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The Bad Cut; I live. Again.
Topic Started: Aug 1 2012, 03:53 PM (24,792 Views)
frice2000
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TerraBull
Aug 19 2012, 03:06 PM
What qualifies as a Dragon's Whisker?

Herb's Hair?
Ya say off topic but you know that would actually be pretty interesting if Herb's hair would work as a partial fix...But I don't think Ozz is thinking of fixing it for probably the length of the story so wouldn't matter and Herb is pretty damn far away indeed. Herb having bald men seek him and the Musk out for hair growth cures really does make me laugh though. Revealed! How the Musk make money! They are behind mystical hair growth cures...and you didn't even know it!

And yes, I know the whisker is supposed to be from a full Oriental dragon. But you can subvert canon on something that small with little complaint I'd think.
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zane
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That could make it funnier. If by whiskers you mean facial hair and how some places that was a sign of manhood. Herb getting shaved for his whiskers could be all sorts of hilarity.
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wolfhunter
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Anyway, I think it has to be from a dragon, not a descendant of one.
Edited by wolfhunter, Aug 20 2012, 12:56 PM.
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frice2000
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zane
Aug 20 2012, 02:39 AM
If by whiskers you mean facial hair...
Hrm...Perhaps that could be a reason why Herb's curse and possible locking is so dire? Breaks the ability for him to have whiskers and as such provide for his people with a very strong commodity...Yeah there's a story there :snigger: hehe.
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violetshadows
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The chinesse while nice in terms of setting fluff, is hard on the dialogue, it either needs brackets afterwards or more context clues; I would not recommend using it frequently.
Edited by violetshadows, Aug 21 2012, 12:02 AM.
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Ozzallos
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violetshadows
Aug 21 2012, 12:02 AM
The chinesse while nice in terms of setting fluff, is hard on the dialogue, it either needs brackets afterwards or more context clues; I would not recommend using it frequently.
We'll get back to the pidigin Japanese/English that everybody is used to soon enough. Her first arrival in canon actually had the chinese lettering and I don't know how that's going to turn out on ffnet, let alone everybody else's compy. "我听从女主人"

On that note...

---

“I said give it here, old man!”

Xian Pu jerked awake with the rancorous feminine screech and in the process strained muscles she had no right straining. Pain coiled through her body prompting an involuntary hiss as consciousness was forcefully inserted in place of an uneasy slumber. her brown eyes blinked open and a mixture of confusion and alarm overcame her with the unfamiliar setting she now found herself sitting upright within.

A room. Spartan. Two futons. Her attention glided from one detail to the next as she took in the features of the room she had woken up in. The only illumination was that from outside beyond the curtain, where it was most obviously daylight; morning unless she missed her guess. Something breakable crashed beyond the curtain, prompting enough interest in the lavender haired girl to try slide herself over to the window for a look. Even that was a painful endeavor for the Amazon as she pulled herself up to the wall and up just enough to edge the curtain aside.

That was all it took. Cold hard reality set in as she watched a redheaded girl hand spring out of a barrage of panda paws, landing lightly then ducking to evade another swipe before charging after the animal. Xian Pu let the curtain slide shut and slumped back down against the wall as her will to live quite literally faded in that moment. The redhead. Her panda. Xiam Pu clenched a fist with the recollection of yesterday's events. She had been beaten. Not just beaten, but rendered unconscious and left to the mercy of her enemy. The memory flashed through her mind’s eye-- the first recollection she had of waking up after the loss had quite literally been a reflection of her own face, red and bleeding. The mirror just happened to be the very steel of her sword imbedded only centimeters from her cheek.

In that moment she knew her fate was sealed.

The former Amazon warrior’s attention returned to the here and now with a resigned sigh, then set to the task of actually standing. That in and of itself was a painful ordeal, but she managed using the wall at her back as balance. She glanced at the crutch leaning against a nearby dresser but decided against its use. The healer the other japanese girl had taken her to had done a fair job at popping the joint back into place and she was an Amaz-- Xiam Pu’s thought process dulled with regret. No, she could no longer name herself as amongst their ranks. Still, the crutch was unnecessary. She would endure the pain. The pain let her know she was still alive. The pain reminded her of just how far she had fallen. The pain...

...She deserved the pain.

‘Failure,’ Xian Pu nodded with the thought. That was was the proper way of things now. She was less than an Amazon and less than even a male. She was a servant and it was time she stepped into the role of her new, pathetic existence. Shampoo hobbled to the door while pain accompanied her every step. Sliding the door open was a feat in and of itself, but the purple haired warrior managed and exited the guest room, stepping out of the hallway where the smell of freshly prepared food assaulted her senses. Her stomach produced and undignified rumble but she ignored it and took up a slow, deliberate pace out into the living room, where she caught sight of one of the family residence setting the table.

