| Welcome to ER Headquarters! We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| All I Ever Needed; Some carby angst (PG) | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 13 2004, 09:09 AM (2,122 Views) | |
| lemonjelly | Nov 13 2004, 09:09 AM Post #1 |
|
Nurse (-100 Posts)
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Hello - this is my first time posting a fanfic on here so if i don't get everything right please bear with me and, if possible, give me some pointers - i have a tendency to be partially computer illiterate which certainly does not help things. This is set as Carter comes back from the Congo at the end of Season 9 - Luka came back with him this time. So I guess it's AU then. Review if you like and if that is possible on here...hmmm. Enjoy! Love LJ xXx All I Ever Needed Chapter One. What I Left Behind. Carter tried to keep the smile on his face as he sat on the side of her bed, but the smile began to fade and grow stale when she didn’t return it and reached for her cigarettes instead. He watched her all the time while she slid one out of its packet, put it in her mouth and lit it. Then she faced him, smoke trailing from her down-turned lips with a hardened look of defiance, as though daring him to object. He didn’t. She half-wished he would, though; the small talk was beginning to wear down. It felt forced and painful, talking so casually when she knew she had planned whole different arguments, scenarios and sharp, bitter comments to throw at him when he came back. She couldn’t do it, though. The Carter she had expected to saunter through the door hadn’t come. Maybe he didn’t exist. Because here was one she couldn’t hate, though she knew she had to. “Can I have my key back, please?” she asked casually, yet she couldn’t meet his eyes to see his reaction. He took it out and hung it from his fingers to show her, though he couldn’t bring himself to speak. It was impossible to even try to put into words how he felt. He dropped the key on her dresser. Then he turned to walk out. “Abby - ?” he began, wondering where to go from there. She didn’t reply – there wasn’t much to say to that. He turned back and looked at her, digging his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Is this - ?” he didn’t want to say ‘over’. It was too heavy a word – it ended everything. “I mean, what do you want me to do so we’ll be okay again?” “You want me to tell you what I want you to do?” she repeated, incredulously. “Well not exactly. Just – sort of – say what you want to hear and I’ll say it.” He shrugged. “Christ, John. If I keep having to tell you how to fix our life then I might as well just date myself.” She replied, sighing. “I’m sorry.” He said, simply. Abby buried her head in the sheets for a while before looking up at him, exasperated. “Do you even know what for?” she asked him, eventually. He stood in thought for a moment and she sighed again. “No, I didn’t think you would.” “Well how am I meant to know if you won’t tell me?” he demanded, getting slightly annoyed. Maybe it was the jetlag. Maybe it was Abby’s cruel rejection. Maybe it was just him. “Do you want me to tell you everything?” “It would help.” “Come on, John. Can’t you figure anything out by yourself?” she got up out of bed, not wanting to argue looking up at him. She stood, wrapped in her duvet for warmth and she stared reproachfully at him. He looked back at her; the sight of her wrapped up in her duvet looked so cute he just wanted to laugh and kiss her – then she’d smile and everything would be okay. But it wouldn’t work. “Not about you. You keep everything so locked up – you don’t let me know anything.” “Is that what you think? That I don’t tell you anything? Then what is the point to all this if you don’t know me at all?” she asked. “We can work things out. Just tell me – what’s wrong?” his eyes stared, pleadingly. Abby wrapped herself tighter in the duvet and sat back down on the bed. “I don’t want to fight with you, John.” “Who’s fighting? I’m not fighting. What have I done wrong, Abby?” She looked around at him, shoulders slumped and tired eyes. “Perhaps you shouldn’t be asking me these questions.” She spoke calmly and quietly and it seemed to silence everything. “Well, then who should I ask, Abby?” he snapped. “Yourself,” she answered simply. Carter stared for a moment and looked away. Then he left. The door to her apartment didn’t exactly slam shut, but the sound seemed so much louder now. Before, every noise she made in her empty apartment was muffled by the constant anger and bitterness pounding in her ears, but now he had come back and gone again she realised that it was all just loneliness. She stubbed out the cigarette in a dusty ashtray – she never much liked smoking – it made her feel cheap. Then she lay back down in her bed and gazed at the ceiling with blank eyes. She didn’t sleep that night. * * * Somehow, Carter thought as he wandered around his own equally empty apartment, somehow he had failed to pick up on something along the way. He stood still, staring into thick darkness and he asked himself the questions. What did he do wrong? How could he let it fall apart like this? He didn’t need anybody to tell him how much he loved her; she had always been the person his mind remembered whenever he needed a little comfort or a little happiness in the bleak and desolate Congolese atmosphere. What he needed to do was to find out what went wrong. He had to retrace his footsteps, like when you lose something and go back to look for it. He had to go back to look for what he’d lost, what he’d let pass him by. He had to go back to Kisangani. |
