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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 7 2006, 11:41 PM (1,498 Views) | |
| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:07 PM Post #161 |
NoStarvAsianLax
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!' To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:09 PM Post #162 |
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NoStarvAsianLax
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[WARNING=ADULT CONTENT] A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?" "Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog." "And?" prompted the doctor. "Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick." "It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove." |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:10 PM Post #163 |
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[ADULT CONTENT] An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it." "Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom." |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:11 PM Post #164 |
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NoStarvAsianLax
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Problem: Ten blondes and a brunette were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They knew that one of them needed to let go because the weight of all eleven of them would tear the rope and they would all die. So, they argued back and forth about who was to let go. This went on for a few minutes, until the brunette finally said, "Ok, I'll let go!" The brunette gave a little speech about why she would go and said her farewells. All of the blondes were so touched, they started clapping. Problem solved. |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:12 PM Post #165 |
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NoStarvAsianLax
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[ADULT CONTENT] A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’ He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?” “Yes! Exactly! How did you know?” “Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”. Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked. “Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.” |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:13 PM Post #166 |
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[ADULT CONTENT] A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain sex to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret." The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me." A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!" "Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks. "Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin." |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:13 PM Post #167 |
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[ADULT CONTENT] Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!" |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:14 PM Post #168 |
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[SEXUAL CONTENT] Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language). After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...fifty times" |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:14 PM Post #169 |
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!" |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:17 PM Post #170 |
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[ADULT CONTENT] During a long flight, a gentleman developed a serious problem. He made several attempts to get into the men's room, but found it to be occupied each time. The flight attendant noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps and had a look of anxiety on his face. "Sir" she said, "the ladies' room is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." At that point he would have promised anything! He went to the ladies' room, relieved himself, and sat there savoring the relief. He noticed the buttons he'd promised not to touch. The buttons were labled "WW", "WA", "PP", and the red one was labled "ATR". Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist! The curiosity was too great! He pushed the button labled "WW". Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a contented feeling came over him! "Men's rooms don't have things like this," he thought. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the button labled "WA". Warm air replaced the warm water. It dried his underside thoroughly. The warm air stopped. Without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding the fragrent scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. "The ladies' room is more than a restroom," he thought, "this is a place of tender loving care!" When the powder puff had quit, he pushed the red button marked "ATR" knowing this must be the ultimate joy in the ladies' room experience! The next thing he knew he was in the hosptial when he opened his eyes. A nurse was starring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies' room on the plane." The nurse replied, "you pushed too many buttons, Sir." Her smirk expanded to a wide grin. "The last button, marked 'ATR', was an automatic tampon remover ...... your penis is under your pillow." |
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