With little idea of where to begin in her new role, the girl wobbled into the living room where the table was already half set. Three of the seven places had food set and the person setting the table could be heard, humming in the kitchen around the corner. Xian Pu crouched down and began to gather one of the settings for herself, three plates total balanced precariously up and down her left arm and in hand while the still sling born arm was only strong enough to carry the tea cup without stressing the limb. The pain was ever present, but she managed slowly. The outside door to the patio and courtyard beyond was already ajar, allowing her to nudge it open carfully to exit the house where she was greeted to the sight of open combat between the Panda and her redheaded mistress.

‘Ranma,’ She categorized the girl and felt a seething hatred well up from within her. Xian Pu indulged in it then let her flow away with a resigned sigh. Ranma had proven her better two times in a row. Ranma had spared her life in mortal combat. She was Ranma’s property now. That was the way of things. Her eyes returned to the action just as the her mistress dodged a stubby Panda kick, then was nearly blindsided by its claw. The girl’s arm flashed up and she took the swipe squarely on the shoulder. While the redhead’s general features were the same, her hair had undergone yet another transformation, from the long tangles of last night to a poliite, almost pixie like crop that bounced with her movements.

“Oh my, shouldn’t you be in bed?” The voice came from behind, but Shampoo ignored the melodic Japanese.

The voice however did catch the redhead’s attention, who spared a quick look in her direction which turned into a stare as she noted the former Amazon’s unexpected presence. It was also more than long enough for the panda to exploit the opening. It drove a bear fist into the girl’s stomach, causing her eyes to buldge a she was manhandled skyward and thrown directly into the koi pond. She impacted with a violent splash and the Panda dusted its paws together as if its job were well done. Its opponent surfaced from the forthering water, sputtering indignantly as the animal sauntered off the field of battle, up to the porch then paused, noting the purple haired girl’s presence for the first time. She sared up at it as it stared down until it simply shrugged and continued on to the door behind her.

The lull in action finally allowed Xian Pun her first oppertunity to... serve her new mistress. The very idea mad her want to cringe, but she supressed it and hobbled out to the redhead who had waded back ashore to wring out her clothing. She was also keeping a healthy eye on her wobbling supposed ex-assassin as she closed, then stopped by the very rocks Ranma now sat on. With considerable effort, the puprle haired girl set down the tea cup, a plate of rice, a shallow bowl of misu and another with cold green brown noodles.

“Wǒ suǒ fúwů de qíngfů.”

Ranma looked from the noodles to the girl and back several times, trying to connect the dots. Given the girl’s behavor yesterday, it wasn’t hard and she waved the girl off with a neverous smile. “Ya don’t have to. Go on back ta China. You’re free! Really! Ah, free...? Zěyóu?”

While half of what the girl was saying was intelligable, the mandarin came across clearly and Shampoo shook her head, struggling for the japanese words herself. After a moment, she shook her head and pointed at the martial artist. “You. Mistress.”

“I ain’t no mistress,” Ranma scrunched her brow in overt frustration, then looked over the girl’s shoulder as if something had distracted her. Rnama glanced back, fullintent on solving ending the encounter quickly. “Look, um... you eat this. And ah, do whatever. Me and my old man are gonna have a talk.”

With that the pixie cut redhead hopped up and hurried off around her, prompting Shampoo to watch curiously, then turn back to contemplate the dishes she had set out on the rocks. The ex-Amazon shurgged and took up the pair of shopsticks balanced on the plate.

She had been ordered to eat it, after all.
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TerraBull
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I am curious how things will turn out now that someone's Pride has taken a beating.

As well as the results once Cologne comes, if she does.

Will a letter be sent or will Xian Pu just 'Vanish'?

Continue when you can
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Ozzallos
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Old ghouls will arrive.
Mothers will arrive.
Friends from the past will arrive.

And absolutely none of it will stay on the rails ^.^
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frice2000
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Lots of spelling errors throughout this, and I'm used to giving quote by quote highlights of them on another forum I just quit but I know you don't want that so moving on to comments about content...

