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feeling blue; -my youngest
Topic Started: Feb 26 2007, 09:43:06 PM (355 Views)
catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

my youngest is so so upset, he's been playing star wars and he just burst out crying - poor thing he's missing his dad so much. He is finding this very tough - i know it's early days still. Its just horrible seeing him cry and trying to understand about death. We've had a good cry together and now he is sitting with big bruv, but stil looks so sad, looks like i'm off of here soon. He is sleeping with me at the moment, so we go to bed and read for a while - its the only way he can sleep. :(
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BIX
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Boner-fide Bonza Bloke

catgirl
26th February, 2007 - 09:43pm
sleep. :(


Very sad CG.

Probably a very good thing in a way though as he is openly grieving which has to be better than bottling things up.

He has to live through this shite so he can come to terms with the situation.
Not easy; not easy at all for any of you but you have each others support and that is a fine thing.

Time is a healer as we have all seen at one time or another. Actually healing is not really an apt word in that old adage as I don't think it ever cures. Rather we learn how to live with what has happened and with our losses.
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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

I know, i'm glad he's crying and talking as the eldest isn't and to me that's the big worry although i've been told that this is very common in children his age -esp boys. Jordan is only 8 and his only contact with death before has been pets dying - he has come home from school tired and then later told me that he found it very hard not to cry at school - of course i told him that iwas okay - he only had to go to see his teacher or the principal, but he doesn't want to do that.
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ohippy
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Original Opulent Optimist

nuffin I can say babe, but have a hug :hug:
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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

thanks, i know its hard
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Sam
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Spirited Alluring Maiden

Have you kept him to his routines CG???


A big hug from his mum and a long cuddle is probably just what he need right now


:flowers: :flowers: for all 3 of you
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BIX
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Boner-fide Bonza Bloke


Yep. I remember being that age and not wishing to show much emotion.
It's something that seems to be inborn in us males.
Stupid of us but it's naturally ingrained in our make up I guess.
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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

Sam
26th February, 2007 - 09:10pm
Have you kept him to his routines CG???


A big hug from his mum and a long cuddle is probably just what he need right now


:flowers: :flowers: for all 3 of you

yes he still has al the routines that he had before but to honest i'm not sure if ths is what he's finding hard - we are doing things that we did before but now its just the three of us (well plus my mum and dad). we went to marapana on saturday and he found that hard going with no Paul there. He has lots of cuddles in fact he is always coming up to me and telling me how much he loves me, kisses me and hugs me. bless him
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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

BIX
26th February, 2007 - 09:10pm
Yep. I remember being that age and not wishing to show much emotion.
It's something that seems to be inborn in us males.
Stupid of us but it's naturally ingrained in our make up I guess.

Yep that's my boy, he's had his cry - once as far as i can make out - but then i think hes had a few tears in bed too. he has been thinking of paul - he just won't talk to me about him at all.
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BIX
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Boner-fide Bonza Bloke


Damn, that must be hard at times.

Yet he's dealing with it in the way his inner self is telling him too.
Not something he will know anything about so a bit of a battle going on I suspect.
In time he will be ready to talk to you Debs.
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moneypen20
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Bond's Beaut Bombshell

Can your dad try and talk to him?
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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

BIX
26th February, 2007 - 09:28pm
Damn, that must be hard at times.

Yet he's dealing with it in the way his inner self is telling him too.
Not something he will know anything about so a bit of a battle going on I suspect.
In time he will be ready to talk to you Debs.

i know, thanks for being an ear Bix - i'm off to bed now
take care
xxxx
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BIX
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Boner-fide Bonza Bloke

catgirl
26th February, 2007 - 10:31pm
BIX
26th February, 2007 - 09:28pm
Damn, that must be hard at times.

