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| Humour: The Universal Cure All; Some of the funnier quotes i've heard | |
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| Topic Started: Nov 26 2003, 10:53 PM (74 Views) | |
| CCC | Nov 26 2003, 10:53 PM Post #1 |
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TV Guest Star
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In honor of some of the comic geniuses of our time... I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. -Jon Stewart My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap." -Paul Rodriguez They say I should love my neighbour like myself, what am i supposed to do, jerk him off too? -Rodney Dangerfield See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -Robin Williams [Before opening an envelope for best supporting actress] I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, `Back up, I don't know how big this gets` -- (at the 71st Academy Awards) -Robin Williams We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. -Robin Williams Psychic, n. - An individual having an uncanny, seemingly supernatural, talent for extracting money from morons. -- Charles Bufe My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. -Bill Dwyer "All I ever wanted was a Barbie Dream House...a place that I could call my own, for me to share my joys and dreams with Barbie. That's when I heard it -- those four words that would haunt me for the rest of my days: IT'S NOT FOR BOYS." -Conan O'Brien "It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the earth a sad, lonely, red-headed freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there." -Conan O'Brien "The next time you and your wife are about to have a fight stop for a second, take a deep breath, look into each other's eyes. Take her hands in your's - that'll keep her from scratching you while you kick her in the shins." -Andy (Late Night with Conan O'Brien) New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. David Letterman You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. -Jon Stewart McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. -Jon Stewart "This guy comes up and says, 'Are you Jon Stewart?' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, he's seen me on TV and wants my autograph.' But he asks me, 'So, do you have a beach badge? You need one if you're going on the beach.'" -Jon Stewart Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. -Jon Stewart I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. -Rita Rudner There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. -Larry Miller I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. -Steven Wright I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?' -Steven Wright A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" -Henny Youngman I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. -Laura Kightlinger My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! -Sarah Silverman A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. -Jay Leno Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. -George Burns I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" -Rodney Dangerfield I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. -Rodney Dangerfield My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. -Rodney Dangerfield My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair. -Rodney Dangerfield If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all -Rodney Dangerfield My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet -Rodney Dangerfield I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. -Rodney Dangerfield When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up. -Rodney Dangerfield I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with. -Rodney Dangerfield My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. -Rodney Dangerfield I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back! -Rodney Dangerfield My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. -Rodney Dangerfield A hooker once told me she had a headache. -Rodney Dangerfield During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel -Rodney Dangerfield One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early." -Rodney Dangerfield I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot! -Rodney Dangerfield |
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| thisiseverything | Nov 28 2003, 10:30 PM Post #2 |
The Kudos Kid
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sarah silverman is my wife. i mean. my favourite comic. |
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[size=1]no one here wants to fight me like you do[/size] metric | |
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3:24 PM Nov 26