This was nice insight into Shampoo. Seems like the the concept of putting her in this servile role could really go interesting places, but something just seems off in regards to her pride. Yes, I understand that how she lost in this exchange was far worse then how she lost to Ranma both times in canon with sparing her life in this story and Ranma really left no doubt how far outclassed she was. But it just seems so weird to me that her pride is this stifled. We get little bits and pieces showcasing how she is bitter but it seems too easy for her to accept things this way. This should just have a larger emotional impact on her. I know this isn't a Shampoo-centric story, but you did just write up an even that could easily move the focus to her. So yeah wonderful job on what is going to be a very interesting side plot but again she just doesn't seem effected enough. Maybe her being far more bitter, or perhaps silent and haunted with the others would give things a better feel? Rather then her eating for example at the end here perhaps her starving herself for a bit or other destructive behavior to escape a fate she so hates would be a quality add? The lack of such behavior in some fashion after her basically stating that her life was over and she was now the lowest of the low seems odd. Unless she knows that there is a way of regaining some status she should maybe be even more depressed if this is her fate for the rest of her life right? And if she is focused on moving on and accepting her rather dire situation trying desperately to find positives about her new situation and 'mistress' to keep from breaking down would also seem to fit in. Also since we did just have her be quite introspective about her situation regarding status a mention of disappointing her family and what they would think of what she's been forced into would make sense. Nice place for you to possibly give some preview of what to expect from that angle. Another minor thing is the bringing her food bit just seems a bit...meh. She's a Amazon Warrior right? Rather then being in a servile feminine role perhaps have her strongly take the other facet of being a servant and have her think more along the lines of being a sworn bodyguard then a household servant? Her checking her mistresses food for example, watching out for threats to her, helping her with any martial issues? Wouldn't that be richer and more in character for this Shampoo then, 'well guess I'll bring her her meal and be a household slave?'

Also since you are having Ranma being this nicely introspective and a bit depressed so maybe having her see these qualities in Shampoo would be nice? Would also be nice if Ranma really gets the fact that Shampoo really hates her in terms of this story. How she would deal with that would be nice. Sucks for Shampoo too since really she can't leave.

Anyway, nice add. Thanks a lot for sharing. REALLY want to comment on each individual spelling error but I managed not to so yay me :P.
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Ozzallos
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If spelling errors are the only ones you find, you're not looking hard enough. :p Preview comes with a price. That price means your eyeballs bleeding out on my bad grammar, spelling and sentance structure before I even have a chance to care about it :D Just to give you insight to my MO, technical work is usually the very very last thing I fix.

Again, a complete waste of your time because I'm not going to go through find/replace/copy/paste everything from a post into my master document. It's an even bigger time waster than doing it myself.

...And you're asking too much for a single scene of 1kw, if that. We'll get to depression, bitterness, thoughts of poisoning Ranma's food at night, strangling her in her sleep maybe. My chapters are generally no less than 10kw, the last chapter 15kw if I recall. There's a good chance I'll get to it.
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frice2000
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Oh I saw more then that, I just said spelling because it is what irks me the most hehe.

Anyway, know I'm asking a lot for that set of words. Didn't just mean her character for that one scene of course. To be more specific for that one scene thinking about her great-grandmother and what she would say, as well as maybe a little bit of what was said to her before she left would be good insight.
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Ozzallos
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Nothing wrong with thinking of her family. I'm looking at the section and it would feel like wedging too much into it at the moment... She literally just woke up and has got a lot to take in. We'll get to it soon, promise.
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axelrajr
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Congrats, its not often you see a genuinely new idea come up. I don't think I have seen anything quite like this one.

Its a good fragment too. Well executed.

I wonder how long before someone shows up looking for shampoo. Whether its merely Mousse, or if more 'capable' persons show up.
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Ozzallos
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Having started breakfast without the martial artist and minus one place setting, the rest of the family could only stare as he watched Genma Saotome dangle what looked to be some sort of ramen noodle before his face; head tilted as if trying to decide what to do with it.

“Um, Genma-kun?” Soun asked timidly as he watched his old friend contemplate the noodle in question/ His question did little to jar the bald martial artist from his study of the noodle, prompting the Tendo patriarch to try again. “Is that noodle...”

“...Salvation, Soun old buddy.” Genma advised in a completely serious tone that directly conflicted with his humours wiggling of the noodle. With that, one grown man and three teenage girls watched as Genma Saotome lifted a portion of his bandanna and applied the noodle to his head.

“I swear breakfast gets more and more entertaining each and every day the Saotomes are here,” Nabiki deadpanned as she watched him continue to apply the ramen noodle to various parts of his cranium.

“Would you like another noodle, Mister Saotome?” Kasumi offered helpfully, picking one out of her own soba bowl and preferring it to him at the tip of her chopsticks. It was apparently enough of a reminder as to how foolish he looked and Genma pulled his own noodle away, offering a polite smile to the eldest daughter.

“Ah, no thank you, Kasumi-chan,” He shook his head, then returned his attention back to the noodle where the serious mask of concentration resumed.

“Dammit, old ma--!”

“Ranma!” Genma’s dire gaze swung upon the girl who had just stomped across the threshold of the living room, interrupting her as he held the noodle out before her. “How does it work, Boy?”

“I just knew you were gonna keep it for yourself!” She accused direly, though the potent glare she held for her father was lessened by the short crop of cute hair that had been inflicted upon her the night before. She crossed her arms, doing her level best to reinforce the emotion. “And why the hell should I tell you?! I need it way more!”

