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| Jokes; Keep them clean (ish) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: 5 Feb 2008, 23:12 (601 Views) | |
| Astern | 3 Mar 2008, 06:36 Post #26 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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he tried |
| A genrally smart guy. | |
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| Great Bights Mum | 4 Mar 2008, 06:11 Post #27 |
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AWP Member
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This isn't a proper joke, but I know so many people who are science or engineering majors, and I really have no head for that stuff so.... when they start talking science I tell them the limit of my scientific knowledge is: If it's green or it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. and if it doesn't work, it's physics! |
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| Astern | 4 Mar 2008, 06:22 Post #28 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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That is actually true |
| A genrally smart guy. | |
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| Astern | 4 Mar 2008, 07:11 Post #29 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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i got pregnant before my mum did |
| A genrally smart guy. | |
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| Lord Tothe | 22 Mar 2008, 22:24 Post #30 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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I am my own grandpa. http://www.ziplo.com/grandpa.htm |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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| ballypete | 28 Mar 2008, 19:33 Post #31 |
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AWP Veteran
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Bubba goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba slowly rises from his chair and gets in line. When it's his turn the preacher says, 'Bubba, what you want me to pray about?' Bubba says, 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.' So the preacher puts his right finger in Bubba's right ear and his left hand on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left finger in Bubba's left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some more. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says,'Bubba how's your hearing now?' Bubba says, 'I don't know preacher, it ain't til next Wednesday |
| %mh%-22950%mh% | |
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| Astern | 28 Mar 2008, 20:48 Post #32 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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Shamus and Murphy fancy a couple of beers, but, between them, they can only raise a dollar. Murphy says: “Hang on a minute, I have an idea.” He goes into a butcher’s shop and comes out with a large sausage. “Are you crazy?” screams Shamus incredulously. “You’ve spent the last of our money.” “Just follow me,” Murphy insists. He goes into the pub and orders two Guinnesses. Shamus turns white. “Now you’ve lost it,” he shrieks. “Do you know how much trouble we’re in?” “Don’t worry,” replies Murphy. “When we’re finished, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.” The barman notices them, goes berserk and throws them out. They continue this trick, pub after pub, getting drunk for free. At the 10th pub Shamus begs: “Murphy, tonight’s been great, but I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me!” “How do you think I feel?” replies Murphy. “I lost the sausage in the third pub.” |
| A genrally smart guy. | |
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| Astern | 29 Apr 2008, 06:37 Post #33 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.'' 9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!'' 7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....'' 6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry. 2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?'' 1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer." |
| A genrally smart guy. | |
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| Neasmyrna | 5 Jun 2008, 23:22 Post #34 |
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Founder of 00000 A World Power
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here are a couple COMPLETELY racist jokes... and in no way to I condone them... They do not represent what I believe in any which way... I heard them from some sick people who thought they were funny... 1. What's the difference between a Hispanic and a bench? Answer: A bench can support a family. 2. Did you hear about the Mexican that went to college? 3. What do you call a Mexican without a lawnmower? Answer: Unemployed again, if you are offended by these jokes in any way I sincerely apologize... |
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The bestest guy you ever new about!!! & The founder of 00000 A World Power! %mh%-91436%mh% | |
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| Lord Tothe | 6 Jun 2008, 05:05 Post #35 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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The limerick is furtive and mean You must keep her in close quarantine Or she sneaks to the slums And promptly becomes Disorderly, drunk and obscene. |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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| Neanbear | 6 Jul 2008, 21:15 Post #36 |
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AWP Stalwart
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This is a joke from Super Bowl weekend It's Super Bowl weekend millions of people who know nothing about football will be watching the Super Bowl. Like the Miami Dolphins. |
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| Lord Tothe | 13 Jul 2008, 23:29 Post #37 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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Updated proverbs: "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't" "Give a man fire, and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life." |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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| Ranholn | 9 Oct 2008, 13:32 Post #38 |
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AWP Veteran
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glade you came to tearms |
![]() Add this user bar to tell your elected officials you want Mr. T day!! SUPPORT MR. T DAY!!! Death to all Monarchies and Nobilities. %mh%-32840%mh% | |
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| Lord Tothe | 9 Oct 2008, 13:45 Post #39 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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What was the very first car mentioned in the Bible? A plymouth "God drove Adam and Eve out in a Fury." |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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| deathorlife | 19 Dec 2008, 02:37 Post #40 |
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That's ME!?!?!?
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What do you call a black priest. (Parental Advising) Holy Shit |
| I hate myself.%mh%-23680%mh% | |
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| Saudi Burmia | 28 Jun 2009, 08:58 Post #41 |
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AWP Journeyman
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XD |
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Lord Governor of The Unknown Colony of Prussia Reborn Join the forums! | |
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| Pulangi | 16 Aug 2009, 10:17 Post #42 |
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AWP Fogey
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(Blonde joke!!!!!) I heard this one on camp. Ok so there is a Blonde, a red haired, and a Brunette all lined up for a race against eachother in the 100m breathstroke. The race started and off they went, 1st position was the Red hair, 2nd position was the Brunette. The blonde, however, took over 2 and a half hours to finish her race. After FINALLY finishing her race she hopped out, went to an official and said "I'd like to lodge in an official complaint, the Red hair and the Brunette were using their arms!" |
| mybrute | |
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| Numero Capitan | 16 Aug 2009, 12:53 Post #43 |
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AWP Stalwart
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Why did hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill |
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The Many Faced God, RDF Commander -- -- ---Awarded AWP Cross--254 RDF missions- | |
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| Rucket | 16 Aug 2009, 15:14 Post #44 |
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THE legend himself
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oh wow !!! Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat." The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....." |
| ni evig reven ! | |
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| Lord Tothe | 23 May 2010, 18:50 Post #45 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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A contestant Lars, on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If he answered the next question correctly, he would win $1,000,000. If he answered incorrectly, he would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as he suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A. the condor B. the buzzard C. the cuckoo D. the vulture" Lars was on the spot. He did not know the answer. He had used up his 50/50 Lifeline and his Ask the Audience Lifeline.. All that remained was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. He hoped he would not have to use it because . . . His friend was, well, Ole - not the sharpest nail in the bin. But he had no alternative. He called Ole and gave him the question and the four choices. Ole responded unhesitatingly: "Dat's easy. Da answer is C: da cuckoo." Lars had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that Ole had given him. And considering his friend was not the smartest Norwegian, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But his friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced. Crossing his fingers, Lars said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that is my final answer." "That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, Lars hosted a party for his family and friends, including Ole, who had helped him win the million dollars. "Ole, I just do not know how to thank you," said Lars. "How did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said Ole. "Everybody knows dat da cuckoos don't build nests. Day live in da clocks." Lars fainted. |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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8:39 AM Jul 11