![]() |
|
| JingMeiChen | Nov 13 2004, 12:46 PM Post #2 |
|
Nurse (-100 Posts)
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
This is really good. I think I might just like this more than the original story actually. |
|
"It's like when I see a bird, it's not me that's strange. It seems like rather, it's the bird that's strange. Why don't you sing? Where did you put your voice? Did you put it away before coming? However, it's only me." Hagio Sae, Orange Days | |
![]() |
|
| ERfool89 | Nov 13 2004, 03:15 PM Post #3 |
|
Resident (500+ posts)
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
I like it more soon please!!!!!!!!!!!! |
*~Grace~*
| |
![]() |
|
| briana | Nov 15 2004, 05:57 PM Post #4 |
|
Intern (250+ posts)
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
I really like this story, please say that ur going to write more on it!!! |
|
~Briana --->Carby...even if its only a dream, its not one im willing to give up just yet... "We only part to meet again..." - Luka Kovac Abby: D'you realize you've been in there for 20 minutes? Carter: You miss me, or am I wasting water? Abby: Both
| |
![]() |
|
| Luka's Divota | Nov 16 2004, 03:41 PM Post #5 |
|
Resident (500+ posts)
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
AWW...this is so good. I like it...more soon please
|
![]() |
|
| lemonjelly | Nov 17 2004, 12:51 PM Post #6 |
|
Nurse (-100 Posts)
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
thanks very much to JingMeiChen, ERfool89, briana and I_Love_Samka for the reviews - i realise that i didnt actually mention in the summary that it is a carby which might be a bit misleading - i didn't realise that there was so little space in the bit under the title. and im not entirely sure that this fic has much strong language actually. oh dear. hey does anybody know how i can edit that? anyway, thats a whole different point - just read and enjoy! Love LJ xXx [SIZE=5] All I Ever Needed. Chapter Two. What's Been On My Mind Susan stood and watched as Abby sewed up a long gash down the side of a patient’s head. She worked quickly and carefully, an expression of deep concentration on her face. “You’re pretty good at this,” Susan commented. Abby looked up, briefly and smiled. “Thanks.” She replied, turning back to her work. “I remember when I was a med student, all those years ago,” she grinned. “Man, you’re making me feel old.” Abby smiled again but said nothing. “Luka’s back, you know.” Susan continued. There was a short silence. “Is Carter?” Abby finished up and looked at Susan. “I don’t know.” She answered. Susan raised her eyebrows. “Didn’t he come back?” she asked, surprised. Abby took off her gloves and stuffed them into an already overflowing bin. “Oh, he came back. I just don’t know where he is.” She frowned slightly. “I kind of sent him away.” “Well, good for you. You need to find a guy who doesn’t keep doing a disappearing act.” Susan reassured her. Abby sighed and Susan looked at her, concerned. “What? You’re not regretting it, are you?” Abby looked straight at her and smiled a grim smile. Susan rolled her eyes. “Abby, you’re not going to do one of those ‘I blame myself’ things, are you?” she asked, suspiciously. “Well I sent him away again, for no real reason. And now I don’t know where he is.” Abby shrugged her shoulders. Susan studied her expression, a mix of worry and regret. “You’re better off without him.” She said, firmly. “And he’ll come back, anyway. Probably just hiding out for a while – you know you’re pretty scary when you’re mad.” “Thanks.” Abby muttered. Susan laughed at her dark expression. “Oh come on, Abby. Smile. He’ll come back.” * * * But he didn’t. And, for days, Abby worried – though she didn’t want to. Why did he always make her worry? Why did she have to constantly care about him? It made life so much more difficult and though she didn’t want to appear to care, she couldn’t help but wonder where he was and if he was okay. She sat in the Doctor’s Lounge at the table. Medical textbooks were piled up, surrounding her like some sort of fort. “Hey! You building something there?” Luka greeted, coming through the door. He half-laughed when he saw her face peering above the walls of books, checking to see who it was. She glared and stuck out her tongue at him. “I should’ve known it was you. This is not a laughing matter. It’s a very serious amount of work.” She told him, sternly. Luka poured himself a mug of coffee and leant against the worktop, watching her over the rim of his mug. “It does look pretty heavy-duty. You have my sympathy.” He smiled and held up his coffee. “Want