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RP Time: OST
Population: XX Nations Technology: Post/Modern
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![]() Founder: Dom | Prime Minister: Vacant| RP Ministers: Vacant ..:: YOUR NEWS : 16 OCT '14 ::.. ***Things That Happened, Did*** |
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| A Mapping Error; Chapshire Acquisition of CW12 | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jun 22 2013, 10:01 AM (256 Views) | |
| Fien | Jun 22 2013, 10:01 AM Post #1 |
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Large State
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"No....no that's definitely not on the previous map. That's the Craigson territory." Adequately Personable Head of Foreign Affairs and Diplomacy Bob Toms said, looking over the maps displayed in front of him. "Shup up, Bob, You your god damn face!" Plimbucket Fallyfellow said, his head resting on his desk. "That's the official map, we've sent that out to the TA! Do you have any idea what it would take to fix it? Hell, it'd be easier to just invade and make it part of Chapsh..........oh god dammit....." Plimbucket raised his head. Toms looked at him with concern "What are you thinking Plim......" Plimbucket's face was stony, his mouth agape. "It's easier, cheaper, and would be less time consuming to just invade the claim the Craigson territory.....I have to invade them. It's literally the best and most sensible option." He said with a note of shock and despair. Toms looked at him with incredulity. "War as the best option? Plim, I think you've had a touch to much brandy." "THERE IS NO SUCH THING!" Fallyfellow shouted before returning to his haze of shock. "Call up Rogerton Tallywacker, we better start getting the army ready." Toms laughed. "You're worried about changing a map but are willing to go to war? Does the Assembly even know how to declare war?" Plimbucket smiled evilly. "War? It's our own territory, this is just putting down some rebels who refuse to bow to the glorious tenants of socialism. They know how to do that very well, Toms. Very well indeed...." |
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| Fien | Jun 22 2013, 10:31 AM Post #2 |
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Large State
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BY THE GLORY OF THE FEDERATED REPUBLIC, TO ARMS! TO ARMS! Rightious citizens of Chapshire, the people of the northern Craigson province, which has always been part of our honest nation, are in open rebellion against the basic and most valuable tenants of Socialism! This affront can not stand, and they refuse to submit to the gentle authority of the Commissariat. We must therefore gather our arms and subdue our rebellious brothers, so that they might know the truth of Socialism and its impeccable aim. All reservists are to head to the nearest duty station to receive orders and and equipment while supplies last. All active duty personnel are to report to their superiors. We must tighten our state-issued belts and weather this storm of aggression to ensure that our most humble and fulfilling way of life is threatened no more by these insurgents! Trust in Chapshire! (TM) |
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| Fien | Jun 23 2013, 09:29 AM Post #3 |
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Large State
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"Sir, my rifle has a problem." "What's wrong with your damn rifle, grunt?" "Well sir.....it's a BB gun...." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Even after 3 solid days of preparation the army was in no shape to begin the assault, leaving Rightly Comrade of Defensive Matters, Rogerton Tallywacker, in a fit. "HARRUMPH!" Rogerton harrumphed loudly, his thick and luxurious mustache rippling with his displeasure at the mess of ammunition boxes, half assembled tents, and for some reason a tank was on fire. He smacked one of the grunts roasting a potato in the flames with his cane and strutted over to the base commander, a colonel whose name he didn't know nor did he care to learn. "You, lackey! You run this pitiful excuse for a base?" Rogerton shouted, the colonel sighing and looking up from his stack of papers. "I am, sir. Colonel Smi.." he began before being quickly cut off by Rogerton. "I don't give a damn who you are, lackey, I care about the sorry state if this.....madhouse! Why, back in my day you'd be caned for leaving a depot is such a mess! Now, how long until you're ready to join the rest of the division?" The Colonel removed his glasses and massaged the brim of his nose for a few seconds before returning them and responding. "Well sir, we only have about a third of the rifles we need, so little fuel that we're being forced to siphon it out of the officers cars..." A distant "FUCKING THIEVES! HOW AM I GETTING HOME?!" is heard "...yet for some reason we have about 4000 entrenching tools that the men are sharpening in desperation to have something capable of killing something larger than a small cat." Rogerton harrumphed again and stared. "I didn't hear an ETA in that whining, lackey!" "Oh for god sakes........another 2 or three days? I don't know anymore...." Tallywacker suddenly smiled and clapped the man so hard on the back he nearly collapsed the chair underneath him. "Good man!" He boomed. "I always respect a commander who knows how to get things done with limited resources. Yes, too few of that in this miserable excuse for an army these days. Anyway, you have until tomorrow to move out, I look forward to seeing you in glorious combat with our enemy, Cheerio!" Rogerton strolled away, smacking and shouting at random soldiers as he went while the unnamed colonel slammed his head on his desk repeatedly. Edited by Fien, Jun 23 2013, 09:30 AM.
