside and be teenagers. For the first time in a while, Ranma actually feels happy, as though his plan has worked. He has stemmed back the tide, after all. This peace is broken when Genma crashes the scene, with the lead on the macguffin] "Man, did you guys get a load of Prinicpal Kuno's face?" Ranma said as he entered the "What, before or after we started using him as an impromptu tetherball." "Yes Duck-boy, Shampoo impressed with your magnet gun. We're all impressed," Shampoo said sarcastically. "Jeez. You'd think after the beating Acchan and Ranchan gave him this morning he'd quit it." "No kidding... Hey Ukyou, is Konatsu gonna be okay by himself?" "It's always slow until about 6 or so, Ryo-chan" "Man, I'm starvin'. I think we got somethin to eat with tea in the fridge. Lemme get ‘em. Mind if I go ahead ‘Kane?" "Yes, Ranma, but don't eat em all before you get here." "Ha ha, tomboy. Yo Ryouga, come on, I could use an extra pair of hands." "What about me?" "He needs hands attached to someone with better than 20/200 vision, Mousse." "...fine. I'm just gonna sit here next to Shampoo." "Mousse such stupid duck-boy, Shampoo should... Oh, nevermind. Have fun, idiot." Kasumi had been upstairs reviewing for her evening class, but the sounds from downstairs didn't escape her attention. Specifically the rather abated sounds from downstairs. Especially considering Ranma, Akane, and four of the most destructive people in a 100 mile radius were calmly talking, joking around, and acting like... teenagers. She was mostly happy, though a touch jealous. She decided to stay upstairs and wait to clean up whatever inevitable mess occurred. While her prescience was warranted, she was somewhat surprised by its source. " "Ranma! I did it! I found a possible cure! A real cure!" [Genma showing Ranma a scroll for Orb of Transmutation (Some Hanzi that doesn't display correctly)] Ranma looked askance as he opened the lightly molded handscroll, asking "Where'dya find this? A pawn shop? Or were you robbin' graves again?" Genma, with a hurt expression replied, "Nonsense m'boy! I'll have you know some of the finest Saotome-Ryuu Techniques came from the the tombs of the most ancient and powerful warriors this country has ever known." "So grave robbing, then..." Akane said, flatly as she rolled her eyes. "Ranma, you can't leave now! Ono is going through so much effort to see you. " "K-kasumi I..." the boy looked at his father, seeing the expectant, demanding glare from him. "I'm sorry. I think... I think I need to pack." Kasumi looked on as Ranma and Genma quietly put together travel packs. Ranma couldn't dare look at Kasumi, her look of disappointment had disarmed him so. Finally, the two martial artists shuffled off into the night, the unseasonably chilly air accompanying them. ----------------------- Edited by uragaaru, Sep 12 2012, 11:48 PM.
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| Tai Khan | Sep 13 2012, 05:57 AM Post #2 |
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Advanced Member
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I went back and read the four previous chapters (left comments on the other site) and...after reading this...I'm just utterly confused. There's too much going on with the other characters, and they've all been changed so much (which in a way is justifiable given the supposed passage of time), that aside from Ranma's apparent "developing" confusion over his/her gender (if that's actually what's happening, as it is far from clear)...there's nothing to justify Ranma's depression over the supposedly 'unchanging' situation, because it HAS changed and radically so. It's just that EVERYONE is 'pretending' (for no apparent reason), including Ranma, that nothing's changed and Ranma's the only one (pretending) who can't see it. And what happened to that "important" topic that Nodoka wanted to discuss with Ranma in chapter four? And now, just before Tofu can arrive and, hopefully, begin finding out what's been going on and begin making sense of everything...Ranma once again is running off after a supposed cure (that it's been implied he may no longer want). I'm sorry, but this story is just being too obtuse, or subtle, to hold my interest. There's not enough actual information to determine what's going on and the characters have been altered too much to justify the supposed causes of Ranma's problems. And too much effort is being placed into stalling the events or the arrival characters that can shed some light on what's going. I've never been one to care for those stories that don't reveal anything of what's actually occurring (i.e. keeping the reader in the dark) until the final chapter, where all is made clear, just prior to or at the very end. (They are, more often than not, greatly disappointing.) |
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| uragaaru | Sep 13 2012, 11:01 AM Post #3 |
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Dead Ukyo Fangirl
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Yeah, this has been my biggest fear as far as the progression in this story goes. I've been wanting to give it a slow burn, with these first set of chapters(1-5) setting up the characters who are going to be doing the heaviest plot work (Ranma, Akane). Since the story is more character drama than anything else, I was risking a less clear plot in order to give time to the relationships between people. But yeah, there is a fine line between gradual buildup and not making stakes immediately clear to the reader, even if they aren't clear to the characters, and I'm probably in the latter situation. Not sure what I can do for now other than finish up this chapter which finally sets the ball rolling and then came back to take out some scenes. Edited by uragaaru, Sep 13 2012, 11:05 AM.
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| Tai Khan | Sep 13 2012, 12:13 PM Post #4 |
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Advanced Member
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It's hard to offer any suggestions without knowing what you are intending to convey. If Ranma's "depression" is supposed to be based on the unchanging situation he's in...then you should not change the situation (from Ranma's point of view, at least) from the outset of the story, but gradually work in the changes you wish to have (whether these improve Ranma's outlook or make them worse would be up to you). In other words, Ryoga and Mousse are stil clearly Ranma's rivals, not buddies and occasional sparring partners or putting on shows of how it was in the "old days" but not actually intending to remove Ranma as an obstacle to their love interests; Ukyo and Shampoo are still clearly pursuing Ranma as a husband, not all but conceding the competition for Ranma to Akane in Ukyo's case. I, personally, don't care for the way you intend to portray Shampoo (far too shallow in my opinion), but that's all it is, personal opinion, and it's certainly feasible. If Ranma's supposed to be having some kind of sexual "identity" crisis...then there should be something identifiable causing it (i.e. finding herself admiring a guy and wondering what kind of father he would be; suddenly finding himself admiring a dress and wondering how it would look if she were wearing it; suddenly finding himself enjoying something that is considered to be of more interest to "girls", etc.). I'd offer comments on Akane, but she is not one of my favored characters and considered, in my opinion, to be Ranma's largest problem (especially in dealing with his Jusenkyo curse) as he often goes out of his way to appease her...but her own wants, desires, and behavior are frequently contradictory, even to her. (Some have theorized that Akane suffers from a bipolar disorder, and it would go a long way to explaining her often contradictory behavior from scene to scene.) Oh, the scene with the Kuno siblings may need some work, as it was a little confusing at first. Kodachi identifying a female Ranma by name threw me off, causing me to think that Kodachi might have known about Ranma's curse by this time; but then suggesting that the little boy was Ranma-chan's child by "my Ranma-sama", with Mousse sitting right there holding the little boy, threw me into utter confusion. I don't believe that Kodachi, or Tatewaki for that matter, ever called Ranma-chan by her name in the canon refusing to acknowledge that she had any connection with the male they know as Ranma Saoome. Kodachi even became angered during the gymnastics match when it was announced that the redhead was going by the name of "Ranma Saotome", considering it an affront that her opponent had the same name as "love". So, I'd find it unlikely that she was ever address Ranma-chan by her given name and not something insulting. If I can be of further help, don't hesitate to drop me an e-mail. |
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2:53 PM Jul 11