“Son, you have no idea of the pain and horror that come with baldness,” Genma sternly explained to his son turned daughter. “Besides, I was able to obtain two whiskers. Show me how it works and I’ll let you have the other.”

The redhead looked far from convinced and favored her father with a half lidded gaze. “Yeah, and just where’d ya get em?”

“One of my contacts, of course,” Genma stated imperviously, twirling the noodle as if it were now some toy. “He talked to somebody who talked to somebody who knew of a supplier.”

“Right,” Ranma rolled her eyes. “And since you ain’t got no money, I’m thinkin’ somebody and somebody is missin’ a noodle right now... Oh, wait. Two noodles.”

“Nonsense,” The elder martial artist turned away from his psuedo daughter’s sarcasm as if the accusation was beneath him. “Our transaction was completely above the board.”

“Surrre it was,” The girl drawled, clearly disbelieving his testimony and held out a waiting hand. “Tell you what, you hand over that second noodle and I’ll see what I can do for ya.”

Genma turned back to the neo girl with a narrowed eyes and the pair stared one another down until Nabiki interjected, raising her hand as if in class.

“Um, hello?” She waved even though neither girl nor father figure took their eyes off one another. “What’s so special about a ramen noodle again?”

“Fine, here.” Genma sniffed, flicking the noodle in hand at Ranma who caught it between fingers. The girl’s eyes widened as she stared at it then raced past the table, it’s occupants and Genma himself, who in turn began sputtering after her. “Get back here! Tell me how it works, ungrateful boy!”

The girl disappeared around the corner in a blur and water ran. A male yell was heard moments later. “YES!”

It was followed within seconds by a cry of despair and a string of curses in a female voice. Stomping footsteps foretold the the family of Ranma’s arrival and she rounded the corner back into the living room with darkened wet clothing and a sour disposition. The red hair that now fell to below the redhead’s shoulders now held everybody's attention and the girl flicked the wet noodle back at her father where it slapped against his face.

“Hope you didn’t pay too much for that, old man,” Ranma shook her head as she walked past to her place at the table, only to realize it was the only one barren of any food stuffs. “Where’s the--” Ranma’s speech stalled and she turned out to the window to see Shampoo eating by the courtyard exactly as she had been ordered to. The redhead’s mouth snapped shut and she sighed with tested patience. “Right.”

“It was very kind of you to share your breakfast,” Kasumi smiled kindly, prompting Ranma to fix her own weak smile. The eldest tendo put her finger to her chin in thought, as if remembering something. “I believe Tofu-san sent word that Shampoo should stop by for a follow up visit.”

Ranma noted Kasumi was still looking at her and the implication was crystal clear: She was the one expected to escort her Amazon pain in the neck to the doctors office. She glanced over to her father, who was in turn mumbling something about the noodle he continued to pull and stretch, as if the activity would somehow imbue what was obviously a plain ramen noodle with magic.

‘Fat Panda or Crazy Amazon, tough choice,’ The Saotome thought dryly. Just them Kasumi made it even toughter.

“Oh, and can you return the medical books I borrowed as well, Akane-chan?”

Akane Tendo’s head snapped from her alternating view of her wouldbe fiancees longer hair and the noodle fixated father to her own sister with wide eyes. “What?! Why am I being punished?!”

“And since when is taking books back to Doctor Tofu punishment, Akane-chan?” Nabiki’s head lolled to track her sisters indignant expression with a bemused smile. Her younger sister realized the gaff abruptly and her demeanor collapsed into embarrassment as she sought to avoid I contact.

“That is.. ah, I meant...” Akane floundered while Ranma simply watched, slightly amused herself.

“Thank you, Akane-chan,” Kasumi favored her sister with a gentle smile as if she hadn’t even noticed the her initial bluster or subsequent embarrassment. Ranma’s own humor over the matter abruptly turned to ash as the sister took notice of her own red hair. The martial artist could almost swear there was an otherwordly gleem in her eyes. “And when you get back, we can style your hair again since it seems to have grown again.”

Ranma’s mouth opened to protest then closed as the eldest sibling smiled upon him with all the innocence in the world. The redhead’s mouth cheek twitched as she force a smile of her own. “Sure. Why not?”
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frice2000
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And after another hundred hair growth incidents Ranma gives up on martial arts as she's discovered her love of hair styling and cutting...

Anyway, nice add. But the Genma and the fake whisker scene does seem a bit pointless unless whoever he got them from are planned to be a big problem later. Also after this scene would hope that Ranma starts looking more for her own solution then just relying on Genma since that doesn't seem to be going very well and Genma just showed his greed and likeness to withhold said whisker if he didn't get two. Though Genma in this story actually seeing how Ranma's pretty much perpetually in girl form and what that means for any possible marriage, Nodoka when she finds them, and his other plans, would think he might just give Ranma the whisker and make a sacrifice to restore his sons masculinity.
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