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| Fien | Jun 24 2013, 10:16 AM Post #4 |
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Large State
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Let Losse The Bombs That Don't Work, God We're Terrible At This By Sirius Jerastherium, Most Annoyed and Underpaided of Journalists...hell I don't get paid anything... So, our Glorious Assembly did some more of the Good Work by managing to finally sign something that wasn't each other's faces after a late night binge. Thankfully the annual official map was signed with their names instead of numerous phalluses.....poorly drawn ones at that. But these simpering sacks of neo-socialistic crap that briefly inhabit the Assembly for the free muffins and cheap wine managed to accidentally absorb several hundred extra miles of land due to not a one of them being able to read the very complex and obtuse lines that make up out nation's northern border. The territory of the Craigson tribes, a bunch of barely clothed berserkers that I'm not certain don't charge into battle with swords as large as they are and covered in their own feces, is now officially part of Chapshire and always has been as of a few days ago. Well at least we can be certain they'll be better armed then our troops. Oh...and that's the kicker, stupid readers, instead of just taking a god damn sharpie to the map and signing it again (hell, even with dicks!) they decided to just invade the place and be done with it. Round of applause, stupid readers, they match one mind-boggling display of incompetence with another. So now our troops are stumbling off to go die in foreign lands that we have always owned according to the Assembly of Dunces with the same level of preparedness the average child would to go camping by themselves. Well, replace "40 boxes of cookies" with "40 bottles of booze and enough porn to induce permanent petrification" and you've got the idea. But I shouldn't complain should I? Well that's what the Commissariat says, the mouth-breathing golems. Regardless our boys have already met stiff resistance; a chain-link fence. You poor bastards think I'm joking, don't you? Our "mighty army" met the chain-link border fence and quickly realized that not a single person in the 120,000 strong force had a god damn wire cutter. I beg of the international world reading this, everyone and anyone; invade us, I need something actually worthy of being pissed at. |
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| Fien | Jun 27 2013, 02:07 PM Post #5 |
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Large State
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From the diary of Eugene Hibblewatt III, Commissar attached to the 12th Regiment, 3rd platoon of the Chap 1st Army Do you have any idea what a Slug-gun really is? It's a 45 calibre debate that never fails. I've never man that could adequately argue against a long .45 to the face, though I'm always giving any dissenter I can find a chance to break that streak. Anyway, we encounter the enemy for the first time today and I changed a LOT of minds all over the ground. Crazy bastards just ran at us screaming and firing from the hip with those pig disgusting Noberian toys they call rifles and a few of them swinging swords as large as they were. A few of my men try to secure our back lines when they started rushing up on us by I debated the crap out of 2-3 of them until they stopped. Regardless of a few cowards we managed to form a firing line and mow down wave after wave until they ran out of ammo (well, except for one lad who was helplessly plinking the enemy with a BB gun, he seemed to have plenty of ammo). Our infallible leaders were so confident in our abilities they only saw fit to equip our troops with maybe 20 rounds of ammunition each collectively. Thus began the true fight as our brave men pulled out their mighty entrenching tools, sharpened by the might of the glorious Revolution and grind stones.....mostly the Revolution. I let loose upon them with some friendly conversation from my mace and set about spreading the good world upside the heads of any tribal willing to get within 10 feet of me. The grunts went about similar work, shovel clashing with sword in an epic display of blood, sparks, and the general lack of physical trainer I've noticed in our men. Note to self: begin training men in hand-to-hand combat against opponents twice their strength. After a good hour little was left but a field turned to marshlands by the blood and many dead dissenters on the ground missing various extremities. Our men had completely annihilated the force against us while sustaining close to 60% causalities. It. Was. Glorious. I love the army. Edited by Fien, Jun 27 2013, 02:12 PM.