Yet he's dealing with it in the way his inner self is telling him too.
Not something he will know anything about so a bit of a battle going on I suspect.
In time he will be ready to talk to you Debs.

i know, thanks for being an ear Bix - i'm off to bed now
take care
xxxx

Nite, nite puddy :wink:
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Sam
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Spirited Alluring Maiden

Don't want to be the one to bring a downer on you all


But i lost my dad 8 years ago


and

it's still hard on me Deb, it never gets any easier, for adults, you find another partner (not always, and i'm not suggesting that you will or wont) and you remember the bad times (you know the arguing and stuff)

As a child, that person will always be a hero no matter what they were like !!!!

because they were your parent!!!!!

My point being it never gets easier, even more so for the children, they learn to live with it, and parcel it in the back of their minds

But they only learn to do that with the total attention of their other parent/family,love and every thing we as parents give them

Good luck Deb, it wont be an easy ride hon, but i'm sure you'll get there !!!!

:hug: for you and the boys

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Snappy
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Sexy Sizzling Schmoozer

catgirl
26th February, 2007 - 10:16pm
he just won't talk to me about him at all.

I wonder if it because he is trying to protect you, as he must of seen and heard how upset you have been. Then seeing how you will have a cry when your youngest is upset and when you chat to each other about Paul he might be just trying to protect you a bit from being upset. The last thing most children want to do is to upset a parent so he may be just trying to save you from being upset anymore.

It must be so hard for you as all you want to do is make it better for them both and you can't but you are doing everything you can under the circumstances.

Sending you all a massive :hug:

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Tiredwithtwins
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Admin

dont know what to say debs, just that my heart goes out to you all and i wish there was something i could say or do to make it just that tiniest bit easier ...
:hug:
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Beki
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Bonza Barmy Beauty
tiredwithtwins
26th February, 2007 - 02:33pm
dont know what to say debs, just that my heart goes out to you all and i wish there was something i could say or do to make it just that tiniest bit easier ...
:hug:

I agree, I never know what to say in situations like this. It's so very sad for you all. :(

I can't even begin to imagine what any of you are going through, I think Bix has wise words and I'm so glad you have your parents there for you Debbie.

Sending you all a heart felt hug :hug:
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Anastasia Beaverhausen
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tiredwithtwins
27th February, 2007 - 01:33am
dont know what to say debs, just that my heart goes out to you all and i wish there was something i could say or do to make it just that tiniest bit easier ...
:hug:

Same goes for me :hug:
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Bridiej
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Chattermonster Extraordinaire!

I am crap in these situations, I never know what to say so I will just give all three of you one of these

:hug: :hug: :hug:
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Hevs
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Miraculous Mamma Mod

My Dad died when I was 12 (although a very different circumstance, he chose to take his life -selfish twat!) and i tried so hard to be brave - for my Mum. I guess I know exactly how your 12 year old feels and unfortunately i think its the age thing. Also for him being the eldest, and a boy, he will feel (no matter how much you try to let him know its not the case) that he has to be brave, for everyone elses sake. (Theres also that thing of trying to look grown up, hes the ripe old age of 12 after all!)

Even now Mum gets emotional about it and i just clam up cos i find it uncomfortable. Guess what i am saying is that, even though its sad for you to see him like that, its great that he feels able to do it. It a natural part of the grieving process and to be able to share it with you, his Mum, will help him so much down the track.

Sending you and you boys lots of :hug: :hug: cos its all i can do from over here. Would love to be able to help more though :wacko: You are in my thoughts and prayers as ever hun :flowers:
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Bordy
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Braw Auld Bampot
I'm hopeless with this kind of thing. A stuttering idiot would be about right, don't know what to say or do to try & comfort anyone.

I can't imagine what those boys are going through but I'm in awe of how they handle it & of course come through it like Hevs.

We all have little crisis in our lives, I just thank God Ive never had to deal with anything as big as that, God knows I'd be useless.
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Bridiej
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Chattermonster Extraordinaire!

Bordy
27th February, 2007 - 12:49pm
I'm hopeless with this kind of thing. A stuttering idiot would be about right, don't know what to say or do to try & comfort anyone.