one?” Her face appeared again with a grateful expression. “That’d be great, thanks – it’s kinda hard to climb out of this prison of books I seem to have built for myself.” He grabbed another mug and poured her one, turning back around to find her still craning her neck over the top and watching him. “What?” he asked, innocently. “I’m not going to spit in it or anything.” He handed her the mug. “You look like some kind of meerkat when you do that.” She took the coffee and struggled to stop a broad smile spreading across her face. “Well, if it’s a meerkat with a PhD, then why not?” She sipped the coffee and carried on writing notes and flicking through textbooks. She managed to work quietly for a few minutes before having to bring up an issue that had been occupying her brain for an overly long time. “Where’s Carter?” she asked. Luka looked up, surprised. “I thought that you, of all people, would know that.” He said, before seeing her slightly hurt expression. “Well, I don’t.” she replied, shortly. “Sorry.” Luka shrugged. “Me neither.” There was another silence. “Could you phone up somebody from your crazy French Alliance thing and ask them if he’s gone back?” she said, in a small voice. She tried to make it sound like a passing comment, but it was too pleading, too helpless – everything she didn’t want to be. “You think he would go back?” he asked. She leant her chin on the shortest pile of books and looked at him, exhausted and fed up. “I don’t know, Luka. I really don’t know.” She sighed. “But I’d be really grateful if you checked.” He nodded. “I’ll check.” * * * When Susan Lewis walked into the Doctor’s Lounge at the end of a long day, she found Abby standing on a chair and peering down the back of the lockers, swearing and muttering to herself. “Wow, you’ve been working way too hard.” Susan said with raised eyebrows. Abby turned and looked at her, hair falling over her face which was imprinted with an expression of pure frustration. “I dropped a book,” she explained, pointed down the back of the lockers. “Down there. I was trying to put them on top of the lockers, but, you know, it doesn’t help being short – I have to just chuck them up there and they go everywhere and I’m pissed off.” Susan smiled. “Hey, calm down. I’ll give you a hand.” She went to the offending locker and began to edge it away from the wall. “Can you get behind it?” Abby smiled at Susan, struggling with the weight of the locker. “You’ve only moved it an inch or two, Suze. I’m not that thin.” Susan rolled her eyes and, under Abby’s direction, began to shift it further back. “You know, I could be home by now.” Susan complained as Abby reached behind the locker. “Home and happy and not carrying a locker.” “Ok, ok – sorry. I’ve got it now.” Abby grinned and held up the book, triumphantly. “Yay!” Susan cheered, raising both arms in the air. Abby opened her mouth to shout a warning but the locker fell and crashed to the floor. Susan flinched at the sound and then looked at the locker, lying on the floor. “Oh crap – I forgot.” She muttered, before the two of them dissolved into giggles. After they both recovered, they lifted the locker together and pushed it back into place. The door of one of the lockers swung open and, as Abby closed it, a jacket fell out. She would’ve recognised it anywhere – Carter’s. She looked at it for a while, and then picked it up to put back into his locker – the one they had been moving. Susan watched as Abby silently, sadly, put it back and as she did, a letter fluttered innocently from the pocket. They looked at it for a while. Then they looked at each other. “Should I - ?” Abby bent to pick it up. “It has my name on it.” She turned over the envelope, where ‘Dear Abby’ was scrawled on. She felt her heart beat faster as she gazed fondly at his handwriting and then felt angry at herself for caring this much. “Well, if you do, tell me what it says.” Susan chirped, with a smile. Abby looked at her, biting her lip. She ran her finger under the seal at the back and began to slide the letter out. Then she stopped. “What?” Susan asked. Abby ran her tongue over her dry lips and stuffed the envelope into her coat pocket in a sudden, decisive moment. “I’ll read it later.” She told Susan, firmly. Then she pulled on her coat quickly and left. Susan stared after her, curiously as she stood in the dark, empty Doctor’s Lounge. The dust began to settle comfortably over Carter’s locker again, as though annoyed at being disturbed. |
![]() |
|
| Luka's Divota | Nov 17 2004, 04:15 PM Post #7 |
|
Resident (500+ posts)
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
again...it was brilliant. I cant wait for the next part lemonjelly katie xxx |
![]() |
|
| ERfool89 | Nov 17 2004, 08:57 PM Post #8 |
|
Resident (500+ posts)
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Great chapter!!!!!! I can change the thing if you want me too just pm me and tell me what you want it to say. Cant wait till more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
*~Grace~*
| |
![]() |
|
| abby_ness | Nov 17 2004, 09:08 PM Post #9 |
|
Medical Student (100+ Posts)