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| Fien | Jul 4 2013, 08:47 AM Post #6 |
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Large State
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(Translated poorly from the diary of Grenoirc Iggaboght, Craigson tribesman.) Disgusting pig dog "Chaps"! Attacked today with tank and plane, bomb and shell fields for no reason. Maybe they think fields be of crops? Idiots, who eats grass? They must be cows then, as they fight like. Chargers went into battle glorious but fall to their numbers and the Red Capes. Town of Cremian burnt to the dirt then dirt bombed, then craters set on fire again. We are confused and worried, what goals could this be? Do they fight some unseen? Are they seeing what we can not?! Headwoman Origi killed her husband in madness and has taken over to lead victory and reversal of battle misfortunes. With new leaders we have begun anew assaults against back defenses of "Chaps". The tanks still provide problems, especially the large. They are like small houses that spew fire and sometimes move. Rockets do nothing, bombs and mines the same. It is by our great luck that stops their movement and let us ignore. Smaller tanks much easier to fight but very fast in movement and fire. Old roads mines, mad Chaps still use them for unknown reasons. Towns emptied before Red Capes come and long rifles used against their Battleminds to weaken moral, though effects undergood so far. Word is Origi thinks they have no leadership, but rather are hivemind like bugs. Let them perverse, Craigson are well excellent at crushing bug. If they are of hive then the hive is quite mad; mad Chaps will sit in fields for days digging shit-cannals and then sleeping in them. They do not even shit in them! Then they leave and dig more holes elsewhere. Otherwise they bomb where they think we are and charge our guns under no cover. I believe these penal units, sent to die to shake us and cause fleeing. It has failed before our iron resolve, but still so many come and charge. They do not even have blades, but sharpen shovels to hack at us like axes. Madness. Tomorrow I shall lead an assault of depot made of supplies that is one of theirs. Numbers expected to be low and tired, little threat considered. Luck and fortune! (Recovered after botched attack on the Central Frontline Headquarters, after it was mistaken for the small supply depot it was 4 days previous to the attack. To be edited and released for propaganda purposes. Emphasis suggested to be put on the "Red Capes" as it seems like a fitting nickname. Commissar Edatlin) Edited by Fien, Jul 4 2013, 08:48 AM.
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| Fien | Jul 9 2013, 03:16 PM Post #7 |
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Large State
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"Hey.." "Yeah?" "Do you ever wonder why we're here?" ".......No......not ever......shut up" "O-oh....alright sorry." Two troopers of the Chapshire Socialist Army stood on the top of a building in the middle of a minuscule base in the middle of a box canyon. Private Kodeki, short and thin, and PFC Jacobs, tall and stocky, stood lookout across the barren field between the canyon walls, boredly saying whatever came to mind. Suddenly a caped figure came walking up to the underside of the base, shouting loudly. "Men! Stand at attention! We've just received important orders from Command!" The two troopers hopped down and stood at attention in front of the Commissar. "Men! We have been instructed by command to take the enemy base for the glory of Chapshire!" "Why?" the shorter and mousy looking trooper said. The commissar looked at him, shocked, for a few moments. "To win the war, you fool!" he shouted in the trooper's face. "Ok, so say we take the base....then what? We control two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopty-fucking-doo." "....Son, I think you're missing the point here. If we take the enemy's base we'll be that much closer to winning the war!" "Don't we outnumber them 20-1 anyway? Is this canyon even necessary? Why should we even care at this point? I say we just sit back and let the war play out while we sip on our gin rations. Why die when someone else is stupid enough to do it for us?" "Private Kodeki, you just got volunteered to lead the assault....wearing bright pink and waving flares." "Um, not to complain about command's excellent decisions or your amazing strategies, sir, but maybe we should wait until the enemy attack us and counter-attack while they're distracted, taking their base while it's minimally defended." "And let them take our base and its supplies? Madness!" "(yes, god forbid they get our twinkies and broken guns.)" "Now I want you two to arm up and prepare for a frontal assault of their anti-infantry machine guns mounted on top of their base. They'll never see it coming!" The Commissar strode off into the canyon. The smaller trooper turned to the larger. "You know, I think I figured out why we're here..." "Shut up." |