That sums me up too Bordy!! :blushing:
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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

moneypen20
26th February, 2007 - 09:30pm
Can your dad try and talk to him?

hmm my dad suggested this today and will have a go in the next few days - the boys are also seeing the school phsyc tomorrow (again) and I think that this is helping Luke - I might also have another chat with him in a few days. thing is I don't want to feel that we are hounding him or pressurising him to talk - i just want to know how he is to be honest.
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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

you remember the bad times (you know the arguing and stuff)

Hmm I know and god did we have some blinders - thing is now I'm remembering all the good times and how much Paul loved this place - something I keep reminding the boys of


As a child, that person will always be a hero no matter what they were like !!!!
because they were your parent!!!!!


so true and I keep telling Jordan that he will never ever forget his dad he will always remember the fun things that they did together



thanks Sam
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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

Snappy
26th February, 2007 - 10:37pm
I wonder if it because he is trying to protect you, as he must of seen and heard how upset you have been. Then seeing how you will have a cry when your youngest is upset and when you chat to each other about Paul he might be just trying to protect you a bit from being upset. The last thing most children want to do is to upset a parent so he may be just trying to save you from being upset anymore.

It must be so hard for you as all you want to do is make it better for them both and you can't but you are doing everything you can under the circumstances.

Sending you all a massive :hug:

Yes I think this is true - someone else has said this to me too - but I don't want him to - I want him to cry and to speak about Paul as much as he can. I can't change him I know that, but if only he would crack even just for five minutes :(
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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

Hevs
27th February, 2007 - 11:50am
My Dad died when I was 12 (although a very different circumstance, he chose to take his life -selfish twat!) and i tried so hard to be brave - for my Mum. I guess I know exactly how your 12 year old feels and unfortunately i think its the age thing. Also for him being the eldest, and a boy, he will feel (no matter how much you try to let him know its not the case) that he has to be brave, for everyone elses sake. (Theres also that thing of trying to look grown up, hes the ripe old age of 12 after all!)

Even now Mum gets emotional about it and i just clam up cos i find it uncomfortable. Guess what i am saying is that, even though its sad for you to see him like that, its great that he feels able to do it. It a natural part of the grieving process and to be able to share it with you, his Mum, will help him so much down the track.

Sending you and you boys lots of :hug: :hug: cos its all i can do from over here. Would love to be able to help more though :wacko: You are in my thoughts and prayers as ever hun :flowers:

Thanks Hevs


and thanks to everyone else too :kissed:
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Snappy
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Sexy Sizzling Schmoozer

catgirl
27th February, 2007 - 02:31pm
Yes I think this is true - someone else has said this to me too - but I don't want him to - I want him to cry and to speak about Paul as much as he can. I can't change him I know that, but if only he would crack even just for five minutes :(

You might find he does eventually. It might be during your first major argument and he throws something like "I wish dad was here" then after wards regret he said it badly and the emotions will just pour out.

You are being a great Mum to them both and all you can do is wait for that moment when they break down and be there for them.

Massive hug for you as I just can't imagine what you must be going through :hug:
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Anne
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Wonderful Winsome Wench

If he doesn't want to talk openly to you, why no try writing him a letter and leaving it on his pillow for him to find in a quiet moment. Tell him the things you have been telling us; that you are worried about him, that it is ok for him to cry if he wants to, that you miss him talking about dad, that you don't nor ever will blame him or expect him to look after you. All the things you are feeling really. Even if it makes him howl quietly in his bedroom on his own it will be part of the healing process. Perhaps you could tell him part of your's and Paul's life together, it may be something that Luke will refer to many times in years to come.

Ok, thinking on my feet here while I've been typing. Perhaps you could make up a scrapbook of stories that happened to you as a couple and as a family. Add photos and leave it as a reference somewhere for the boys to go to when they are feeling sad or if they fancy a laugh or, as the years go by, when they get to the stage where they might panic that they are beginning to forget exactly what dad was like.

Photos can be very painful, but it is not a pain that can't be eased over time until the photos become a door to happy memories.
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Bridiej
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Chattermonster Extraordinaire!

They are really nice ides Anne, especially the note on his pillow. :kiss:
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catgirl
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Courageous Cuddly Kitty

thanks anne - some really good ideas there - may try the note/letter to him
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