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
that was great!! post more !! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Abby: Well Neela is going through this delayed adolescent rebellion slash premature mid-life crisis thing right now. ~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~ Susan: Happy Abby always looking on the bright side. My myspace | |
![]() |
|
| briana | Nov 19 2004, 10:29 AM Post #10 |
|
Intern (250+ posts)
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Love it!!! More asap plz!!!!! |
|
~Briana --->Carby...even if its only a dream, its not one im willing to give up just yet... "We only part to meet again..." - Luka Kovac Abby: D'you realize you've been in there for 20 minutes? Carter: You miss me, or am I wasting water? Abby: Both
| |
![]() |
|
| Jessica | Nov 19 2004, 11:28 AM Post #11 |
|
gdje ima dima, ima i vatre
![]()
|
totally great! Can't wait for more! |
| "Is this some kind of special playground for screwed up kids or something?" | |
![]() |
|
| lemonjelly | Nov 26 2004, 03:14 PM Post #12 |
|
Nurse (-100 Posts)
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
hello all again - wow it's been quite a while. i have been completely swamped with maths and chemistry coursework. stupid school curriculum. well indeed, here is chapter three. i realise that my chapters are actually kind of long compared to other fanfics which are probably more to-the-point and for this i apologise. i just can't stop myself rambling on. as you can clearly see right now. thanks to reviewers or posters or whatever you're called: I_Love_Samka, ERfool89, abby_ness, briana and Samka_Fan! it was much appreciated. i'm shutting up right now. Enjoy! Love LJ xXx All I Ever Needed. Chapter Three. What I Never Told You As Abby reached her front door, she was already starting to pull out her keys and the envelope, the corners of which were now curled and battered from the tense journey home which consisted of Abby constantly gripping the envelope to make sure it was still there. She turned it over and began to pull out the letter with one hand, whilst the other hand tried to blindly fit the key in the lock. So absorbed in this once forlorn and forgotten letter, she almost tripped and slid on the small pile of other unimportant post that lay on her doormat. She kicked them away absent-mindedly and felt for the light switch so she could read the letter. Standing under the light, her purse hanging limply and unimportant from her elbow, she unfolded the letter with hands that shook slightly. For a while, she stood still, just staring blurrily at his handwriting before she cursed herself for letting herself fall in love this badly and forced herself to read. What began as an eagerness to hear from him gradually grew heavy and dragged like a dead weight in her heart. She slowly sat down on the edge of the sofa as she read the last line: “I guess the obvious thing is to end this – I know you’d think it pointless, carrying on with something that’s already reached a dead end. It probably never would’ve worked and maybe we both already knew that. I’ll see you soon. John.” She didn’t expect to feel this disappointed, this upset. She stared ahead of her at nothingness whilst she distractedly folded the letter up again. He said it all like it was so obvious and simple, yet it hadn’t been like that when he came back. He had tried to make amends and she had sent him off again. It was like everything felt was mutual, but she realised now that it wasn’t. Even if he felt all these things, she didn’t – she wasn’t ready to let go of him yet. And he was. So that was it then. As easy as that. Abby stood up and looked around her. The air in her flat felt heavy with sighs that had been there for weeks, ever since he first left. She walked over to shut the front door that had been left open in her impatience to read the letter. She felt so stupid now, for getting so excited; judging from the date at the top, it had been written even before he had returned from the Congo. She sighed again, adding to the atmosphere. Did she really expect the letter to hold good news, considering the note they left on? Well, actually, yes. She did, with all the hope in her, expect good news. As she shut the front door, she picked up the mail she had kicked aside and leafed through it half-heartedly. Her eyes watched her hands flick through leaflets, bills and free magazines advertising everything on the earth until she saw something that made her drop all the others. After staring wistfully at it just moments before she was let down, she would remember his handwriting forever. Here it was now, scribbled on the back of a standard airline postcard – a quick explanation that could never really be long enough unless he was actually there in person. She read it quickly and found herself standing very still. Suddenly, she wasn’t sure of anything anymore. She looked at the postcard, then at the folded up square of the previous letter. Then she grabbed her coat, locked up the flat and left. * * * The moment Susan answered the impatient knocking on her front door, Abby