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| Fien | Jul 12 2013, 11:14 PM Post #8 |
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Large State
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"Hit the battle music!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZS0WIQI7UU "Jacobs you idiot, that's not the battle music, change it!" "I can't, the radio is all sticky! and covered in....is that cheese?" "Oh, um....yeah sorry about that. I was having lunch earlier and fell asleep and it kinda spilled...." "Damn it, Private Kodeki, just drive, we're almost there!" A small truck with a very large machine gun strap to the back sped along the canyon floor blaring it's mighty "Battle Theme" while about a mile away a Craigson force sat lazily milling around their base and arguing. "<And I'm telling you that Tuesdays are Chowder Days!>" "<Oh eat me you whiney bastard, we it's like 115 degrees out here, you want fucking chowder?>" Music is heard in the distance "<Well I don't want anymore god damn hardtack, that's for sure. I swear I've broken like, 3 teeth trying to chew those rocks." "<You soak them in your wine you idiot, it softens them!>" Music increases in volume "<Oh great, so I can choose between rock bread or soggy ass bread that's been soaking in the hot sun in my crappy wine and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT MUSIC?!>" The Chap truck suddenly cleared the hill and flew through the air with its machine gun roaring and radio blaring. "EAT LEAD YOU SWISHY BASTARDS!" The Craigsons ran for cover. "<Oh dear god, what the fuck!>" "<Throw the hardtack at them, I'm gonna go get the tank!>" |
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| Fien | Jul 19 2013, 08:54 AM Post #9 |
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Large State
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"Well aside from some holdouts in the mountains and a canyon we've taken most of the Craigson territories, sir." a Colonel said "Good Chap!" Rogerton Tallywacker, Good and Rightly Commander of All Matters Militarial expounded, mustache rippling. "I knew we'd give those uncultured bastards a right cauliflower ear!" "More a 'right city bombing' but I guess we have, sir." "Now now! No need for that kind of attitude! We beat those rebels square and goodly! Now what was that about a canyon? We haven't taken it yet?" "It's rather unclear, sir." "Unclear? Bah! We've either taken out we haven't, so which is it?" "......I have no god damn idea." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (meanwhile, hundreds of miles away in a small box canyon in the middle of nowhere) "Alright, so we build you two robots, one blue and one black, and you give us our ammo back. Sound good?" "Yes, but you had better not be taking us in ass with this!" "Taking us in ass?...Ok, we've got a deal then." "Alright, let us just call into commanding" "Wait, your command still takes your calls?" ".......no......no they do not....." The Chap walked back to his base where another sat with a box of bolts and screws and two sets of robot legs and two spheres the size of bowling balls. "Jacobs....the hell are those balls?" "Bombs, the Commissar said to install these in the robots so we can 'Catch them by surprise.....WITH EXPLOSIONS!'." "Yeah....can't imagine why command doesn't take our calls anymore...." |
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| Fien | Jul 25 2013, 01:47 PM Post #10 |
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Large State
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"So, here's the first report on the battle effectiveness of our troops in the Craigson territories." a tall man said, gesturing towards the projection screen in the darkened meeting room. Around him sat various officials from all seats of the upper Chapshrie government, and a few who came for the free donuts. Sadly for them, Rogerton Tallwacker had taken the entire plate and was busy stuffing them and an inhuman amount of brandy into his furry gourd. The tall man clicked to the next slide, a picture of a very large tank or small house on tracks with a thin gun sticking out of it. "Starting with our armored forces, the Challeywell did not meet expectations but our commanders complained that it was being put into situations it wasn't designed for. For some reason it was consistently ordered into frontal charges on enemy lines and for use in patrols. We estimate that at least 50 tanks were lost or broke down." "Bah!" Rogerton