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| Council Read; No, you read now | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 7 2006, 11:41 PM (1,499 Views) | |
| xx 0wn3ed xx | Nov 22 2006, 03:39 AM Post #151 |
Pking Legend
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Very good jokes semi :lol: |
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| Scim Of Dead | Dec 8 2006, 11:41 PM Post #152 |
should be honored guest
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semi your jokes own
:lol:
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| pureboy86 | Dec 22 2006, 03:50 AM Post #153 |
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ROFL OMFG IM GOING TO PISS MY PANTS |
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| Hax0r Luke | Dec 22 2006, 04:12 AM Post #154 |
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I don't get it along with most of these type of jokes. :unsure: |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 3 2007, 08:56 PM Post #155 |
NoStarvAsianLax
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its because u english people dont get humor ima read these jokes again, their halarious |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 06:59 PM Post #156 |
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NoStarvAsianLax
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[WARNING = LANGUAGE] One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU BITCH" "YOU BASTARD". Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room. Then he heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words "DICK and "CUNT" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Dick means coat and cunt means jackets." Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SHIT!!!!!" he yelled. "What's shit mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said, "it means shaving cream." The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW FUCK!!", she yelled. "What's fuck mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey." Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said, "Hello bitches and bastards, may I take your dicks and cunts? Dad's in the bathroom putting shit on his face and Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey! |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:01 PM Post #157 |
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NoStarvAsianLax
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[WARNING = SEXUAL CONTENT] There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman. "C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks. She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me." The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends. "You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her." "Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy. "Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!" "Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says. He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers. "W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl. "Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me." "AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!" He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell. "What do you want for some water?" "You have to have sex with me." Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen. "Do me here," she told him. He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea. "Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!" The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window. "Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars." "Then lay back and close your eyes again." This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes. "If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert." "Eyes closed," he says. Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms. "Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy. So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window. One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined! |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:04 PM Post #158 |
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NoStarvAsianLax
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[WARNING=SEXUAL CONTENT RATED "R"] Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. “ ’Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin’ all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. “About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick — a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared — her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. “Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were dripping out. “Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats — they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.” |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:06 PM Post #159 |
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NoStarvAsianLax
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lmao [WARNING=SEXUALCONTENT] An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago. |
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| +Semi™ | Jan 7 2007, 07:07 PM Post #160 |
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[WARNING SEXUAL CONTENT] Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!” His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’” |
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