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| Jokes; Keep them clean (ish) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: 5 Feb 2008, 23:12 (600 Views) | |
| ballypete | 5 Feb 2008, 23:12 Post #1 |
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AWP Veteran
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Parrot Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .' 'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!' When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you friggin stupid, ugly parrot!' To which the parrot replied, 'Go get him, Spike!' See - Men just don't listen! |
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| Numero Capitan | 6 Feb 2008, 07:20 Post #2 |
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AWP Stalwart
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Whats pink and hard? A Pig with a Knife |
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The Many Faced God, RDF Commander -- -- ---Awarded AWP Cross--254 RDF missions- | |
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| ballypete | 6 Feb 2008, 19:18 Post #3 |
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AWP Veteran
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Moses & George Bush Recently President Bush encountered a man with long grey hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him. The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil." |
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| Neasmyrna | 6 Feb 2008, 21:23 Post #4 |
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Founder of 00000 A World Power
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lol... here's one for ya'll: Chelsey Clinton was campaigning in Iraq for her mother... She asked a soldier if he was afraid of combat... he said... no She asked "are you afraid of anything?" He said yes... 3 things... Chelsey: What? Osama, Obama, and yo mama! lol... |
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The bestest guy you ever new about!!! & The founder of 00000 A World Power! %mh%-91436%mh% | |
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| Repaxan | 6 Feb 2008, 23:26 Post #5 |
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AWP Journeyman
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| Pope Nitty II | 7 Feb 2008, 05:14 Post #6 |
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AWP Journeyman
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i lost my virginitty b4 my dad |
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| greekamerican | 7 Feb 2008, 15:56 Post #7 |
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Semi-Important
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*not clean* |
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| Numero Capitan | 7 Feb 2008, 16:01 Post #8 |
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AWP Stalwart
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it was still quite clean, and very funny, although took me a few seconds to get it
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The Many Faced God, RDF Commander -- -- ---Awarded AWP Cross--254 RDF missions- | |
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| Lord Tothe | 8 Feb 2008, 04:32 Post #9 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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1. Two vultures board an airplane, each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world. 3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 8.A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 10.A poor country preacher was preparing the local chapel for a wedding ceremony scheduled a few days later. He noticed that the buildeng looked rather shabby and decided to paint it. In the basement he found a can of paint and promptly went to work. As he finished one side of the building, he noticed that the paint can was almost half empty. He returned to the basement and found some paint thinner, which he used to fill his can of paint. Then he finished the job. That night, tyhe worst rainstorm of the year blew in, and the next morning found the preacher staring at what was left of his work. The first side he had painted was fine, but the paint had been washed off of the other three. The preacher asked, "Why did this happen, God? Why me? What am I supposed to do?" and there came a voice from heaven, saying "Repaint, and thin no more." And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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| Astern | 16 Feb 2008, 09:59 Post #10 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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I was having sex once... then my mum came in and hit the horse. |
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| Lord Tothe | 16 Feb 2008, 16:47 Post #11 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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I think THAT was dirty..... |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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| Astern | 16 Feb 2008, 20:55 Post #12 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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I'll get over it unless ranny is in a bad mood |
| A genrally smart guy. | |
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| ballypete | 16 Feb 2008, 21:27 Post #13 |
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:rolleyes: |
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| Astern | 16 Feb 2008, 21:29 Post #14 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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![]() I love that joke and this one : If I were I guy I would have been called James |
| A genrally smart guy. | |
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| ballypete | 16 Feb 2008, 21:41 Post #15 |
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AWP Veteran
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? |
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| Astern | 16 Feb 2008, 21:42 Post #16 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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I already am I guy |
| A genrally smart guy. | |
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| Lord Tothe | 17 Feb 2008, 20:39 Post #17 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meetings as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they never won a prize at the monthly drawing. That is, until last meeting. Sven was the first one of the three to have his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles and three pounds of Swedish meatballs. Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, MN., 2 nights' stay at the Dew Drop Inn, and a pair of tickets to see the Inger Triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven. Lars was the last one to have his name drawn. He won a toilet brush. At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month. Sven said, "Uffda, I had dat pasketti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't haf to buy food for dem dere tree days." Ole said, "Lena was so happy hven I brought home dem tickets. Da trip up to Duloot was nice, and we got to ride da Greyhound, and yew know, they got a built-in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey vere sisters." Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looked at them both and said, "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper!" |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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| Astern | 17 Feb 2008, 21:19 Post #18 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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rofl |
| A genrally smart guy. | |
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| greekamerican | 21 Feb 2008, 16:24 Post #19 |
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Semi-Important
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lol |
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| Astern | 23 Feb 2008, 00:46 Post #20 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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any more jokes anyone? |
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| Lord Tothe | 23 Feb 2008, 07:05 Post #21 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so. " Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest..."You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine." "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but whine since you got here." |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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| Astern | 23 Feb 2008, 07:07 Post #22 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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rofl |
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| Lord Tothe | 2 Mar 2008, 00:36 Post #23 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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IMPORT TERMINOLOGY All Motor Definition: No nitrous, no blower, or turbo. Sentence: That guy wanted to race our Camaro "all motor." We didn't know what that meant so we beat him with nitrous. Crew Definition: The guys that do stuff for the driver, anytime, anywhere. Sentence: I sent some guys from the crew to return my videos. DOHC Definition: Dual Overhead Cam. Sentence: I felt so sick, I had to see the DOHC. Gran Turismo 2 Definition: A video game import guys love 'cause their street cars are slow. Sentence: I spun my Acura playing GT2 and then spilled milk on the sofa. Jug Kit Definition: Big bore or stroker engine kits. Sentence: I put the 2.0L jug kit in my Acura. Liter Definition: Measure of engine displacement. Sentence: I took my 1.6L Honda to the store and bought 2.0 liters of Coke. LSD Definition: Limited-slip differential/transaxle (it's in front). Sentence: I dropped my LSD before the race and couldn't qualify. NOPI Definition: Summit of import retail guys selling stuff. Sentence: I picked up a plastic ground effects kit and a 2-foot wing at the NOPI show. Pop-off or blow-off valve Definition: The vent that vents excess turbo boost to the atmosphere. Sentence: My blow-off valve is bigger than your blow-off valve. SOHC Definition: Single overhead cam. Sentence: When I do laundry, I always manage to lose a SOHC. Three-inch Definition: The minimum size for exhaust tips. Sentence: My 1-inch exhaust system feeds my big chrome muffler and 3-inch tip. Torque Definition: Never mind, imports don't have any. VTEC Definition: Variable timing and lift electronic control. Sentence: Instead of changing cams, I smacked my VTEC with a hammer. |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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| Astern | 2 Mar 2008, 01:25 Post #24 |
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AKA Nitshatta
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why did the chicken cross the road> |
| A genrally smart guy. | |
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| Lord Tothe | 3 Mar 2008, 06:32 Post #25 |
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Evil Dictator-For-Life of AWP
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To kick your ass. |
| "Mighty little force is needed to control a man whose mind has been hoodwinked; contrariwise, no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything — you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him." ~ Robert A. Heinlein | |
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8:39 AM Jul 11