exclaimed, bits of wet donut showering most of the people on the other side of the table from him. "Tanks are made to assault! The fools kept telling me how they were 'holding strategic ground' or 'providing long range supporting fire'. How these cowards think they'll get away with trying to pulling that kind of traitorous lie is beyond me. If they had followed my orders right then the enemy would have fled in terror of our mighty machines! But no, the bastards insisted on firing from cover.......pansies." "Yes.....well.....I suppose that also explains why so main self-propelled artillery guns were ordered for us as second line tanks....and suffered similarly heavy loses. Moving on to our air wing." A new slide of a plane on fire and falling "Our air force did much better, but still took loses. Several planes crashed from mechanics accidentally installing parts from other planes and sometimes tank and small arms into them. The silver lining there is that somehow our ground crew made an Oberwarthy fly with one of its ailerons replaced with part of a car door. It didn't fly for long, mind you......" Another slide, this one showing a group of soldiers running from a man with a large sword. "Our troops on the ground probably fared the worst. Again, this was mostly because of administrative problems and poorly leadership." Rogerton harrumphed and showered more people in donut. "The supply situation was terrible, one platoon be issued nothing but a division's supply of grenades. I will say that this particular unit was our best preforming and dubbed 'krekenak ismosta' or 'grenade bastards' by the enemy. I suggest we keep them as such, if only because of how attached they've gotten to the things. I mean, they threw a dud at me when I suggested finding some rifles for them to use....." A slide of numbers and tables appeared and the tall man placed the clicker on the table. "The report goes on from there, much the same in most areas. Generally speaking things seemed to have gone about as well as we expected. Our losses were actually slightly less than expected, though we technically haven't taken all of the territory yet." At the end of the table Plimbucket Fallyfellow slammed his head into the desk. |
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| Fien | Aug 3 2013, 10:57 AM Post #11 |
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Large State
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Chap Daily Sanctioned News Celebrations are ringing out in the streets of Kringleburrytowneston, formerly Aelonun, largest city in the Craigson territory. Today marks the official end of the rebellion by subversives in this long standing Chap province and their reinclusion into the Great and Mighty Federated Republic. A percentage of the troops are staying to ensure the peace and take care of the last remnants of rebels in the mountains, but the government has declared all major combat actions to be ceased and rebuilding to begin. The Craigsons are being reeducated in the glorious and utterly true teachings of socialism and are expected to rejoin the work force quickly. A substantial number of Commissars have remained to ensure just that. Numerous factories and ports are expected to be built in the years to come and provide a substantial boost to the Chap production quotient. All reports of productivity actually decreasing due to strive, transitional troubles, start-up costs, and fudnign for the peacekeeping forces have been declared treasonous. Regardless, it shows a great victory for our mighty forces to over come such a grave threat to Chapshire and its people. Without their intervention the Craigson hordes may well have taken most of the continent with their brutal means and methods. We thank our brave and numerous dead for their sacrifices against such a powerful enemy as these rebels. The government has assured people, however, that further violence on a large scale is impossible and that they may rest assured. Trust in Chapshire (TM) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Plimbucket Fallyfellow looked over the latest news report and smiled. This would hopefully be the end of the foolish little war they had accidentally started and would reach no further, he thought. That is....until he read the next memo from the Committee For The Continued Defense Of The Chap Homeland.
Plimbucket spent the rest of his day thinking up vulgar and poetic language to respond to the memo, insulting several dead mothers and children in the process and implying the possession of venereal diseases among many of the members of the committee. All in all a very good day for Plimby. |
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8:22 PM Jul 11
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8:22 PM Jul 11