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Toilet Issue
Topic Started: May 24 2007, 10:10:54 PM (96 Views)
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TOILET ISSUE

When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women waiting. You smile politely and take your place in the line. It finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied ... but eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.

You get in to find that the door won't lock. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your trousers and assume "the position."

In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment, you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare - it's empty, the toilet roll dispenser is empty. You 'hover' looking around in the hope that there's a new roll behind you - no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more. Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck and shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep, dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled 'used' tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door cubicle door and, because the latch doesn't work, the door hits your head which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that 'used' tissue. The door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and you drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue, which you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger, into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor. If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether and gravity pulls you down ... down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

Yes, it's wet. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ and life form that lives on the uncovered seat. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and down into your dishevelled trousers which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor. The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of chewing gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself. You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where, of course, there are no paper towels, so you move onto the hand blower, which, yes, you've guessed it, doesn't work either!

You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an unspoken understanding between you all. A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit the loos, you spot your hubby/partner, who has long since entered, used and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question - Why do women always go to the loos in pairs? It's so that your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you tissue under the door!

:dunny:

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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

that is so true and so very funny :lol:
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TopCat3
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Tantalisingly Opulent Pussy, Caring And Thoughtful

Yes....

My niece sent me this one from England a couple of weeks ago :thumbsup:
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Lynnj
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thankyou pr i just let loose some roaring belly laughs at that. :lmao: :lmao:
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gobbyjock
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Very good!! :lol:
The last time Prof Princess came up to visit we found ourselves in the queue for the ladies, we were standing waiting, when to our suprise the door to the loo in front of us slowly fell open to reveal a rather large lady with her knickers around her ankles (you could see everything), she did a sort of a shuffle towards the door and closed it again as we all looked at each other and dissolved into laughter (yes- very wrong of us I know - but it was just so surreal - you had to be there)
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Snappy
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Sexy Sizzling Schmoozer

PMSL now that is classic and so many of it has happened to me :lol:

I used to love going into this one night club loo's as it was massive and they had lovely lush sofas in there, it would be a party atmosphere in there :D Any bloke you quite liked in the club would always have to pass the loo test where oyu go in start to chat and find out the gossip on him before you made your move....it was a top loo :thumbsup:
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Sam
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Spirited Alluring Maiden

gobbyjock
24th May, 2007 - 08:18pm
Very good!! :lol:
The last time Prof Princess came up to visit we found ourselves in the queue for the ladies, we were standing waiting, when to our suprise the door to the loo in front of us slowly fell open to reveal a rather large lady with her knickers around her ankles (you could see everything), she did a sort of a shuffle towards the door and closed it again as we all looked at each other and dissolved into laughter (yes- very wrong of us I know - but it was just so surreal - you had to be there)

I remember her blog from the time GJ :crazy: :lol:


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catgirl
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Snappy
24th May, 2007 - 08:19pm
PMSL now that is classic and so many of it has happened to me :lol:

I used to love going into this one night club loo's as it was massive and they had lovely lush sofas in there, it would be a party atmosphere in there :D Any bloke you quite liked in the club would always have to pass the loo test where oyu go in start to chat and find out the gossip on him before you made your move....it was a top loo :thumbsup:

sounds so much better than one loo i went into in a Manchester club - it was mixed - What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I left in a hurry and had to cross my legs - i had to beg paul to leave as i was busting so much - I just couldnt' go in there. :lol:
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Snappy
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Sexy Sizzling Schmoozer

Eeeewwwww please tell me they didn't have the men just standing there peeing on show or even worse shagging some bint in the toilet :barf:
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catgirl
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Snappy
24th May, 2007 - 08:26pm
Eeeewwwww please tell me they didn't have the men just standing there peeing on show or even worse shagging some bint in the toilet :barf:

i wouldnt' go that far :whistle: and I didnt' stay long enough to find out tbh, Paul thought it was great :(
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Snappy
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Sexy Sizzling Schmoozer

I have to confess going into the mens to go to the loo in one of my regular pubs back in Wales as the queue was always awful for the ladies. :blushing:

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catgirl
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Snappy
24th May, 2007 - 08:40pm
I have to confess going into the mens to go to the loo in one of my regular pubs back in Wales as the queue was always awful for the ladies. :blushing:

i'll put my hand up to going into blokes loos in spain and greece too - but i was very very young then and didn't give a monkey's
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Snappy
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Sexy Sizzling Schmoozer

So now you are older you do??? :whistle:
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catgirl
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Snappy
24th May, 2007 - 08:48pm
So now you are older you do??? :whistle:

ah yes - my values are so much higher these days :whistle:
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Jane
Jaunty Jolly Jewel
It's a dreadful challenge we all face!

Hence I've stopped using a handbag! and always check my pockets for tissues before I go in.....sad isn't it!
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Anne
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Wonderful Winsome Wench

catgirl
24th May, 2007 - 08:47pm
but i was very very young then and didn't give a monkey's

I'm the other way round. The older I get, the less I care :rolleyes:
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catgirl
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GranAnne4PaTerry
25th May, 2007 - 06:21pm
I'm the other way round. The older I get, the less I care :rolleyes:

hmmm, well maybe its because I drink a lot less vodka these days
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Anastasia Beaverhausen
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PR you have just described perfectly my experience of the ladies loos at the Reading Festival. :thumbsup:

Where's Kenny when you need him :lol:
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catgirl
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Anastasia Beaverhausen
25th May, 2007 - 07:13pm

Where's Kenny when you need him :lol:

I love that film :lol:
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