walked straight in; postcard in one hand, letter flapping in the other. She handed them both to Susan, who was fleetingly stunned by the sudden entrance but recovered and read them both obediently. “Abby –? “ she began, seeing her friend’s strained and distressed expression. “It doesn’t make sense, Susan.” Abby interjected, in a higher voice then usual. “I don’t know what I’ve done.” This is exactly how he must’ve felt all along, she thought. “Abby, please, calm down just for a second. There’s going to be a reason why he didn’t send this letter.” Susan spoke rationally. “Yeah,” Abby muttered, bitterly. “Kind of hard to find a mail office in the Congo, I guess.” Susan hugged her and then held her at arms length, both hands on her shoulders “Listen to me, Abby, if this was really what he felt, he would have sent it by any way he could – it would’ve reached you.” Susan told her, gently. “But he didn’t send it, we found it. It makes it so much more different. He loves you. That was what he said.” “So what? Did you even read the whole thing? I’ve said all this stupid crap that has made him think god knows what and run off back to the Congo,” she ran her hands through her hair in frustration and worry. “What if something happens to him? Or if he just never comes back because I’ve told him to go and do all this stuff that I don’t even understand myself? Why the hell did I need to say anything at all?” “Abby –“ Susan tried to stop her friend getting increasingly wound up, but Abby waved her words away and carried on. “Susan, I’ve done something really wrong. I’ve ruined everything.” Abby looked at her with tears starting to gloss over her eyes; she was worried, over-worked, lonely and tired. She took back the letter and the postcard still in Susan’s hands and then turned to leave. “Where are you going,” Susan asked, suspiciously. “To my apartment,” Abby answered. “To sit and wait.” Susan shut the door and turned Abby around. “You’ll never get any sleep. I want you to stay here, okay?” Susan led her to the sofa bed in her front room and sat Abby down on it. She hugged her. “Please, just try to calm down, Abby. This all will work itself out.” Abby looked into Susan’s deep, caring eyes and nodded. “Thanks.” She mumbled and lay down on the bed, still in her coat and all her day clothes – too tired to change. “Thanks, Susan.” Susan pulled a blanket over her and stroked her hair, softly. “No problem, hun,” she murmured. “Goodnight.” Then she pried the letter and postcard from Abby’s hands and went to put them on the table, re-reading the postcard as she walked. She sighed and glanced at her sleeping friend before going off to bed herself. “I’m sorry, Abby. I guess you’re right: I really don’t know anything about fixing things, but I’m going back now – to the Congo. I don’t know - maybe I’ll realise something there that I didn’t get before and maybe I’ll come back to you and make everything up to you. I’m sorry for not yet knowing entirely what I’m sorry for. Maybe I’ll come back and I’ll know. And though I know that three words won’t make any difference, I love you.” He didn’t even have to write his name – she would know who it was. And while Abby Lockhart slept on her best friend’s sofa, the same one line floated through her dreams becoming nightmares: “Maybe I’ll come back to you and make everything up to you,” he whispered to her from some place she had never seen but hated for taking away everything she’d ever loved. He stood in the heat and the dirt and the chaos – Carter in the Congo – and his gaze was directed west. She smiled in her sleep and he smiled back, never too far away. “Maybe I’ll come back to you, Abby” his voice rustled like the humid breeze through the dried and yellowing grass of Kisangani, but it reached her ears all the same. Maybe not, said her nightmare, maybe not. |
![]() |
|
| Luka's Divota | Nov 26 2004, 04:36 PM Post #13 |
|
Resident (500+ posts)
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Wow....another fantasic part. Im really loving this story. It's so well written, and it's keeping me interested. I really wanna know whats gunna happen. MORE SOON please
love katie xxx |
![]() |
|
| briana | Nov 29 2004, 06:09 PM Post #14 |
|
Intern (250+ posts)
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
OoOoOo....u have such a creative way of writing!!!!!! And sucking ppl into the story!!!! I cant wait to see what happens next! More soon plz!!! |
|
~Briana --->Carby...even if its only a dream, its not one im willing to give up just yet... "We only part to meet again..." - Luka Kovac Abby: D'you realize you've been in there for 20 minutes? Carter: You miss me, or am I wasting water? Abby: Both
| |
![]() |
|
| ERfool89 | Nov 29 2004, 08:12 PM Post #15 |
|
Resident (500+ posts)
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
More more!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
*~Grace~*
| |
![]() |
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| Go to Next Page | |
| « Previous Topic · Non-ER Talk Archives · Next Topic » |



![]](http://z1.ifrm.com/static/1/pip_r.png)








9:49 AM Jul 11