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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 7 2006, 11:41 PM (1,497 Views) | |
| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:18 PM Post #171 |
NoStarvAsianLax
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[SEXUAL CONTENT = DONT READ IF UR SENSITIVE] Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on. The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in. A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'" |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:20 PM Post #172 |
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[SEXUAL CONTENT] It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. “Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.” “Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun. “Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.” “Did he now?” said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.” “Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly. “At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.” “That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!” |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:24 PM Post #173 |
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NoStarvAsianLax
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REAL LIFE STORY NUMBER 2 On the morning show at WBBM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting: DJ: Hey! This is Eddie on WBBM. Do you know "Mate Match"? Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do. DJ: What's your name? First only please. Contestant: Brian DJ: Are you married or what Brian? Brian: Yes. DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean you're married or what? Brian? Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I'm married. DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what's your wife's name? First only please, Brian. Brian: Sara. DJ: Is Sara at work Brian? Brian: She's gonna kill me. DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work? Brian: (laughing) Yes she is. DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex? Brian: She's gonna kill me. DJ: Brian! Stay with me here, man. Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning. DJ: Atta boy. Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well. DJ: Number 2: How long did it last? Brian: About 10 minutes. DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake. Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice. DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm. DJ: This sounds good Brian, where was it? Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time. DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy! Brian: On the kitchen table. DJ: "Not that great"? That's more adventurous than the last hundred times I've done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (Advertisements) DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones, ringing) Clerk: Kinko's. DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she. DJ: Sara, this is Eddie with WBBM. I've been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now. Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours? DJ: Well, awhile anyway. He's also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"? Sara: No. DJ: Good. Brian: (laughing) Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Sara: Oh, Brian! DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? Sara! Get it? Orlando Magic, they are on strike? Sara, helloooooo? Anyone home?!?! Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes. Brian: (laughing) DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara? Sara: Oh God, Brian. ..This morning before Brian went to work. DJ: What time? Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last? Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe. DJ: Hmmmmm... Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I'm sure she's trying not to harm his manhood. DJ: Well, we'll give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it? Sara: Oh my God, Brian! You didn't tell them, did you?! Brian: Just tell him honey. DJ: What's bothering you so much Sara? Sara: Well, it's just, just that my mom is vacationing with us, and... DJ: She saw? Sara: Brian? Brian: No, no I didn't. DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer? Sara: Dear Lord; I can not believe you told them this. Brian: Come on honey, it's for a trip to Florida. DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it? Sara: In the ass. (long pause) DJ: We'll be right back. (Advertisements) DJ: I'm sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida. |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:28 PM Post #174 |
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Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!" Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one! "Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock." she says over her morning coffee. "Why is that?" the husband asks. "Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled." |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:31 PM Post #175 |
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Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him." The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?" To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska." At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!" |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:33 PM Post #176 |
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:35 PM Post #177 |
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rofl :bunnydance: A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!" Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head Mother: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it." Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!" Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!" The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright." |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:36 PM Post #178 |
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[ADULT CONTENT] THIS ONE IS SOOO FUNNY A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over." |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:37 PM Post #179 |
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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:38 PM Post #180 |
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[ADULT CONTENT] One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran." |
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